Domestic chores issue

[Kmacg]

Husband, 42 and I, F34, have been married for 6 months, together for 7 but friends for 16 years. I knew before we got together that his domestic skills were somewhat lacking. I am naturally tidy and organised, so honestly do not mind taking on the majority of the housework, I enjoy it. He works longer, less sociable hours than me. I WFH a lot while he commutes to his job 30mins each way. So i have more 'free time' for household shizz.

But when he does 'help' I get beyond frustrated. Its almost like hes doing a poor job on purpose (some would call it weaponised incompetence). He is very intellegent and has a very logical brain. So how he cant do a simple task like washing the pots is beyond my comprehension. So he must be doing it on purpose? I am aware I probably have high standards, but we are talking washing pots in cold water, only washing the insides of bowls/pans, draining them the wrong way (so they dont drain). If he puts clothes away, he puts our sons clothes in our daughters room and vice versa, like the size difference or gender of clothes isnt obvious. So it takes me more time to go behind him, rewashing pots, resorting washing, reorganising everything than if I had just done it myself. Ive now got the worry of the electric bill for having to wash pots a 2nd time every day. Oh and stupid things like turning off lights when leaving the room or closing the bin lid.

Well its come to a head tonight. I heard him start to do the washing up, without hearing the water being turned on. Hes washing dinner plates in the now cold drained pasta water i poured into the sink while cooking tea. I let him know, gently, that the water is dirty. Hes stormed off. Im close to snapping myself. I think I have OCD and whenever he steps into the kitchen I feel myself getting super anxious. He knows how i feel about keeping things tidy and I have got better in recent years. Ive tried ignoring. Ive tried rationalising. But hes very hard to talk to when being told hes doing something 'wrong' because in his mind he does things the correct way and everyone else is wrong.

Has anyone got any advice on how I can chill the duck out or approach him without it ending in divorce? I could just ban him from any housework I suppose? But thats not very 2022 now is it?

 

[Romy]

Let him do and don't criticise him all the time. It's not pleasant and it will be an excuse for him to do nothing.
But maybe let him do other chores, like the dusting, hoover and so on... things that don't involve washing as he doesn't seem to be good at it. And tell him "love, as you don't enjoy washing blahblah, and you know I am a bit fussy, what do you think about redistributing the chores? It would be better for us...."
How old are the kids? They can do their little chores too, like taking their clothes back to their wardrobe.

 

[lozzapaloozza]

I would suggest focusing on how you react to him instead of what he’s doing wrong because it’s a lot of energy and emotions wasted on things that in the bigger picture aren’t that important. He’s trying and you’ve said yourself you enjoy doing the majority of the work and are quite particular on how you like things done. Not everyone enjoys it. He’s probably exhausted after work. Unfortunately you can’t expect everyone to have as high standards as you. I only know this because I’m pretty certain I have OCD and I’ve had to learn to stop and think before I get angry at my boyfriend for not doing things the way I would. I always stop and tell myself I’m the one who’s not rational because it’s not normal to live in an immaculate show home. It seems to work. I would still talk to him and maybe come to a compromise but at the end of the day arguing about household chores is a waste of time and energy. Hope everything works out xxx

 

[Joannabloggs]

I think I'm a lone voice (everyone seems much nicer) here but after watching the below video a few days ago and seeing your dilemma I am infuriated.



Regardless of whether you enjoy chores, have high standards, have ocd, your husband needs to pick up the slack as this home is as much his as it is yours and being an adult involves doing things we don't like. Too many women have ended up doing more work in the home as a result of this wfh culture and yes he may be tired from commuting to and from work but an hour is the avg in the uk. Whilst your kids should and can help in the home, this should not be to pick up for the work their dad hasn't done, this should be to ensure that they turn into responsible adults and hopefully can run their own household when they become older. Both of you as parents are setting up unhelpful examples for your children as we should not be normalising gender norms in 2022 where in most households, women are no longer housewives. Would you want this for your daughter?

Speaking from personal experience, my mum became very ill when I was 6, and had to be hospitalised. She was only gone for a week but in that week my dad showed himself to be utterly useless to the point where my mum discharged herself early because she was worried about me and her house. Thank heavens my mum recovered, but it taught my father not to take my mum for granted but also that he needed to get his tit together (apologised profusely to mum) and he is now fully domesticated. I pray you and your family never go through what we did in order to get your husband to show hes invested in the household. He owes it to himself and his children to make sure that if and when you aren't around, the house runs smoothly. Uneven distribution of household work turns into resentment which is cancerous in marriage.

Please also dont diminish yourself by saying you have ocd because you get anxious about his going in the kitchen. Your feelings are valid considering his conduct, and its not fair that you should have a physical reaction to his lack of care. We all do things for our partners which we don't like or understand, and he needs to do this for you to show he cares. OCD is an illness and your husband should be helping to minimise its triggers rather than contributing to them. If you were asthmatic, would it be acceptable for him to smoke indoors?

Rant over.

My advice would be would to get your kids out of the home for an afternoon and sit down with him. Tell him how your feeling and suggest you should each write a list of household chores and how often they need to be done and how long they take and the negative consequences if theyre not done. Give it 3 days to make your lists as it will be hard for him to think on the spot, itll also give time for him to reflect. This discussion will no doubt get heated which is why the kids need to be gone, I would imagine he is conflict avoidant because of your children's precense

Now combine & consolidate both lists and assign each person a task. You will have to compromise as I would presume that your list will be way longer than his so you probably might have to let some things go and assign certain important tasks to yourself eg you was the pots but he washes the plates. If you select 5 main things, hopefully he'll be able to do that rather than expecting him to do multiple things which he won't understand the purpose. As each person does their task it should be signed off, do this for 2 weeks and don't make any comments on his tasks or how he does them. Review together after the 2 weeks and make any changes if necessary. If worse comes to worst and he's unreceptive or not trying I would go on strike for a month

If I come off harsh, it's only because I want your marriage to succeed and for you and your family to all be happy in your home. Wishing you all the best

 

[shadowcat5]

i don't think it's a symptom of OCD or a high standard not to want your pans washed in dirty water! A kid could figure that out. It sounds like he´s doing it on purpose. Do you think you could do things together? maybe arrange a designated time of like okay from x-y time (say 1 hour) everyone in the house who's old enough and able helps. That way it feels fair cause everyone (including the kids!) are chipping in at the exact same time.

 

[Codiaeum]

( I love TFD! Highly rate Chelsea's rants!)

I don't think you're unreasonable or that you even may of OCD - it is perfectly normal to expect an adult person to figure out that you can't wash pots and pants in the drained water of what was cooking in it. Sorry, but it does sound intentional to me to do that.
It's cool that nobody enjoys doing all the chores, but your husband needs to pull his weight, otherwise he's behaving like a petulant toddler refusing to eat the veggies. I like the idea of a list proposed above - surely there must be something that he can do that won't make your life harder? E.g. hoovering, making the beds, sorting laundry, tidying up the rooms at least to mind sound less "dangerous".

 

[Justreading]

I would try and redirect him to do the chores that he's not so useless at.
My husband tried getting involved in the washing, and would put every single thing in the tumble dryer, wooly jumpers, gym wear, delicates etc. I tried telling him nicely, I lost my tit, and everything in between. Then were was a time he dried a load of dirty washing because he didn't know if it was washed or not. So I took that task off him!

Now his tasks are dishwasher, kitchen clean up, hoovering, things that he can do. And I stick to the things that would previously cause us arguments.
He hasn't necessarily noticed, I've just shifted to "if you do X, I'll do Y and Z" and it works.
Another thing I would try and do and have done is teach him through my kids. Depending on their age obviously, but there's no harm in very loudly telling the kids how to do jobs your way so that hubby hears and doesn't feel like he's being taught to suck eggs.

Unfortunately men are just wired differently to us. It's not OCD or high standards, it's just doing things efficiently!

 

[Caughtredhanded]

I can relate to so so much on here, from the thinking they/he does it on purpose to the being “ocd” about cleaning.

When my other half cleans a mirror it’s like he has smeared grease all over it and he is just ever so proud of his handiwork

I agree with person who said they are just wired differently, but it’s so frustrating!

 

[Kmacg]

Thank you everyone for your advice. Its nice to see it from different perspectives.

He actually messaged me and asked for us to have a talk without the kids there, so I will try to get my feelings across.

 

[Clickbait]

@Kmacg I feel your pain and have a similar issue with my partner as I’m sure a lot of women do. I am not remotely OCD, I do not enjoy cleaning and my standards are not too high - I just understand the basic principles of the household tasks like washing up should be clean after it’s done, it’s hard to clean things and keep them clean if the sink you’re washing them up in is dirty and the draining board you’re putting clean washing on is too.

I’ve recently had a baby so there is less time to do housework and arguably more need to keep the house clean. I’ll re-read some of the advice that’s been given here for my own situation and I hope you find a positive resolution for your issues.

@Joannabloggs - I just wanted to say how much I appreciated your post. I never wanted to become one of those women who falls into the traditional stereotype of looking after the home, but it’s happened because I’ve allowed my partner way too much leeway to get away with doing less than he should. He’s even admitted he should do more and holds back because he knows I’ll step in. I think it’s time to reset this scenario!

 

[Rxt156]

Annoys me that men are so useless at household jobs ‍. It seems an issue with everyone not just your partner. It does sound like he’s doing it on purpose. Dirty water to wash plates? Unless he’s got some other issue going on and just doesn’t get it?! I dunno… create a list of things he can do that aren’t as big a deal if he gets them wrong eg vacuuming? I’d probably just have a chat and say are you an idiot? Am I your mother? Sort it out.
CBA with men like this… hope you find a solution

 

[penny1992]

Lmao I feel like I got lucky reading this thread. My husband is great at cleaning, maybe even more particular than me.

 

[Rxt156]

Lmao I feel like I got lucky reading this thread. My husband is great at cleaning, maybe even more particular than me.

I don’t think this is helpful

 

[Joannabloggs]

@Kmacg I feel your pain and have a similar issue with my partner as I’m sure a lot of women do. I am not remotely OCD, I do not enjoy cleaning and my standards are not too high - I just understand the basic principles of the household tasks like washing up should be clean after it’s done, it’s hard to clean things and keep them clean if the sink you’re washing them up in is dirty and the draining board you’re putting clean washing on is too.

I’ve recently had a baby so there is less time to do housework and arguably more need to keep the house clean. I’ll re-read some of the advice that’s been given here for my own situation and I hope you find a positive resolution for your issues.

@Joannabloggs - I just wanted to say how much I appreciated your post. I never wanted to become one of those women who falls into the traditional stereotype of looking after the home, but it’s happened because I’ve allowed my partner way too much leeway to get away with doing less than he should. He’s even admitted he should do more and holds back because he knows I’ll step in. I think it’s time to reset this scenario!

Sorry to hear your struggling. If you can afford it, I would reccommend getting a cleaner in for the first 6 weeks of birth whilst your finding your feet. If not If when friends and family come, get them to help with the basic, remember it takes a village and you and your partner shouldn't feel bad for getting help. The fact that he knows he can do more is a start amd and least your baby is young so you can establish better habits from the start, itll get harder to do this as baby gets older, you go back to work.

Annoys me that men are so useless at household jobs ‍. It seems an issue with everyone not just your partner. It does sound like he’s doing it on purpose. Dirty water to wash plates? Unless he’s got some other issue going on and just doesn’t get it?! I dunno… create a list of things he can do that aren’t as big a deal if he gets them wrong eg vacuuming? I’d probably just have a chat and say are you an idiot? Am I your mother? Sort it out.
CBA with men like this… hope you find a solution

I disagree that its all men. My FIL (70yo) is very domesticated, cooks most of the meals (does xmas dinner all by himself), cleans the house, despite him still working and his wife being retired. As a result his sons are very good at running their homes and I'm grateful for my OH at having such a great example of a man who who can get tit done. Furthermore whenI think about my friends with husbands and kids as well as my elder male cousins, I also see them to be doing their fair share of childcare and domestic work. My friends are very outspoken and i just cannot see them accepting a partner who doesnt do his fair share.

I think in life, a lot of the time you get what you accept but not necessarily what you deserve. There are certain things about my bf that annoyed me at the start of my relationship, but I addressed them early enough so as not to let it fester and become an issue. Fingers crossed by the time I have kids, there will still be relative domestic bliss

 

[OnlyHereForTheLolz]

I do the majority of the chores but I do work less hours. My partner also does not clean to my standards but I know he's trying and that my standards are high. I am also particular about my our kitchen so prefer doing everything in there.
So what I do is give him the chores he is best at or that drives me nuts, like mopping. And this works for us.
Also as others have said sometimes it's in the way you approach it. If he is analytical then print out a document to show that dishes needs to be washed in warm soapy water as this is the most hygienic and safe for the children

 

[newtoyou]

I would love to know if men are genuinely psychologically less capable of cleaning to a decent standard. Or if it’s just society over time making them lazy.

Surely if they can learn work skills, or how to play video games, they can learn how to clean something correctly.

 

[Rxt156]

I would love to know if men are genuinely psychologically less capable of cleaning to a decent standard. Or if it’s just society over time making them lazy.

Surely if they can learn work skills, or how to play video games, they can learn how to clean something correctly.

Agree. I think they just don’t care as much as females do ‍.

 

[Romy]

I would love to know if men are genuinely psychologically less capable of cleaning to a decent standard. Or if it’s just society over time making them lazy.

Surely if they can learn work skills, or how to play video games, they can learn how to clean something correctly.

It's just an education problem obviously.

Agree. I think they just don’t care as much as females do ‍.

It has nothing to do with the gender. I know plenty of men who are very keen on hygiene, cleaning, but are just used to the women doing it at home.
And women who just don't care about having a tidy house.

 

[Rxt156]

It has nothing to do with the gender. I know plenty of men who are very keen on hygiene, cleaning, but are just used to the women doing it at home.
And women who just don't care about having a tidy house.

Of course it is to do with gender.

Women have historically been the ones to do the housework whilst men go off to work. Now women go to work and still do most of the cleaning too.

 

[Romy]

Of course it is to do with gender.

Women have historically been the ones to do the housework whilst men go off to work. Now women go to work and still do most of the cleaning too.

Absolutely but because it's how we are educated or the model we see around us. It's not a biological thing. Women are not born with the housework gene.