Dating after lockdown #39 Don't get toothfished

[blueblue]

Exactly. The fucker has just messaged me to see if I’m OK too.

I’m more than OK.

Block him. He's texting to see if he still has digital access to you. He doesn't care if you're ok.

 

[holliebollie]

@Thank(space)you I hope this doesn’t come across as rude, but do you think that if you’d had more of a successful dating life recently, you wouldn’t be feeling like this? You had had a pretty crap time of it by the sounds of it pre this B man and he’s the first one to make it to boyfriend recently. It sounds like you’re clinging to it (despite a few V red flag behaviours) because you think you won’t find another and be back to square one looking again.

I don’t know you but from your posts (here and the JM thread) you always come across as very sweet, likeable, self aware and kind. Not many people go from their 20/30s til death single, that’s my go to thought when I feel like I’ll die alone There ARE better men out there and you WILL get one one day. I know it seems he has his good points and I’m sure most of the time he IS a good bf to you, but just the things you’ve shared with us makes me want to slap him for you. Just because you’ve had a crappy love life, doesn’t mean you have to settle for this.

 

[SwishSwing]

Exactly. He’s been straight up and made sure I was OK with that so it’s not like I can say he’s led me on.

I think I’ll see how it goes. It’s a bit of fun. I don’t think I’ll get to see him loads anyway cos he doesn’t drive. If it got a couple of months down the line and he didn’t want to be exclusive or still wasn’t sure then I’d call it a day.

He said he’s probably self sabotaging himself but that’s not my issue. I’m not getting deep in with another avoidant. Fuck that. So even if this doesn’t go anywhere, I’ve learnt what I’ll tolerate from my last shit show of a relationship.

OK, so I've taken a couple of thoughts from your comment here. I mean no criticism but you've mentioned "if we get a couple months down the line and he doesn't want to be exclusive" and "even if this doesn't go anywhere" which kind of implies to me that you're going into this HOPING that if you go in casual, he's going to change his mind.

I'll save you time. He's not going to.

You either need to go into this and enjoy it for what it is, a casual no strings relationship (which there's zero shade in) or if you cant do that, you need to walk away.

I've been there. I've been the "chill" girl spending time with a guy hoping he does it enough times he'll suddenly wake up one day and realise I've been there all along. Ive done the casual when I thought that was what I wanted too but then when it ended I realised "oh crap I did actually want that". I’ve also done the "we're both single, we don't want a relationship but we fancy each other so why not" and it HAS worked.

The only time it ever works is if you're both on the same page about it only being fun. You really can't have the "it might lead to something" mind set at the outset.

It might. But that's the exception, not the rule.

I'm not trying to be a dick, I promise. I just don't want you to go in and get hurt because you've not quite figured out your own boundaries.

 

[Lalalalaaaaaa85]

Poking my head in here. Partner of 9 years and father of my son walked out on us a month ago. Devastated and definitely not ready for dating but just looking for distraction so hope you lovely people don’t mind me lurking here and maybe I’ll have some stories to share in a few months

 

[Kitty kat 20]

I was so bored last night I did a bit of social media stalking and I saw a guy I was only talking to in Nov got married recently. I didn't actually meet him in the end because I felt something was off and now I know why. Men are just next level..

 

[IGiveUp22]

He's sent me a message basically saying his mental health is a mess & he needs to sort that out. He loves me but he needs to sort himself out. He won't ask me to wait for him but it's up to me what I do and he hopes I still come and see him Tuesday. He's apologised and acknowledged I deserve better.

I've replied just saying I'm not sure what to say and I need some time to think.

When a man tells you this, run.
This basically translates to “I know I’m treating you like shit and I know you don’t deserve it but I’m doing it anyway”.
you absolutely do deserve better x

 

[Olgivy]

I just want him to see from my point of view and apologise. That's it

Oh he sees it alright, but he isn’t going to give you the satisfaction, because that isn’t his goal. His goal is to have the upper hand.

I saw ALL of this coming a few weeks ago when you said he told you “It’s going to take a while for me to get used to being treated so well.” Right there, I knew bullshit was on the horizons. This is a man who seems to have very idealised, high expectations of women. You are not allowed to expect the same of him though. He wants to be taken care of. He wants women to be at his beck and call, which his behaviour demonstrates. And now he is giving you the silent treatment. All textbook abusive behaviour, which is starting to stack up. It seems you want to be with this man, at all costs though?

P.s. “I wanted a release” that line gave me the ick big time.

 

[Sprottish]

I’m a seasoned dater having gone through multiple HEARTBREAKS via this thread ( to you all) but I have just moved in with my boyfriend after a wonderful 18 months together.
Still coming here for advice though. His previous partner tragically died suddenly 4 years ago, she was only in her 20s. They were together a long time and I’ve just temporarily moved into the house they had together (a tricky one to navigate but that’s another story!)

He has been very open and pragmatic about the situation and talks about her with fond memories which I love. He goes to her memorial on her birthday and the anniversary. It is the anniversary approaching. I was thinking of buying a small bunch of tulips (nothing grand or extravagant) to give to him to take with him. Is this overstepping the mark? Should I just let him do what he needs to do and not make a thing of it? I just want to show that I care and that I respect the life they had together and the life that’s allowing for us now.

 

[LaBlonde]

Rightly or wrongly I want to marry another doctor.

I matched with somebody new who lives 4 hours away from me, four days ago. We agreed to meet up in a half way city around the middle of June.

I told the first that I was talking to someone else and if he wanted exclusivity that I was open to discussing it. He said that he was uncomfortable with me talking to others, but that we could have an open relationship for now, after I pointed out that his own dating profile was still up with new pictures attached.

The second person is a German doctor working in the UK and seems okay enough for now. It's kinda fun just chatting. I had already been learning German slowly since the past year.

I feel guilty even though I know I’m not doing anything wrong. With number one- I know I could easily love him it's just that for now I didn't find him that physically attractive. Number two wasn't traditionally hot either. As James McAvoy, Gary Lightbody or Justin long weren't knocking on my door, I was trying not to be so shallow and give others a chance.

I've told both that I'm talking to others, so I've told them I'm going to date both of them and then decide. That we should work on being friends first. There will be no sex involved anyway. I'm grateful this is the only problem I have at the moment.

at risk of being too harsh again; girl, do you think you’re making these interactions very intense from the off? why would you discuss inclusivity with someone you matched with four days ago?! why are you discussing an open relationship with him, and why would he be uncomfortable with you talking to other people?! you haven’t met yet and it’s only been a few days - or am i missing something here?

i know that your obvious end goal is marriage based on this and your previous posts but it will genuinely help you to take a breath. the apps are meant to be really casual from the off, for better or worse, and i don’t think it helps you much to go All In so quickly.

 

[Here for gossip]

Do you see him outside of your place? Maybe try that.

And does he have a valid reason to be tired i.e working long hours, late nights or have a busier life than you? Because if you can stay awake, he can too.

You should bring it up in a non confrontational way and see how he takes it. Let him know it doesn't feel like you're really spending time together.

No we go nowhere he has only ever been to my house, he has no job at the moment and is looking for work he is a single man, am a single mother myself with a busy life and have give up alot of my free time for him which I feel like now has been a waste of time, I have suggested going out a few times he said I don't have the money, I have been good to him, cooking for him, buying him fags and drink and a few takeaways and I get zero in return

 

[Olgivy]

On the subject of taking about oral health would any of u ladies date a man with no teeth and I don't mean as in wears false teeth as that wouldn't bother me but I mean a guy who has no teeth and doesn't wear any false teeth

Stanking breath and now Steptoe. Come on girls. Why are you scraping the barrel like this?

 

[MissJoT]

You saying sex would makes things all okay again genuinely makes me sad. Sex should never be a sticking plaster and it feels almost like you were offering it up so he liked you again

 

[Lalla]

Anyone who says long term open to short, means they are only looking for short term.

And anyone past the age of 30 who is 'figuring out their relationship type' just needs to get in the bin.

On my last dabble with dating apps (in a pool of men 48-55) after I'd got rid of any potential matches who had either or both the above on their profile, any with spelling or grammatical errors, obvious UKIP voters, or photos that were clearly 10+ years old, I was left with not one match.

Which I guess sums up dating options!

 

[rainbowlemon]

I, admittedly naively, had sex with B yesterday, we had a nice evening, and i thought maybe sex would make it all better.
But during sex, like actually in the act, he said to me "you should have had sex with me after the funeral, you need to stop putting your friends and family first"
That's weird right?!
I said afterwards never to say that again, and he said "sorry about that" but it didn't feel like a genuine apology. Then he just went to sleep no cuddling me or anything.

I love him, but I dont feel loved by him

Thank you, from reading your previous posts in other threads. I think you said you have a daughter? What would you honestly tell her in this situation ?

Perhaps you would gently remind her that love should never leave her feeling disrespected , confused, or unimportant. You’d tell her that a man who truly loves her would never weaponise her grief or make her feel guilty for not wanting sex.

You’d want her to feel safe and if someone can’t give her that, you'd tell her to walk away before her self-worth slowly starts getting chipped away bit by bit.

So now ask yourself gently, why should you settle for anything less than the love you'd want for your daughter?

 

[Good Egg]

Hey everybody it’s me! I’m back.
You may remember from such posts as FWB who messed me around, messed my head up and yeah still wants a ‘casual’ thing with me.
I’m here to tell you I’m through the other side! Am I fully healed - no! Do I have bad days - yes! But it hasn’t and I will not let it break me. I thought he was a ‘friend’. Looking back - not so sure.

Posting because shitty men don’t control me or my happiness. I’m working on me, I’m working through so much and I’m seeing results.
Been chatting to a nice guy on messenger and it’s going well, respectful and polite (not a pick in sight - yet!!). Only issue is he lives about three hours away. I feel in control and I also feel like I can regulate myself better and I’m looking for signs of any red flag as a big fat NO!

I just wanted to say I do dip in and out even if I don’t post. You got me through a sad and dark time in my life but I’m starting to see daylight again and never, ever will I let a man determine my worth, my happiness and my self esteem and respect.

Ladies - I salute each and every one of you.

 

[LouBug19]

Urgh.

3 dates in a row. Very affectionate, talking about the future with me, if we want any kids together etc. I asked him this morning over text - as there’s been no exclusivity talk as it’s early days - if he was seeing anyone else and he hit the roof saying that it’s an insult that I’ve asked that. Now needs time to ‘consider how that makes him feel.’ I told him in the text that I don’t think he is but I just wanted clarity so I can fully embrace things.

I mean his reaction seems strange. It's a simple question really.

 

[Olgivy]

The one I post about a couple of nights ago who put the plaster on my finger- 'm going to have to stop seeing him sadly. I messaged him on Monday night to tell him I got home safely and he replied saying "good glad you got home safe, try and not hurt yoruself more lol" but I didn't read it until the morning. I haven't heard from him. I did text him last night about the tv show, the last of us.

He always goes MIA for a couple of days; longest was 2 weeks which he said I messaged when he was out and then he went to Brighton (wirth work) and then Mancehster (his home town) but now it's a pattern of only messaging when he it suits him and wanting sex, but isn't how I want to be treated.

I spoke to my therapist about everything recently and she did say I do think it would be wise for me to go with the flow with him as I have an AWFUL habit/way of thinking/behaviour of trying to control everything/everyone and doing a whole speech with men and then not sticking to what i say.

But either way, I know I can't continue having sex with him unless something changes.

I've also started my period today which explains why I cried the other day lol In other news, i hope everyone is having a lovely bank holiday

Aunty Olgivy here. Remember when I said I was worried about you? This is why.

You said you were going to focus on yourself for a bit. What happened? You do not want casual sex. You just haven’t admitted that to yourself yet. Because if when they treat you “casually” you become unhappy, you are deeply misaligned. That’s the clue. You want to be loved, and that’s OK. We all do. But having sex is not the same as being loved, it’s a cheap substitute and will leave you feeling empty and maybe even a bit used?

Call me “woo woo” but 99% of the time when I read this thread, I sense that something is deeply wrong with the way women relate to men. I don’t say this to sound patronising (I’ve made every mistake and more), and I’m not talking about anyone in particular here. But I wish I could just wave a magic wand and you could all see the power you hold as a woman on this earth. You wouldn’t constantly contort yourself to fit a man’s requirements and you wouldn’t settle for what you do—if only you knew.

P.s. I recognise your therapist is bound by a certain professional code of conduct, and her job isn’t to dictate to you what you do with your life. But I’d like to think she has made a suggestion at the very least, to stay away from men for a bit?

 

[IGiveUp22]

I, admittedly naively, had sex with B yesterday, we had a nice evening, and i thought maybe sex would make it all better.
But during sex, like actually in the act, he said to me "you should have had sex with me after the funeral, you need to stop putting your friends and family first"
That's weird right?!
I said afterwards never to say that again, and he said "sorry about that" but it didn't feel like a genuine apology. Then he just went to sleep no cuddling me or anything.

I love him, but I dont feel loved by him

I’m not going to repeat myself or any of the other really good responses you’ve already had.

I’ve highlighted a bit of your post in bold.

Please can you explain to me why you love a man that is asking you to effectively remove the people in your life that do love you, and have been there for you for years and years?

What else do you love about this man?

 

[LaBlonde]

i honestly wish i wasn’t so apathetic about dating at this point. have been chatting to a guy on bumble for about a week, he’s nice, seems interested, i feel NOTHING. he has asked if i’m free next saturday for a date i have ABSOLUTELY NO FEELINGS about it i have not even responded. like, i’m completely over the whole experience and it’s not even personal to him. i don’t even know how to break out of it as i genuinely would like to meet someone nice but the process of dating is just something i’m constantly recoiling from. like i was “urgh” the moment he asked. my brain is an interesting place to be

 

[IGiveUp22]

Honestly my head is a mess & I wonder if I'm blowing everything out of proportion. He says i am and that I've misunderstood everything but he gets mad when I tell him I dont understand, and says I'm just not listening. Which I am, but listening and understanding are two different things

I don’t want to sound like a broken record and all that but him telling you you’re blowing it all out of proportion is absolutely gaslighting behaviour.
If I wasn’t already, I absolutely am convinced just from the small things you’ve told us on here that this man is a narcissist. Please please please from someone who had one destroy their life for 1 year, but ultimately has been left with the lasting scars going on 6 now run a fucking mile from this man. Save yourself and your daughter of constant emotional manipulation and confusion.
I appreciate this might sound OTT, and again, we only know the snippets, I get that but this should not be his reaction to this situation. It’s not normal and please don’t let him convince you it’s you that’s wrong, because it is not.