Feeling jealous and anxious in a relationship

[Quaranqueen]

Hi everyone,

I have been with my partner for 3 years now. We met on tinder and he is absolutely perfect. He’s gorgeous and kind and really funny. He was a carer for his mum until the age of 22 and didn’t have much of a life outside of that until we met and all of my friends absolutely love him and in turn have become his friends. When we met he was a virgin and lacked confidence with new people, now I’m happy to say he’s really blossomed and is comfortable within himself and genuinely just hilarious and everyone loves him. However, he has started a job at a big firm recently and it’s very social - they have lots of nights out and he works with gorgeous girls. I trust him 100% but I feel like I’m too boring for him, I have a full time job as a teacher and have the feeling he just isn’t excited by me anymore. Whenever we’re together he spends lots of time on his phone and although he tries to reassure me, I can’t shake this feeling and I don’t really know what to do. I have brought it up but it seems like we just go around in circles.

If anyone has any advice I’d really appreciate it because I’m just lost on what to do.

 

[LaurieLaurie]

I think you have to relax in all honesty, being jealous and projecting it onto him will push him away and then he might think ‘oh well she keeps accusing me so I may aswell do it’.

 

[Tinkerbell cat]

Worst thing you can do is go on and on at him. Trust me, I have been there. There is only so many times he can reassure you. Don't create problems that aren't there. x

 

[SqualorVictoria]

I'm sorry but I think spending loads of time on his phone when he's with you is unacceptable, have you spoken to him about that? It's rude

 

[mcfeez]

I think you just need to take a breather and calm down a little bit. If you trust him, there's no reason to be worried. It's a new job so he's probably still caught up in the excitement of the change still.

If he's on his phone too much that's potentially a separate issue. I agree with the above poster - Its disrespectful to always be checking your phone when spending time together.

 

[Quaranqueen]

Thanks everyone - I trust him completely, I think I’m just a bit self conscious because I think he’s a lot more attractive than I am.

With his phone, he’s very into football so he’ll have the match on while we’re watching something (just on mute) and then a lads group chat on the go. How do I approach the whole phone thing without sounding like I’m just whining at him?

 

[SqualorVictoria]

Hi babe, would you mind spending less time on your phone when we're together? Or words to that effect

 

[justheretoread99]

Jealousy comes from a lack of trust and a sometimes a lack of self esteem.

You are comparing yourself to these girls he works with. Stop it. Easier said than done but try not to compare yourself to anyone.

Suggest to him that you have more date nights? Or when you’re doing stuff together (eating dinner, watching a film) that you both put your phones away. Or even turn them off.

 

[Barbie2020]

Unless he’s given you a reason not to trust him then please try to relax. He might have just made more friends at his new work and enjoying being more sociable. My husband spends quite a bit of time on his phone, he has a big group of friends and they are always chatting to each other, it does my head in and I know it drives his friends partners mad too.

If your relationship is strong and happy you will push him away and end up regretting it. Have a bit more confidence in yourself, he obviously loves you and wants to be with you. Don’t compare yourself to other girls! You’re just as good as them

Tell him it’s rude to be on his phone constantly when you are together if it’s bothering you and means you aren’t actually spending any quality time together. Mine will leave his phone upstairs if we are watching a film together etc. I can also be a bugger for spending too much time on my phone (tattle, insta etc) and I’m definitely not cheating

 

[BettyCrockerr]

You sound like you may be a little jealous of his new job and new found social life? Or a bit annoyed because he’s found friends outside of you & your friends and perhaps your feeling a little excluded because he’s now got a job and an portion of his life that’s separate from you?

If your relationship is soild and he’s as nice a guy as you say, then you have nothing to worry about. Just enjoy watching him flourish. It ok that he is spreading his wings a bit and finding his own social circle.

if the phone thing is what is genuinely bugging you then just ask if you could both do a “no phones” rule when you are together?

 

[Quaranqueen]

You sound like you may be a little jealous of his new job and new found social life? Or a bit annoyed because he’s found friends outside of you & your friends and perhaps your feeling a little excluded because he’s now got a job and an portion of his life that’s separate from you?

If your relationship is soild and he’s as nice a guy as you say, then you have nothing to worry about. Just enjoy watching him flourish. It ok that he is spreading his wings a bit and finding his own social circle.

if the phone thing is what is genuinely bugging you then just ask if you could both do a “no phones” rule when you are together?

100% is the jealousy. I just am a bit insecure and don’t want him to realise he could probably have a lot better. This has made me feel loads better though - I think I just need to chill don’t I

 

[Tinkerbell cat]

Thanks everyone - I trust him completely, I think I’m just a bit self conscious because I think he’s a lot more attractive than I am.

With his phone, he’s very into football so he’ll have the match on while we’re watching something (just on mute) and then a lads group chat on the go. How do I approach the whole phone thing without sounding like I’m just whining at him?

Is my boyfriend your boyfriend? haha, my boyfriend is obsessed with football, and is also in a football group chat, also does fantasy football, and when he isn't watching it, he is reading about it, and when he isn't reading about it, he is talking about it. He also watches a ridiculous amount of youtube, anything from F1 to arcade machines.
We've been together 3.5 yrs and live together so I don't really mind him being on is phone as I am too, just as long as it isn't 24/7, but we are conscious not to be so engrossed in our phones often when in one another's company like in the evenings, or when we have date nights, watch a boxset we are both into etc.
I usually read or watch my own stuff while he watches his you tube/ reads his football stuff.
It would annoy me too though if I was just sat there while he was flat out on his phone, as I am sure it would bother him if I was constantly on my phone while he was doing nothing. Just communicate with him, let him know how you feel. When he is doing his football stuff, play a game on your phone, come onto tattle and read through some of the threads, read a good book, watch things on your phone that your boyfriend wouldn't watch ( i always find its a good chance to catch up on shite films like the kissing booth etc)
xx

 

[Quaranqueen]

Thanks everyone - I’ve tried to take everything on board so had a chat about being on phones etc and he said he’d really try to make an effort. We’ve tried to make some plans just to make it feel a bit more like “dates” and we went to a gig last night so it was lovely!!! However, bit of a stress for me because he’s out on Friday with work - he’s at Bongos Bingo and I’m trying to not feel tit but I just feel tit every time he goes out. What can I do? His mam has offered for me to go round to hers for a few drinks - should I or should I just have a quiet one in?

 

[BettyCrockerr]

Thanks everyone - I’ve tried to take everything on board so had a chat about being on phones etc and he said he’d really try to make an effort. We’ve tried to make some plans just to make it feel a bit more like “dates” and we went to a gig last night so it was lovely!!! However, bit of a stress for me because he’s out on Friday with work - he’s at Bongos Bingo and I’m trying to not feel tit but I just feel tit every time he goes out. What can I do? His mam has offered for me to go round to hers for a few drinks - should I or should I just have a quiet one in?

Can you make plans to go out yourself with friends? Or go to a friends house? Go to the cinema?
Do something that you want to do - and enjoy yourself. Don’t spend the evening sitting in on your own clock watching and feeling miserable. Make plans of your own and enjoy your evening however you want

 

[MrsM19]

Your boyfriend...

If you expect him to take the relationship further and move in together at some stage you need to keep yourself busy. Try to get out while he is out, staying at home torturing yourself thinking about what he is up to will drive you insane. So many things you can do... book club, gym etc.

He has come a long way and fair play to him! Passive aggressive comments trying to tell him what to do or how to act... no, just no. He has a mother, he doesn't need another one. Imagine if the roles were reversed...

Ask him not to use his phone to watch football? Cray, cray! I say this as straight woman who likes football.
I don't tend to make plans on days/nights my team is playing but if something is up and a big game is on at the same time it's up to me to decide what to do. If I am at home watching a movie I see no issue having the phone on at the same time. If I am in the company of others or out somewhere the phone will most def be off.

Standards are a funny thing... Some of us can def do better but can't see it, others know the potential they have.

Either way, your insecurities are your issues to deal with him, not his. No amount of reassurance can make you feel good about yourself. Talk to a therapist and take it from there.