Coping with Teenage Behaviour/Depression

[LowCalCalzoneZone]

I've started this thread because I'm at a bit of a loss as to what to do next -

This week my teenage daughter has just shut down completely, refused to engage with me or my husband, says she hates schools, hates being at home, just wants to be with her friends. She had a similar period during lockdown when she was struggling, but has been doing better since then. But just this week, it's like a switch has been flicked and I have a completely different daughter and I don't know what to do next.

I've been chatting to the school to try and help, but I'm terrified she's about to drop out completely. She's just refusing to talk to us at all now and I'm struggling to work out how to help her

 

[Snippysnips]

Having went through this myself as a teen, an my cousins kid going through this, is there anyway you can take her out for a week? What my mum done an my cousin was we had a week where we just done things to help the mind, we went to a yoga class in the morning one day, spent another day just walking round town an had a bite to eat (not top restaurants or anything just like a McDonald's) managed to book a cheap massage one day as well, another day we just went for a walk someplace nice, it helped us to talk about it because we weren't in environments that were maybe causing it to worsen, that one week definitely helped us, it gave us a break an getting out to different places helped stopped us from feeling like it was school an then home then sleep an repeat, my cousins kid has therapy through the school now which helps but there was nothing like that when I was a kid, MH just wasn't talked about back then an no one dared mention depression either, but that one week I got with my mum did help an I was able to talk more about how I was feeling which let her know how best to help me

 

[LowCalCalzoneZone]

Having went through this myself as a teen, an my cousins kid going through this, is there anyway you can take her out for a week? What my mum done an my cousin was we had a week where we just done things to help the mind, we went to a yoga class in the morning one day, spent another day just walking round town an had a bite to eat (not top restaurants or anything just like a McDonald's) managed to book a cheap massage one day as well, another day we just went for a walk someplace nice, it helped us to talk about it because we weren't in environments that were maybe causing it to worsen, that one week definitely helped us, it gave us a break an getting out to different places helped stopped us from feeling like it was school an then home then sleep an repeat, my cousins kid has therapy through the school now which helps but there was nothing like that when I was a kid, MH just wasn't talked about back then an no one dared mention depression either, but that one week I got with my mum did help an I was able to talk more about how I was feeling which let her know how best to help me

Thanks, this is helpful. At the moment we're at a point where she doesn't even want to be in the same room as us, but I'm hoping a few weeks of getting into a routine might help a bit

It's just very scary as she's just seems to have shut down communication completely

 

[Snippysnips]

Thanks, this is helpful. At the moment we're at a point where she doesn't even want to be in the same room as us, but I'm hoping a few weeks of getting into a routine might help a bit

It's just very scary as she's just seems to have shut down communication completely

Unfortunately we all go through it differently so can't really offer a ton of help, but as much as some of us want to be alone it's really the worst thing for us, I'd say give it a day an then maybe try step in, the longer you are alone the harder it becomes an you will want to stop it before it becomes like that, are there any hobbies she's maybe seemed intrested in? Or clubs? Maybe introducing her to a art or craft club or sports club might help, I've know of some that's took up things like martial arts to help, an I took up art, my cousins kid also took up art an is now thinking of going to collage with it

Other little things might help too that don't require talking but gets her to be with you, maybe put on a little movie night an let her know she can come down, get some popcorn an just put a film on, that way she doesn't have to talk but shes in your company

 

[LowCalCalzoneZone]

Unfortunately we all go through it differently so can't really offer a ton of help, but as much as some of us want to be alone it's really the worst thing for us, I'd say give it a day an then maybe try step in, the longer you are alone the harder it becomes an you will want to stop it before it becomes like that, are there any hobbies she's maybe seemed intrested in? Or clubs? Maybe introducing her to a art or craft club or sports club might help, I've know of some that's took up things like martial arts to help, an I took up art, my cousins kid also took up art an is now thinking of going to collage with it

Other little things might help too that don't require talking but gets her to be with you, maybe put on a little movie night an let her know she can come down, get some popcorn an just put a film on, that way she doesn't have to talk but shes in your company

Yeah, I'm just making sure the lines of communication are open for her when she decides she doesn't hate me

Tbh, it's just reassuring knowing that it's not forever and they grow out of it eventually. It's just knocked me for six a bit this week

 

[Snippysnips]

Yeah, I'm just making sure the lines of communication are open for her when she decides she doesn't hate me

Tbh, it's just reassuring knowing that it's not forever and they grow out of it eventually. It's just knocked me for six a bit this week

You're doing all the right things an it will get better, it will seem hard but it does end an as you get older you do start to find ways to not let yourself get so deep in it

Hugs to you, it gets better

 

[shadowcat5]

I've started this thread because I'm at a bit of a loss as to what to do next -

This week my teenage daughter has just shut down completely, refused to engage with me or my husband, says she hates schools, hates being at home, just wants to be with her friends. She had a similar period during lockdown when she was struggling, but has been doing better since then. But just this week, it's like a switch has been flicked and I have a completely different daughter and I don't know what to do next.

I've been chatting to the school to try and help, but I'm terrified she's about to drop out completely. She's just refusing to talk to us at all now and I'm struggling to work out how to help her

I had depression as a teenager. I don’t really have much advice but try to validate her feelings. Explain you understand she’s hurting/scared/anxious and you just want her to know you’re there for her and you won’t be angry or judge. Do you think you could do something together just you two? Something low pressure like an activity. Get her out and about and she might start talking to you and it’ll help her by being out of her room.

 

[candyland_]

I have people close to me that can shut down like this. I know it’s hard but I would respect her needing space right now, tell her she can talk to you and you are there for her.

 

[Slothgang]

I have suffered depression on and off since being a teenager too. Its hard to describe how to support someone as I know it may different for everyone. I usually pull myself out of a dip after a week or so. Ide suggest letting her take time off school if she wants to, let her know you are there to talk to etc and get her some of her favourite treats, anything that might encourage some self care, facemask, bubble bath, new book etc.
Also worth having a think if there is anything hormonal that may be contributing. If she can notice patterns herself then it will help her a lot in the future. For example I get really really down for a few days before my period is due. It helps to recognise the cycle because you can tell yourself your brain is playing tricks etc. Also the contraceptive pill can affect you (if that is relevant).
Good luck i really don't envy teenagers in this day and age must be so hard for them.

 

[LowCalCalzoneZone]

Thanks for the advice everyone - it's really helpful. Just hoping next week will be a bit better

 

[rainbowlemon]

Maybe finding an art/ regular therapist could help?

I liked snippets idea. One hour outside with no expectations to talk.

Get her a notebook to write messages to you. For things she can’t say directly.

 

[Megansnarkle]

I've started this thread because I'm at a bit of a loss as to what to do next -

This week my teenage daughter has just shut down completely, refused to engage with me or my husband, says she hates schools, hates being at home, just wants to be with her friends. She had a similar period during lockdown when she was struggling, but has been doing better since then. But just this week, it's like a switch has been flicked and I have a completely different daughter and I don't know what to do next.

I've been chatting to the school to try and help, but I'm terrified she's about to drop out completely. She's just refusing to talk to us at all now and I'm struggling to work out how to help her

How old is she? The timing suggests that this may be going back to school-related. The worst thing I found as a teenager was feeling like I had no choice ahead of me but to stay at the same school with the same people. Make sure she knows that there are options and that she has some agency.

 

[LowCalCalzoneZone]

How old is she? The timing suggests that this may be going back to school-related. The worst thing I found as a teenager was feeling like I had no choice ahead of me but to stay at the same school with the same people. Make sure she knows that there are options and that she has some agency.

College is an option so we've been chatting about that as a possibility and I'm not putting any pressure on her to go in if she's not feeling up to it

Yeah, I remember feeling the same. It's so tough isn't it

 

[butterfliesandhurricanes]

I don’t have kids but I do have depression. So sorry she is going through this. If you’re unable to talk to her fully right now then i would write her a letter. Write everything you want to say, just letting her know you are there whenever she needs. Just something to reassure her she isn’t alone. It sounds like you are super supportive and loving so I really hope she starts to feel herself again

 

[Blowup80]

Hi. I have first hand experience with this. My daughter is 14 and we have been dealing with mental health issues since she was 9. She suffers from Depression, has self harmed and also suffers badly with Anxiety. She has a councillor at school, she has had one since junior school. Recently we have managed to get a CAHMS referral through the doctor as we all need support. She can come home from school and sleep for 2 days, I have to remind her to wash, won't speak, cries all the time and I have to let her be off school a few days, I am very open with the school and they know what is going on. It's at the point now I can see the signs off an episode a day or so before so can prepare for it. She can also be very hurtful to us and says stuff that cuts you with a knife but we have realise it isn't her and she is distraught when she realises how she has been. I hope your daughter is okand itight just be hormonal, worried about going back to school or may be something she doesn't wish to talk about. It's best to just be gentle and remind them you are there to help and listen if needed. Also try look after yourself as it's really hard on you as a parent as you have no control over the situation. Hope you ok

 

[LowCalCalzoneZone]

Hi. I have first hand experience with this. My daughter is 14 and we have been dealing with mental health issues since she was 9. She suffers from Depression, has self harmed and also suffers badly with Anxiety. She has a councillor at school, she has had one since junior school. Recently we have managed to get a CAHMS referral through the doctor as we all need support. She can come home from school and sleep for 2 days, I have to remind her to wash, won't speak, cries all the time and I have to let her be off school a few days, I am very open with the school and they know what is going on. It's at the point now I can see the signs off an episode a day or so before so can prepare for it. She can also be very hurtful to us and says stuff that cuts you with a knife but we have realise it isn't her and she is distraught when she realises how she has been. I hope your daughter is okand itight just be hormonal, worried about going back to school or may be something she doesn't wish to talk about. It's best to just be gentle and remind them you are there to help and listen if needed. Also try look after yourself as it's really hard on you as a parent as you have no control over the situation. Hope you ok

Thank you. It sounds like you are doing the right things and your daughter is well looked after. I hope you are ok and looking after yourself too

 

[Blowup80]

Hey @LowCalCalzoneZone how are things?

 

[LowCalCalzoneZone]

Hey @LowCalCalzoneZone how are things?

Hey, things are a bit up and down still, but we're doing a bit better I think. At the moment it's just trying to take it day by day. She's engaging with us a bit more so that's something

I'm just scared I'm going to do or say something that will upset everything again and we'll be back at square one

 

[teabob]

Hey, things are a bit up and down still, but we're doing a bit better I think. At the moment it's just trying to take it day by day. She's engaging with us a bit more so that's something

I'm just scared I'm going to do or say something that will upset everything again and we'll be back at square one

This is a good resource for understanding teenagers that I found useful for communicating with mine

https://inourplace.co.uk/understanding-your-teenagers-brain/

Due to brain development and massive changes, it’s normal for teenagers to be really defensive and see normal conversations as a threat. They also have difficulty reading facial expressions so it can be a good idea to have chats in the car where they can’t see your face . There are lots of videos on YouTube if you search teenage brain development. This is a good one;

 

[LowCalCalzoneZone]

This is a good resource for understanding teenagers that I found useful for communicating with mine

https://inourplace.co.uk/understanding-your-teenagers-brain/

Due to brain development and massive changes, it’s normal for teenagers to be really defensive and see normal conversations as a threat. They also have difficulty reading facial expressions so it can be a good idea to have chats in the car where they can’t see your face . There are lots of videos on YouTube if you search teenage brain development. This is a good one;

Ah, thank you. Will have a watch later

That's interesting what you say about facial expressions because she's been a lot more engaged when she's called me on the phone rather than chatting in-person

I know it sounds pretty basic, but the NHS guide on coping with teens really calmed me down yesterday when I was getting stressed and just had some simple pointers

Edit here's the link if anyone might find it useful

Coping with your teenager

Information and advice for parents on dealing with their teenager, including what changes children go through in their teenage years, and how to deal with challenging teenage behaviour.

www.nhs.uk