Harassment/Crimes Against Women Support Thread

[Lizzie Mintdrop]

I was on my way to work at 7am, it was still dark. Walking through town I saw a man in a door way looking right at me, I automatically looked back, he kept looking right at me, I thought this was strange, at this point I realised he was masturbating. I ran so fast and rang my partner. My partner didn't take it seriously until he realised I was upset, he actually laughed at first until I explained how scared I was. I should not have needed to explain, my dad wouldn't have needed an explanation.

When I was 17, an old man sat next to me at the tram stop and asked me if I'd take his 7 inches, I shouted duck off at him, the only person that seemed concerned was a middle aged lady, when I told her what he said she looked more disgusted that I'd repeated what he said and turned away from me.

When I was 18, a man who knew my brother tried to walk home with me, he was at least 28, I told him to leave me alone, he started singing "I'm not the 'name of area' rapist" (there had been a number of rapes at the time).

I was in a club with my friends and my boyfriend. I was at the bar, a man tried to buy me a drink, I refused, said I was with my boyfriend, later on he kicked my boyfriend for having the audacity for being with a woman he wanted, it was quite sweet that it was a female bouncer that kicked him out.

When I was 7, I was walking with my friend on her street and a man flashed at us, he actually had the crotch cut out of his jeans. We were young enough not to realise why he was doing this but were both still shocked by it.

When I was younger my parents drummed it into me that it was my responsibility to stay safe, to get a taxi home, to wear modest clothes, to not wear too much make up, to stay away from certain types of men and I understand that they did that because they knew they could influence my behaviour but not the behaviour of predators.

There are definitely female predators out there but my male friends, relatives and partner don't have recollections like this. If anything, they have recollections of when men have abused and bullied them too

 

[Scorpihoe]

I was on a night out with my friends and my boyfriend was on a night out with his friends in a different club (same city). We decided to meet up, just to see each other and chat a bit about our nights, before going back to the club. He came to where I was and we sat outside for a bit on the floor, facing each other and talked. A homeless man kept creeping closer and closer to me until he was behind me and started groping my ass.

I didn’t know what to say or what to do, and I kept thinking “am I drunk? Am I imagining this?”. To make it worse police officers were a few meters away from us, they weren’t paying attention because a lot of people were outside the club at this point. But I was so terrified and kept thinking “should I make a scene? Would everyone think I’m crazy?”. In the end I did nothing, I got up and walked away with my boyfriend...I told him about it a few weeks later and he was very upset and wished he could have done something, but ultimately I was too scared

 

[justheretoread99]

God I never considered that,

Me included It’s a very terrifying thought which sickens me. & @Notredamn thank you for highlighting this.

I hope no one ever will find this thread that has an alternative motive to us. Or no one will be able to recognise any of us. I will be keeping my post unedited and raw. If someone recognises me, so be it. I hope they recognise their crime and change their actions and thoughts.

If anyone wishes to delete or edit their post: I respect your decisions 10000%

 

[Bitofthebubbly]

My 15 year old daughter gets it all the time at school. A lad in her class said to her recently I am going to take your virginity. Feel sorry for young girls these days, as although I got a lot of sexism in my 20's when working in London; there was no Internet porn around.

This is terrifying. I feel immense guilt that I’ve brought my daughters into such a woman hating world. If I had waited until I was a little older and less naive to have children, I might not have had them at all. Don’t get me wrong they are my world I absolutely don’t regret having them, I just feel like the world I’ve brought them into isn’t safe, like I’ve signed them up for this

I didn’t even realise my first experience of being taken advantage of/assaulted as a teenager was even classed as that until some years later. I even remained friends and dated the guy briefly after it happened. I feel great shame, and have never told anyone in real life about it because I feel they just wouldn’t believe me. Not even my partner of nearly 12 years. After all, why would I go out with someone (only for a couple of weeks granted) who nearly grape me a few months before? Who does that? Well, I did. That night I told him very clearly no, but he was carrying on anyway. Only because people came into the room at the right moment did he stop what he was going to do. But for some reason at 16 years old it just didn’t occur to me to stay away from him. He was part of a larger group that I was also friends with but I was also fairly new to the group as well, so I guess I didn’t want to ‘rock the boat’. As well as the fact that I wasn’t actually grape and couldn’t prove that he was about to, literally his word vs mine.

I never did tell anyone about that night so I must have known that something was off, I think I was probably in denial. When I finally realised what it was it was so hard to accept. Like all the feelings I should have had at the time hit me years later. I remember after that incident, I went back to the party and got steaming drunk (was already drunk but took it to another level) the most drunk I have ever been in my life I think. I wonder if that was a subconscious response to what had just happened.

Not my only experience of this kind of thing but it’s certainly the one which has affected me the most. So scared for my daughters, I will do everything in my power to keep them safe even if that means picking them up at the end of every night out and taking them home myself.

 

[Eureka]

grape survivor. Like most women I’ve experienced everything from “show us your bits” to groping. I remember a guy in a bar threatening to grape me because I turned down his offer to dance, when my boyfriend rocked up he apologised - to him!!!!

I’m a new member here, I joined because the last place I used to post was so full of sexist crap that no one would address and my head couldn’t take it anymore.

The world is full of men who will buy flowers and chocolates tomorrow for their mother’s because “my mums the best” who will then log online and call some girl a ag because she’s wearing a short skirt or won’t date him.

 

[Kat]

I’ve experienced all the usual - wolf whistles, cars beeping or slowing down, flashed while primary school aged (he flashed a group of me and my friends), harassed at work, men sitting uncomfortably close at work or on public transport, followed round clubs, had to ask men to leave me alone in clubs/bars repeatedly, bum slapped and grabbed with hands right up there by strangers and I’ve also been sexually assaulted twice. The two men were from different socio-economic groups and different ends of the country and didn’t know each other but the assaults were quite similar. On the first occasion after a night out a man came back with me and stayed in my bed. We kissed but didn’t do anything more. I woke up in the morning and realised he was fingering me. He was about 25 and I was 19. I was fast asleep. I was inexperienced with men so thought maybe it was normal (which is just awful to think back on) and so I just let him. The second occasion was about two years later. i had been on a night out with my best friend at the time. We’d gone out with her friends I’d never met before who she’d grown up with. I stayed at her house in her bed with her and her platonic friend and we were all fully dressed. I hadn’t given him any signs I fancied him (I didn’t) and we hadn’t held hands or kissed or anything. I woke up to find him fingering me. I pretended to be asleep this time and he stopped and left the room for a while. When he came back he got back into bed as if nothing had happened.
It took me years to realise I hadn’t invited them to do that to me and it wasn’t my fault but I still struggle with my own victim blaming feelings towards myself when I think about it. I have to fight those thoughts each time. It doesn’t affect me day to day and I’ve been in a relationship with a lovely man since about 4 months after the second assault but I can’t stand the fact that these two men both thought that was ok. I wonder if they even know what they did was wrong.
Friends and family members of mine have experienced much worse and I count myself lucky.

 

[Flowergirl14]

This is terrifying. I feel immense guilt that I’ve brought my daughters into such a woman hating world. If I had waited until I was a little older and less naive to have children, I might not have had them at all. Don’t get me wrong they are my world I absolutely don’t regret having them, I just feel like the world I’ve brought them into isn’t safe, like I’ve signed them up for this

I didn’t even realise my first experience of being taken advantage of/assaulted as a teenager was even classed as that until some years later. I even remained friends and dated the guy briefly after it happened. I feel great shame, and have never told anyone in real life about it because I feel they just wouldn’t believe me. Not even my partner of nearly 12 years. After all, why would I go out with someone (only for a couple of weeks granted) who nearly grape me a few months before? Who does that? Well, I did. That night I told him very clearly no, but he was carrying on anyway. Only because people came into the room at the right moment did he stop what he was going to do. But for some reason at 16 years old it just didn’t occur to me to stay away from him. He was part of a larger group that I was also friends with but I was also fairly new to the group as well, so I guess I didn’t want to ‘rock the boat’. As well as the fact that I wasn’t actually grape and couldn’t prove that he was about to, literally his word vs mine.

I never did tell anyone about that night so I must have known that something was off, I think I was probably in denial. When I finally realised what it was it was so hard to accept. Like all the feelings I should have had at the time hit me years later. I remember after that incident, I went back to the party and got steaming drunk (was already drunk but took it to another level) the most drunk I have ever been in my life I think. I wonder if that was a subconscious response to what had just happened.

Not my only experience of this kind of thing but it’s certainly the one which has affected me the most. So scared for my daughters, I will do everything in my power to keep them safe even if that means picking them up at the end of every night out and taking them home myself.

Awful awful for you. So sorry to hear.

I now feel bad that I did not report this to the school, but I absolutely know my ex husband would say I was over reacting. But next time she tells me anything like this I am reporting it. She did ask me not to though.

 

[Bitofthebubbly]

Awful awful for you. So sorry to hear.

I now feel bad that I did not report this to the school, but I absolutely know my ex husband would say I was over reacting. But next time she tells me anything like this I am reporting it. She did ask me not to though.

It’s so hard to know what to do especially when they ask you not to inform the school and things like that. I think I would have to bypass my daughters wishes when it comes to being sexually assaulted/harassed at school, because the school can’t help if they’re not aware of it and school should be a safe space for all students. But it’s easy for me to say that as someone not currently in that situation. I hope you’re daughter is ok.

 

[Tree_]

TRIGGER WARNING. R*PE

Some of my experiences:

I first experienced harassment at the age of 12. I was in year 7 (First year of high school in the UK). I was walking home from school. About 3pm. In my school uniform. It was a hot sunny day. A white van with two men stopped at the side of me. Rolled down the windows and screamed “GET YOUR RAT OUT”. Laughed and drove off sticking their tongues out. I had no idea what that meant. All I knew is that it terrified me.

At school- I had my bum slapped by other male students. A male teacher told me to “strip off” when I mentioned I was feeling hot in my jumped. Infront of the whole class who erupted into laughter.
I was walking home from school, a little older this time, maybe 15/16. I was with my friends. In our uniform. Trousers, shirt and tie and a blazer. We walked past some workmen. They proceeded to shout and wolf whistle at us. One said “CORR they’d GET IT! I wish I was back at school”. These were grown men. We were minors. In school uniform.

Since then. I’m an adult now. Almost 30. But have experienced harassment on an almost weekly basis.

Cars beeping and gesturing at me whilst being a pedestrian and driving my own car. I do not feel safe in my car.

In bars/clubs; Ive been groped. My breasts have been groped. My bum. My crotch. My thighs. My face. Every time I have politely said “please stop”. Every time they have either laughed, or gotten angry.
“Sorry but I have a boyfriend”. Doesn’t work. I have had to give out a fake number numerous times to men. They cannot accept “no”.
I take my drinks to the toilet with me. I am scared what men might do to them if I leave them unattended.
I have been followed round clubs and bars by men.
I have been looked up and down by male bouncers.
“Do you want to come in VIP? We only allow pretty girls like you in. You’ll attract the guys who will spend money”.
“What time do them legs open?”
“You’d get it”
“Show me what that tounge can do?”
“Do you spit or swallow?”
“Wow if I was a few years younger”

When I was 18. I took a nude picture for my boyfriend at the time. It ended up on social media. My friends saw.

I was visiting a friend in London. I was probably around 21 at the time. Entering a busy tube station a man pointed and shouted “OI. YOU! YES YOU. WHAT’S YOUR NAME?” I ignored him. He proceeds to shout and follow “I ASKED YOU A QUESTION”. I replied “Sorry, but I need to catch the next tube. I’m meeting someone”. Still following me. “IS IT BECAUSE IM BLACK”?

It wasn’t because he was black. He was aggressively shouting and following me. In a central London tube station. Before Covid. It was packed. I was terrified. Nobody helped me. Everyone turned a blind eye.

Around 18, I was at a pub. A 10 minute walk from my house. About midnight I walked home. With a male friend. I felt safe. Ish. Until we went separate directions. “Message me when you get in”. “I will. See you soon”. Walked down towards my road. On a main road. I heard footsteps. Fast footsteps. A man. I crossed the road. He crossed the road. I started to run. Looked back. He started to run.
“DONT WORRY SEXY IM NOT FOLLOWING YOU”
But he was. I sprinted home. Lost him. Thank goodness. Text my friend. “I’m home”. Safe.

There’s so many more. Some I can’t remember. Some “irrelevant” like a wolf whistle. Or a wink. Or a comment. But the worst. I have been r*ped.

It took me years to realised what had actually happened. I was at university. About 21.
On a night out with my course friends. I was drunk. Wasted.
Got talking to a guy. Bought me drinks. We hit it off.
Went back to his flat. I’ve done this before. I think most of us have.
We had a drink in his kitchen. The room was spinning. “Shall we go to bed”? I asked. We went to his room. I actually made the first move. Gave the first kiss. Took my clothes off first. When I lay down the room was spinning even more.
“I feel sick” I said. He said nothing.
He carried on kissing me and getting undressed.
“No lets stop I feel sick”. I said. I shouted. He said nothing.
He did it. I was sick on him. On myself. “Please stop” I said. He didn’t stop. All he said was “I want to give you pleasure”
It wasn’t pleasure to me. I cried. He got up and left.

I didn’t know where he went. The room was still spinning. I was covered in my own vomit. I think I passed out from the shock. Early hours I managed to get up. Wipe my vomit off. Rang myself a taxi. Went home. Never saw him again.

But I have also never told anyone. Never shared this story until now. I thought “I made the first move. Nobody would believe me”. I believe a lot of men won’t believe me. I have learnt to live with this. I have accepted this. It won’t define me. I don’t hate men. But I am scared of them.

I am very scared of men.

Oh darlin. Sending you so much love.

 

[ClockworkDolly]

I’ve been cat called, wolf-whistled at and I dread it when a car drives past me for fear of them beeping at me - it happens 9 times out of 10 when I walk to the gym in my gym clothes. Before they shut due to the lockdowns of course. I always make sure I cover my bum when wearing tight jeans/gym leggings so at least people won’t look at me. I’m not saying I’m a beautiful model and being vain or anything like that, but it makes me feel comfortable. I have anxiety too - I feel like people are always staring at me. So that doesn’t help!

I had to leave my last driving instructor as he made me feel very uncomfortable. Again I wore baggy clothes so he couldn’t see my figure. He asked if I was single (recently just been dumped) and I repeatedly said it’s none of your business. One time we’d finished a lesson on reverse parking and I said ‘what shall we do now?’ As in what manoeuvre shall I do next and he goes ‘oh I’d love to do lots of things with you’ It made me feel so scared, I couldn’t wait to get home. Thankfully the lockdown in November started the week after and I blocked his number. When the restrictions ease I’m on the lookout for a female driving instructor as my confidence taking lessons with a man has been ruined.

Oh my god that bloody driving instructor needs reporting. Vile piece of tit he is.

 

[Flowergirl14]

It’s so hard to know what to do especially when they ask you not to inform the school and things like that. I think I would have to bypass my daughters wishes when it comes to being sexually assaulted/harassed at school, because the school can’t help if they’re not aware of it and school should be a safe space for all students. But it’s easy for me to say that as someone not currently in that situation. I hope you’re daughter is ok.

Thank you, she is fine. She was not upset at all, but sadly just accepts this as a way of life. She just mentioned it in passing. I was the one shocked. Fortunately my daughter is quite resilient, and told him last boy on earth, I'd rather become a nun!

I'm sure she hasn't told me half the stuff that goes on at school, as she has just normalised it; which is just awful for our young girls.

But not all young kids are like this.
And they shouldn't have to get this sort of stuff.

I say the same for boys who get bullied at school, for whatever reason, being gay or whatever- just awful.

From these threads, my 17 year old son is very protective of his sister; but it has taught me to teach him more about respecting and looking out for girls.

 

[lemonlime]

Sending a big hug to all of you on this thread and a big hug to all those who don't feel comfortable sharing. I wish I was shocked, I wish this was unfamiliar. I hate feeling unsafe, I hate that I don't fully trust any men (maybe apart from a very select few, even then I think I've never seen them at their worst so what do I know), I hate that most if not all my girl friends have stories like these as well. Truly to hell with #notallmen; if the worst that comes out of our trauma, horror and fear is a few undeserving men thinking they are suffering some prejudice, I can live with that.

 

[Gym&Tonic]

I was held down and ‘touched up’ by a boy in my class during a maths lesson aged about 14.

Aged about 17 I had my bottom pinched while standing in a queue at McDonalds. This was in the middle of the day, but it was very busy as it was Saturday lunchtime and I couldn’t see who did it. I’ve had my bum pinched loads of times in pubs and clubs etc, but in bleeping McDonalds?!

Been cat called and shouted at from cars more than I care to remember. A while back some young lad on a push bike shouted obscenities and hand gestured at me when I was running, he was so pathetic. How he could think that was attractive I don’t know?

My parents always told me to watch where I walked etc. Even now they tell me to be careful when out running, no, now about me don’t harass women.

 

[Phoenix Lazarus]

Billy Ocean did a song that began: 'Hey! You! Get into my car!' It'd be nice to think that wouldn't happen now.

 

[ClockworkDolly]

I started working in London when I was 19 years old. I had been in my first job for around 6 months, getting to the tube station at roughly the same time each day, standing on the platform in the same place. Well I sometimes used to wear this pencil skirt which had buttons up at the back. There would never have been anything showing, but one day, I got on the tube and as soon as I got into the carriage a man groped me from behind. He actually got his hand through the gap in between the buttons! I was so shocked I cried out “oh” and looked behind me and there were 3 men who got on at the same time as me, so I couldn’t tell who it was who groped me. I’m guessing it was the one in the middle, directly behind me. But, it made me think that whoever it was had been waiting for the day when I was wearing that particular skirt and the thought made me feel sick.

Well needless to say, the following day, I changed where I stood on the platform and also got an earlier train.

Back in the 80s if you worked as a Secretary at Director level (which I did) you were expected to wear the skirt/blouse/heels combination. Many bosses frowned upon it if you turned up to work wearing trousers.

 

[LyraBalaqua]

I’m in agreement with another poster that reliving and telling the awful event of assault and grape from your life gives some sad online people a thrill.

Please be careful and keep your settings tight.

We’re all anonymous on this site, it’s wise to remember we don’t ‘know’ anyone.

 

[justheretoread99]

I’m in agreement with another poster that reliving and telling the awful event of assault and grape from your life gives some sad online people a thrill.

Please be careful and keep your settings tight.

We’re all anonymous on this site, it’s wise to remember we don’t ‘know’ anyone.

Absolutely Our safety and right to anonymity is paramount here.

But I will never stop sharing my experiences. No ducked up person who gets a thrill from reading these will silence me. I’m tired of being silent. I’m tired of these stories being the norm. I’m tired of men victim blaming us. I’m tired.

 

[ClockworkDolly]

Working in the hospitality industry and you will encounter some of the creepiest of men. They think all bar staff are fair game and should feel flattered by their attention.

I have had many more experiences of harassment. It has been happening in many guises since I was 15 years old. I’m now 55.

As I have got older I have learnt to handle it differently.

 

[AlanBanan]

Every woman I know has been either grape or molested and sometimes both. It’s depressing to know that even little girls can’t even wear a dress in fear that some dirty bleep will look at her in an inappropriate way.

 

[Sazie1]

I had guys whistling, screaming things, pinching my bum etc. But I always ignore that. One time I was eating dinner with friends outside a restaurant and a guy was standing in a corner masturbating looking at us.
I also had guys harrasing me while waiting for my tram.
I try not to be scared, I still walk/cycle alone outside at night. Just because I want to do all the thing that I want to do. And yes maybe that’s dumb and stupid of me I know.