Dating after lockdown #15 new year, new dates

[wafflesnwings]

I've recently come across this thread and wanted to share my experience. I've never really talked about my personal life before - guess I just feel too embarrassed about it because sometimes I feel so lonely that I cry. I've been single for most of my life - I'm in my 30s, focused on having a successful career, building a life for myself that brings me purpose etc. I've dated a lot, mostly on apps and my experiences have been like so many of yours. Time wasters, sex-crazed men, liars and men who ghost/are emotionally unstable. I'm someone who's very shy and anxious (I grew up being told that I was fat and ugly by family members for years; it's something I'm still unlearning) so I find it hard to go out out to meet someone or do in-person dating. I remember one guy saying that I had such a beautiful face, but a fat body and that was why he didn't want to go out with me. It was so hurtful to hear and tbh I'm glad I never dated him. It's made me so self-conscious ever since. I have only had one long-term relationship which ended really badly. He was a narcissist and so emotionally abusive; it knocked my confidence for a few years. Thanks to therapy I've been rebuilding my sense of self, learning about boundaries and that sort of thing. Then the pandemic came and I was shielding by myself, which is when it all hit me: the pain of loneliness.
Most of my friends are married with children, whom I adore, and I get many people in my family asking and wondering if there's something wrong with me because I'm still single. I want to find a committed relationship that's loving and balanced, but I just don't know if it's going to happen to me or not. On the surface I lead a charmed life: a successful career, a good relationship with my family, I'm educated, have been lucky enough to travel a lot etc. but love just seems to evade me. I'm not sure if there was a point in this post. I've been thinking and feeling all of this for a long time and wondering what's wrong with me, why it's so hard to be in a committed relationship etc.

 

[Losa53]

i hope you’re doing okay, i’ve been thinking of you

don’t be worried and do it completely at your own pace! there’s no rush for anything and only do it when you feel completely ready x

I'm good thanks, I went ahead with the abortion. Hardest decision but was the right one for my family.
I haven't heard from him at all which is a blessing and definitely staying off tinder haha

 

[HilaQueen]

Well, at least I appreciate that men are so blatantly open with their disapproval of human and women rights.
Who genuinely falls for these people? Their self-esteem must be SO low

 

[LaBlonde]

I've recently come across this thread and wanted to share my experience. I've never really talked about my personal life before - guess I just feel too embarrassed about it because sometimes I feel so lonely that I cry. I've been single for most of my life - I'm in my 30s, focused on having a successful career, building a life for myself that brings me purpose etc. I've dated a lot, mostly on apps and my experiences have been like so many of yours. Time wasters, sex-crazed men, liars and men who ghost/are emotionally unstable. I'm someone who's very shy and anxious (I grew up being told that I was fat and ugly by family members for years; it's something I'm still unlearning) so I find it hard to go out out to meet someone or do in-person dating. I remember one guy saying that I had such a beautiful face, but a fat body and that was why he didn't want to go out with me. It was so hurtful to hear and tbh I'm glad I never dated him. It's made me so self-conscious ever since. I have only had one long-term relationship which ended really badly. He was a narcissist and so emotionally abusive; it knocked my confidence for a few years. Thanks to therapy I've been rebuilding my sense of self, learning about boundaries and that sort of thing. Then the pandemic came and I was shielding by myself, which is when it all hit me: the pain of loneliness.
Most of my friends are married with children, whom I adore, and I get many people in my family asking and wondering if there's something wrong with me because I'm still single. I want to find a committed relationship that's loving and balanced, but I just don't know if it's going to happen to me or not. On the surface I lead a charmed life: a successful career, a good relationship with my family, I'm educated, have been lucky enough to travel a lot etc. but love just seems to evade me. I'm not sure if there was a point in this post. I've been thinking and feeling all of this for a long time and wondering what's wrong with me, why it's so hard to be in a committed relationship etc.

i feel like i wrote this - i understand completely where you’re coming from i have moments where i just can’t see it happening for me either, or wondering what i’m doing wrong as my dating experiences never seem to be the same or as easy as everyone else’s. it’s rare if people actually message me back on apps! i had a huge confidence knock last year and it’s also made me pretty bitter in that i’m not in the right headspace to hear about how well and fun my friends’ dating lives are going, which is awful on my part. i wonder frequently about what type of old person i will be and what my life will be like.

the only thing i can truly say though, from my heart, is that neither you or i are defined by our relationships with men. we’re much more than that. we’re daughters, sisters, friends, supportive co-workers. we are our hobbies, our interests, the things that inspire us. you are what you love, not who loves you. it IS hard, i know that believe me, when a thing that seems to happen naturally to other people just doesn’t work for you, but i think making yourself the happiest you can be is incredibly important. the most important relationship you’ll ever have is with yourself.

it sounds like you have a lovely life and are a lovely person, a man would be lucky to share that with you.

 

[LaBlonde]

I spent some time today rage swiping just to deal with some of my nervous energy. Please tell me I’m not the only one who spends a lot of time exclaiming things like, ‘no Gary, you’re not 32!’ while flicking through Tinder.

same “the app set you at the wrong age eh, gary? a likely story!” “put your tongue back in your mouth pete, it doesn’t make you look as wacky and fun as you think it does”

i also find a lot of guys incredibly aggressive about their kids. like “i have a beautiful princess and SHE WILL ALWAYS COME FIRST IF YOU CAN’T DEAL WITH THAT THEN JOG ON” - like i fully expect your children to come first, why are you yelling like we’re already in an argument about this?

 

[Bloody orange Hell]

I think he knows I wouldn't take that threat seriously about pushing me down the stairs. He just doesn't think about what he saying until he said it. He probably try reaching out to me saying he ashamed of his behaviour. I'm surprised he hasn't called me today as he knew the consultation was today

Yes going through BPAS they have been super friendly so far.

I mean this very gently and kindly, but don’t make excuses for him. Please.

He threatened to push you down the stairs (so you’d have a miscarriage)
He told your kids without your permission and to cause trouble. (and has upset them)
He is being spiteful and dishonest - lying to you and other women
He is giving off very unpredictable and unstable vibes.

He does know what he is saying. Very few people don’t know what they are saying. He might not think about it properly. He might not care if he is intimidating. He might not want to behave like an adult. But he could if he wanted to.

Don’t excuse his behaviour, lovey. You deserve so much better and need to be careful of this man. He’s really unpleasant.

 

[Thank(space)you]

It’s slim pickings isn’t it ladies?

Early thread title nomination

 

[it’s not been changed?!]

Mildly funny story to tell. I got a super like on bumble and I swiped him back to match. His ONLY 2 photos looked familiar… we’d matched before.
We messaged for a bit and then I didn’t bother replying. This was on Xmas eve. Then I get a WhatsApp from him! His WhatsApp pic was one of his bumble pics which was him in shorts looking out to the sea (his other bumble pic was him wearing sunglasses, so you can’t really tell what he looked like). He still had the previous WhatsApp chat and it was from 2018/2019! I’d obviously deleted the chat and I don’t recall chatting to him on WhatsApp. He lives in the Cayman Islands, but was home for Xmas, so not sure why he was only bumble if it’s a flying visit back to the uk. Anyway, again, I didn’t reply to his WhatsApp because I was busy with family on Christmas Day etc and tbh, I knew nothing would come of it since he lives overseas. I’ve just gone back to look at his bumble profile and he’s added more photos and he looks like lurch from the Addams family he sunglass-fished me!

 

[TillyMiffin]

Christ! So after a great date, some things cropped up & I’ve said I’m not interested in seeing him again, am being too harsh?
Before the date he told me he still lives with his ex, he said that they split up in September, Told me it was a lockdown relationship (they’d moved in together in a rush etc)
He kept assuring me it was all over with his ex, they were just housemates and he’s trying to move out.
So last night I had a look at his fb, (as you do) and found that he’d posted a pic of them together in September (when they were meant to be split up) saying ‘I love you!!’.
He did say that they’d tried again in November and there were pics of them at a gig in November.
ALSO, there was a pic where he mentioned “so I’m marrying a nutter” or something and it turned out they were engaged!
Given the fact he didn’t tell me they were engaged, that they only split up in November and that they still live together, I’ve called it off
I ignored red flags in the past to my cost! Do you guys think I’ve done the right thing??

 

[Thank(space)you]

I try to think of it as redirection not rejection. You're being redirected towards something better.

 

[Pixipoppy]

Back on the godforsaken apps. Here are reasons I’ve unmatched in the last 24 hours:

Spelt my name wrong

Said “hi how are u?” Learn to type properly you’re 29

Said “hello you” wtf ew

Very quickly asked for my Instagram

Asked me what I was wearing to the gym (as I said I was about to go to the gym)

Made a joke that he had already used on his profile - get some new material

Used the winking emoji more than once

 

[Bagpuss7]

I think it is especially concerning that he told the children about the pregnancy.

Especially the younger one that longs for a younger sibling. And then the "pushing down the stairs" comment.

Surely, any adult would know that this messes the children up? How are they going to deal with this loss?

In my view, telling the children was the cruelest thing and I hate him for it despite not even knowing him. Such a messed up person.

Whilst my heart goes out to her, her story continues to confirm all the things that make me wary of these men we meet on these apps. It takes time to get to know a person and sometimes we are too trusting and allow them to have access to us and all the things we hold dear too soon.


My home is my safe place. Too many men are quick to invite themselves into it and much as I'm tempted at times I've learnt that it's not a good thing and very very few come here. One guy was 'offended' when I said no to him popping round for a coffee, he did the whole you can trust me etc. That's a decision I make not him and I told him so. He wasn't after a coffee as his quick exit from my life proved after I dared to say no to him!

We continue to learn from each other on here and that's always a good thing.

Just wanted to add that in 5 years of dating my child has only met 1 man out of all the many I've dated. I just don't allow them near him. That's just me, it's bad enough they mess my head up but I protect my child at all cost.

 

[TillyMiffin]

Hi all!
So after my Mr overly keen (talking of marriage, said I was his soul mate after a week) I left the dating apps. However I met someone at a mutual friends birthday do in early November and spent all evening/morning (after party) chatting to him but nothing came of it. Next day he messaged me and said he could feel a vibe but had just split up with his GF and was still living in her flat. So we agreed
to shelve anything ‘romantic’. Chatted a bit over Christmas and he messaged me on Monday to ask me for a drink as he’s now moved out of his exes place. He’s 45, I’m 52. He’s attractive, my type (beardy, into music, funny, etc) so I’m meeting him this aft. Wish me luck all!
Xx

 

[candyland_]

Thanks for checking on me darling and Hi gang.

Things with me are good. Me and D worked things through and are very loved up. I think when you get to our ages 47 & 51, you have so much baggage. I know we’re not going to let this go, it’s too special.
Hope you guys are all ok and happy. xxx

Not after he dumped you on Christmas Eve..!? Be careful with him.. You said he doesn’t see his kids (?) and there was a couple of red flags. Go easy until he proves himself.. he may drop you again!

 

[Delihla]

A while after the ‘we’re definitely exclusive’ chat, I’ve suddenly had ‘I don’t want to be in a relationship ever again’ thrown at me, and then he proceeded to be utterly confusing for an hour.

He was also absurdly attentive and publicly affectionate the next day (eg holding hands which we never do) as if to reassure me he was still there/clinging on for dear life. Because he doesn’t want a relationship but only wants to see me

My self-preservation instinct is I just walk away now. However much I don’t want to. What do you think?

What he is ‘offering’ is:

- we’re only seeing each other (this was established ages ago) and are committed but he doesn’t want there to be expectations or demands on his time

- no label eg bf/gf but he is my ‘person’ and vice versa and we’re ‘together’.

I’m actually ok with this - I don’t need a label to feel secure but it’s like he can’t believe I’m being genuine, together is enough for me, and so he freaked out a bit when he was talking about this, flipping from ‘that’s so hot’ to ‘I just want to be able to be totally selfish without risking hurting anyone’

- no marriage, kids or living together (last one maybe eventually) - all things I don’t want to do again anyway. I just like and wanted him as he is

That IS a relationship though, isn’t it? Or frustratingly it is the version of a relationship that I actually want. I just can’t get past the idea that his ‘I don’t want a relationship’ has, as it almost always does, ‘with you’ at the end of it. When actually, I think a non-labelled, non defined relationship is still a relationship.

I also became very aware while mulling it all over that the ones who play the ‘I don’t want a relationship’ / ‘this isn’t a relationship’ card end up being the ones who get all the comfort and perks of one, while the other is always on a knife edge because they’ve not been ‘promised’ anything. I’m not sure I’m good with that.

So, walk away, or give it a few more patient weeks and see where I’m/we’re at and decide then?

Walk away. Do not give it a “few more patient weeks”, that alone says you want more or something different than what he is actually offering. You summed it up in your last paragraph. He gets ALL of the benefits of a relationship, while you miss out on actually being with a man who will commit to you wholeheartedly. Dont be in a relationship with a man who’s single. This is bad, very bad. Put him in the bin.

Or….if you want to play the game. Agree. Continue seeing him. But revoke your exclusivity and be vague on where you are some nights Watch him have a meltdown . Make no mistake though lovely, you are single right now.

 

[Pixipoppy]

I would love to get your wisdom/advice on this ladies…

The guy I’m dating would really like us to move in together next month. Which honestly I think would be so amazing, I’ve never lived with a boyfriend before and I really feel in love with him. However, I currently rent with a very close friend of mine who I feel would be very hurt if I left before our tenancy ended. I agreed with my bf that I would continue to pay the lease on my current place until the tenancy ended so as to not put my friend in a difficult position of having to find someone else to take over. But I do genuinely feel really guilty about the prospect of leaving, I don’t want to ruin my friendship with this person. At the same time, I don’t want to upset my partner and would really love to take our relationship to the next stage. What would you all do in this situation?

Edit: is it also too soon to live with someone after just over 2 months?

When is your tennancy up? Personally 2 months is too soon, I’d say 6 months to a year minimum to move in but I am quite cautious anyway. I think the best way would be to stay for the remainder of the tenancy (assuming it’s sometime next year) and then move in with your boyfriend after that. Take it from me breaking up with someone that you live with is soooo much harder, and it definitely pays to take things slowly. After 2 months you are still in a very loved up stage and probably not quite thinking straight lol.

 

[NoseyNiamh]

I have been trying to follow all the posts on this but they are so long and I'm lost.
I hope everyone is getting the support they need from these threads as they were a life saver for me.
I'm still having my little January fling and it has been amazing and exactly what I needed.
When the new thread starts I will try and follow all the posts a bit better.

 

[Bloody orange Hell]

I know it’s a case of having it too good, but has anyone else encountered guys that would be…well, too nice? I have matched with this one, he actually wrote to me first, he is so polite and sweet but I can’t help but get mother’s boy vibes from him? Obviously, if I had to choose between him and the sit-on-my-face-guy, I would go for the former, but I’m a bit bored, I’m afraid. I always want a little bit of razzmatazz!

I’m going to repeat an anecdote I read on another forum. A poster described a man she had started dating who was really nice, kind thoughtful, generous etc. But when he climaxed….he would call out Whoops-a-daisy. Every. Single Time.

I mean, once is bad enough, but if you knew it was going to happen, it’d put you right off.

She dumped him. Said that was the only reason but she just couldn’t cope with it.

 

[candyland_]

I’d be thinking did he shower.. are his clothes clean.. what states his house and mental health gonna be in and most importantly.. there’s no way I would want to suck his cock.

 

[Lovethesun]

I have got dating fatigue ! I’ve never posted here before either . I don’t even get that little heart race Adrenalin rush when someone I like messages me I just cba . Miss that feeling when their name flashes up on your phone . Now I get nothing ……. Think I’m just numb to it all or a sociopath

Edit to add …… I’ve been actively dating since June last year . I’ve been ghosted countless times . I’ve ghosted people myself I’m better now at being honest & saying I’m not feeling it . Ive been on so many dates that I just wasn’t feeling & I’ve no enthusiasm to speak to any men ! I just don’t care anymore ……… plus to the ladies that question if they haven’t messaged back in a day . bin them off , in a whole day they can send a quick message if they are interested . Don’t fall for shit excuses & flakiness , tell them to piss off & move on .