Having a bit of a hard time with ED and I don't want to give too much detail about what I struggle with but it made me think. When people tall about ED and recovery, nobody really talks about the "food noise" and how exhausting it is, do they? I dream more about having absolutely zero thoughts about food and only wondering what to eat when I'm hungry and just forgetting about it until I'm hungry again than I think about anything else. Imagine deciding to eat something and not having constant subtitles inside your head rating it, putting it on a moral scale, warnings attached, and then self soothing and considering... It's just noise, constant noise related to food, what to eat, whether to eat, whether to get rid of food you eat, whether to eat more, less, better, worse... It's relentless, no different than sitting in the middle of a very crowded tube station and being subjected to bits and pieces of conversation hours on end. This is what I envy the most about people who don't have this inner voice constantly talking back. Imagine how relaxing it must be. Even when I'm doing well, there is still that internal noise, drives me mad. I daydream about the day where my meals and snacks and anything I eat will just be a seamless part of the day requiring no extra thought or struggle and a chunk of my mental energy won't be wasted on this maddening loop of self talk.
