Do you tell your possibly homosexual child that their dad is homophobic?

[rainbowhouse]

Ex husband and all his family are extremely homophobic. They are vocal about this if they see it … in an immature, snide, disgusted kind of way, rather than a punch them in the face kind of way.

Teenage son is still very immature when it comes to anything related to even seeing someone kissing, and hasn’t “come out” but I think (and his pastoral support who have been involved for other issues) he is emerging as either bi-sexual or homosexual. He’s mid Secondary School age and has had simple school type “romances” with both boys and girls, which is generally barely more than text conversations and the odd walk home from school.

DS attends court ordered contact for a day a fortnight, not so much forced anymore, but definitely more out of routine than love.

Having a grown up conversation with ex is out of the question, he won’t even reply to a text.

So do I tell son that this is how that side of the family will react, or wait until he finds out for himself? I feel like even starting this conversation will imply to my son that there is something wrong with his choices. But I don’t want his dad to see him messaging a boy or something, and react badly while son is at his house. Either way, I’m so worried about what this will do to his self esteem and confidence.

I suppose it’s also possible that son has seen some of this behaviour already, which is just going to complicate any decision making that my son does, but I’m not sure I can do anything about that, although this worries me too.

I don’t know. I just don’t want to cause any lasting damage by dealing with this in the wrong way. Parenting teens is tough!

 

[rasberry spoons]

So sorry as I have no advice, I pray everything goes well for you and your son, I hope he doesn’t suffer any rejection from dad and family. From personal experience my boy best friend was gay, he didn’t come out for years even though everyone knew he was gay, he was worried about his dad who was a big body builder openly homophobic cockney guy, once bf told him about his sexuality and laughed and said ‘did you really think none of us knew?!’ And has been the most supportive guy since, he has spoken about he regrets talking like that as he was clearly uneducated

 

[Catlady1]

I hope you don’t mind but we’ve had a little discussion about your dilemma in our house. My son is 20 and he is not gay but he has had emotional and social difficulties because he has mild autism. We both think honesty from you would be the best policy. Just explain what he might face in the simplest of terms and that he will have to tell his dad one day. He may or may not accept he is his son no matter what or it may be more difficult. Everything about that is your sons choice. He’s got you no matter what. Neither you nor you son can change his Dad. It is what it is.

 

[Snippysnips]

He's still young an still exploring, id be honest with him an let him know in a mild way that his dad an family aren't exactly kind to it but make sure that he has all the support an love at home with you, an if he does come out then it's completely fine, I wouldn't go too far into it with his dad as really your son needs to decide for himself how to feel an what to do if he does indeed want a same sex relationship, so maybe just keep it light an explain to him an then let him decide, that way he's at least prepared with his dad

 

[Kim Mild]

Is it possible your son has already heard the things his dad says about gay people? A passing comment could have stuck.

 

[rainbowhouse]

This is what I’m worried about, but he only spends limited time with him and they don’t go out or see anyone else during that time. There’s tv and games I suppose but I do think he’s possibly not been exposed to this yet. It’s one thing saying things with a room of grown ups but it would be a bit weird to make comments like that in front of a child (I hope!)

 

[Danica Catrick]

Unfortunately I suspect your son has already been exposed to his dad's homophobia despite the limited contact. I say this as someone who looks back and cringes at some of the things my homophobic family said about celebrities, tv shows etc when I was a child. I'm not gay, and can only imagine how much worse it was for my sibling who is.

My advice would be to not worry too much about your ex and concentrate on making sure your son knows he has one parent who supports him regardless of his sexuality.

 

[HumptyDumptyLou]

My son didn’t come out until he was 23 and I believe a lot of why is because of how his father’s side of the family would/might react. He told me but it wasn’t a surprise as I had thought this since he was a child but didn’t want to bring it up in case he wasn’t.

He told his dad a week or so later and his father didn’t believe him. He said “you don’t present as gay” because his dad thinks all gay men are flaming and camp like comedies and movies from around the 70’s. The next thing he said to son was “don’t tell your uncle” cos he’s very homophobic. Son knew that already and all that’s happened since then is he’s increasingly not reaching out to his dad.

I wish your son all the strength when he’s ready to deal with his father and the rest of that family but I know that he’s lucky to have you in his corner.

 

[Welshgal]

Perhaps you could beginn by dropping into a conversation that you will love and support him now matter his life choices (keep it general so he doesn't feel "caught" if he's not out yet) and then continue by saying that some people, like that side of the family, won't always be that supportive but it is not because he's done something bad but simply because they're assholes.
Like give him a few hints and make him know you'll always be by his side without being so blunt, if you know what I mean?

 

[rainbowhouse]

Definitely, and this is exactly what I have been doing. It’s been an area he’s struggled with for a while, as he does present in some of the clichéd type ways, and so was bullied for being gay long before it was ever a consideration for him. So I’ve always been very much, I love you whatever and we’ve embraced his ways and laughed together when appropriate.

He’s been spending a lot of time with one boy so I’ve even popped in the odd lighthearted comment using the word boyfriend, not teasing as such, but in the same way as I would say boyfriend to his sister about someone she’s texting a lot or whatever, so he knows I think the same either way. Like so if he used the word boyfriend, it wouldn’t be a big deal.

Oddly enough, son has refused to see his dad since I wrote this post and it does make me wonder if it’s connected. I never even considered TV programmes, I just thought, well they never go out so he won’t have been exposed to his attitude.