I've been close friends with this woman since we were teenagers, 12 years ago. She's always been a little scatter brained and can disappear for months at a time and have trouble managing her work/life balance. But she has always been a very good friend to me. She's one of the few people where we could go for a year without seeing each other (we now live in different cities) and still have an amazing time like the best of friends when we do see each other. We used to visit each other for a couple of days once or twice a year, and talk on the phone every couple of months.
In the past couple of years, since basically the exact time she moved in with her boyfriend, she's been a lot more distant. If I called her, she didn't answer but would text me a week later to say she "just saw" that I called, and whenever I messaged her she'd get back to me a week later, starting with "Sorry, I've only just seen this!" I don't think she's doing this to me personally, I think she just isn't coping well with the demands of life and is trying to manage her workload. But it does hurt my feelings, because we used to be closer. I've offered to listen to any problems she wants to tell me (she occasionally drops hints about how she's been crying a lot lately) but she will suddenly clam up and say everything's great. I've accepted that I can't force her to open up, but I let her know that I was there for her.
She still keeps saying she wants to visit me soon, but then doesn't follow through, and she does sometimes message me to arrange a catch up. I would have accepted that she was pulling away, if she didn't occasionally come on strong again. I've asked her if I've done anything to upset her, but she says no.
A few months ago, I found out that my father is dying. I'm estranged from the whole family, because it was a very abusive household, so it's a lonely time, and I don't know when I am going to get the message that he has died. It's been difficult coming to terms with the fact that he and I will never reconcile. Anyway, all that is background.
When I told my friend this, in a Whatsapp, she did her usual thing of waiting a week, then going "Sorry, I didn't see this. Must be hard, I'm sorry to hear that." Then she went into telling me about her holiday. I was gobsmacked. She didn't ask how I was or offer to talk to me. It really broke my heart. I'd had two years of coming to terms with the fact that we just weren't as close anymore, but for her to act like that really shook me. I decided I had to consider the friendship over and not initiate contact with her again, because I was having to put all my energy into emotionally coping with the situation with my dad.
It's been very hard to lose a friendship that I thought I would have forever and to reflect upon the fact that no matter how close you are, you can just drift apart. But last week I suddenly realised that I felt nice and calm now that I had drawn a line under it and stopped worrying about her pulling away, then coming on strong again.
Two months have passed since I told her about my dad, and we haven't talked since her last message. Then this morning, I got a letter from her in the post, with some chocolates and roses. The letter said she was sorry it had taken ages for her to get in touch, and she felt like she hadn't been a good friend to me lately. She said she wants to come and visit me at some point this year. At first I was surprised and happy with this turn of events, but since then I've felt very down and stressed.
I really appreciate her apology and how nice she's been. But it doesn't reverse the emotional devastation I felt from a supposed close friend of 12 years being so casual about my horrible news and not even asking how I was or to speak to me, or the distance I've mentally put between us since. She is great and has lots of amazing qualities, but I don't feel the same about her anymore. When she just announced in this letter that we'd have a chat soon and she's making plans to come to my city, I just think: you can't admit that you've been a bad friend and then expect that I'm going to be delighted to hear from you.
In my head I really want to put this behind us. We've had rough patches before then had great periods of friendship after. But in my heart I just feel worn out and stressed when I think about her. I currently can't imagine that if she talks to me, I would be able to seem happy or friendly with her.
I showed the letter to another friend, who said that she wouldn't know how to take it either.
I don't want to ghost this woman if she thinks we're still friends, nor do I want to hurt her feelings by telling her clearly that I don't know when/if I want to talk to her again. I can't see a clear path forward, and I don't even know if I really feel what I feel, or if in a few months I'll be less emotional and find that I was just overreacting.
In the past couple of years, since basically the exact time she moved in with her boyfriend, she's been a lot more distant. If I called her, she didn't answer but would text me a week later to say she "just saw" that I called, and whenever I messaged her she'd get back to me a week later, starting with "Sorry, I've only just seen this!" I don't think she's doing this to me personally, I think she just isn't coping well with the demands of life and is trying to manage her workload. But it does hurt my feelings, because we used to be closer. I've offered to listen to any problems she wants to tell me (she occasionally drops hints about how she's been crying a lot lately) but she will suddenly clam up and say everything's great. I've accepted that I can't force her to open up, but I let her know that I was there for her.
She still keeps saying she wants to visit me soon, but then doesn't follow through, and she does sometimes message me to arrange a catch up. I would have accepted that she was pulling away, if she didn't occasionally come on strong again. I've asked her if I've done anything to upset her, but she says no.
A few months ago, I found out that my father is dying. I'm estranged from the whole family, because it was a very abusive household, so it's a lonely time, and I don't know when I am going to get the message that he has died. It's been difficult coming to terms with the fact that he and I will never reconcile. Anyway, all that is background.
When I told my friend this, in a Whatsapp, she did her usual thing of waiting a week, then going "Sorry, I didn't see this. Must be hard, I'm sorry to hear that." Then she went into telling me about her holiday. I was gobsmacked. She didn't ask how I was or offer to talk to me. It really broke my heart. I'd had two years of coming to terms with the fact that we just weren't as close anymore, but for her to act like that really shook me. I decided I had to consider the friendship over and not initiate contact with her again, because I was having to put all my energy into emotionally coping with the situation with my dad.
It's been very hard to lose a friendship that I thought I would have forever and to reflect upon the fact that no matter how close you are, you can just drift apart. But last week I suddenly realised that I felt nice and calm now that I had drawn a line under it and stopped worrying about her pulling away, then coming on strong again.
Two months have passed since I told her about my dad, and we haven't talked since her last message. Then this morning, I got a letter from her in the post, with some chocolates and roses. The letter said she was sorry it had taken ages for her to get in touch, and she felt like she hadn't been a good friend to me lately. She said she wants to come and visit me at some point this year. At first I was surprised and happy with this turn of events, but since then I've felt very down and stressed.
I really appreciate her apology and how nice she's been. But it doesn't reverse the emotional devastation I felt from a supposed close friend of 12 years being so casual about my horrible news and not even asking how I was or to speak to me, or the distance I've mentally put between us since. She is great and has lots of amazing qualities, but I don't feel the same about her anymore. When she just announced in this letter that we'd have a chat soon and she's making plans to come to my city, I just think: you can't admit that you've been a bad friend and then expect that I'm going to be delighted to hear from you.
In my head I really want to put this behind us. We've had rough patches before then had great periods of friendship after. But in my heart I just feel worn out and stressed when I think about her. I currently can't imagine that if she talks to me, I would be able to seem happy or friendly with her.
I showed the letter to another friend, who said that she wouldn't know how to take it either.
I don't want to ghost this woman if she thinks we're still friends, nor do I want to hurt her feelings by telling her clearly that I don't know when/if I want to talk to her again. I can't see a clear path forward, and I don't even know if I really feel what I feel, or if in a few months I'll be less emotional and find that I was just overreacting.
