Fostering/ Adopting

[Emmagrace92]

Hope this is allowed (my first thread) I’m hoping to get some advice. I’m currently fostering my 2 nieces aged 5 and 7 after my sister passed away and their dad didn’t want them full time (the less said about him the better)

They have lived with us now for almost 2 years. We were really close before but with an auntie/ niece relationship and since they’ve been with us I’ve tried to keep things that way for them as they are grieving their mum. Trouble is now I am their sole parent and I’m struggling a bit with that transition.

I absolutely love them like they are my own and that will never change but I was wondering if anyone had any advice on how to go from Auntie to Mum without feeling/ seeming like I’m trying to replace my sister?

Our social worker is great and has suggested a few things but I was wondering if anyone had been in this situation

 

[Babycheeses2]

Firstly want to say I am so sorry for your loss and I hope you are also managing your grieving process whilst taking on this huge responsibility!

I was in a similar position, except my sister didn't pass away, she just didn't want to parent her kids. They were very young when they came to me so they didn't actually know any different - basically they didn't have much recollection of their mum - so they started calling me mum pretty much straight away. I raised this with our social worker and the advice I was given was to let it be and address is once they were a bit older. They are nearly teens now and they still call me mum but when they were around the same age as your neices we had a chat about their mum and me being their aunt but they wanted to continue calling me mum.

I completely understand where you are at mentally though, because I always make a conscious decision to not be overly 'mummy' when we are around family as I don't want them to feel like I've taken my sisters place, and out of respect for my sister I only refer to them as my neices in front of family and not my daughters.

Have you spoken to your neices about this? When I spoke to mine their reasoning for continuing to call me mum was that they felt we were a family and that they had other aunts so they wanted someone to call mum. Sometimes its worth speaking to them about how they feel and going from there?

Its easier for me in my situation as my sister chose to walk away, for yours its more difficult so I understand why you wouldn't want to feel like you're replacing your sister. Are there ways you can honor her life/mark an anniversary so that you don't feel like they are forgetting about her place? I grew up with lots of aunts who were second mothers to me, and I really appreciated having that option, so I don't think you should feel guilty for given them that feeling too.

 

[Emmagrace92]

Firstly want to say I am so sorry for your loss and I hope you are also managing your grieving process whilst taking on this huge responsibility!

I was in a similar position, except my sister didn't pass away, she just didn't want to parent her kids. They were very young when they came to me so they didn't actually know any different - basically they didn't have much recollection of their mum - so they started calling me mum pretty much straight away. I raised this with our social worker and the advice I was given was to let it be and address is once they were a bit older. They are nearly teens now and they still call me mum but when they were around the same age as your neices we had a chat about their mum and me being their aunt but they wanted to continue calling me mum.

I completely understand where you are at mentally though, because I always make a conscious decision to not be overly 'mummy' when we are around family as I don't want them to feel like I've taken my sisters place, and out of respect for my sister I only refer to them as my neices in front of family and not my daughters.

Have you spoken to your neices about this? When I spoke to mine their reasoning for continuing to call me mum was that they felt we were a family and that they had other aunts so they wanted someone to call mum. Sometimes its worth speaking to them about how they feel and going from there?

Its easier for me in my situation as my sister chose to walk away, for yours its more difficult so I understand why you wouldn't want to feel like you're replacing your sister. Are there ways you can honor her life/mark an anniversary so that you don't feel like they are forgetting about her place? I grew up with lots of aunts who were second mothers to me, and I really appreciated having that option, so I don't think you should feel guilty for given them that feeling too.

Thank you so much for your reply it’s a relief to hear that our situation is semi normal.

I haven’t really spoken too much to them about the situation but sometimes the eldest will say things about her mum in heaven so we have a conversation about it then I just haven’t actually brought it up myself to them.

My husband has a daughter who is slightly older then my oldest niece and a few times when they have been playing they have all just referred to him as Dad so I think calling us Mum and Dad will come but I'm fine with it either way

The added complication I have is that my sister and I have a different mum so there is a whole other family for me to be conscious of I would hate for them to think I’m trying to take her place.

As a family we make a big thing of my sisters birthday, anniversary’s selfishly I don’t feel I am ready to be able to support the girls in marking just yet.

What an incredible thing for you to do by the way to take your Nieces on by the way

 

[Dipstick]

I felt the need to comment and simply commend you both for stepping forward and offering a life long commitment to your nieces and nephews. You have each made a huge sacrifice, and one which will shape these children's lives for the better. They're incredibly lucky to have you, and to be supported through what will have been an extremely traumatic loss for them. You've both given the best possible gift of safety, stability and love.

I wonder what support your nieces have had in terms of their bereavement, and also what support you have had yourself? There are national child bereavement charities such as Winston's Wish, and Grief Encounter who may be able to help your nieces to explore their grief in creative, age appropriate and child focussed ways. Bereavement counselling may also help you personally with navigating your own emotions, which might even include possibly guilt about parenting your nieces and inadvertently "replacing" their mother. The emotions surrounding your situation are complex and I would have thought that bereavement counselling might be a good place to start. I'm sorry that I can't offer any advice on a personal level from my own experience, which was probably more what you were seeking. But I just wanted to mention bereavement counselling as it is so crucial for children and so often overlooked.

 

[Emmagrace92]

Thank you. I’m no hero I just couldn’t bare the thought of them going into care when their waste of space Dad said he wouldn’t take them on full time.

the girls are getting amazing support through a local charity and I am having counselling which really helps us individually.

My Dad is taking them away in the Feb half term with my brother and his kids so I think I might use that time to think of a way to talk to them about our situation.

Thank you both for your replies it’s felt nice to get it off my chest.

 

[Babycheeses2]

Thank you @Dipstick and I echo @Emmagrace92 I couldn't bare the thought of them being in care, and everyone else in the family refused to take both of them (most of them wanted the newborn and not the toddler) but I didn't want them to be brought up in separate households. I don't consider myself a hero, to be honest it has been very difficult at times - parenting usually is, but I have none of my own so having two at one time and having to navigate the complexities of raising them have had its ups and downs, so there have been times that I have had regrets. I find it difficult to admit that to people because I sometimes feel like I can't because I chose to parent them both together. I also have moments where I feel guilt for my husband as he has played an enormous part in raising the girls yet he is not biologically related to them but I am. They call him dad and he is quite firm in that he is their dad - to him he see it as an adoption.

@Emmagrace92 - are you still regarded as Foster carers or have you discussed going for an SGO?

 

[StillLucilleBluth]

Glad to find this thread. I am single and want to foster and maybe adopt eventually. I’m 37 and could meet all the main criteria (spare room, flexible working etc.) but I know it’s a huge commitment so I was wondering if anyone had any advice? I know that’s a very broad question but honestly anything would be welcome. I’m signed up to some information evenings my council organise so will find out lots then I’m sure, but if anyone else has done it (especially as a single woman) I would be so grateful for any thoughts or reflections.

 

[petitspois]

There’s an Instagram account called notyouraveragefamily that’s really good. A couple are guardians of the man’s niece and nephew as the Mum passed.

 

[Clairer86]

I have no advice, but i just want to say how sorry i am regarding the passing of your sister and i think you are absolutely amazing. I am a social worker in children's services- i work in child protection not adoption and fostering, or looked after children, so i cant really pass on any advice; however im glad you have a good relationship with your social worker- my one tip would be to use her/him as much as possible when you feel you need to. They work for you and the children and i would use them as much as possible if you need to.