Daughter has a Bad Boyfriend....

[FunkyMonkey]

Hello all, I’m in a bit of a state and need some advice.
I’ll paraphrase as much as I can. My daughter has just turned 20. Around December year before last (2018) she met a 24 year old boy who she was dazzled by. Super keen, super attractive, essentially told her it was love at first sight.Despite the fact he comes from a very restricted religious background who Don’t value education he had a first class degree In psychology, a car which was off the road, semi pro footballer....bit of a catch yes?
When I met him I didn’t like him but I was sure it was my own prejudice because he really does have a different background to us, we are very liberal. He was a bit odd and seedy and subtly belittled my daughter a lot but I tried so hard to bear with him.
anyway...he moved out of his family home and in to her shared accommodation. Again we took pains to be okay with that. Then things Stated to go wrong. He became extremely manipulative to the point of abuse. She found out that he had lied about the degree, the car, the football. He convinced her that he was perfect and she was always in the wrong. Eventually she broke up with him. Then the suicide threats started, almost every day and certainly every time she challenged him. Eventually we found out that he had a threesome with her best friend and a seventeen year old the day after they broke up. I thought good! He had done something so unforgivable that she would leave it alone.
since lockdown it’s emerged that’s not the case. They are still talking and while I think shes under the illusion that they can be friends that’s not what he wants. He wants to marry her and that’s that. They sometimes row and he pulls horrible stunts following friends of hers on Instagram and liking all their posts till they message her saying WTF? I’m quite scared of him, I don’t know where this will stop.
ive honestly paraphrased this so much, there is other stuff, the therapy she needed, she nearly dropped out of her dream college....
I’m lucky that she is so open with me. I’ve told her what I think. They are currently on FaceTime together. I’m so worried about post lockdown when she is back at uni.
what would you do? Is there anything I can do?

 

[Heyguysswipeup]

Gosh it sounds awful, I feel for you as you can obviously see clearly what he is doing to her and you care about your daughter so much.
Going from my own experience as a teen and having a bf where my mum clearly knew better at the time but I didn’t agree... I would consider 2 things.
1. Maybe have the conversation with your daughter about if these things were happening to a friend of hers, what advice would she give her friend? If her friend had a bf who lied about his car, job etc.. and had a threesome with 2 others... what advice would she give her friend? Maybe that will help her see things from your perspective.
2. I think there may be a case of denial (from your daughter) and your daughter may want to prove your opinions wrong by continuing the relationship and making it seem ‘successful’ ... in that case I really don’t know what you can do about it unless he actually abuses her.. then authorities can get involved.

Sorry if this is not much help but I’m trying to give points of how i felt as a teenager in a similar situation and in hindsight, what I think would have worked.

 

[FunkyMonkey]

Gosh it sounds awful, I feel for you as you can obviously see clearly what he is doing to her and you care about your daughter so much.
Going from my own experience as a teen and having a bf where my mum clearly knew better at the time but I didn’t agree... I would consider 2 things.
1. Maybe have the conversation with your daughter about if these things were happening to a friend of hers, what advice would she give her friend? If her friend had a bf who lied about his car, job etc.. and had a threesome with 2 others... what advice would she give her friend? Maybe that will help her see things from your perspective.
2. I think there may be a case of denial (from your daughter) and your daughter may want to prove your opinions wrong by continuing the relationship and making it seem ‘successful’ ... in that case I really don’t know what you can do about it unless he actually abuses her.. then authorities can get involved.

Sorry if this is not much help but I’m trying to give points of how i felt as a teenager in a similar situation and in hindsight, what I think would have worked.

thank you so much! I think your second point sums it up to an extent, she just says I should trust her judgment. I think he has peddled her a bit of a fairytale so I worry that interfering will only play in to that (‘everyone is against us!’). Tellingly all her friends dislike him.
Again thank you so much for replying and your advice x

 

[Heyguysswipeup]

thank you so much! I think your second point sums it up to an extent, she just says I should trust her judgment. I think he has peddled her a bit of a fairytale so I worry that interfering will only play in to that (‘everyone is against us!’). Tellingly all her friends dislike him.
Again thank you so much for replying and your advice x

I think at that age she will probably be more influenced by her friends opinions on him than yours (sorry!!) so hopefully if her friends feel the same as you, she will start to see things more clearly.
In a few years time she will look back and will say to you ‘mum, I was so wrong and you were so right!’ I know I did... hope it sorts itself out, he sounds like a right knob!! Xx

 

[Raininvain]

Theres not much you can do apart from being there for her and seriously expressing your concerns about him to her.What I would do though is refuse to have anything to do with him myself and not let him in my house either. I wouldn't engage with him at all. I think she will come to the right decision herself in time or he will move on to someone else. Do you think she has low self esteem?

 

[Kaye1976]

I would sit her down and say to her that you trust her judgement and for her to follow her gut instinct. She has got to look like the one that’s ended this relationship But your just planting little seeds for her to think about.

 

[bubbletea123]

Oh no, this is awful. You sound like you have a great relationship with your daughter though and should protect it. The boyfriend sounds like an ass and the kind of person who would try to make her think her family is "against" her. I agree with the poster above who says to ask your daughter what she would say if it was a friend of her's in this situation.
This reminds me of a friend of mine who met a man, who was "rich" and divorced. They had nice cars, would vacation all the time to Dubai, my friend became withdrawn from our family and friends as we could see through him, stopped working, etc. Well, it turns out he was divorced because he cheated and was thrown out. He also had bailiffs after him. The vacations and lux life soon stopped. My friend wanted to get married and have kids but that didn't happen. They are still together to this day (6+ years) which surprises me but she seems to see her family and friends more. That was hard to deal with as no matter how much I tried to talk to my friend, I couldn't get through to her.
Just stay open with your daughter and make sure she can trust you. I think of the stupid boys/men I dated when I was young and the hurt they caused and I am now 28 and look back and not feel anything for them. Hopefully, her future will be the same. x

 

[FunkyMonkey]

Thank you all so much. I feel better already for hearing some different options!
Yes, she I’ll def listen to her friends more than me. I think she keeps him a bit secret from them now which again isn’t great is it?!
I’m positive she knows deep down that it’s all wrong. But she has been lucky that the other boyfriends she has had, she is on lovely terms with. I can’t explain to her how this is different.
re her self esteem, it’s a tricky one. I do think she has issues. She is doing performing arts which is all geared towards image and v hard on the esteem- but ‘professionally’ shes is amazing and very self aware.
Its almost as if he’s hit a weak spot. He seems to know what to say to keep her on the end of a wire

Thank you all so much. I feel better already for hearing some different options!
Yes, she I’ll def listen to her friends more than me. I think she keeps him a bit secret from them now which again isn’t great is it?!
I’m positive she knows deep down that it’s all wrong. But she has been lucky that the other boyfriends she has had, she is on lovely terms with. I can’t explain to her how this is different.
re her self esteem, it’s a tricky one. I do think she has. She is doing performing arts which is all geared towards image and v hard on the esteem- but ‘professionally’ shes is amazing and very self aware.
Its almost as if he’s hit a weak spot. He seems to know what to say to keep her on the end of a wire

Oooop double post x

 

[Sunflower91]

I made a terrible choice of a boyfriend at 18. It lasted almost 6 years. At the time my mum, dad and even friends were telling me he was no good, that I should break up with him for the duration. Problem is, when you’re in a situation with the kind of guy your describing, the last person to see it is the person in the relationship. He sounds to be emotionally manipulative.
This might sound utterly left field advice but put information about this kind of thing in front of your daughter. Florence Given (on Instagram) is really helping me process and realise just how bad my past relationship was. I couldn’t recommend her or her book enough. Education and information is power in a situation like this.

 

[FunkyMonkey]

Hi Sunflower! Emotionally manipulative is precisely what he is. And you are quite right, despite her being a smart cookie she is the only person who can’t see it.
I try to approach the situation with a combination of being civil while staying consistent with the message that I don’t approve. I’m very worried about taking too hard a line and driving them closer together. She keeps telling me that I have to respect her judgment, I can’t make her understand that her judgment has been manipulated.

PS I’m really glad you got out of your bad relationship x

 

[Raininvain]

She will be able to see it but will be in denial I recon. When I've known people/partners who were users and backstabbers/abusive etc I've always known.Knowing something and doing something about it are two different things. She could do the Freedom Proramme online, which helps people who are being abused which is what is happening here.x

 

[FunkyMonkey]

Oh god I’ve just looked at the Freedom Program sample chapter and some of the behaviour it describes are exactly the thing she does. Not even ‘like’ them exactly them! I need to pick the right moment and talk to her again. I’m so afraid she will side with him though.
we are so close. If he manages to come between us I’ll be heartbroken

 

[coconochanel]

I think at that age she will probably be more influenced by her friends opinions on him than yours (sorry!!) so hopefully if her friends feel the same as you, she will start to see things more clearly.
In a few years time she will look back and will say to you ‘mum, I was so wrong and you were so right!’ I know I did... hope it sorts itself out, he sounds like a right knob!! Xx

I agree with this. Has your daughter got a older sibling she is close to that she would listen to more then you (no offence)?

 

[FunkyMonkey]

I agree with this. Has your daughter got a older sibling she is close to that she would listen to more then you (no offence)?

No offence taken I hear you! unfortunately not, she’s an only child. We really are unusually close but I think this is one topic where she will be on the defensive.
I’m so tempted to show her this thread but I think she’d be very offended that I’d taken it online

 

[Brightstar72]

Oh god I’ve just looked at the Freedom Program sample chapter and some of the behaviour it describes are exactly the thing she does. Not even ‘like’ them exactly them! I need to pick the right moment and talk to her again. I’m so afraid she will side with him though.
we are so close. If he manages to come between us I’ll be heartbroken

The Freedom Programme is ace. A close female relative completed it and it helped her out of a negative relationship and to see the patterns. Sending lots of hope to you both for the future

 

[Dollylovesshoes]

What about using Clare’s law? Just to find out if he has form? You never know he may have.You don’t know that his behaviour could get worse. Awful situation to be in,very sad.

 

[FunkyMonkey]

Thank you Dolly. To be honest I’m pretty sure he has led an incredibly sheltered life and probably not had the opportunity (for want of a better term!) to do anything else. He is incredibly immature and had lived with his parents and younger sisters till he moved in with her. But you never know, I should probably check x

 

[Dollylovesshoes]

Thank you Dolly. To be honest I’m pretty sure he has led an incredibly sheltered life and probably not had the opportunity (for want of a better term!) to do anything else. He is incredibly immature and had lived with his parents and younger sisters till he moved in with her. But you never know, I should probably check x

Really hope she gets shot of him,things start like that but can get worse that’s the worrying thing.

 

[Scvee13]

So sad to read this. I have a cousin who is 20 and although different she was in a DV relationship, she now has a baby, they are on and off all the time. The DV is very severe now when they are together, it's so sad. I got advice from Women's Aid but it wasn't any help. I hope your daughter is able to see that she deserves so much better