Dating after lockdown #39 Don't get toothfished

[D2them]

He's sent me a message basically saying his mental health is a mess & he needs to sort that out. He loves me but he needs to sort himself out. He won't ask me to wait for him but it's up to me what I do and he hopes I still come and see him Tuesday. He's apologised and acknowledged I deserve better.

I've replied just saying I'm not sure what to say and I need some time to think.

This will keep happening, and you'll be on an emotional rollercoaster for as long as you allow it. Don't.

 

[Smell_my_cheese]

I just wanted to add that I was in a very similar situation with my last partner, except I let it go on for 2 years. He would lovebomb and make me feel so special and loved, and then go through periods when he “wasn’t sure” or would be physically and emotionally distant.
I spent the entire time trying to work out what I’d done wrong. Analysing every message I sent, thinking before I spoke every single time, just so as to not make *him* feel uncomfortable or to push him away. I blamed myself entirely.

When he got bored of the game, he dumped me over text. By this point I’d lost two stone in weight through stress and nausea, was having regular panic attacks and fainting and could barely focus on anything else.

It has taken me two years out of the relationship to realise he was emotionally controlling (I am no where near as astute as all you contributors on here and reading your posts over the past two years have allowed me to understand what was going on, so thank you).

I just wanted to say that your situation sounds similar and I don’t want anyone to go through what I went through. You have done nothing wrong. This man is only considering himself and his needs. I promise you, you can do better, even if that’s on your own. No one has the right to disturb your peace and make you doubt your own needs in a relationship. He doesn’t sound right for you, and that’s on him not you.

Enjoy your weekend away free from his to-ing and fro-ing. Enjoy the peace of being able to be around people that love you for exactly who you are right now.

Sorry for the very long post. I just couldn’t not say anything after reading how you just want to be loved. I think you’re very loved. He doesn’t deserve to love you x

 

[Thank(space)you]

I know I'm gonna get slaughtered for this but please be kind with the tough love as I'm feeling very sad and vulnerable


I dont know if B and I are together anymore. I thought things were great between us, until yesterday. I had a funeral of a close family relative, and it was a really stressful, horrible day. B came over and was just really off with me. He made a comment about wanting sex as we've not had it in a week as I was on holiday last week (holiday booked before I knew him) anyway I did snap at him which I know is wrong and I shouldn't have, and said "yes because sex is what's on my mind right now"
When we were in bed he said he was mad at me and I was crying, I asked for reassurance that he wasn't going anywhere, he said its just a bad day.
Anyway, he left for work this morning then sent me a text which blindsided me tbh saying he doesn't feel like he's a priority in my life, and he's not been happy for a couple of months.
Today he's said he doesn't know if he wants to be with me anymore.

I dont get it, it was only a couple of weeks ago he asked me to be his girlfriend and told me he loves me. Now this.

I'm away this weekend with my friends & he's away next week with his son. He says he's struggling with his mental health & he feels distant from me and that we're going backwards not forwards.

Sorry for the long post and the massive dump.

I honestly feel like such an idiot for being happy and thinking I'd found a good one. For telling friends and family about him. For getting my hopes up. I do think if things dont work out I'm going to give up on dating, I'm just not resilient enough for it.

 

[KYLIE]

Recently broke things off with my partner of almost 2 years, as I found out he had lied about his finances to me for basically the entire relationship. Serious life-altering "will probably lose house and need to do bankruptcy" type debt. There were a few other issues but that's the gist of it.

I feel so completely cursed with men, I just don't even know if I have it in me to bother ever trying again. Other people have a person, get married, and I am just alone and so utterly crushed, I thought I'd met my person. I mean fucking hell, if it's not being cheated on it's being lied to. Just don't know if I should even bother going on the dating apps again. I feel like crying everytime I look at photos of us, what did I do to deserve this, I was nothing but good to him, I tried everything to help him to no avail. I don't understand why men have to be so cruel, and he is completely fine as men always are, no fucks given.

 

[whoareyouu]

I’m calling it off. He’s been very honest and said he doesn’t honestly know what he wants. Why do these men advertise themselves as wanting long term relationships when they don’t know what they want in life…

 

[smartalec]

He had sex with you, made sure he came and then told you there’s no spark? Jesus fucking Christ the audacity of these men. I’m sorry you’ve had to put up with this.

I know I go on about this, but he knows exactly what he is doing, he didn't have a revelation at the moment of orgasm.

It is a very deliberate humiliation tactic. You need to block and delete this slimeball for your own dignity.

 

[Thank(space)you]

B has asked me to be his girlfriend

 

[Rach8456]

He's sent me a message basically saying his mental health is a mess & he needs to sort that out. He loves me but he needs to sort himself out. He won't ask me to wait for him but it's up to me what I do and he hopes I still come and see him Tuesday. He's apologised and acknowledged I deserve better.

I've replied just saying I'm not sure what to say and I need some time to think.

This man is playing major games with you here. He can’t be arsed making any effort but wants you hanging around and is putting all the onus on you to make the effort to come to him when it suits him. You are so much better than this, he is bringing nothing to your life except confusion and stress

 

[smartalec]

Recently broke things off with my partner of almost 2 years, as I found out he had lied about his finances to me for basically the entire relationship. Serious life-altering "will probably lose house and need to do bankruptcy" type debt. There were a few other issues but that's the gist of it.

Prolonged lying is a form of emotional abuse, and an enormous betrayal. Please do not listen to anyone who tries to play down or excuse this behaviour, I know so many women who were in this situation and it is hugely traumatising. You need time (it's early) and space (as no-contact as you can). What a LOSER. Does this debt affect you or are you financially seperate?

I feel so completely cursed with men, I just don't even know if I have it in me to bother ever trying again. Other people have a person, get married, and I am just alone and so utterly crushed, I thought I'd met my person. I mean fucking hell, if it's not being cheated on it's being lied to. Just don't know if I should even bother going on the dating apps again. I feel like crying everytime I look at photos of us, what did I do to deserve this, I was nothing but good to him, I tried everything to help him to no avail. I don't understand why men have to be so cruel, and he is completely fine as men always are, no fucks given.

This is a totally normal reaction when you are raw, but your thoughts are not the same as truths.
I don't know if I have it in me... You don't need to date again, unless you want to, but you need time to heal (or you will be vulnerable to the same losers).
Other people have a person, get married, and I am just alone... people might have looked at your relationship and thought that. Most relationships I know enough to be close to can see the compromises, know the challenges etc. Some are okay, none are perfect. And MY GOD imagine if you were married!
What did I do to deserve this... Nothing. Nobody does, and you would never say that to a friend who had been abused. You may have been vulnerable to a liar or groomed into ignoring things or tricked by sunk cost fallacy, but being trusting and loving is normal.
I tried everything to help him... He doesn't want help. Because he is a loser. You can't fix scumbags, women are groomed from childhood into trying to fix them - bad boys blah blah.
I don't understand why men have to be so cruel...you cannot understand cruelty or abuse. Would you ask a friend to analyse and try and understand someone who abused them? People with personality disorders are by nature disordered and illogical. You will disengage from this over time.

Sending you lots of love and healing vibes. The best antidote to the fear of being alone is becoming your own best friend, building your own sense of joy, self-sufficiency and networks. It will happen.

 

[Rach472]

Well just a wee update on me.
After I found out my ex was seeing someone else I went off the rails a bit with the casual sex. But it was making me feel utterly shit about myself. So I've come off the apps and for the first time in forever I'm focused on myself and my child and not being distracted by some shit man. And I'm doing really well, I'm nearly finished the course I'm studying and I've been getting some freelance work, I'd really love to get away from working for 'the man' so I'm using the rest of this year to focus on building up a regular client base and hopefully being in a position to quit and work for myself full time. So I'm very very busy and it's keeping me out of trouble. I also am on week 6 of an 8 week pole dancing course! I'm not an exercise fan but really felt I owed it to myself and my daughter (and the 8 cats and dog) to work on my fitness. I am utterly shit at it but I can feel myself getting stronger and it's fun and sassy, I'm going to continue with it!
I also rescued another cat and feel I could be content to be a single crazy cat lady forever.

 

[Thank(space)you]

Hello all, my first time posting on this thread but i just need to tell someone what’s been happening . 18 months ago I moved to a new city, met someone straight away on Bumble, we had a great date and arranged to meet again. Lots of great messages, then he blocked me. Fast forward to March, he got in touch again, I was single so responded, we had a lovely date and arranged another and…he ghosted me. Yesterday we accidentally bumped into each other in the supermarket but didn’t speak (I didn’t realise it was him at first) and I got home to find he’d blocked me on social media. Logged onto Bumble and he popped up as a new joiner.

I know objectively that this is not my fault, he’s not worth it, and I should move on, but I’m really struggling. I really like him, we have loads in common, I could see us fitting together very well. I think the biggest issue for me is the way he’s done it (and that he’s done it twice) - nearly every other time I’ve been on a date with someone they have said they’re not interested). (Incidentally he’s been single for about 15 years so I think he probably just cycles through women like this ). And the blocking me on social media is just petty.
So how do I get over this?

Honestly, and I'm not trying to be a d*ck, but you dont like him, you like the idea of him, the him you've built up in your head. He is not that person, he is showing you who he is.

The only things I can recommend are blocking him on everything, and get talking to other people. Whether that's romantically or platonically, on the apps or IRL.

Controversial but I really like the "block, delete, move on" book, and look up your attachment style, the book "attached" is a great resource.

He is not the one, if he was, he wouldn't be behaving like this.

And remember it is a him problem, not a you problem

 

[Bianca Del Rio]

@Thank(space)you I think all you can do now is be vigilant and see what happens next time there’s a disagreement. If he handles it with maturity and seems like he’s learned from this, great. If it’s the same or worse, then the apology without changed behaviour is nothing but manipulation and into the bin he goes.

 

[LaBlonde]

He is lying here sleeping still since 10:30 last night, i have been up since 8am I said surely u cant still be tired he said yes I am, I said well I have things to do and have to go out soon and he turned around and went back to sleep

girl; you’ve only been seeing him for 8 weeks, you owe him absolutely nothing. tip that mattress up and get him out of both your bed and your house. he is an absolute waster who has brought absolutely nothing to your life.

can only second what rayne says above about working on yourself after this. he’s completely taken advantage.

 

[cowtastrophe]

On the subject of taking about oral health would any of u ladies date a man with no teeth and I don't mean as in wears false teeth as that wouldn't bother me but I mean a guy who has no teeth and doesn't wear any false teeth

Christ no. I’m not even dating but just fuck no.

 

[qqwertyy]

well, I went back there didn’t I.

anyway, tonight immediately after he had erm ‘reached his goal’ he sat back and said he can’t do it. He doesn’t feel there’s a spark. Fair play, at least it’s done now. I won’t get into a situation like this again.

such a shame as we had so much in common and that, and sexual chemistry, but that’s not enough.

He had sex with you, made sure he came and then told you there’s no spark? Jesus fucking Christ the audacity of these men. I’m sorry you’ve had to put up with this.

 

[peteburnsreincarnated]

1.Have no fear. South East of the UK for me.

2. Yes I’m fussy, but I’ve changed my mind about meeting up with number two based on this interaction alone. I didn’t like his nose either.

View attachment 3527841

The whole convo is cringe tbh

 

[boomska]

Thanks everyone!!

I didn’t message him; I instead read my new book and went to bed at 9.30 as I was tireeeeed!!

You definitely reminded me to be the baddass bitch I am and to not chase after him

 

[ToolaRoola]

The work guy I was seeing had no social media, or so he said

I managed to find his TikTok that he only used to follow, he didn't post. He followed over 4000 accounts which I actually thought was a bit odd.

Did I go through all 4000 and find his wife? You bet I did

 

[KYLIE]

@Thank(space)you

He's made it clear he wants out but is too much of a coward to actually say it. A lot of men do this.

Girl, hear me out here.... FUCK HIM. Stand up for yourself. Atm you arent with how you respond to him and want him to love you etc - he KNOWS this and is taking control of you and the situation to boost his ego. He loves the way you panic and need reassurance from him, it makes him feel powerful. It's disgusting the way he yoyos your emotions while he plays a victim and you pander to him and he knows it. He is playing you like a fiddle. (Sorry if that sounds mean I don't mean it to be I just see it from the outside, have dated so many guys like this)

You deserve so much better!!!! You don't need to take time to think about you guys, you need to take time to realise how completely worthy you are of SO MUCH MORE THAN THIS! What an arsehole. Honestly. You are doing yourself a serious disservice if you wait around or pander to him, which he knows you do.

Are you even happy being yo-yo'd like this? You've posted a few things about this B guy that seem a bit off and honestly, it's supposed to be easy with the right person, especially in that first year or so. Yeah there will be issues sometimes but nothing like this in the early days. You don't need to feel like this in a relationship, it should be so much better than this. He knows he has you on a string and him asking for sex while you're upset etc... just wow... that is not a man you want a future with.

It is so much better to ugly cry into your pillow for a few months during a break-up than it is to be with the wrong person. We're all here to vent to, and we've all done our fair share of pandering and being played, so we don't want it to happen to a fellow tattler! Sending all the love

 

[Lalalalaaaaaa85]

I haven’t posted much in here since I first joined the thread when my 9 year relationship with my child’s father ended. I can’t remember if I said at the time but my work are paying for me to go to therapy to get over it and had a session today that I thought was worth sharing with this group.

I was love bombed and then emotionally abused and one of the things I’m now scared of is not knowing if I can trust another man’s kindness in the future in case it’s love bombing. We discussed that issue for a while but then she said to me something that I hadn’t even considered so thought I’d share.

She said don’t tell the new man you’re dating the full story of your past relationships. If you tell them everything you put up with and how you let someone treat you you are more likely to end up being treated the same way as you’ve shown them what they can get away with. She said only once you know a man and know their true intentions and their true character can you open up if you choose to but you don’t owe men you’re dating the details of your past relationships.

Some of you might already live by that rule but I hadn’t even considered it! I’m not in the mental space to date again yet anyway but when I imagined dating I always thought I’d be open and honest about my last relationship and I’m now realising I should guard myself a bit more.