Demoting a bridesmaid

[Elisha97]

Good lord, there are so many reasons here why she shouldn’t be bridesmaid - or even just your friend or acquaintance tbh (and definitely not best friend)

And please tell me you didn’t actually become her guarantor?!

It’s made me reflect a lot!
I didn’t become guarantor and just said I wasn’t in the position to be able to do so, which might even be where the frostiness has come in

My friend demoted a bridesmaid and they don’t talk now so that’s what will happen which could be a good thing
I wish I hadn’t bothered asking my friend to be bridesmaid she didn’t and never wishes me happy birthday and also been a bit shit and patronising.
After our wedding I’m not making any effort with her and tbh she’s not a close friend anymore.

personally I would bite your lip and let her be bridesmaid and then after the wedding just make no effort

Unfortunately some friends are just not forever

sorry to hear that! Part of me thinks just leaving it a bit and not mentioning it and then letting the friendship fizzle out might be the way to go but I supposeit depends if you would still have them as a normal guest

 

[plonkington]

I think you should cut it off friendship wise, it does t sound much of one! If you do decide to keep her as bridesmaid have her at the end of your photo lineups so you can physically cut her out of the pictures if needs be down the line
Good luck either way and I hope you have a great wedding!

 

[orla1989]

I would definitely not have her as bridesmaid. I hate difficult conversations too but personally I’d be worrying about how this cow would behave on the day, and the money I’d spend on her, only to never talk to her again after wedding, and the cow is in all my wedding photos? So not worth any hassle, as the saying goes “ she’d only be laughing at ya” if you still let her be bridesmaid.
No need for any meeting up. Quick text saying no thanks I don’t need you as a bridesmaid and ignore any replies! Honestly much better than having that ungrateful witch around you on you and your partners special day.
Best of luck, let us know how it pans out

 

[Elisha97]

Jesus who rattled your cage?!!!! The OP isn’t being a bridezilla here - I’d be the first to call her out if she was. Her “friend” didn’t forget her birthday - she knew fine well, she just deliberately ignored it. She’s just that type of selfish, using bitch. Yes, weddings are mostly important to the couple - but Jesus Christ if you AGREE to be a part of someone’s wedding you at least make some effort to engage in the preparations.

Thank you!

i’ve been really laid back about planning actually, if I’d have been really demanding and been like I want this this and this I’d have understood it I’ve said to all the girls we’ll just pick a colour and then you can have whatever style dress you like in the colour, your hair and makeup how you want it and you can have it professionally done or just do your own. All I needed was her to be happy with what I’d booked and then let me know if she wanted things as it would change the time scale of getting ready, cost and deposits and that.

it’s like the girl did a total 180, begged to be involved when I’d have included her on my good friend tier when I got engaged (she was really pally for a bit and I would have said she was my best friend- I have quite a few really good friends) and then she’s acted oddly since. It’s almost like now I actually have a wedding date she doesn’t like it!

Do what's right for you. I wish I did! I'm married 11 years I had five bridesmaids two of which I had major red flags about, both made no effort regarding the wedding or hens etc, but I let it go and now I really wish I said something. I have barely see either since the day of my wedding, it puts me off looking at my groups wedding photos and wedding video tbh

Thank you! My bridesmaids I love dearly but this one is a newer friend that’s really quite pushy. I’d say at one point we were genuine best friends but she’s been doing things that give me red flags for about a year now. It’s something I need to think about

 

[Elisha97]

If you fall out after the wedding would you want her in your photos though? I know some people just can’t bear any confrontation but…not for me I’d have the convo pre wedding, besides if she’s being this much of a cow to you now then god only knows how she might behave at the wedding itself!

that is true. I think it’s maybe too short a time now to let the friendship just fizzle so I might have to just say something

 

[Elisha97]

I think you should cut it off friendship wise, it does t sound much of one! If you do decide to keep her as bridesmaid have her at the end of your photo lineups so you can physically cut her out of the pictures if needs be down the line
Good luck either way and I hope you have a great wedding!

Thank you so much!! I think it’s a difficult one but I’m going to say I’ve had budget cuts!

The wedding/bridesmaid is the red herring here
It’s the friendship which is the issue, or lack of it.
Personally I wouldn’t waste my time trying to explain to her why you are upset. She’s an adult, her behaviour isn’t going to change because it’s not just one major hurtful incident
I wouldn’t waste my energy demoting her all you need to do is have a game plan…..after the wedding let the friendship fizzle
No drama
No argument
Just stop trying
My wedding is in December after that she’s absolutely no where on my list of friendship or effort.
I also can’t stand her behaviour when it comes to men and relationships
I just can’t align with her
She’s forever dating the wrong guys who treat her so badly and even when they dump or ghost her she insists on keeping in contact, sleeping with them or sending them presents
It’s such drama
She’s always crying over them even though she refuses to take any responsibility
She’s had a fwb for five years hoping he will change his mind, she insists on keeping touch with him and the same goes for her last fuck boi
After eight years of friendship we’re no longer on the same page and I find it immature

Thank you so much! A lot of that mirrors my friend to be honest. Always asking advice and taking over everything, yet never ever taking the advice! I think unfortunately sometimes you can mature but the other person doesn’t or grows in a different way

 

[Hairraiser]

I think if I was in this situation, I would sit her down and just say that you’re planning on cutting back on things for the big day. One being reducing bridesmaids.
you could involve her in another way ? If you haven’t already picked a witness, could she do that? That’s minimal effort, and you’re involving her in the wedding which she begged for.
she sounds quite needy In my opinion.
You also don’t want the hassle & drama before your big day, so if that was me, I’d demote her but promote her in something else?
I also had two of my friends who aren’t close friends do a reading, so I found some readings in a poem book and they read them out during the ceremony. They were really pleased to be involved in the day but didn’t have a huge involvement if you know what I mean!

I hope you can come to a happy medium all around and you can enjoy your special day! The world has been shitty enough the last few years so it would be nice for you to finally enjoy a lovely day to remember and make memories.

 

[Elisha97]

I think if I was in this situation, I would sit her down and just say that you’re planning on cutting back on things for the big day. One being reducing bridesmaids.
you could involve her in another way ? If you haven’t already picked a witness, could she do that? That’s minimal effort, and you’re involving her in the wedding which she begged for.
she sounds quite needy In my opinion.
You also don’t want the hassle & drama before your big day, so if that was me, I’d demote her but promote her in something else?
I also had two of my friends who aren’t close friends do a reading, so I found some readings in a poem book and they read them out during the ceremony. They were really pleased to be involved in the day but didn’t have a huge involvement if you know what I mean!

I hope you can come to a happy medium all around and you can enjoy your special day! The world has been shitty enough the last few years so it would be nice for you to finally enjoy a lovely day to remember and make memories.

that’s a good idea. When I’ve been talking about the wedding, I’ve always been open that we are keeping it quite small as it’s really expensive to get married here!

Being a witness is a good idea actually, thank you!

it’s just stressing me out a bit that I might be let down or have last minute stress. I’m very low key and I like to just pick something everyone likes and go with that. Plus I’m worried that this might not be a long term friendship given the signs that are cropping up now

 

[Elisha97]

When I got married my then best friend at the time was going to be my MOH, it was a small wedding and she was actually going to be the only adult bridesmaid, so as long as the dress matched our colour scheme there wasn’t too much stress on the shape or price, and we’d offered to pay for her hair and makeup but she was disinterested everytime I bought the conversation up or planning to go out together to look for something. It was months of this and she always made excuses.

It got to just over a month left before our big day and I just messaged her and said she either needs to sort something out over the weekend or not come. Looking back it does make me feel a little bit like a bridezilla but there was plenty of time before this and she just kept making excuses. She was making things stressful both for me and my partner because we had everything else organised and sorted.

Yes we did fall out and stopped talking after this but it was so much stress lifted from planning what is meant to be one of the best days. She did reach out to me a few years after to apologise but we were never really friends again.

you might be able to avoid losing her as a friend if you use the budget cut reason but also it doesn’t sound like she’s a great friend anyway

Ahh that’s really sad.

i get weddings aren’t everyone’s cup of tea and apart from the couple, not everyone is going to have a huge level of interest but personally I’d be so excited for my friends and so honoured to be asked too. I can’t complain much as most of mine have been amazing, I know I didn’t have much to test them with but they’ve replied right away and suggested ideas and said yes or no to things right away and it was just so easy.

i know some would think I’m being petty but I think it’s a big reflection of the overall friendship and you’ve got to look at things

 

[cococookie]

I regret having one of my friends as a bridesmaid. She acted the same, zero interest in the wedding and me in general. I confronted her and said if she wanted to just be a guest and wear her own thing etc then that would be fine, and one less for me to pay for hair and makeup. She insisted she did. The last time I spoke to her was my wedding day 5 years ago she’s totally ghosted me since then. Weddings seem to bring out the worst in people, I would get rid, I wish I had

I’m not married but I’ve read soo many stories like this and I always wonder why this happens? I wonder if it’s a jealousy thing?

 

[Elisha97]

I've never been bridesmaid/MOH for someone and found it 'boring for me' or not been excited or wanted to be involved. What a weird, selfish attitude. If someone considers you close enough to be part of their wedding party and you feel that way about it...just say no and let them pick someone less bloody miserable

my thoughts exactly!

 

[Elisha97]

I’m not married but I’ve read soo many stories like this and I always wonder why this happens? I wonder if it’s a jealousy thing?

it baffles me, I don’t know if they just want the attention of being a bridesmaid?

 

[Mycatoliver]

I just don't understand why you'd rather pay to have this person be a bridesmaid at your wedding and in all your photos for the rest of your life to avoid having a conversation with her now? There doesn't need to be an argument, just send one text then mute her and it's done. December is a way off yet, that's a while to still be worrying about this

Because that’s my decison
That’s how I have decided to handle it and I have responded to the initial advice with my own experience
You don’t have to like it or agree but I prefer not to have an argument and besides it’s all sorted now in terms of the dress I’ve bought her
Apart from the hair on the day that’s it
I’m not worried about it I’ve just decided that next year is a new leaf and that I won’t be making the extra effort I normally do with her and by that logic our friendship will prob fizzle
Some friends are for life others you grow out of

 

[Mycatoliver]

I know it's your decision - it's just quite an immature way to go about things as an adult, which is why I asked - but hey ho

How is that immature?

Im not looking for a bun fight from you, I was just giving the poster my experience of how I handle it
It’s not immature
It is actually not harming anyone