Grudge holders

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From a place of curiosity not judgement I would love to know why some people hold grudges forever more?
By the way I’m not talking about things like abuse or anything that is unforgivable ect.

the other day I was writing on a thread on here about a fall out with a friend about 15 years ago when we were in our early 20s. Was over something silly, both at fault but I was over dramatic and we never spoke again.
Then a couple of years ago I had a weird sort of existential crisis which lastest months and has changed me forever. It coincided with randomly bumping into this old friend and we ignored each other. This encounter merged with the crisis and I wrote her a long email expressing how sorry I was about the way things turned out and how much I missed her. I am a very different person now than I was then, I’ve grown and changed and don’t have any need to hold on to an old grudge or any other one from the past. She blocked me on everything and never acknowledged the email.

With all this time on my hands now I’ve been thinking about it, and about grudges in general.

if anyone does tend to hold a grudge long after something should matter, why is that? just curious about it all...
P.s I’ve had a sleeping tablet so sorry if this is a load of nonsense
 
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yours sounds similar to mine. had a falling out over something quite minor (girls weekend to butlins that i couldnt afford) with my best friend. we haven't spoken for over 20 years now, also all our joint friends at the time also dropped me, although i have seen a number of these since and they now speak but its not the same.
her lovely mum still chats to me if i bump into her in our town .
Her dad died a few years ago and i did think about messaging her on fb , but as i only found put he had died after the funeral i thought better of it incase i caused her upset.

..ive never had a friendship as close since sadly and i still miss her sometimes but think we were young and stubborn and held grudges against each other , now with the maturity of years its too late to go back
 
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But why is it too late? If you were both willing no reason you couldn’t be friends again? I think though you both would have to be open to it and forget the past. For me life is too short to hang on to things that don’t matter in your life now.
 
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But why is it too late? If you were both willing no reason you couldn’t be friends again? I think though you both would have to be open to it and forget the past. For me life is too short to hang on to things that don’t matter in your life now.
the other friends have been polite but i can tell they dont want to rekindle the friendship, so im guessing this is likely to be case with my old best friend. to be honest im probably scared of the rejection and im not sure how much we would have in common anymore. our lives have gone in different directions xx
 
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I don't hold grudges. Life is too short as long as the person as apologised then I am happy to accept that.
 
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Life is short, the world is wide. What's the point in grudges, just either forgive or just get rid of the person, the grudge is totally pointless waste of energy. It takes too much effort to hold a grudge.
 
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Life is short, the world is wide. What's the point in grudges, just either forgive or just get rid of the person, the grudge is totally pointless waste of energy. It takes too much effort to hold a grudge.
Absolutely. I’ve never been able to hold a grudge , maybe to an unhealthy extent the other way (it does leave you in a position to be taken advantage of).

Overall though, I think it’s a much healthier mindset. I always find a while after falling out with someone I just don’t care that much about whatever it was anymore. However angry I was at the time. Even if I don’t want to go back to how things were, I will rarely if ever not want to be civil. Being angry at someone for an extended period hurts nobody but yourself and your own happiness.

I’m shocked at the story from the OP about being blocked when you reached out after 15 years. I’m sorry for you to do the right brave thing and have a reaction like that...but your ex friend sounds like a severely unhappy person to be that bitter so perhaps you can take solace in you having worked on yourself and moved on while she is still stuck in the nonsense of the past.

My ex boyfriend was a bit like that. He almost revelled in certain stories of being hard done by. He was never wrong in his stories but sometimes ten years would have passed and whatever it was would sound so petty. Like he had one about not being invited to someone’s wedding. I never understood it. But I guess it explains why he refuses to even acknowledge my concern for his wellbeing during a global pandemic... grudge holders are the worst. I hope to avoid them more successfully in the future....
 
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Absolutely. I’ve never been able to hold a grudge , maybe to an unhealthy extent the other way (it does leave you in a position to be taken advantage of).

Overall though, I think it’s a much healthier mindset. I always find a while after falling out with someone I just don’t care that much about whatever it was anymore. However angry I was at the time. Even if I don’t want to go back to how things were, I will rarely if ever not want to be civil. Being angry at someone for an extended period hurts nobody but yourself and your own happiness.

I’m shocked at the story from the OP about being blocked when you reached out after 15 years. I’m sorry for you to do the right brave thing and have a reaction like that...but your ex friend sounds like a severely unhappy person to be that bitter so perhaps you can take solace in you having worked on yourself and moved on while she is still stuck in the nonsense of the past.

My ex boyfriend was a bit like that. He almost revelled in certain stories of being hard done by. He was never wrong in his stories but sometimes ten years would have passed and whatever it was would sound so petty. Like he had one about not being invited to someone’s wedding. I never understood it. But I guess it explains why he refuses to even acknowledge my concern for his wellbeing during a global pandemic... grudge holders are the worst. I hope to avoid them more successfully in the future....
I had an ex boyfriend like that too! Was never wrong, was always everyone else. No self awareness. Must be awful to be so bitter
 
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I’m going to be a little charitable as the people I know who keep grudges rolling for years and decades fall into one of two camps:

1) They have an absolutely phenomenal memory and can still feel the exact level of anger or sorrow as when the cause had just happened. Two of them went on to have multiple diagnosed high functioning autistic children with similar traits so I do wonder.

2) The others are very, very thin skinned and had some pretty traumatic experiences when they were younger. Unfortunately, for these friends and relatives, they give the appearance of keeping themselves warm with their anger but it’s honestly all misplaced. Also can be scarily generous and fun and it switch which makes the sudden vendettas so shocking.

Pretty sure others are a mix of pride and immaturity, but the above are what I have really dealt with.
 
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I’m going to be a little charitable as the people I know who keep grudges rolling for years and decades fall into one of two camps:

1) They have an absolutely phenomenal memory and can still feel the exact level of anger or sorrow as when the cause had just happened. Two of them went on to have multiple diagnosed high functioning autistic children with similar traits so I do wonder.

2) The others are very, very thin skinned and had some pretty traumatic experiences when they were younger. Unfortunately, for these friends and relatives, they give the appearance of keeping themselves warm with their anger but it’s honestly all misplaced. Also can be scarily generous and fun and it switch which makes the sudden vendettas so shocking.

Pretty sure others are a mix of pride and immaturity, but the above are what I have really dealt with.
That’s exactly the sort of answer I was looking for. Describes the handful of people I know like this to a tee. Is there any hope for them?

My mother in law really holds a grudge. Has fallen out with all family and friends at some point.
has been divorced for over 30 years and still recounts conversations that happened at the time with the same bitterness and anger as it was last week. Resents everyone and is easy to criticise. Never want to be like that

The above I wrote on another post, but I think I meant to put it in this one. She recalls every nasty detail of her divorce and the court case that followed, takes about things her son said when he was a teenager (really just typical teenage things)as if it was yesterday and holds it against him. Fell out with her siblings over some money from a Will and hasn’t spoken to them for years. Fell out with her mum, aunt who are now dead. I mean her siblings are getting on, will probably never see each other again and all over money which is long gone.

We are all human, everyone makes mistakes, sometimes it’s us, some times others.
No one is perfect.
All the grudge holders that I know are alone, alone with their misery and pride
 
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Your mother in law sounds like my aunt. I swear she’s got grudges older than I am - that’s 30 and not an exaggeration.

She is highly critical of everyone else to the point of bullying at times, even to her own mother my grandmother. At the same time she’ll go to extreme uncalled for lengths to ‘help’ her (like drive across London to take my grandmas cat to a specific vet she likes) then resent the rest of the family for not going to the same lengths like a martyr , when she didn’t need to do the thing in the first place.

It’s all been a bit much since the lockdown and I was sick of her speaking to everyone like tit because no one stands up to her. After being ordered to do something in the family WhatsApp I asked if she would stop taking to us like that. It’s not fair on us and we need to look out for each other in these times I said. A fairly reasonable request I thought, but she reacted like a 12 year old;utterly horrified someone dared call her out “I’ve been having a really stressful time. Thanks for the support” and she hasn’t spoken to me since. This could last years. This woman is well into her sixties, I am her niece half her age.

Utterly ridiculous tho the silver lining is at least she’s off my back.
 
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Wow they sound so alike!
My mother in law will bring bags and bags of food round and clothes for the kids every few weeks, to show how generous she is. But the will tell everyone how much she spent ect. Will never let ya pay for meals out or anything, will literally throw the money at us if we ever want to pay. It’s all for show and always over the top. Will ask what we want from the shop and if we suggest something will buy six of it.
a real martyr
 
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Wow they sound so alike!
My mother in law will bring bags and bags of food round and clothes for the kids every few weeks, to show how generous she is. But the will tell everyone how much she spent ect. Will never let ya pay for meals out or anything, will literally throw the money at us if we ever want to pay. It’s all for show and always over the top. Will ask what we want from the shop and if we suggest something will buy six of it.
a real martyr
Ha my aunt used to do exactly that ! She was known for being ludicrously extravagant. Luckily she’s calmed down that side of herself since she stopped working. She’ll still pay for her dog to have acupuncture but I guess that’s a whole other topic ...
And the other side of the coin is if she doesn’t like your gift she’ll give it back or just not take it home with her at all....and if she really didn’t like it it will be fuel for another pointless grudge. Her birthday is on Christmas Day as well, just to make her that bit more miserable.
 
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I hold some grudges and I’m not ashamed. Of course I don’t hold every argument/fall out against someone and I can be civil with most people. Sadly there’s a handful of people on this earth that I will forever hold a grudge against, I won’t be civil and tbh there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that. It would cause me more misery pretending to be friendly than if I just ignored them.
 
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I hold some grudges and I’m not ashamed. Of course I don’t hold every argument/fall out against someone and I can be civil with most people. Sadly there’s a handful of people on this earth that I will forever hold a grudge against, I won’t be civil and tbh there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that. It would cause me more misery pretending to be friendly than if I just ignored them.
out if interest...if they apologised and meant it...would that change things at all?
 
out if interest...if they apologised and meant it...would that change things at all?
No not with the handful of people. Those people are the ones who have done things are are not forgivable.
 
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My mother is the mother of all grudge holders. Didn't speak to my aunt for my whole childhood, never knew why, was too afraid to ask. Turned out to be for a very minor comment made or a "dirty look" so to speak. Falls out with her sisters every few months and recently walked out of my house after staying for a week at Xmas without a goodbye. Didn't hear from her for 3 months until I was too upset and rang her.

Growing up with that ^ has made me really against grudges. I have had a few friends "drop off" the radar but if they got in touch then I wouldn't be opposed to speaking to them. Only circumstances of extreme hurt (one friend in particular) would I probably not engage.
 
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I guess I hold some grudges? Not in the way that I don’t let the other person forget about it, I tend to just cut them out of my life

I’m a complete doormat and seem to be a bit of a tit magnet. It always surprises me when someone talks about cutting someone else off over one or two incidents because I let people get away with murder over the course of months/years. My ex therapist suggested it was due to childhood trauma/always having to be the peacemaker which makes sense

Until recent years I just put up with it at the expense of my mental health. Eventually I cut off someone who always caused drama which felt good. Very slowly, I cut off three more people. Because I’m a doormat I later gave multiple second chances which were wasted. It felt sad having to give up on some relationships but continuing to waste my time would’ve been sadder

One person did make a huge effort to change in the end, but it felt like too little too late. At that point I had no motivation to work on the relationship anymore

I think holding grudges can be beneficial in a way. Obviously I don’t agree with petty ones, and it’s not healthy if they’re causing you to ruminate or negatively affecting your life. But if a relationship is toxic and holding a grudge is going to keep you away from that person then that’s something
 
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Hold a grudge, moi? Never! 😇 ..... Except maybe for that time my auntie went on holiday to Spain when I was a child. Our favourite auntie (who we spent our pocket money on buying little gifts for birthdays & Christmas, rubbish gifts probably, but it's the thought that counts, right?) ... going on a foreign holiday, well, we'd never known the like of it! Definitely the poor relations we were (lol) holidays for us was a day trip to the seaside now and again. Would auntie bring something back for us, something foreign? A stick of Spanish rock perhaps? (yes I know, that's how young and green we were back then 😁 ) Maybe even, oh no, I daren't even think of how wonderful this might be, but maybe, maybe .... one of them small, tiny even ... key-ring sized, Spanish dolls in a lovely red dress I'd seen in one of my comics? And something, couldn't even think what you'd buy for a boy, for brother. Oh we were so excited!

So back auntie came, and out she came for Sunday tea, armed with ... nothing. Didn't bring back any presents, she said. Shops all closed, she said. Oh, we said. Ah well.

Few days later, auntie took me in to her house to stay for the weekend for company, and took me visiting to her newly found posh friend's house. Posh friend had a daughter my age and we were banished to posh daughter's bedroom to play while adults talked.

There on her dressing table was THEEE most gorgeous massive Spanish doll, be-yoot-ee-ful big red dress frilled with black lace. Oh, I says, I love that doll. Your aunt brought me that back from Spain, she says. Oh, I says. :oops: And she brought my brother back this (takes me to her brother's bedrooom) an impressive big massive ship with sails sitting on his windowsill. Oh, I says. Ah well.

Do I still hold a grudge after all this time? Yes I bloodywell do! ;)
 
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