Joannabloggs
VIP Member
I think I'm a lone voice (everyone seems much nicer) here but after watching the below video a few days ago and seeing your dilemma I am infuriated.
Regardless of whether you enjoy chores, have high standards, have ocd, your husband needs to pick up the slack as this home is as much his as it is yours and being an adult involves doing things we don't like. Too many women have ended up doing more work in the home as a result of this wfh culture and yes he may be tired from commuting to and from work but an hour is the avg in the uk. Whilst your kids should and can help in the home, this should not be to pick up for the work their dad hasn't done, this should be to ensure that they turn into responsible adults and hopefully can run their own household when they become older. Both of you as parents are setting up unhelpful examples for your children as we should not be normalising gender norms in 2022 where in most households, women are no longer housewives. Would you want this for your daughter?
Speaking from personal experience, my mum became very ill when I was 6, and had to be hospitalised. She was only gone for a week but in that week my dad showed himself to be utterly useless to the point where my mum discharged herself early because she was worried about me and her house. Thank heavens my mum recovered, but it taught my father not to take my mum for granted but also that he needed to get his shit together (apologised profusely to mum) and he is now fully domesticated. I pray you and your family never go through what we did in order to get your husband to show hes invested in the household. He owes it to himself and his children to make sure that if and when you aren't around, the house runs smoothly. Uneven distribution of household work turns into resentment which is cancerous in marriage.
Please also dont diminish yourself by saying you have ocd because you get anxious about his going in the kitchen. Your feelings are valid considering his conduct, and its not fair that you should have a physical reaction to his lack of care. We all do things for our partners which we don't like or understand, and he needs to do this for you to show he cares. OCD is an illness and your husband should be helping to minimise its triggers rather than contributing to them. If you were asthmatic, would it be acceptable for him to smoke indoors?
Rant over.
My advice would be would to get your kids out of the home for an afternoon and sit down with him. Tell him how your feeling and suggest you should each write a list of household chores and how often they need to be done and how long they take and the negative consequences if theyre not done. Give it 3 days to make your lists as it will be hard for him to think on the spot, itll also give time for him to reflect. This discussion will no doubt get heated which is why the kids need to be gone, I would imagine he is conflict avoidant because of your children's precense
Now combine & consolidate both lists and assign each person a task. You will have to compromise as I would presume that your list will be way longer than his so you probably might have to let some things go and assign certain important tasks to yourself eg you was the pots but he washes the plates. If you select 5 main things, hopefully he'll be able to do that rather than expecting him to do multiple things which he won't understand the purpose. As each person does their task it should be signed off, do this for 2 weeks and don't make any comments on his tasks or how he does them. Review together after the 2 weeks and make any changes if necessary. If worse comes to worst and he's unreceptive or not trying I would go on strike for a month
If I come off harsh, it's only because I want your marriage to succeed and for you and your family to all be happy in your home. Wishing you all the best
Regardless of whether you enjoy chores, have high standards, have ocd, your husband needs to pick up the slack as this home is as much his as it is yours and being an adult involves doing things we don't like. Too many women have ended up doing more work in the home as a result of this wfh culture and yes he may be tired from commuting to and from work but an hour is the avg in the uk. Whilst your kids should and can help in the home, this should not be to pick up for the work their dad hasn't done, this should be to ensure that they turn into responsible adults and hopefully can run their own household when they become older. Both of you as parents are setting up unhelpful examples for your children as we should not be normalising gender norms in 2022 where in most households, women are no longer housewives. Would you want this for your daughter?
Speaking from personal experience, my mum became very ill when I was 6, and had to be hospitalised. She was only gone for a week but in that week my dad showed himself to be utterly useless to the point where my mum discharged herself early because she was worried about me and her house. Thank heavens my mum recovered, but it taught my father not to take my mum for granted but also that he needed to get his shit together (apologised profusely to mum) and he is now fully domesticated. I pray you and your family never go through what we did in order to get your husband to show hes invested in the household. He owes it to himself and his children to make sure that if and when you aren't around, the house runs smoothly. Uneven distribution of household work turns into resentment which is cancerous in marriage.
Please also dont diminish yourself by saying you have ocd because you get anxious about his going in the kitchen. Your feelings are valid considering his conduct, and its not fair that you should have a physical reaction to his lack of care. We all do things for our partners which we don't like or understand, and he needs to do this for you to show he cares. OCD is an illness and your husband should be helping to minimise its triggers rather than contributing to them. If you were asthmatic, would it be acceptable for him to smoke indoors?
Rant over.
My advice would be would to get your kids out of the home for an afternoon and sit down with him. Tell him how your feeling and suggest you should each write a list of household chores and how often they need to be done and how long they take and the negative consequences if theyre not done. Give it 3 days to make your lists as it will be hard for him to think on the spot, itll also give time for him to reflect. This discussion will no doubt get heated which is why the kids need to be gone, I would imagine he is conflict avoidant because of your children's precense
Now combine & consolidate both lists and assign each person a task. You will have to compromise as I would presume that your list will be way longer than his so you probably might have to let some things go and assign certain important tasks to yourself eg you was the pots but he washes the plates. If you select 5 main things, hopefully he'll be able to do that rather than expecting him to do multiple things which he won't understand the purpose. As each person does their task it should be signed off, do this for 2 weeks and don't make any comments on his tasks or how he does them. Review together after the 2 weeks and make any changes if necessary. If worse comes to worst and he's unreceptive or not trying I would go on strike for a month
If I come off harsh, it's only because I want your marriage to succeed and for you and your family to all be happy in your home. Wishing you all the best