End of the baby years

[Chocolate2008]

My kids are 2 & 4.

Im struggling with them not being babies anymore. Every time someone announces they are pregnant & has a tiny baby I get really envious to the extent that I try to avoid such situations but not to the extent that it’s obvious.

The funny thing is I’m not the perfect parent. While I liked being pregnant I also felt, particularly the second time like it was never ending. I found the lack of sleep earth shattering. Now I lose my temper with my kids a lot, I’m nearly always in stress mode, mainly because of work.

I had my second child during Covid and l struggled a lot. I spent a lot of time in therapy holding my baby. It was mainly work related stress.

My sister was visiting yesterday with her new baby & toddler. I made a big fuss of her kids, got presents, dropped toys over and gave her a ton of baby clothes. She said “oh they’ve gotten so big” about my kids and then pretty much ignored them. It probably sounds daft (I know!) but I felt so sad about it. Like my kids have aged out of being of interest to anyone!

In a rational person, I know I’m lucky. But at the moment emotions are overriding the rational setting in brain!

 

[MakeDamnSure]

I could have written this exact post! My children are 6 and 3. My youngest was 6 months old when covid kicked off. My husband and I decided we were done after 2 children but now I can’t help but feel so upset that I will never have a tiny baby sleeping in my arms again! 3 of our closest friends and my sister in law had babies this year and although I was over the moon for them all there was a little pang of jealousy!
The thing is though, I know I don’t want to go back to sleepless nights and all that comes with a newborn. We would have to move and get bigger cars, at the moment I work evenings and weekends so we don’t have to pay for childcare and having another baby would mean I would have to do that for another 3 years which I don’t want to do!
I feel like maybe I am only feeling this way because we were the first of our friends to have children so now all our friends are now having babies and it’s making me broody! Combine that with not really being able to make the most of the baby stage with my second as it was covid.

Also I have LOVED seeing my babies get bigger. I love seeing their personalities develop, when they go to preschool and school and they tell you all about their new little world and their friends. There’s lots of joy to be had in your children getting older and also it’s nice to get a bit more of yourself back as they get a bit more independent.

As for not being a ‘perfect parent’, none of us are, we all lose our temper sometimes don’t beat yourself up about it

 

[Chocolate2008]

I could have written this exact post! My children are 6 and 3. My youngest was 6 months old when covid kicked off. My husband and I decided we were done after 2 children but now I can’t help but feel so upset that I will never have a tiny baby sleeping in my arms again! 3 of our closest friends and my sister in law had babies this year and although I was over the moon for them all there was a little pang of jealousy!
The thing is though, I know I don’t want to go back to sleepless nights and all that comes with a newborn. We would have to move and get bigger cars, at the moment I work evenings and weekends so we don’t have to pay for childcare and having another baby would mean I would have to do that for another 3 years which I don’t want to do!
I feel like maybe I am only feeling this way because we were the first of our friends to have children so now all our friends are now having babies and it’s making me broody! Combine that with not really being able to make the most of the baby stage with my second as it was covid.

Also I have LOVED seeing my babies get bigger. I love seeing their personalities develop, when they go to preschool and school and they tell you all about their new little world and their friends. There’s lots of joy to be had in your children getting older and also it’s nice to get a bit more of yourself back as they get a bit more independent.

As for not being a ‘perfect parent’, none of us are, we all lose our temper sometimes don’t beat yourself up about it

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply.

I suspect my feelings are familiar to a lot of women. I agree as well although much worse happened during Covid, I feel very robbed of a proper baby experience. I loved the social side of my first maternity leave. The whole situation was so intense I barely remember my second child being a baby.

I am surprised at the extent of my feelings around pregnancy & babies, and how difficult I find it being around small babies.

My sister and I had a row during Covid. I have some very complicated and often negative feelings towards my sister.

My sister was very involved when I had my first baby and liked being an aunt, I made her godmother. She started to worry about her fertility. I got pregnant a second time and was hyper sensitive around how I told her. She hasn’t actually been trying long but was very stressed about it and meeting her felt tense. She got pregnant on her first round of IVF just before I had my second.

(Sorry essay), she came to visit during Covid. My son got sick (he had asthma so is often sick) and she freaked out as it was after we had been on holidays and said I’d put her a risk. This was the same week she met my second child who she’s barely acknowledged and I meet her first who I went out of my way to make a fuss of. She was understandably caught up with her own first baby which I get to point.

Fast forward a year later and my sister has another baby (a happy accident) is telling me how hard it is having a child getting sick all the time in crèche. I find that really hard to listen to given how little understanding she has towards my situation.

Since my sister has had her kids she has almost zero interest in mine. During this visit myself and my husband have helped them out with lifts, baby equipment etc etc and when the only thing she says about my kids is “they are getting so big” I feel dismissed.

I’m sorry for the family drama, I know it sounds tedious but it adds to my feelings. I feel my kid’s babyhood slipped through my fingers more because of Covid and I’m struggling to deal with it.

 

[Megansnarkle]

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply.

I suspect my feelings are familiar to a lot of women. I agree as well although much worse happened during Covid, I feel very robbed of a proper baby experience. I loved the social side of my first maternity leave. The whole situation was so intense I barely remember my second child being a baby.

I am surprised at the extent of my feelings around pregnancy & babies, and how difficult I find it being around small babies.

My sister and I had a row during Covid. I have some very complicated and often negative feelings towards my sister.

My sister was very involved when I had my first baby and liked being an aunt, I made her godmother. She started to worry about her fertility. I got pregnant a second time and was hyper sensitive around how I told her. She hasn’t actually been trying long but was very stressed about it and meeting her felt tense. She got pregnant on her first round of IVF just before I had my second.

(Sorry essay), she came to visit during Covid. My son got sick (he had asthma so is often sick) and she freaked out as it was after we had been on holidays and said I’d put her a risk. This was the same week she met my second child who she’s barely acknowledged and I meet her first who I went out of my way to make a fuss of. She was understandably caught up with her own first baby which I get to point.

Fast forward a year later and my sister has another baby (a happy accident) is telling me how hard it is having a child getting sick all the time in crèche. I find that really hard to listen to given how little understanding she has towards my situation.

Since my sister has had her kids she has almost zero interest in mine. During this visit myself and my husband have helped them out with lifts, baby equipment etc etc and when the only thing she says about my kids is “they are getting so big” I feel dismissed.

I’m sorry for the family drama, I know it sounds tedious but it adds to my feelings. I feel my kid’s babyhood slipped through my fingers more because of Covid and I’m struggling to deal with it.

It sounds like your sister probably has in the past had a lot of complicated feelings around your kids before she had her own due to her own difficulties. This is not your fault but it's not hers either. It's hard to see other people happy with something that isn't coming easily or at all to you. It sounds like the points of hurt come around the fact that you found it easier (emotionally) to support her and celebrate her children but she has found it more difficult or the timing is such that she has been less celebratory of yours, either because she had fertility issues or because she had her own new babies. I don't think she's trying to hurt you at all but she just has other stuff going on which means she isn't living up to perhaps your experience with her and your first child (which with another three around is perhaps understandable). I hope you can put some of this aside and as your children both grow that you can find a place that you're both happy with. Perhaps for now though, remember how hard a baby is and both give you and her some slack.

 

[MakeDamnSure]

Yes I can totally relate to how you’re feeling. My last 3-4 months of maternity leave were spent in lockdown by myself as my husband was a key worker with only 1 walk a day to look forward to! You missed out on all the things which you would normally take for granted like even just going to the park. My baby was 1 before he had even gone on a swing .
My family do not have the same bond with my second as they did/do have with my first and that upsets me but it’s no one’s fault. He didn’t feel comfortable around them as they were strangers to him and that was hard for my family too as everytime they would try and hug him he would get extremely upset.
Have you tried talking to your sister about how you felt when she last visited? She may not realise how you felt and she may make more of an effort in future? Sounds like you have both had a really hard time over the last few years.

 

[JEndontgetoutmuch]

My kids are 15, 11,11. I always felt robbed with another pregnancy because I had twins. I always knew I wanted 3 kids. Some would say, bet you’re glad you got it out the way. But I wasn’t. Then In 2021 I fell pregnant again. But husband didn’t want another baby. We had booked him for the snip. But it kind of just happened. So we agreed a termination. But I’d never admit this to him. But Im
Still devastated about it. That was my last chance to be a mum of a newborn again.
I’m 37.

 

[Chocolate2008]

It sounds like your sister probably has in the past had a lot of complicated feelings around your kids before she had her own due to her own difficulties. This is not your fault but it's not hers either. It's hard to see other people happy with something that isn't coming easily or at all to you. It sounds like the points of hurt come around the fact that you found it easier (emotionally) to support her and celebrate her children but she has found it more difficult or the timing is such that she has been less celebratory of yours, either because she had fertility issues or because she had her own new babies. I don't think she's trying to hurt you at all but she just has other stuff going on which means she isn't living up to perhaps your experience with her and your first child (which with another three around is perhaps understandable). I hope you can put some of this aside and as your children both grow that you can find a place that you're both happy with. Perhaps for now though, remember how hard a baby is and both give you and her some slack.

I expect that as our kids get older the emotion will fade.
I was hugely supportive and sensitive around the time of my sister having fertility issues. I think her feelings at the time were understandable.
But I am hurt about what happened during Covid and how after giving her all that support she took a situation around Covid and blew it into a huge issue even after my son had a negative PCR.

Yes I can totally relate to how you’re feeling. My last 3-4 months of maternity leave were spent in lockdown by myself as my husband was a key worker with only 1 walk a day to look forward to! You missed out on all the things which you would normally take for granted like even just going to the park. My baby was 1 before he had even gone on a swing .
My family do not have the same bond with my second as they did/do have with my first and that upsets me but it’s no one’s fault. He didn’t feel comfortable around them as they were strangers to him and that was hard for my family too as everytime they would try and hug him he would get extremely upset.
Have you tried talking to your sister about how you felt when she last visited? She may not realise how you felt and she may make more of an effort in future? Sounds like you have both had a really hard time over the last few years.

We had a huge row by text (always a bad idea). She has had a hard time over the last few years but so have I. I know I sound like a petty witch, but that’s the bit I struggle with - I think my sister has a hard time seeing that I had struggles to. I saw my sister yesterday surrounded by people out in the sunshine with her baby & toddler & I think back to my days in Covid when apart from the kids I was totally alone.
I really struggle to forgive my sister for how judgemental she was towards me over my son having a cough. The first time she meet my daughter I popped into my Mums house (my son didn’t have a cough at that stage) where my sister was staying and my sister told me I should have asked her consent to do that. My sister has taken quite a number of Covid risks herself, so I was really hurt that she had to kick up such a fuss about meeting my daughter.
Now I’m expected to listen to how hard it is for her when she didn’t show me a shred of empathy when my kids were sick which felt 24/7 at one point.

My kids are 15, 11,11. I always felt robbed with another pregnancy because I had twins. I always knew I wanted 3 kids. Some would say, bet you’re glad you got it out the way. But I wasn’t. Then In 2021 I fell pregnant again. But husband didn’t want another baby. We had booked him for the snip. But it kind of just happened. So we agreed a termination. But I’d never admit this to him. But Im
Still devastated about it. That was my last chance to be a mum of a newborn again.
I’m 37.

Ah I’m really sorry, that’s so hard.
My friend has twins on her second. Like you she wanted to have three pregnancies. She went onto have a fourth child but her husband didn’t want one which is difficult as while I’ve no doubt he loves his kids, I do wonder if you pressure someone into having a baby if they’d resent you and what the impact on your relationship might be. He is the main breadwinner and she often gives out about him not doing stuff around the house. I do wonder if he ever feels - you do it, you wanted the fourth kid. Random story but I suppose I’m telling it to show everything has another side (which I’m sure you know).
I’m so sorry, grief is such a difficult thing.

 

[LittleMy]

I think it’s a very normal feeling (especially if you’re done having children). My two boys are about to turn 7 and 5 in the coming weeks and I find myself looking back at their baby pictures and videos a lot more lately, feeling so sad that I probably won’t have any more babies. I just loved that stage so much even although it was very tough at times, but I agree there’s also joy to be had in them growing up and developing their personalities. It’s bittersweet. 🥲

 

[Chocolate2008]

I think it’s a very normal feeling (especially if you’re done having children). My two boys are about to turn 7 and 5 in the coming weeks and I find myself looking back at their baby pictures and videos a lot more lately, feeling so sad that I probably won’t have any more babies. I just loved that stage so much even although it was very tough at times, but I agree there’s also joy to be had in them growing up and developing their personalities. It’s bittersweet. 🥲

Ah! Thanks for replying!
There is the temptation to have another baby. Realistically I can’t afford one! I read something once that resonated with me - I don’t want another baby I just want my own babies back!

 

[justhavinganoseynow]

Mine are 13, 10 and 8 so I know how fast they grow up! I don’t think it’s just covid that makes the baby time a blur (I barely remember my 2nd or 3rd being babies as I had to work from 3 and 4 months) life just goes so so fast especially when you’ve got other children to care for!

The family thing is also hard. I was the first in my family to have babies… I had my 3 in 5 years (from age 21) and everyone else was still young uninterested and partying without me. Now all the cousins have got babies (5 and under) and my kids are too big for them so again we’re out on the sidelines whilst they all have big get togethers with their Little ones.

My perspective now is my kids only need to care about what me and their dad do with/ for them and how interested we are. That doesn’t stop me crying on all their birthdays when they don’t even get a card or text off the extended family mind x

 

[Chocolate2008]

Mine are 13, 10 and 8 so I know how fast they grow up! I don’t think it’s just covid that makes the baby time a blur (I barely remember my 2nd or 3rd being babies as I had to work from 3 and 4 months) life just goes so so fast especially when you’ve got other children to care for!

The family thing is also hard. I was the first in my family to have babies… I had my 3 in 5 years (from age 21) and everyone else was still young uninterested and partying without me. Now all the cousins have got babies (5 and under) and my kids are too big for them so again we’re out on the sidelines whilst they all have big get togethers with their Little ones.

My perspective now is my kids only need to care about what me and their dad do with/ for them and how interested we are. That doesn’t stop me crying on all their birthdays when they don’t even get a card or text off the extended family mind x

Thanks for replying. I agree I don’t think it was just Covid, life flies by.

I think you have a healthy perspective. I also understand why you find the lack of interest in your kids upsetting. My husband’s family are the opposite. They had one child between them for years - he’s like our cult leader! My husband and his brother went onto have two kids each, his nephew is now 12 and happy to say he‘a still our cult leader!
I distinctly remember him turning 8, it was a Tuesday and we all dropped in to do cake & presents after work and he was so chuffed even though he couldn’t express it! He said to his mum he didn’t think anyone would come on a Tuesday.

I don’t know what it is about families but the dynamic in my husband’s family just seems to flow more easily, I don’t know if that’s because he has 3 siblings or that his sister is happy to play host or what but all the kids get attention and when his sister who couldn’t have kids recently had a big birthday we had a kid free party with the 12 year old playing waiter so she didn’t have to subjected to a crèche on her birthday.

I only have my sister and she feel we get on best when I go out of my way to do stuff for her. Like most families we have history, she was sick as a teenager and my needs understandably came second but I feel that dynamic has never shifted years later. I run around after her & make a fuss & she’s happy. If it’s not about her she’s not really interested.

 

[CherryBakewell]

My son is two and my husband and I have agreed we are one and done. Pregnancy was not easy on me, I was constantly sick and developed preeclampsia so it’s not something I want to go through again. My son was born in June 2020 and honestly the first year or so was really traumatic. We had no baby groups so I couldn’t meet any mum friends (still don’t have any), my son was a nightmare sleeper and my husband worked abroad 90% of the time. Throw in some family drama and it was a really horrible, lonely and honestly soul destroying time in my life. Anyway, it still breaks my heart that I never got to enjoy the newborn and baby stage, it’s mostly been blacked out to be honest. I have no desire to go back to the baby days or have another but my god, it destroys me that I pretty much hated the first 18 months of my sons life.
Sorry if this is totally off the topic!

 

[LittleMy]

My son is two and my husband and I have agreed we are one and done. Pregnancy was not easy on me, I was constantly sick and developed preeclampsia so it’s not something I want to go through again. My son was born in June 2020 and honestly the first year or so was really traumatic. We had no baby groups so I couldn’t meet any mum friends (still don’t have any), my son was a nightmare sleeper and my husband worked abroad 90% of the time. Throw in some family drama and it was a really horrible, lonely and honestly soul destroying time in my life. Anyway, it still breaks my heart that I never got to enjoy the newborn and baby stage, it’s mostly been blacked out to be honest. I have no desire to go back to the baby days or have another but my god, it destroys me that I pretty much hated the first 18 months of my sons life.
Sorry if this is totally off the topic!

It couldn’t have been easy having a newborn during Covid. Our niece was born Feb 2020, we all met her for the first time and then it was lockdown and we couldn’t see her again for ages, by which time she’d grown and changed so much. It was really hard for my sister in law as it was her first baby and not having the support from family members so I really feel for you and understand that sense of being “robbed” of your baby’s first years

 

[Chocolate2008]

My son is two and my husband and I have agreed we are one and done. Pregnancy was not easy on me, I was constantly sick and developed preeclampsia so it’s not something I want to go through again. My son was born in June 2020 and honestly the first year or so was really traumatic. We had no baby groups so I couldn’t meet any mum friends (still don’t have any), my son was a nightmare sleeper and my husband worked abroad 90% of the time. Throw in some family drama and it was a really horrible, lonely and honestly soul destroying time in my life. Anyway, it still breaks my heart that I never got to enjoy the newborn and baby stage, it’s mostly been blacked out to be honest. I have no desire to go back to the baby days or have another but my god, it destroys me that I pretty much hated the first 18 months of my sons life.
Sorry if this is totally off the topic!

Totally on topic. I found having my second in Covid really hard as well but I got to enjoy my first in a non-Covid world and I’m really grateful for that.

Those mum friends are important for you but keep on the lookout - if a random mum struck up a conversation with me in a playground Id be all for it.

 

[CherryBakewell]

It couldn’t have been easy having a newborn during Covid. Our niece was born Feb 2020, we all met her for the first time and then it was lockdown and we couldn’t see her again for ages, by which time she’d grown and changed so much. It was really hard for my sister in law as it was her first baby and not having the support from family members so I really feel for you and understand that sense of being “robbed” of your baby’s first years

Thank you It must have been hard for you not being able to see your niece as well!

Totally on topic. I found having my second in Covid really hard as well but I got to enjoy my first in a non-Covid world and I’m really grateful for that.

Those mum friends are important for you but keep on the lookout - if a random mum struck up a conversation with me in a playground Id be all for it.

Thank you for your kind words! It must have been hard having such different experiences with your children! That’s what I hope happens, I just strike a conversation with someone and it works out but until then, we just plod along!

 

[Kim Mild]

I have 3 kids and my youngest is 2 and a half and I'm glad to be out of the baby years. I'm not having anymore children.

I do feel a bit envious of people when the announce a pregnancy but I think it is the anticipation I miss.

 

[Dipstick]

I have a 4.5 year old and a 2 year old. Covid stole my precious last few months with just one child, as I was isolating during pregnancy and couldn't take them to any of the fun things I wanted to do and soak up those special times. Covid then stole my maternity leave with my second child. It has been a very difficult few years for a number of reasons.
I only ever wanted one child. The second was an accident, which I wasn't actually happy about, until the moment they were born. Yet I now find myself thinking I want a third, when I would never ever have contemplated that before. I don't know if it's me mourning the baby years, grieving for my last chance to have that precious period of maternity, or a genuine desire for another child. My friends are shooting out babies all around me, which probably doesn't help!
I think Covid has the largest part to play; all of my friends who had a baby during covid are mourning what could've/should've been. Although I'm approaching 40, I've decided to stop thinking about it for a while, and see how I feel when my youngest one is a little older. It's making it very difficult to throw out old baby clothes and toys though!

 

[Chocolate2008]

I have a 4.5 year old and a 2 year old. Covid stole my precious last few months with just one child, as I was isolating during pregnancy and couldn't take them to any of the fun things I wanted to do and soak up those special times. Covid then stole my maternity leave with my second child. It has been a very difficult few years for a number of reasons.
I only ever wanted one child. The second was an accident, which I wasn't actually happy about, until the moment they were born. Yet I now find myself thinking I want a third, when I would never ever have contemplated that before. I don't know if it's me mourning the baby years, grieving for my last chance to have that precious period of maternity, or a genuine desire for another child. My friends are shooting out babies all around me, which probably doesn't help!
I think Covid has the largest part to play; all of my friends who had a baby during covid are mourning what could've/should've been. Although I'm approaching 40, I've decided to stop thinking about it for a while, and see how I feel when my youngest one is a little older. It's making it very difficult to throw out old baby clothes and toys though!

My kids are exactly the same age except my first was an accident. I had to put my first in front of TV 24/7 so I could work from home.

I think for all the Covid parents we need to mourn a little bit. I think it can be difficult to as people lost so much more in Covid so I feel guilty with my first world problems. I saw a woman with terminal cancer on Channel 4 news who was spending her last months alone. It was such a horrible time for almost everybody. I know the odd person who was happy enough because they loved working from home & it gave them options they hasn’t had before,

In my own family my mother spent months completely alone and my sister lives abroad. So they are grieving what they lost in Covid but it doesn’t leave any space for me. I don’t mean that to sound really bitter. I really struggle in a family dynamic where I feel my needs consistently come last and i have issues with anger because of it. At the moment my mum keeps saying my sister has such a difficult age gap. I had a similar age gap in full lockdown with no help whereas my sister’s toddler is in nursery and life is pretty close to normal.

I find baby toys, clothes etc hard. I need to get rid of them. I’m constantly falling over stuff I don’t need. I struggle to let go. I read an article where a woman said it helped her when feeling to sad about her kids to get rid of toys but I can’t let go!

 

[Lalalalaaaaaa85]

I’m in a slightly related situation. My child is 3 and I have an older step child so my boyfriend is dead set on being done with babies and it breaks my heart. I would have loved another one and feel like the years are just zooming past and my little one just gets more and more grown up every day. I too get jealous and envious of pregnancy announcements

 

[RunRunRun]

It’s been helpful to read that I’m not alone in my feelings. Thank you all for sharing.

My kids are 6 and 3. After having my first I felt I wanted three but my husband was set on two. He has since been made redundant, I’m the main earner now and we just cannot afford another child. We would need a bigger car for a start, and we would only be able to afford for me to take 3 months maternity leave.

I feel a wave of grief when I think about how I’m never going to have another baby. Which feels so wrong considering I have two healthy children and haven’t lost anything real, just a possibility. My head knows two is enough, that I would struggle to give enough time and energy to a third, but my body tells me differently.

My body feels like it needs to have more babies, I’m convinced it’s a biological thing built in to keep women breeding. Maybe it’s my age (late 30s) and my body is trying to make the most of what is left of my fertility. I really wish I could hold my newborn baby for the first time again and feel that rush of love.