Dating after lockdown #7 Keep your breadcrumbs, we are not pigeons!

[katyazamo]

So... Got a message on insta from an old aquaintance replying to a story, asking how things were going, boring pandemic chat, usual stuff. Normal chat until he comes out with "don't judge me but I'm feeling really horny right now lol"

Fuck sake. Here we go

I really couldn't be fucked with it and tbh was taken aback as I don't really know the guy, so replied with "lol, good luck with that, I'm away to bed" and put my phone down. The next morning I woke up to not one, but two videos of him wanking

I should have blocked there and then but stupid me replied with "dude, I think you've got the wrong idea here" and he replied to say he was really sorry and felt embarrassed. I was getting my blocking finger ready and he followed up with "but if you're into it then I could come over lol" - ARE YOU KIDDING.

I'm grossed out by it all. Men are seriously vile creatures. He's blocked now but fucking hell, that's the last time entertain someone like that. Currently going through my followers and deleting people I haven't seen for years because fuck that.

 

[anonesk223]

Surprised I’m writing this but I’m off the market! I’ve endured so many months of shit talking stages, men who played games, ghosters etc. Took months out for myself and met a lovely guy out of nowhere. I can honestly say there was not a moment of worry or anxiety or game playing, everything was just so EASY. He knew exactly what he wanted and made me his girlfriend

They’re out there ladies I promise you!! Just gotta kiss a few frogs first

 

[Bettyboo2021]

Hi all, I know none of you know me personally, but I lost my absolute world today, after 11 happy years. She had a series of seizures and they couldn’t stabilise her...I have never really experienced grief before but I wanted to share a picture of the little girl that lit up my life. My heart is shattered

 

[AlanBanan]

So... Got a message on insta from an old aquaintance replying to a story, asking how things were going, boring pandemic chat, usual stuff. Normal chat until he comes out with "don't judge me but I'm feeling really horny right now lol"

Fuck sake. Here we go

I really couldn't be fucked with it and tbh was taken aback as I don't really know the guy, so replied with "lol, good luck with that, I'm away to bed" and put my phone down. The next morning I woke up to not one, but two videos of him wanking

I should have blocked there and then but stupid me replied with "dude, I think you've got the wrong idea here" and he replied to say he was really sorry and felt embarrassed. I was getting my blocking finger ready and he followed up with "but if you're into it then I could come over lol" - ARE YOU KIDDING.

I'm grossed out by it all. Men are seriously vile creatures. He's blocked now but fucking hell, that's the last time entertain someone like that. Currently going through my followers and deleting people I haven't seen for years because fuck that.

Unblock him for a minute and send this

This is an automated message generated by the Instagram team. Your image or video that was reported by the recipient, has been found to be a violation of 42 U.S.C. § 1283 (2021).

An image you sent has been scanned by our AI Bot and was flagged as an unsolicited picture. Your account is scheduled to be reported to the police.

Our bot is currently in BETA testing; sometimes it makes mistakes. If you believe this message was in error, reply "HELP" Otherwise, you will be contacted by your local authorities within 24 to 48 hours.

 

[Clickbait]

Still feeling hugely MEH today. He did ask to see me next weekend...which confused me so will see what happens during the week I guess.

You deserve better. I don’t know you but if you were my friend I would give you a bloody good shake and then stage an intervention.

This man sounds like a complete twat. His behaviour is unacceptable. You’re not even enjoying his company when you’re with him! His communication when you’re apart is abrupt and abrasive. He is adding nothing to your life but is taking your energy, positivity and kindness like a sponge and leaving you miserable and feeling shit about yourself.

@Thank(space)you - I honestly think that you would benefit from some counselling which I would hope you can be referred to by victim support or via your GP. You may really need to push for it, if you don’t have the fight in you then nominate a friend to act as an advocate.

I don’t want to victim shame/blame, you don’t deserve what happened to you, but I’m worried you are not making very good choices with the men you invite into your life. His behaviour prior to the rape was appalling and there were many things you didn’t want to do on that night that you went along with. I don’t know if you were afraid of him or if you didn’t want to upset him by saying NO. I don’t know why he was even let in your bed for a cuddle.

You and @ATV2021 need to see you are worth so much better. A relationship should be an equal partnership where both person’s views, feelings and boundaries are respected. You are both disregarding your own wants and needs to put a man’s first. A man who does not treat you in any way nicely. The next step is making excuses for them and their behaviour and sticking up for them when friends/family challenge it.

Please both look into why you think being ‘alone’ is worse that being emotionally/mentally and physically abused. Until you love and respect yourself I’m worried you’ll keep sleepwalking into these situations with men who can sense you don’t like yourself very much and can therefore take advantage. The men you’d like to attract won’t want to be with someone who doesn’t value themselves because sadly it is not an attractive quality.

To demonstrate my point look at @LaurieLaurie - she loves her guy but has had to break away from him because he is down on himself, isn’t taking care of himself, lacks confidence and is presenting himself in a bad light.

Confidence and self-esteem is sexy. Knowing your own worth and not putting up with shit is empowering and good for the soul. Recognising when a man is worth it or not is crucial to maintaining these things. Some of this comes from age and experience, but some will be from a journey you have to go through to accepting yourself and loving who you are - you may need help to reach the end.

Sorry if I’ve seemed too harsh - it comes from a good place. I want you to both be happy.

 

[Captainmouse]

Yeah, he’s gone. Along with the 5’7 bald guy who asked what I weigh?!

You should have said more than your hair

 

[Woolmercardington]

The most relatable profile I've ever come across

 

[drewydrop]

Hi lurker here, just thought I’d share my experiences. I’m late 30s and I’ve been single most of my life whilst all my friends are married with children. Ive had boyfriends over the years, where tbh they’ve really not treated me the way they should have but I put up with cos I wanted to be loved. I even got into a relationship with a guy at work who 8 months later got married to his fiancée!! I’m not stupid and had no clue, but think I was so desperate to be loved and felt wanted I put up with a lot of things that I should have walked away from (he was a massive liar tho so I’m definitely not to blame for that). I went to counselling after that as I struggled to get over it and as much as I blamed him, I also had to question myself as to why I put up with it.

I dated a lot in 2019 online and only ever had first dates, would get into deep and meaningful conversations for a few weeks thinking they were the one and when we met they werent the one at all! But I took their rejection so personally when I didn’t even like them, I had just built them into the person that I wanted, not who they actually were.

I then met someone on Tinder and we were together a year, we broke up last October and he’s been in and out of my life since but I can’t work out if I’m still in love with him or am I just tricking myself that he can be the person I want him to be and making excuses that Lockdown was to blame for our issues, instead of questioning were we really compatible. I cut ties with him properly on Friday as it was becoming a friend with benefits situation (me initiating it) but as much as I pretended I was ok with it, I really wasn’t cos I wanted more and he didn’t know what he wanted (hes been very honest about that) but i know I deserve more than being his oh I might want you someday.

Anyway I hated people saying this to me but it really is true, you have to make yourself happy. You can’t rely on anyone else to do it for you. I’ve lived most of my life alone but have done some incredible stuff. It’s not ideally how I would want my life to be and I’ve had a lot of low times but I’ve had some great times too. Like everyone does in life. And if I hadn’t worked on me and got out there and did stuff alone, I know I’d be sat at home feeling miserable all the time. It’s difficult to do and I’ve had a shit weekend feeling like I’m going to be alone forever and why me, but today I’ve made a plan and am determined to be happy again and do what’s best for me. The last time I was truly content in life was a couple of months ago before my ex got back in touch and I was just happy with life. I did spontaneous things at weekends and after work, I didn’t feel any bitterness or jealousy towards my friends and their lives, I didn’t want to date (turned down a guy my friend tried to set me up with) because I was just content with what I had and excited about what the future could bring. And trust me it took a while to get to that point and I want to get back there again cos it’s so freeing.

You can’t spend your life waiting to be happy. Life’s too short to think oh I’ll be happy when I’m in a relationship, or when I have children or have a bigger house or lose a dress size, cos the likelihood is that when you have those things you won’t be miraculously happy then either, you’ll then focus on other problems. Again I would love to find that special someone and have a family but I’ve lasted this long I’m not going to start settling now for someone that doesn’t make me entirely happy. And after years of fooling myself, I personally don’t think relationships should be that hard when you’re with the right person, not in the beginning anyway.


Although I sometimes find her annoying, I really like Michelle Ellman on Instagram (Scarred not scared) she’s a life coach and got a book out on boundaries/ communication/ dating/ red flags etc and talks a lot of sense.

Also Sarah Silverman has quite an emotional IGTV clip on her page today from a caller who doesn’t see how anyone could love themselves. And although it’s not exactly how I feel, is worth a listen x

 

[Clickbait]

View attachment 719855

No I wouldn’t (he was 16 years younger)

Controversially I have always been told to avoid dates with policemen. I’ve heard they can turn quite unpleasant if things don’t work out.

I ignored this advice and went on a date with one. He was pretty strange - he kept wanting me to explain exactly what I would do in the event of a zombie apocalypse. When I tried to brush the question off he persisted so I said something vague and he then went on a 5 minute rant about how that was wrong and what he would do.

He suggested we do shots when it was my round and told me it was my choice what I got. Then he got in a mood because I got sambuca and he didn’t like it. He asked me if I kiss on first dates and I said yes, if it feels right. He then wanted to know what that meant exactly We’d met just after lunchtime and he suggested we go on somewhere to get some food as he’d been on shift the night before and hadn’t eaten breakfast as he wanted longer in bed (that was evident from the little effort he’d put into his appearance ) but I said I had plans - I had just moved into a new property and my friend was coming over for dinner to see it for the first time. He started getting quite moody and complaining about how I was no fun so I went to the loo to text my friend about meeting me earlier.

When I came back he’d left - leaving my coat and bag (containing not only my purse but also the only set of keys I had to my new flat) on plain view at an outside beer garden table (next to a busy street). I texted him after 5 mins when I realised he’d actually gone to say he could have just told me he wanted to go and I wouldn’t expect a policeman to walk off leaving someone’s possessions to potentially get stolen. He replied saying that he could do what he liked, that I shouldn’t be needy about wanting a kiss and if I ever contacted him again he would have me done for harassment. Lesson learned on that one!

 

[hereforthememe]

@Thank(space)you I mean this with the best intentions but after following this thread for a while... I think you are a vulnerable person at the moment. The best thing for you to do is step away from dating and focus on yourself. Look after yourself and remember your self worth.

Men smell vulnerability and take advantage. You don't deserve this.

 

[hereforthememe]

omg everyone

I just applied for First Dates

 

[Jmx]

I soo wish I was better at responding back to some of the men that enter and exit my life in a week!

So my recent ' disaster ' ...met him in Tinder, ticked all the boxes and was attentive and consistent in his messaging even whilst away with his teenage kids camping. Arranged to meet for a coffee . All went well but I wasn't blown away by him and wasn't sure I wanted to see him again even though he did ask. He messaged me the next few days but then things started to dwindle and in my head I was sortof doing the slow fade. Then there was 3 days with no messages. I deleted him off my WhatsApp chat and just ' forgot ' about him. Then suddenly out of the blue I got this message from him..

Hope you are well. FYI I went on a date last night and I've decided to see her again. I've done the multi dating thing before but it doesn't work for me. You are amazing, sexy as hell and I loved meeting you but I'm going to say goodbye. I hope you meet someone soon as you are a great woman. Bye !

That's not the exact but pretty much word for word what his message said!

I responded back with, at no point did you tell me that you were chatting to others perhaps that was information you should have told me before you wasted my time! I then wished him well and blocked and deleted him ! FYI he had told me he was only speaking to me and only interested in getting to know me !

Not gonna lie, his message made me feel like crap for a few days ...I'm all these amazing things but the other woman was better? Not the message anybody should send or have to receive !

My friends think that he was waiting to see how the other date went before binning me the next day. I agree !

Just wish I was better at one liners to send to these awful time wasting men that think it's ok to send messages like that !! Grrr !

To be fair I don’t think he has done anything wrong and you have overreacted slightly considering you weren’t fussed about him anyway.

 

[crystaleyesd]

Depends on the man tho innit. A few months ago I was dating a guy (very casually, we'd seen each other like 5 times in total) and I was about to get a long distance train. He made me a special playlist, cooked me pancakes for the journey and gifted me a pair of very specialist pin badges he must have scoured the internet to find. He then demanded to come see me off at the station, carried my bags and clung to me like I was bloody going off to war - immediate ick and I had to break up with the poor sod.

 

[ComeForTheX StayForTheY]

I’ve just been sick in my mouth.

View attachment 728590

Also commits the crime of word & corresponding emoji, in case our little girly brains don't understand e.g
Running
Football
Surfing
Climbing
.... Fuck off

 

[Thank(space)you]

I need massive help/advice please.

(For ease we are calling the guy I'm dating L)

So L came over, I suggest getting a bottle of wine from the garage across the road. He's happy with that so we do so. He insists he doesn't want any takeaway, so I order for myself because I've been looking forward to it and I'm a piggy.
he takes control of the remote and is on you tube and Spotify any songs I suggest are shit (not joking)
We drink the wine and he asks if I have any more alcohol in the house, I say no. L says he wants to get pissed, I say I don't want to. (Previous times we've gotten drunk together he's left early in the morning) he goes on at me that I'm boring, he's searching on Google for any offies that are open. He finds one which is a 20 minute walk away. I don't want to go but he keeps on at me. We get there and they don't sell booze. He suggests we walk back to mine via town centre so we can see if any pubs are open.
the entire walk back he's telling me I'm boring, I'm miserable, I must have alcohol in the house because I'm an alcoholic (he's aware all of my parents are/were alcoholics) when I mentioned I didn't like him saying this he said he was only joking and he says it to everyone
we get back to mine and he decides to face time his friend whilst reassuring me nothing is going on between them (I don't care if he has female friends)
L is suggesting we go to my friend's house (she has covid) because she will definitely have alcohol. I refuse. He says its fine because we're both double jabbed. (I'm CEV which he knows)
L starts trying it on, I say I'm not in the mood. He calls me boring, asking why I don't like him anymore, saying if I liked him I would etc. I say I'm going to bed. He comes up, we're cuddling and he just sticks it in. I say ffs I told you I don't want to, by this point I'm tired and fed up so I just go along with it.


So my question is this- how do I tell him this is unacceptable without being a bitch?

 

[Clickbait]

So the most important thing to James who is 35 years old and a teacher is to find a woman who will allow him to perform a specific sex act on her. Doesn’t care if she is a nice person, kind, thoughtful, honest, educated. Or they have things in common or nothing in common at all aside from that. That is what he wants to build a serious relationship on. James is what is wrong with modern dating. Go have a relationship with Pornhub James you utter freak.

 

[Not_A_Troll]

Just an idea…

 

[Clickbait]

I soo wish I was better at responding back to some of the men that enter and exit my life in a week!

So my recent ' disaster ' ...met him in Tinder, ticked all the boxes and was attentive and consistent in his messaging even whilst away with his teenage kids camping. Arranged to meet for a coffee . All went well but I wasn't blown away by him and wasn't sure I wanted to see him again even though he did ask. He messaged me the next few days but then things started to dwindle and in my head I was sortof doing the slow fade. Then there was 3 days with no messages. I deleted him off my WhatsApp chat and just ' forgot ' about him. Then suddenly out of the blue I got this message from him..

Hope you are well. FYI I went on a date last night and I've decided to see her again. I've done the multi dating thing before but it doesn't work for me. You are amazing, sexy as hell and I loved meeting you but I'm going to say goodbye. I hope you meet someone soon as you are a great woman. Bye !

That's not the exact but pretty much word for word what his message said!

I responded back with, at no point did you tell me that you were chatting to others perhaps that was information you should have told me before you wasted my time! I then wished him well and blocked and deleted him ! FYI he had told me he was only speaking to me and only interested in getting to know me !

Not gonna lie, his message made me feel like crap for a few days ...I'm all these amazing things but the other woman was better? Not the message anybody should send or have to receive !

My friends think that he was waiting to see how the other date went before binning me the next day. I agree !

Just wish I was better at one liners to send to these awful time wasting men that think it's ok to send messages like that !! Grrr !

@Bagpuss7 this is the classic wounded male pride thing. You didn’t respond to him in the way he wanted you to i.e. loads of enthusiasm, hanging off his every word so he’s decided to send this message binning you off before you do the same to him. Sadly some people are really petty and want to have the control/final word.

I think that it’s unlikely there is another woman. And honestly, you were phasing him out so what does it matter anyway? Don’t let his message have the desired effect.

You were right to trust your gut that said he wasn’t the right man for you - rise above the petty twat.

Just to say I had something similar happen to me - met someone, wasn’t really feeling it, had other irons in the fire. He sent some chit chatty texts which I replied to when I got round to it. Left a message on read for 24 hours and lo and behold he’s met someone else and he had a feeling they’re going to be serious so was ending things with me.

I messaged back saying that was a shame as I found him so attractive that I struggled to talk to him and was sad if my shyness had ruled me out but I hoped he was happy with her. He must have got whiplash from the 180 he did - suddenly what I said made sense and he was so happy and he liked me a lot too and perhaps we could meet again. I said ‘what about this other girl?’ And he said something about her living too far away for it to work. So I messaged I didn’t like the fickle side of his personality as it was a real turn off and said we wouldn’t work out. Then blocked him. I can do petty really well

 

[realhousewivewannabe]

This might just be the rudest bumble message I’ve had. He then told me to take Care.. so obviously I got in quick and unmatched and blocked him. Self esteem back in the gutter

 

[Wowitsme]

I need massive help/advice please.

(For ease we are calling the guy I'm dating L)

So L came over, I suggest getting a bottle of wine from the garage across the road. He's happy with that so we do so. He insists he doesn't want any takeaway, so I order for myself because I've been looking forward to it and I'm a piggy.
he takes control of the remote and is on you tube and Spotify any songs I suggest are shit (not joking)
We drink the wine and he asks if I have any more alcohol in the house, I say no. L says he wants to get pissed, I say I don't want to. (Previous times we've gotten drunk together he's left early in the morning) he goes on at me that I'm boring, he's searching on Google for any offies that are open. He finds one which is a 20 minute walk away. I don't want to go but he keeps on at me. We get there and they don't sell booze. He suggests we walk back to mine via town centre so we can see if any pubs are open.
the entire walk back he's telling me I'm boring, I'm miserable, I must have alcohol in the house because I'm an alcoholic (he's aware all of my parents are/were alcoholics) when I mentioned I didn't like him saying this he said he was only joking and he says it to everyone
we get back to mine and he decides to face time his friend whilst reassuring me nothing is going on between them (I don't care if he has female friends)
L is suggesting we go to my friend's house (she has covid) because she will definitely have alcohol. I refuse. He says its fine because we're both double jabbed. (I'm CEV which he knows)
L starts trying it on, I say I'm not in the mood. He calls me boring, asking why I don't like him anymore, saying if I liked him I would etc. I say I'm going to bed. He comes up, we're cuddling and he just sticks it in. I say ffs I told you I don't want to, by this point I'm tired and fed up so I just go along with it.


So my question is this- how do I tell him this is unacceptable without being a bitch?

you don’t need advice you know what to do, you are not stupid!

So this is the second male in a matter of weeks that you’ve not wanted to have sex and they have forced them self on you. I suggest you stop dating and go to therapy.