Finding 'caring' normal families overbearing..

[GamerLlama87]

Hi all, something has been bothering me lately and I feel like this is going to be a whole heap of word vomit but it's something I've never really talked about before.

So I was raised by my dad, my mother left when I was 3 because she just couldn't be bothered being a parent and was generally a waste of space. So a lack of maternal influence growing up may have contributed to this.

But my dad was a very hands off parent, and while it led to me growing up to be very independent, I also find any sort of "normal" caring parenting irrationally annoying.

Examples of how my dad was include if I ask a question, I got told to look it up and find the answer/solution myself. If I hurt myself, there was no tender care, just get on with it you're fine. Even as a young kid. No affection, no hugs, no I love you's etc.

Now, I'm pregnant with mine and my boyfriend's first baby and we're thrilled and so excited. When I told my dad, he responded with a thumbs up emoji and hasn't once asked me any further questions or how it's going etc. I'm 20 weeks now. But my boyfriend's family are incredibly excited and his mum is constantly ask how I'm feeling, how's baby doing, do we need anything and while I know it's because they care and they love us, my god I find it annoying. In my head all I can think is "oh my god, you asked me a few days ago, I'm fine. Leave me alone". And I feel awful for it.

Another example is my boyfriend and I both had COVID last year and felt pretty horrendous for a while. Again, told my dad and he was just "oh you'll be fine" and never asked again how I feel or if I recovered. But his parents called us almost every day to ask if we're okay and dropping cooked food off for us etc. Again, because they care, but I find it so irritating. Even though I know it's lovely and normal.

Does this make any sense?! I'm starting to worry that my own experiences will contribute to how I parent our baby and I don't want to become a stand-offish, hands off parent who appears aloof about every aspect of their life. I'm also worried I'll find offers of help annoying and end up alienating people unintentionally which I also really don't want to do

 

[Rodneytrotter]

Hey, I just wanted to say I had a similar upbringing so can relate to 'look it up', 'get over it' no hugs etc.

I find too much attention over bearing and do get irritated. Maybe because its not familiar behaviour im not sure.

Sorry I'm not much help but just wanted to comment as I could relate to what you've said.

 

[Twinks10]

Hi all, something has been bothering me lately and I feel like this is going to be a whole heap of word vomit but it's something I've never really talked about before.

So I was raised by my dad, my mother left when I was 3 because she just couldn't be bothered being a parent and was generally a waste of space. So a lack of maternal influence growing up may have contributed to this.

But my dad was a very hands off parent, and while it led to me growing up to be very independent, I also find any sort of "normal" caring parenting irrationally annoying.

Examples of how my dad was include if I ask a question, I got told to look it up and find the answer/solution myself. If I hurt myself, there was no tender care, just get on with it you're fine. Even as a young kid. No affection, no hugs, no I love you's etc.

Now, I'm pregnant with mine and my boyfriend's first baby and we're thrilled and so excited. When I told my dad, he responded with a thumbs up emoji and hasn't once asked me any further questions or how it's going etc. I'm 20 weeks now. But my boyfriend's family are incredibly excited and his mum is constantly ask how I'm feeling, how's baby doing, do we need anything and while I know it's because they care and they love us, my god I find it annoying. In my head all I can think is "oh my god, you asked me a few days ago, I'm fine. Leave me alone". And I feel awful for it.

Another example is my boyfriend and I both had COVID last year and felt pretty horrendous for a while. Again, told my dad and he was just "oh you'll be fine" and never asked again how I feel or if I recovered. But his parents called us almost every day to ask if we're okay and dropping cooked food off for us etc. Again, because they care, but I find it so irritating. Even though I know it's lovely and normal.

Does this make any sense?! I'm starting to worry that my own experiences will contribute to how I parent our baby and I don't want to become a stand-offish, hands off parent who appears aloof about every aspect of their life. I'm also worried I'll find offers of help annoying and end up alienating people unintentionally which I also really don't want to do

Hi, congratulations on your pregnancy

I don’t have any experience of an upbringing like yours as mine was more like how you describe your partner’s so I can’t relate but wanted to say that I think you’ll find your own rhythm as you raise your child. You’ll reflect on things that you liked/didn’t like in how your dad brought you up and no doubt your partner will do the same and you’ll find your own way. You may also surprise yourself and become more ‘nurturing’ than you think you’ll be when your baby is here! That happened with me, I always thought I’d be a certain type of parent and more like how my dad was but I’m actually the total opposite and I’m actively trying to not repeat some of the patterns in my upbringing for my children.

Have you spoken to your partner about how you feel about how his family is? I’m not suggesting you be critical but maybe just explain that it’s so alien to you, you feel a bit overwhelmed at all the concern/comments and are not sure how best to handle it. Tell him that you don’t want to push people away but find it too much sometimes and maybe he can chat to his parents to explain this and you’ll find a happy medium?

 

[TheGlossy]

Congratulations on your pregnancy!

I grew up with rather cold parents. My dad was quite a dotting dad until I turned 8, then he got distant as he got uncomfortable with me growing up (8 is still a baby) and my siblings came along afterwards. After that point, he was not cold, but the kind words, the hugs etc.. were completely gone. My mother was always very cold. I therefore have never really experienced what other people see as "normal" or "caring".

I can understand what you feel when you say you feel uncomfortable with attention or affection. You're just not used to it and it's perfectly fine. I'm the same when people start caring too much, I start feeling awkward and feel as though it's almost insincere. I feel as though they're trying to invade my personal space. Truth be told, it's something I need to work on, because it's primarily the toxicity speaking. It could also very well be it's not a part of my personality to be affectionate and feel comfortable with people's caring ways, but ultimately, it's something you learn to manoeuvre. For me personally, the issue lies within the fact that I've always felt unwanted and a burden to my parents, that I have therefore learned to care for myself but no expect anything of the sort from other people. When people act too caring, I feel like a burden to them. It's the rejection issue that kicks in subconsciously.

I'm sure you will be a great mother. Perhaps have a chat with your partner about how you feel. Maybe he will be able to provide you with some perspective on how to handle it. This baby is lucky as they're definitely going to be loved!

I don't have children myself, but despite being a bit uncomfortable with caring gestures and affection, I'm pretty sure I'll be a dotting parent if I ever have kids. Kids bring strengths/qualities in you you didn't know you had.

 

[Lalla]

I get some of where you're coming from, my parents always told me to look things up. They tried not to 'over fuss' me because I was an only child and they didn't want me to grow up spoilt. They encouraged me to be independent - I was never picked up or carried for example from the age of about 3. But I always knew I was loved and I felt they made a lot of effort for me in other ways. Just not in a physical/ overly emotional sense.

I find being hugged by people uncomfortable and it's taken me about 30 years not to physically recoil. Social distancing was great for me! I still don't like a fuss now, I get overwhelmed by it. I struggled with relationships for years because I couldn't cope with the attention of men being interested in me. I am quite a solitary person and enjoy my own company. I would definitely find all the requests for updates on pregnancy that you've been getting from your DPs mum really annoying even though clearly well intentioned.

My parents died when I was in my early 20s before I had my children (who are now in their 20s themselves). I have always hugged my kids and tell them I love them every day and even though they're grown up I think we have had, and still have a good, affectionate relationship. But they have also had quite a lot of independence and responsibility from a young age because I was a single parent and worked full time.

I think when you have your baby you will find your own path, and that will probably be a somewhere between your dad's approach and your partner's family. In the meantime I agree maybe explaining how you feel to your partner before you become resentful of his family pestering you! Good luck with the pregnancy, I'm sure you'll be a great mum. One thing I would say Is you can never give too many hugs

 

[FakeSmile]

I can completely relate to this as I didn’t grow up in an overly physical/emotionally loving family. I’ve now got 3 young children and I do find myself having to make extra effort to be more attentive and loving (although I do love them to death!) but aslong as I’m aware of it I don’t find it too hard.

I have recently undergone some counselling, not because of anything in particular to do with my upbringing, and I’ve found it really helpful in looking at how my parents actions have affected me and in turn the way that I am now as a mother. It’s made me see myself in a different light and definitely had a positive bearing on the day to day with my children now.

 

[Sven]

I can relate. I was brought up in a very broken family and often just ‘got on with it’. My dad was awful to me and had multiple affairs, my mum was distraught after and struggled with 3 kids and her self esteem and then depended on me too much. I too worried that I would be like that to my child. I am 100% not. I am fully involved, I let her find her own way but with guidance. I will always, always be there for her. We have such lovely cuddles (she’s 3). I found that what my upbringing lacked, is what she will have an abundance of. And it’s not like I have to try very hard to provide that, because I know what it feels like to have parents treat you like that and I am the opposite for her naturally.
I do find my h’s family to be a bit overbearing sometimes but I recognise that it is my own experience clouding this and I should embrace it (with boundaries of course!).
I did some therapy to help my anxiety and self esteem stemming from my childhood because my dad bullied me and my mum leant on me too much - I never got hugged or even a hand on a shoulder etc.I now have a photo of me the same age as my daughter on the fridge who reminds me every day that the way I speak to my daughter is how I should have been raised. It made my inner voice kinder.
I think I rambled but I hope you understand what I’m trying to say

 

[boarddotie]

Very honest of you and other posters to share their stories. I agree with those who say talk to a professional just in general. Just being aware of the limitations to how you were raised is a great start. I had a different upbringing but left me anxious attachment style, look up attachment styles and see if you recognise yourself in any of the categories. I'm working hard with s counceller to come to terms with this and hopefully ensure it doesn't affect my romantic relationship and ability as a mom. Good luck!!

 

[BettyCrockerr]

Hi all, something has been bothering me lately and I feel like this is going to be a whole heap of word vomit but it's something I've never really talked about before.

So I was raised by my dad, my mother left when I was 3 because she just couldn't be bothered being a parent and was generally a waste of space. So a lack of maternal influence growing up may have contributed to this.

But my dad was a very hands off parent, and while it led to me growing up to be very independent, I also find any sort of "normal" caring parenting irrationally annoying.

Examples of how my dad was include if I ask a question, I got told to look it up and find the answer/solution myself. If I hurt myself, there was no tender care, just get on with it you're fine. Even as a young kid. No affection, no hugs, no I love you's etc.

Now, I'm pregnant with mine and my boyfriend's first baby and we're thrilled and so excited. When I told my dad, he responded with a thumbs up emoji and hasn't once asked me any further questions or how it's going etc. I'm 20 weeks now. But my boyfriend's family are incredibly excited and his mum is constantly ask how I'm feeling, how's baby doing, do we need anything and while I know it's because they care and they love us, my god I find it annoying. In my head all I can think is "oh my god, you asked me a few days ago, I'm fine. Leave me alone". And I feel awful for it.

Another example is my boyfriend and I both had COVID last year and felt pretty horrendous for a while. Again, told my dad and he was just "oh you'll be fine" and never asked again how I feel or if I recovered. But his parents called us almost every day to ask if we're okay and dropping cooked food off for us etc. Again, because they care, but I find it so irritating. Even though I know it's lovely and normal.

Does this make any sense?! I'm starting to worry that my own experiences will contribute to how I parent our baby and I don't want to become a stand-offish, hands off parent who appears aloof about every aspect of their life. I'm also worried I'll find offers of help annoying and end up alienating people unintentionally which I also really don't want to do

I can understand what you are saying.
is your Dad like this across the board, in all areas of his life? Does he ever show affection or excitement or interest in any other areas of your life or his own - does he like animals or have a passion for a sporting team or something?

and what about you - are you generally quite affectionate/loving and more open in your own life?

when your baby arrives I think you will be surprised by how that makes you feel and the bond you will have with the baby is just magic. you may also see a shift in your Dad when he becomes a Grandfather.

 

[GamerLlama87]

I can understand what you are saying.
is your Dad like this across the board, in all areas of his life? Does he ever show affection or excitement or interest in any other areas of your life or his own - does he like animals or have a passion for a sporting team or something?

and what about you - are you generally quite affectionate/loving and more open in your own life?

when your baby arrives I think you will be surprised by how that makes you feel and the bond you will have with the baby is just magic. you may also see a shift in your Dad when he becomes a Grandfather.

He's very much like it across the board. I haven't even seen him in a couple of years, we don't really speak very often anymore.

4 years ago I split with my ex right before we were due to get married because I found out he was cheating. So a 12 year relationship came to a very sudden end and he still didn't offer any support/help, didn't offer a place to stay (I moved in with a random woman in a house share). So it's just how it is. The only thing he's interested in is politics and the corruption of governments, particularly ours and America so he'll message me to say "blah blah is happening in America, you bought a Starbucks coffee and therefore supporting their tax avoidance" for example, but hasn't generally said hello or asked how I am in probably over a decade at least.

Mehhh it's just been bothering me, I don't want to become a distant parent like him or worse, walk out like my mother did. I'm not like.. worried it's going to happen or anything. I love this little baby more than I could ever imagine already. I cannot wait to be a mum. But I can't help but wonder how my parents can act the way they did when I feel my baby kicking me and how much I adore them and can't wait to meet them.

My partner knows about it all, we've talked about it a few times recently and he's amazing and very understanding and reassuring. I think I just wanted to write it all down and get it out more than anything!

 

[BettyCrockerr]

He's very much like it across the board. I haven't even seen him in a couple of years, we don't really speak very often anymore.

4 years ago I split with my ex right before we were due to get married because I found out he was cheating. So a 12 year relationship came to a very sudden end and he still didn't offer any support/help, didn't offer a place to stay (I moved in with a random woman in a house share). So it's just how it is. The only thing he's interested in is politics and the corruption of governments, particularly ours and America so he'll message me to say "blah blah is happening in America, you bought a Starbucks coffee and therefore supporting their tax avoidance" for example, but hasn't generally said hello or asked how I am in probably over a decade at least.

Mehhh it's just been bothering me, I don't want to become a distant parent like him or worse, walk out like my mother did. I'm not like.. worried it's going to happen or anything. I love this little baby more than I could ever imagine already. I cannot wait to be a mum. But I can't help but wonder how my parents can act the way they did when I feel my baby kicking me and how much I adore them and can't wait to meet them.

My partner knows about it all, we've talked about it a few times recently and he's amazing and very understanding and reassuring. I think I just wanted to write it all down and get it out more than anything!

You sound like you are going to be a fantastic mum, wishing you all the best

 

[FakeSmile]

He's very much like it across the board. I haven't even seen him in a couple of years, we don't really speak very often anymore.

4 years ago I split with my ex right before we were due to get married because I found out he was cheating. So a 12 year relationship came to a very sudden end and he still didn't offer any support/help, didn't offer a place to stay (I moved in with a random woman in a house share). So it's just how it is. The only thing he's interested in is politics and the corruption of governments, particularly ours and America so he'll message me to say "blah blah is happening in America, you bought a Starbucks coffee and therefore supporting their tax avoidance" for example, but hasn't generally said hello or asked how I am in probably over a decade at least.

Mehhh it's just been bothering me, I don't want to become a distant parent like him or worse, walk out like my mother did. I'm not like.. worried it's going to happen or anything. I love this little baby more than I could ever imagine already. I cannot wait to be a mum. But I can't help but wonder how my parents can act the way they did when I feel my baby kicking me and how much I adore them and can't wait to meet them.

My partner knows about it all, we've talked about it a few times recently and he's amazing and very understanding and reassuring. I think I just wanted to write it all down and get it out more than anything!

I can completely relate to this, I have found myself getting angry on different occasions since having my children with the thought of how my own parents could have been the way that they were with me and my sister. I look at my kids and think how I would never want to be that way, and then think well why didn’t my own parents have those thoughts with us?! It’s why I have found attending a few sessions of therapy really helpful in seeing things from different perspectives and being at peace with my own parenting. I would strongly recommend it, even if you just talk to someone a couple of times.

 

[Sven]

He's very much like it across the board. I haven't even seen him in a couple of years, we don't really speak very often anymore.

4 years ago I split with my ex right before we were due to get married because I found out he was cheating. So a 12 year relationship came to a very sudden end and he still didn't offer any support/help, didn't offer a place to stay (I moved in with a random woman in a house share). So it's just how it is. The only thing he's interested in is politics and the corruption of governments, particularly ours and America so he'll message me to say "blah blah is happening in America, you bought a Starbucks coffee and therefore supporting their tax avoidance" for example, but hasn't generally said hello or asked how I am in probably over a decade at least.

Mehhh it's just been bothering me, I don't want to become a distant parent like him or worse, walk out like my mother did. I'm not like.. worried it's going to happen or anything. I love this little baby more than I could ever imagine already. I cannot wait to be a mum. But I can't help but wonder how my parents can act the way they did when I feel my baby kicking me and how much I adore them and can't wait to meet them.

My partner knows about it all, we've talked about it a few times recently and he's amazing and very understanding and reassuring. I think I just wanted to write it all down and get it out more than anything!

It is a really hard pill to swallow when you have your own children and you feel the way you do about them and realise that your parent(s) didn’t love you like that.
For an example, my dad never tries to speak to me except when he wants something. He hasn’t spoken to me for months, yet yesterday he messaged me to say he’d sold his car for £££££ amount of money and he would miss it. And I was just like… what.
He didn’t say hello, how are you, how’s my granddaughter? Just ‘I’ve sold my car for xxxxx I’ll miss it!’

who gives a tit about your car? I could never be so hurtful and crappy to my daughter. My SIL always says it’s a miracle I’m so nice and normal because I was brought up SO dysfunctionally.

 

[Rippedjeanmaybe]

I can totally relate to all that you’ve said there and although it’s sad that others feel the same as me, it’s reassuring to know i’m not alone.

I was raised by my mum alone and she suffered with depression my whole life. She wasn’t physically affectionate and didn’t do “I love you” or “I’m proud of you”. She actually worked for a lot of my childhood (about 60 hours a week, sometimes more) and I just got this feeling like she wasn’t interested. She still isn’t interested, she’s always been very selfish and doesn’t have an interest in anything really.

my dad I saw on and off, but he was very similar to my mum, no affection, no words of love and again, selfish, but also miserable.

I’ve been with my current partner for six years and while his family are great, I do find it irritating how overbearing they are. I once had toothache and his mum fussed over me like I’d lost a limb, she wanted to come my house and look after me…which I totally didn’t want and I just wanted to be left alone. Whenever my partner goes away for work, she’s always texting me asking me if I need anything… I hate attention, I hate being fussed over and I just want to be left alone.

I don’t have children and I don’t want them, partly because of my upbringing (not because I think I’ll be same as them, more because I just want to be selfish and have no responsibility) so I can’t help on that front, however it’s our choices that define us and the fact you’re worrying over whether or not you’ll be a good mum proves you already are one.