Demoting a bridesmaid

[Punchface]

Good lord, there are so many reasons here why she shouldn’t be bridesmaid - or even just your friend or acquaintance tbh (and definitely not best friend)

And please tell me you didn’t actually become her guarantor?!

 

[judgejohndeed]

If you fall out after the wedding would you want her in your photos though? I know some people just can’t bear any confrontation but…not for me I’d have the convo pre wedding, besides if she’s being this much of a cow to you now then god only knows how she might behave at the wedding itself!

 

[BettyCrockerr]

Just a little reminder that just because people are bridesmaids doesn’t mean they want to be heavily involved. It’s your wedding not theirs. They are allowed to express an opinion on their dress and say no to hair and make up.

Nobody should be expected to be as excited and involved as you are. It’s boring to us and an inconvenience to have to be available to sort plans for months.

Bridesmaid plans don’t need to be anymore complicated that picking a dress and shoes.

Reading it back is just bizarre and petty
She’s either your best friend or she isn’t. She can’t be if she had to guilt you into it in the first place and people have their own lives and worries going on. It’s hardly the end of the world forgetting a birthday. The whole thing sounds ridiculous.

Jesus who rattled your cage?!!!! The OP isn’t being a bridezilla here - I’d be the first to call her out if she was. Her “friend” didn’t forget her birthday - she knew fine well, she just deliberately ignored it. She’s just that type of selfish, using bitch. Yes, weddings are mostly important to the couple - but Jesus Christ if you AGREE to be a part of someone’s wedding you at least make some effort to engage in the preparations.

 

[Elisha97]

Just a little reminder that just because people are bridesmaids doesn’t mean they want to be heavily involved. It’s your wedding not theirs. They are allowed to express an opinion on their dress and say no to hair and make up.

Nobody should be expected to be as excited and involved as you are. It’s boring to us and an inconvenience to have to be available to sort plans for months.

Bridesmaid plans don’t need to be anymore complicated that picking a dress and shoes.

Reading it back is just bizarre and petty
She’s either your best friend or she isn’t. She can’t be if she had to guilt you into it in the first place and people have their own lives and worries going on. It’s hardly the end of the world forgetting a birthday. The whole thing sounds ridiculous.

I don’t think you’ve read any of my post properly.. hence your quite rude reply.

I have a lot of friends which made it hard picking bridesmaids. I ideally wanted 3 to 4 but I couldn’t have some and not others.. this friend as soon as I got engaged begged and begged to be bridesmaid and just told other people she was going to be, so it made it awkward if I was going to tell her actually I’m keeping it really scaled back. This person has insisted they have to be involved but doesn’t like or make easy the most basic parts of being a bridesmaid. All I’ve asked them to do is say yes if they want hair and makeup, told them when we are going to dress shop (well in advance and no messing) and they asked what colour scheme I had so I told them. All other bridesmaids have just said yes, no, done. I’ve not asked any of them to come anywhere or look at my dress with me.

as I said before, her behaviour has just gotten worse and worse since she was asked and she CHOSE to ignore my birthday, she didn’t forget.

 

[judgejohndeed]

I've never been bridesmaid/MOH for someone and found it 'boring for me' or not been excited or wanted to be involved. What a weird, selfish attitude. If someone considers you close enough to be part of their wedding party and you feel that way about it...just say no and let them pick someone less bloody miserable

 

[candyland_]

Just a little reminder that just because people are bridesmaids doesn’t mean they want to be heavily involved. It’s your wedding not theirs. They are allowed to express an opinion on their dress and say no to hair and make up.

Nobody should be expected to be as excited and involved as you are. It’s boring to us and an inconvenience to have to be available to sort plans for months.

Bridesmaid plans don’t need to be anymore complicated that picking a dress and shoes.

Reading it back is just bizarre and petty
She’s either your best friend or she isn’t. She can’t be if she had to guilt you into it in the first place and people have their own lives and worries going on. It’s hardly the end of the world forgetting a birthday. The whole thing sounds ridiculous.

 

[BettyCrockerr]

Demote her from being a bridesmaid but also drop her completely from your life - she isn’t a friend to you at all. Sounds like she just uses you for whatever she needs. She doesn’t respect you or genuinely care about you at all.

 

[JustADiamond]

I regret having one of my friends as a bridesmaid. She acted the same, zero interest in the wedding and me in general. I confronted her and said if she wanted to just be a guest and wear her own thing etc then that would be fine, and one less for me to pay for hair and makeup. She insisted she did. The last time I spoke to her was my wedding day 5 years ago she’s totally ghosted me since then. Weddings seem to bring out the worst in people, I would get rid, I wish I had

 

[judgejohndeed]

How is that immature?

You've just written a big long post of everything you don't like about this woman, and frankly it sounds like you can't stand her, but you'd rather spend money on a dress etc for her, have someone you can't stand in your wedding photos forever, because you're scared to tell her you'd rather she wasn't a bridesmaid? I'm sad for you tbh, sometimes difficult conversations have to be had, it doesn't have to turn into an argument. Your wedding your life though

 

[Stillwater]

If you think it’s boring and can’t muster any joy, do a favour, fuck off out of it.

Drop this twat from your happy day x (and the rest)

 

[Thatirishone]

Do what's right for you. I wish I did! I'm married 11 years I had five bridesmaids two of which I had major red flags about, both made no effort regarding the wedding or hens etc, but I let it go and now I really wish I said something. I have barely see either since the day of my wedding, it puts me off looking at my groups wedding photos and wedding video tbh

 

[judgejohndeed]

The wedding/bridesmaid is the red herring here
It’s the friendship which is the issue, or lack of it.
Personally I wouldn’t waste my time trying to explain to her why you are upset. She’s an adult, her behaviour isn’t going to change because it’s not just one major hurtful incident
I wouldn’t waste my energy demoting her all you need to do is have a game plan…..after the wedding let the friendship fizzle
No drama
No argument
Just stop trying
My wedding is in December after that she’s absolutely no where on my list of friendship or effort.
I also can’t stand her behaviour when it comes to men and relationships
I just can’t align with her
She’s forever dating the wrong guys who treat her so badly and even when they dump or ghost her she insists on keeping in contact, sleeping with them or sending them presents
It’s such drama
She’s always crying over them even though she refuses to take any responsibility
She’s had a fwb for five years hoping he will change his mind, she insists on keeping touch with him and the same goes for her last fuck boi
After eight years of friendship we’re no longer on the same page and I find it immature

I just don't understand why you'd rather pay to have this person be a bridesmaid at your wedding and in all your photos for the rest of your life to avoid having a conversation with her now? There doesn't need to be an argument, just send one text then mute her and it's done. December is a way off yet, that's a while to still be worrying about this

 

[Elisha97]

I regret having one of my friends as a bridesmaid. She acted the same, zero interest in the wedding and me in general. I confronted her and said if she wanted to just be a guest and wear her own thing etc then that would be fine, and one less for me to pay for hair and makeup. She insisted she did. The last time I spoke to her was my wedding day 5 years ago she’s totally ghosted me since then. Weddings seem to bring out the worst in people, I would get rid, I wish I had

that’s really odd, why on earth did she not just drop out? What a bloody waste considering how expensive it is and you pay hundreds for them to be there

 

[judgejohndeed]

Because that’s my decison
That’s how I have decided to handle it and I have responded to the initial advice with my own experience
You don’t have to like it or agree but I prefer not to have an argument and besides it’s all sorted now in terms of the dress I’ve bought her
Apart from the hair on the day that’s it

I know it's your decision - it's just quite an immature way to go about things as an adult, which is why I asked - but hey ho

 

[Elisha97]

old post removed

 

[Fanny Muchmore]

I have a good friend (net friend, so I won't be at the actual wedding) who was going through similar. Her MOH (who she'd known for years) was super disinterested in anything to do with the wedding, while one of her newer friends, who is going to be a bridesmaid, was being incredibly helpful. She didn't know what to do and asked me for advice. I said that it sounded like the MOH didn't really want any of the responsibility and it might be better to demote her and promote the new friend. She ended up doing that and her planning is going SO much easier now. The original MOH was actually relieved to step down, in the end.

Then I had another friend who was getting married and his wife-to-be asked her 'then' best friend to be a bridesmaid. Unfortunately him and her best friend had a falling out, and they asked her to step down, because, as he put it "These were going to be photos of the happiest day of my life and I didn't want to be standing beside someone I was potentially no longer going to be speaking with in all of them." He was right, too.

It doesn't sound like your friend is actually there for YOU, and just wants you when it's convenient for HER. Do you want someone like that in your wedding party?

 

[Mycatoliver]

The wedding/bridesmaid is the red herring here
It’s the friendship which is the issue, or lack of it.
Personally I wouldn’t waste my time trying to explain to her why you are upset. She’s an adult, her behaviour isn’t going to change because it’s not just one major hurtful incident
I wouldn’t waste my energy demoting her all you need to do is have a game plan…..after the wedding let the friendship fizzle
No drama
No argument
Just stop trying
My wedding is in December after that she’s absolutely no where on my list of friendship or effort.
I also can’t stand her behaviour when it comes to men and relationships
I just can’t align with her
She’s forever dating the wrong guys who treat her so badly and even when they dump or ghost her she insists on keeping in contact, sleeping with them or sending them presents
It’s such drama
She’s always crying over them even though she refuses to take any responsibility
She’s had a fwb for five years hoping he will change his mind, she insists on keeping touch with him and the same goes for her last fuck boi
After eight years of friendship we’re no longer on the same page and I find it immature

 

[Warpaint]

Kill it off sooner rather than later.

 

[Mycatoliver]

My friend demoted a bridesmaid and they don’t talk now so that’s what will happen which could be a good thing
I wish I hadn’t bothered asking my friend to be bridesmaid she didn’t and never wishes me happy birthday and also been a bit shit and patronising.
After our wedding I’m not making any effort with her and tbh she’s not a close friend anymore.

personally I would bite your lip and let her be bridesmaid and then after the wedding just make no effort

Unfortunately some friends are just not forever

 

[anything at all]

When I got married my then best friend at the time was going to be my MOH, it was a small wedding and she was actually going to be the only adult bridesmaid, so as long as the dress matched our colour scheme there wasn’t too much stress on the shape or price, and we’d offered to pay for her hair and makeup but she was disinterested everytime I bought the conversation up or planning to go out together to look for something. It was months of this and she always made excuses.

It got to just over a month left before our big day and I just messaged her and said she either needs to sort something out over the weekend or not come. Looking back it does make me feel a little bit like a bridezilla but there was plenty of time before this and she just kept making excuses. She was making things stressful both for me and my partner because we had everything else organised and sorted.

Yes we did fall out and stopped talking after this but it was so much stress lifted from planning what is meant to be one of the best days. She did reach out to me a few years after to apologise but we were never really friends again.

you might be able to avoid losing her as a friend if you use the budget cut reason but also it doesn’t sound like she’s a great friend anyway