Getting over an ex

[BelleAmie]

I’ve took a step back this week and been self-sabotaging I ended up looking at my ex on SM and seen that a girl has followed him and has been liking a few of his posts. I hadn’t looked him up for months and I felt strong, but my depression has been bad this week and I don’t know, I just looked. Now I’m hurt to think he’s moved on, and I’m here ‘alone’. I know I shouldn’t care and I know I’m wasting my valuable time looking him up but I think we’re all guilty of it? I just want to get over him!!!

eta: he actually text me and said ‘I’ve moved on’ really out of the blue. I deleted the text and blocked his number straight away. But that set off my already depressed mood to look him up.

Oh I’m so sorry hon as if he randomly felt the need to message you to say he’s moved on. What a fool.

It’s so, so hard to resist the pull of checking up on social media. I I friended my ex on fb and Instagram, and all the stuff you’re supposed to do but I still check his Twitter because I don’t have an account so I can’t ‘block’ him.
Unfortunately I don’t have any advice but please don’t beat yourself up over looking him up or feeling bad about it, sometimes these things s just come back and hit you in the heart all over again. Sending love and hugs

 

[Ls2991]

I’ve took a step back this week and been self-sabotaging I ended up looking at my ex on SM and seen that a girl has followed him and has been liking a few of his posts. I hadn’t looked him up for months and I felt strong, but my depression has been bad this week and I don’t know, I just looked. Now I’m hurt to think he’s moved on, and I’m here ‘alone’. I know I shouldn’t care and I know I’m wasting my valuable time looking him up but I think we’re all guilty of it? I just want to get over him!!!

eta: he actually text me and said ‘I’ve moved on’ really out of the blue. I deleted the text and blocked his number straight away. But that set off my already depressed mood to look him up.

Well done for deleting and blocking him, that is huge step for moving on x

 

[Lovethesun]

Hey it was me that originally started this thread . Just want to say Thankyou for everyone’s advice but honestly anyone going through a break up right now , the only healer is time , such a cliche but it really is . And blocking their social media & number - zero contact . It’s 8 weeks for me now & I got through Xmas , & I’m genuinely fine now . I’ve gone from thinking about him every second of the day to maybe a couple of times a day . Don’t get that sick pit of my stomach feeling anymore when I think about him & feel so much happier & care free . As the weeks pass it gets a million times better , even if you think you’ll never live without them . You do xx

 

[under the ivy]

Hey it was me that originally started this thread . Just want to say Thankyou for everyone’s advice but honestly anyone going through a break up right now , the only healer is time , such a cliche but it really is . And blocking their social media & number - zero contact . It’s 8 weeks for me now & I got through Xmas , & I’m genuinely fine now . I’ve gone from thinking about him every second of the day to maybe a couple of times a day . Don’t get that sick pit of my stomach feeling anymore when I think about him & feel so much happier & care free . As the weeks pass it gets a million times better , even if you think you’ll never live without them . You do xx

It’s 8 months for me, I felt strong during Summer and then Winter came with christmas and birthday and I got through it, now I feel like I’ve gone backwards. I know I’ll get there and I have a lot to be hopeful for, for my future. Take care x

 

[Lovethesun]

As others have said, he sounds like an hole and you’re lucky to be rid of him to be honest. I have seen some comments you have made on another thread and I do think this guy has clouded your judgment of men. Not all men are like this, not all men cheat and lie and go behind their partner’s back. There are good men out there.

firstly you just need to work on your self worth, if you don’t respect yourself and set expectations for how you want people to treat you, then you will end up with another man like this one. You need to forget about him and move on, he’s a waste of space, don’t let any man treat you the way that one did, it’s not acceptable.

please don’t ever go back to him. I was with a pretty crappy guy for almost year, he didn’t cheat, but he just didn’t allow time for me. Eventually I said no more and I got rid. I’ve now been with my current partner for almost six years. He is amazing, he would never cheat or flirt behind my back, he does his fair share and he’s kind.

be good to yourself, set aspirations of the type of man you want, don’t settle for arseholes!
Thankyou for your reply , I’ve only just seen this . Unfortunately he has 110 % clouded my judgement on men . I’m more cross with myself for allowing him to behave the way he did , but I only see how bad he was now I’m not in the situation . He was such a bad egg , it will take someone very special to restore my faith in men , it really will . But I’m definitely happier now the memories of him are fading & I’m back to myself again x

As others have said, he sounds like an hole and you’re lucky to be rid of him to be honest. I have seen some comments you have made on another thread and I do think this guy has clouded your judgment of men. Not all men are like this, not all men cheat and lie and go behind their partner’s back. There are good men out there.

firstly you just need to work on your self worth, if you don’t respect yourself and set expectations for how you want people to treat you, then you will end up with another man like this one. You need to forget about him and move on, he’s a waste of space, don’t let any man treat you the way that one did, it’s not acceptable.

please don’t ever go back to him. I was with a pretty crappy guy for almost year, he didn’t cheat, but he just didn’t allow time for me. Eventually I said no more and I got rid. I’ve now been with my current partner for almost six years. He is amazing, he would never cheat or flirt behind my back, he does his fair share and he’s kind.

be good to yourself, set aspirations of the type of man you want, don’t settle for arseholes!

Thankyou for your reply , I’ve only just seen this . Unfortunately he has 110 %clouded my judgement on men . I’m more cross with myself for allowing him to behave the way he did , but I only see how bad he was now I’m not in the situation . He was such a bad egg , it will take someone very special to restore my faith in men , it really will . But I’m definitely happier now the memories of him are fading & I’m back to myself again x

 

[Papparazzo]

Hey it was me that originally started this thread . Just want to say Thankyou for everyone’s advice but honestly anyone going through a break up right now , the only healer is time , such a cliche but it really is . And blocking their social media & number - zero contact . It’s 8 weeks for me now & I got through Xmas , & I’m genuinely fine now . I’ve gone from thinking about him every second of the day to maybe a couple of times a day . Don’t get that sick pit of my stomach feeling anymore when I think about him & feel so much happier & care free . As the weeks pass it gets a million times better , even if you think you’ll never live without them . You do xx

I needed this. My two year engagement ended yesterday and after two hours broken sleep and a lot of tears I have to parent and work today! Right now I cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel.

 

[Lovethesun]

I needed this. My two year engagement ended yesterday and after two hours broken sleep and a lot of tears I have to parent and work today! Right now I cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel.

I’m so sorry to hear this . It gets worse before it gets better , the first week is the hardest . Everyone’s different with how they cope , I was tearful , constant lump in my throat couldn’t eat or sleep . But believe me it gets better . It was only when I was outside of the relationship I realised how wrong we were for each other . 2 years is along time to spend with someone so of course you’ll miss them . But I can’t say enough the weeks will pass and you do start to feel better . If it’s definitely over , which it was for me , I instantly removed him off everything , so I couldn’t check up on him if I was tempted , I blocked his number & tried to pretend he doesn’t exist that’s the only way I coped . And the thought of him with someone else was the worst . That still bothers me but no where near as much . Just get through these first few days , it’s probably a good thing you’ve got to parent & work because keeping busy really helped me . Trust me in 6-8 weeks time you’ll feel better , not 100% but you will . I never thought I’d get through it x

 

[Papparazzo]

I’m so sorry to hear this . It gets worse before it gets better , the first week is the hardest . Everyone’s different with how they cope , I was tearful , constant lump in my throat couldn’t eat or sleep . But believe me it gets better . It was only when I was outside of the relationship I realised how wrong we were for each other . 2 years is along time to spend with someone so of course you’ll miss them . But I can’t say enough the weeks will pass and you do start to feel better . If it’s definitely over , which it was for me , I instantly removed him off everything , so I couldn’t check up on him if I was tempted , I blocked his number & tried to pretend he doesn’t exist that’s the only way I coped . And the thought of him with someone else was the worst . That still bothers me but no where near as much . Just get through these first few days , it’s probably a good thing you’ve got to parent & work because keeping busy really helped me . Trust me in 6-8 weeks time you’ll feel better , not 100% but you will . I never thought I’d get through it x

Thanks so much, these are lovely words. Obviously it's very raw (24 hours) but oh how it bloody hurts! He made the decision after much back and forth over the last few months, and i know it will be the best on the long run, but the sad fact is he is a good man, we just don't fit. That's what I'm finding more heartbreaking.

Thanks again for replying, it's so lonely especially in lockdown so to hear someone else's encouragement makes me feel better. Thankyou.

 

[LucilleBluth]

Thanks so much, these are lovely words. Obviously it's very raw (24 hours) but oh how it bloody hurts! He made the decision after much back and forth over the last few months, and i know it will be the best on the long run, but the sad fact is he is a good man, we just don't fit. That's what I'm finding more heartbreaking.

Thanks again for replying, it's so lonely especially in lockdown so to hear someone else's encouragement makes me feel better. Thankyou.

Sending you the biggest hugs. I’ve been there. Knowing someone is weighing up the relationship is brutal. And when in theory it “should” work, but just isn’t or won’t, it’s even harder.

I had a breakup right before lockdown 1, and for me that timing turned out to be a blessing (very much) in disguise. If it had been normal times, I would have just thrown myself into being busy, dating again, and not really confronting things.

Nearly a year later, I feel like I understand myself and the world better, and feel like the best version of myself I’ve ever been (minus the grown out roots and lingering Christmas weight gain, anyway).

Just wanted to offer another perspective on a lockdown breakup in case it helps in the coming days.

ETA: It hasn’t taken an entire year to feel better, so don’t let that panic you!

 

[under the ivy]

I live with depression/anxiety and this week has been tough for me, just going over things in my head about my ex.

I threw myself into my hobbies post-breakup during the first lockdown, started driving lessons again, went to the gym 3x a week, got on with my job. Then since New Year, I've taken such a big step back, mentally. The urge to stalk his social media has overwhelmed me, so I've blocked access to Twitter/Facebook etc on my web browsers. As soon as I get an urge to look, I do something else. It's hard and I just want the intrusive thoughts to stop!

I ended up looking at his Twitter the other day and saw that a girl had liked loads of his tweets and they followed each other. She looked his type - I used to jest with him that I was the opposite of his type. Just felt like a knife had gone in me and my self-esteem crumbled. He told me when he broke up with me that he didn't want a relationship and he wanted to be on his own....then I put 2+2 together (and came up with 5), and I immediately felt lied to. He's now blocked.

I don't want to date again, but I miss mixing with people. I'm a PhD student and I haven't met anyone else in my research group due to Covid. I think if I'd had the opportunity to be social in a non-Covid world, I think I wouldn't feel like this. I hope those days come soon.

It's strangely freeing to write it all down, even if I am telling strangers. I just needed to 'brain dump'. Take care everyone x

 

[Papparazzo]

Sending you the biggest hugs. I’ve been there. Knowing someone is weighing up the relationship is brutal. And when in theory it “should” work, but just isn’t or won’t, it’s even harder.

I had a breakup right before lockdown 1, and for me that timing turned out to be a blessing (very much) in disguise. If it had been normal times, I would have just thrown myself into being busy, dating again, and not really confronting things.

Nearly a year later, I feel like I understand myself and the world better, and feel like the best version of myself I’ve ever been (minus the grown out roots and lingering Christmas weight gain, anyway).

Just wanted to offer another perspective on a lockdown breakup in case it helps in the coming days.

ETA: It hasn’t taken an entire year to feel better, so don’t let that panic you!

Thankyou for this. It's only been a week but after some long chats with friends, I've come to realise on the day he left (after what to me appeared to be a trivial argument) there was nothing more I could do. I have a lot going for me in that I'm independent, good job, own own home and a beautiful daughter to look after that I just hope better days are coming.

That said, I miss him. Companionship, affection, love and the support he gave me. However, the rose tinted glasses are coming off. He's a good man, he really is, but sometimes things just don't work out.

Thankyou all so so much for responses, it really actually helps x

 

[Lovethesun]

I live with depression/anxiety and this week has been tough for me, just going over things in my head about my ex.

I threw myself into my hobbies post-breakup during the first lockdown, started driving lessons again, went to the gym 3x a week, got on with my job. Then since New Year, I've taken such a big step back, mentally. The urge to stalk his social media has overwhelmed me, so I've blocked access to Twitter/Facebook etc on my web browsers. As soon as I get an urge to look, I do something else. It's hard and I just want the intrusive thoughts to stop!

I ended up looking at his Twitter the other day and saw that a girl had liked loads of his tweets and they followed each other. She looked his type - I used to jest with him that I was the opposite of his type. Just felt like a knife had gone in me and my self-esteem crumbled. He told me when he broke up with me that he didn't want a relationship and he wanted to be on his own....then I put 2+2 together (and came up with 5), and I immediately felt lied to. He's now blocked.

I don't want to date again, but I miss mixing with people. I'm a PhD student and I haven't met anyone else in my research group due to Covid. I think if I'd had the opportunity to be social in a non-Covid world, I think I wouldn't feel like this. I hope those days come soon.

It's strangely freeing to write it all down, even if I am telling strangers. I just needed to 'brain dump'. Take care everyone x

I’m a massive advocate for not checking their social media ...... can only cause you pain & anxiety . It’s tempting but try not too .

Thankyou for this. It's only been a week but after some long chats with friends, I've come to realise on the day he left (after what to me appeared to be a trivial argument) there was nothing more I could do. I have a lot going for me in that I'm independent, good job, own own home and a beautiful daughter to look after that I just hope better days are coming.

That said, I miss him. Companionship, affection, love and the support he gave me. However, the rose tinted glasses are coming off. He's a good man, he really is, but sometimes things just don't work out.

Thankyou all so so much for responses, it really actually helps x

It helps me loads people’s replies on here . Because at the time you feel like your the only person in the world feeling like that . And every other couple seems super happy which makes it worse . It’s just nice to know other people have been through it & come out the other side x

 

[Blonde123]

I was about to post the same thing. Sharing a bed? Someone to come home to? With all due respect, you could get a dog (or cat) for that.

Cats are probably cleaner and tidier than a man tbf!

 

[O.J]

Time does heal, i found that out after 3 years. Wish it was sooner but now im in a good place.

 

[wilhelminaslater]

Bumping this thread up as I can’t start a new one yet

After coming out of a horrendous 4 year relationship where I was emotionally & physically abused (which ended in a trial), around 9 months later I met someone else

I thought I felt fine but it seems the trauma from the past has ruined this relationship for me. I always needed reassurance, panicked about silly things, I mean I was very affected at the start of the new relationship but he ended it in jan (5 months in) after not being able to cope with how I was dealing with the trial… 4 days later he came back home & life was good, I’d changed for the better because the trial was over so I had none of that stress, & then around a month ago he didn’t know if he wanted to be with me as he felt the messaging was too intense in the day (he was at a residential firefighter training thing for 8 weeks, back at weekends) I felt like it too but didn’t say anything as it didn’t bother me as much, but he came home one Friday & ended it, I pleaded with him to stay with me, he did & everything was fine again..

At this moment in time he’s nearly ended it again, said he can’t do it because of the past & my insecurities, me needing reassurance & things are fine and then slip back again (he knows all about my previous relationship), so I completely opened up to him, phoned my woman’s aid counsellor for weekly sessions, & felt so much better

He says he doesn’t know what to do, one min he’s adamant he’s leaving because he feels like things won’t change, the next he stays & doesn’t go anywhere and says we’ll give it a week - day 2 into this week & he’s not as affectionate with me anymore, our sex is still amazing but even in the night our spoons & cuddles feel different, he’s such a good man, he’s everything I’ve ever wanted, he was loving, calm, affectionate, loyal, good with my children from previous relationship, when we’re good we have the best times, it’s me that’s ruined this & I’m devastated, I don’t know if he’s going to come home & feel a little better or be distant & not be able to look me in the eye, he has felt better after a few days before, all I know is I need him & due to issues in my head from my abusive relationship I’m the one at fault

I can’t eat, I’m numb, I can’t stop crying, he hasn’t gone yet but I can’t help but feel this is the end & as previous posters have said the thought of being without him, & him sharing his life with someone else instead of me kills me

Eta: I’m 28 he’s 23

 

[candyland_]

Bumping this thread up as I can’t start a new one yet

After coming out of a horrendous 4 year relationship where I was emotionally & physically abused (which ended in a trial), around 9 months later I met someone else

I thought I felt fine but it seems the trauma from the past has ruined this relationship for me. I always needed reassurance, panicked about silly things, I mean I was very affected at the start of the new relationship but he ended it in jan (5 months in) after not being able to cope with how I was dealing with the trial… 4 days later he came back home & life was good, I’d changed for the better because the trial was over so I had none of that stress, & then around a month ago he didn’t know if he wanted to be with me as he felt the messaging was too intense in the day (he was at a residential firefighter training thing for 8 weeks, back at weekends) I felt like it too but didn’t say anything as it didn’t bother me as much, but he came home one Friday & ended it, I pleaded with him to stay with me, he did & everything was fine again..

At this moment in time he’s nearly ended it again, said he can’t do it because of the past & my insecurities, me needing reassurance & things are fine and then slip back again (he knows all about my previous relationship), so I completely opened up to him, phoned my woman’s aid counsellor for weekly sessions, & felt so much better

He says he doesn’t know what to do, one min he’s adamant he’s leaving because he feels like things won’t change, the next he stays & doesn’t go anywhere and says we’ll give it a week - day 2 into this week & he’s not as affectionate with me anymore, our sex is still amazing but even in the night our spoons & cuddles feel different, he’s such a good man, he’s everything I’ve ever wanted, he was loving, calm, affectionate, loyal, good with my children from previous relationship, when we’re good we have the best times, it’s me that’s ruined this & I’m devastated, I don’t know if he’s going to come home & feel a little better or be distant & not be able to look me in the eye, he has felt better after a few days before, all I know is I need him & due to issues in my head from my abusive relationship I’m the one at fault

I can’t eat, I’m numb, I can’t stop crying, he hasn’t gone yet but I can’t help but feel this is the end & as previous posters have said the thought of being without him, & him sharing his life with someone else instead of me kills me

Eta: I’m 28 he’s 23

I’m sorry to read this. I think once the doubt sets in then it can be quite hard to come back from. What do you mean by intense messaging? Maybe write them in your notes instead of sending them to him - it will help get the words off your chest.

 

[wilhelminaslater]

I’m sorry to read this. I think once the doubt sets in then it can be quite hard to come back from. What do you mean by intense messaging? Maybe write them in your notes instead of sending them to him - it will help get the words off your chest.

It’s so hard because he’s said it before & been fine it seems like his go to before he’s actually decided & then decides he wants me again, but it’s harder for me each time, & he meant like we’d message in the morning, his lunch break & when he’s done & have a call before bed, not the content of them just how often which I agreed with because it was a bit like we have nothing to talk about at the end of the day! But again, he goes to nearly leaving me before trying to resolve it which eventually worked! My head is mush x

 

[MrsCranky]

It’s so hard because he’s said it before & been fine it seems like his go to before he’s actually decided & then decides he wants me again, but it’s harder for me each time, & he meant like we’d message in the morning, his lunch break & when he’s done & have a call before bed, not the content of them just how often which I agreed with because it was a bit like we have nothing to talk about at the end of the day! But again, he goes to nearly leaving me before trying to resolve it which eventually worked! My head is mush x

Sounds like he's playing games. Games are for children. My ex liked to pick fights with girls but I'm a woman and don't have time for it. It's been two and a half years for me and he's still trying to find ways to get back in my life. My advice is once you've made your mind up that it's not working, causing more pain than happiness, close the door on it for your own sanity, I love a lot when I love but if it's causing me stress it's time to have a clear out. Get hobbies and go out with friends and have a good laugh with the opposite sex. That's all I need anyway. I like being on my own now its easier for me and I couldn't care less if I'm on my own forever. The only thing I miss is a cuddle but I can live without that. I'm not gonna die from a shortage of cuddles I'm not afraid anymore but it's took a while to come to that realisation. Be strong, you will get there and be gentle with yourself. I do yoga, guided meditation, swimming and walking and go to the gym. Keep busy, call in on neighbours and maintain friendships and you will realise your life is becoming full of nice experiences. I never used to have good boundaries and that was the problem I think but now I set them firmly. Learn to be on your own. The hardest walk is the one you walk alone but it's the one that makes you the strongest. I hope I've helped. Love MrsC xxxx

 

[House of Tea]

23 is still quite a young lad. Maybe he just wants to have a more light hearted relationship. You might think that 5 years is no age difference but you are on a different wavelength. You are still young but maybe you are wanting to settle down more at this stage, and he is not ready to.

 

[MrsCranky]

23 is still quite a young lad. Maybe he just wants to have a more light hearted relationship. You might think that 5 years is no age difference but you are on a different wavelength. You are still young but maybe you are wanting to settle down more at this stage, and he is not ready to.

Yes maybe but he shouldn't be playing with someone's mind and heart. 3 things a person shouldn't break, promises, trust and someone's heart. He's coming across as a hot and cold person. I've encountered those people before. If you have to chase after someone then they are not worth having. Some people aren't meant to stay in your life. Never waste your feelings on people who don't value them