Coparenting advice.

Gossgirl12 · Jan 7, 2023

Sorry, its so long.
I broke up with sons dad around 2 years ago, we have an 8 year old son. His dad is quite a difficult man and could definitely be described as a narcissist. Our son usually goes to his dad's every Saturday until the Sunday, he's always enjoyed his time there as far as I can tell however his dad hasn't had a phone in around 2 months so the only time they speak aside from on the weekend is a few times a week over the xbox. I can see their relationship changing in terms of my son doesn't really seem bothered if he sees/speaks to his dad or not. His dad lives in a shared house so when he goes there, they usually just sit in the one room playing games together, in nicer weather, they may go for a walk or out to play football. His dad doesn't provide financially at all, aside from birthday or Christmas presents. He doesn't work, nor does he drive. He lives 30 minutes away from me so I do all drop off and pick ups. The issue is that now my sons dad is blaming me for their lack of contact, the fact our son doesn't really want to interact with him when he's at our home. I've tried speaking to our son to explain how important it is to have a relationship with mum and dad but it doesn't change anything. We went shopping together this morning, to spend our sons Christmas money and they barely spoke to eachother the whole time we were out even if I tried to encourage conversation. I then left our son with him and will pick him up tomorrow. I came home to some emails from his dad (thats usually how we communicate) though I try to keep that to a minimum as I'm not really a fan of him although I keep things civil for our son. The emails say things along the lines of 'it's your fault he doesn't interact with me, your allowing my own son to treat me like a piece of tit' etc. I don't speak badly about his dad in front of him, the breakup was horrendous however all of this has been hidden from our son. Mine and my sons life is completely different, when I'm not in work, we're always out doing fun things together as I want him to have nice experiences as a child, other times he may spend some time on his xbox with his friends or we spend time with other mums and their children, a normal happy life however my son doesn't get this at his dad's and i can imagine it's quite boring for him. I want him to have a good relationship with his dad but in all honesty, I don't think it'll be very long before my son doesn't want to see him at all. It's almost like he doesn't exist regardless of how hard I try. I'm at a loss as to what to do or how to improve things. When I ask my son why he doesn't really speak to his dad, he says 'I don't have anything to talk about'. There's been times where he's missed going there some weekends due to illness etc and it doesn't seem to bother our son at all. Could anyone maybe advise what I should do please?

Megansnarkle · Jan 7, 2023

What do you want to do? Encourage your son to want to see his dad? Speak to him more? Advice know how to manage your ex? It's not clear from your post to be honest.

shadowcat5 · Jan 7, 2023

disclaimer: not a parent but my parents split up when I was your son’s age. Was a god awful split.

i don’t think there’s any more you can do. You can’t really do more than encourage him as best as you can and allow your son to be honest with his feelings. Your son is at an age where he has awareness and his own mind. He is aware that one house is different to the other. When I was his age I preferred my dad’s house because that was the only place I got any kind of engagement. My dad and I would watch tv, play games, go for walks etc. and he asked about school and showed interest in my life.
My dad wasn’t perfect but he was at least interested. my mum wasn’t.

Could you call his bluff and say “okay, how much more time do you want?” Im just thinking if he’s not interested he’s not going to take you up on the offer but at least you can show your son you’re willing?
Realistically, it’s on him to make an effort. It’s easier to blame you cause then he doesn’t have to face the reality of his absence.

Rxt156 · Jan 7, 2023

You seem to be doing all that you can. Not sure what else you can do. You can’t force a relationship with your child and ex. It’s up to him to do the relationship building. Tbh it seems like the dad is annoyed that the relationship between father and son isn’t great and he’s blaming you when it’s not your fault

candyland_ · Jan 7, 2023

His dad need to sort himself out. Your son can probably see how much your provide for him (not just material items but his own home/lots of attention etc) and is likely to see his dad as a bit of a loser. Maybe if he got a phone and a job your son would be more willing to go because the contact would be more regular and he wouldn’t be stuck in one room.

Tell him you’ve done everything you can and the buck falls to him.

Gossgirl12 · Jan 8, 2023

Megansnarkle said:
What do you want to do? Encourage your son to want to see his dad? Speak to him more? Advice know how to manage your ex? It's not clear from your post to be honest.

I want my son to want actual contact with his dad though I don't want to force him to do something he doesn't want to do. I've encouraged it as much as I can but my son is very forward thinking and in my mind is a lot older than 8 mentally. He definitely knows what he wants and likes to stick to it. Boys and stubbornness I guess but he's also such a loving, caring, sweet little boy. It's annoying that I'm being blamed for this, his dad doesn't think I've done anything to encourage their relationship but I feel like I'm doing my best. I don't want them to go a few years or so without seeing eachother or to lose their relationship at all if I'm honest as if it was the other way around, it would kill me like I imagine it's hurting his dad. Just at a loss of things I could to do to encourage it even further I guess. Thank you for your comment.

HoGi · Jan 8, 2023

Your ex has your son every weekend all weekend? When do you and your son get to do weekend things together other than school holidays?

I winder whether seeing his dad every weekend and doing the same thing every weekend is making it boring for your son. Most parents I know who share custody it is every other weekend. Maybe a bit of distance will make him appreciate time with his dad more?

I am inclined to agree with another poster though that he probably sees his dad as a bit of a loser and if he had a job and a phone he may respect him a bit more.

Gossgirl12 · Jan 8, 2023

HoGi said:
Your ex has your son every weekend all weekend? When do you and your son get to do weekend things together other than school holidays?

I winder whether seeing his dad every weekend and doing the same thing every weekend is making it boring for your son. Most parents I know who share custody it is every other weekend. Maybe a bit of distance will make him appreciate time with his dad more?

I am inclined to agree with another poster though that he probably sees his dad as a bit of a loser and if he had a job and a phone he may respect him a bit more.

He goes there saturday early afternoon to sunday early afternoon, that way me and my son get to do something together every sunday. I also only work 4 days so we'll go swimming or to the cinema or something after school on my day off. Its always worked out for us that way I guess. There has also been a few times lately though that he's not gone there on a weekend at all for various reasons so of course i'll do something with him then too. I think hes quite embarrased about his dad not having a job unfortunately due to little comments hes made before. Its sad really. Im always over compensating for the fact his dad doesnt really do anything with him or take him anywhere because i want to ensure he has new experiences and has a fun childhood. When I pick him up shortly, I'll have a conversation with him as I feel like i need to get to the bottom of this. Thank you for your comment.

His dad need to sort himself out. Your son can probably see how much your provide for him (not just material items but his own home/lots of attention etc) and is likely to see his dad as a bit of a loser. Maybe if he got a phone and a job your son would be more willing to go because the contact would be more regular and he wouldn’t be stuck in one room.

Tell him you’ve done everything you can and the buck falls to him.

cried.

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I do agree with this comment. One thing my son has said to me previously is 'Mam, I hope I'm crieli'hke you when I'm older and not like dad'. And when I asked what he meant he said 'well you work really hard and give me such a nice life'. I[/QUOTE]

Megansnarkle · Jan 8, 2023

Gossgirl12 said:
He goes there saturday early afternoon to sunday early afternoon, that way me and my son get to do something together every sunday. I also only work 4 days so we'll go swimming or to the cinema or something after school on my day off. Its always worked out for us that way I guess. There has also been a few times lately though that he's not gone there on a weekend at all for various reasons so of course i'll do something with him then too. I think hes quite embarrased about his dad not having a job unfortunately due to little comments hes made before. Its sad really. Im always over compensating for the fact his dad doesnt really do anything with him or take him anywhere because i want to ensure he has new experiences and has a fun childhood. When I pick him up shortly, I'll have a conversation with him as I feel like i need to get to the bottom of this. Thank you for your comment.

Is there perhaps a hobby that your son could take up either on a Saturday afternoon or Sunday morning that his dad could take him to? Even better if it's something that they could both do (a martial art or similar)? That way it would get them out of the house, give them something to talk about and also an activity that is 'theirs'.

Gossgirl12 · Jan 8, 2023

Megansnarkle said:
Is there perhaps a hobby that your son could take up either on a Saturday afternoon or Sunday morning that his dad could take him to? Even better if it's something that they could both do (a martial art or similar)? That way it would get them out of the house, give them something to talk about and also an activity that is 'theirs'.

His dad isn't a very hands on dad in that respect, he refuses to travel to collect his son or bring him back, he doesn't have friends with children, they both like football so they do play that together however when I've suggested things in the past, his dad will say he'll only take him somewhere if I drive them there and back. So that goes against the point of them doing something together if you get what I mean. As I said, his dad is very difficult and is a 'my terms only' kind of man.

Rxt156 · Jan 8, 2023

Gossgirl12 said:
His dad isn't a very hands on dad in that respect, he refuses to travel to collect his son or bring him back, he doesn't have friends with children, they both like football so they do play that together however when I've suggested things in the past, his dad will say he'll only take him somewhere if I drive them there and back. So that goes against the point of them doing something together if you get what I mean. As I said, his dad is very difficult and is a 'my terms only' kind of man.

Oh wow what a bum he is. It’s not your responsibility to transport your ex around. Omg. I am shocked he is even suggesting that.

Gossgirl12 · Jan 8, 2023

Rxt156 said:
Oh wow what a bum he is. It’s not your responsibility to transport your ex around. Omg. I am shocked he is even suggesting that.

Unfortunately, he always needs his arse wiping for him. I could write a book about him honestly. As I said, not very hands on, doesn't provide financially, makes no effort at all for his child. He's a 37 year old man. Yet he has a go at me because apparently I put work before our son as I work 40 hours a week!

Lurker232323 · Mar 3, 2023

So last nigh SS came and told me my kids dad was sending pics to or of, minors. To someone else they’re really not allowed to elaborate and there goes 4 years of perfect co parenting. Obvs I’m happy to keep my kids away but he’s trying to commit suicide now he’s in an institution and my kids are going to be fucked up for life. What do I do. Who can I get support from Im scared this will affect them for life

I’m also feeling weird because who was this man I left my kids with? I’m struggling

I’m so protective of my babies they always come before anyone. I feel dirty and irresponsible and scared

lasttime · Mar 4, 2023

Lurker232323 said:
So last nigh SS came and told me my kids dad was sending pics to or of, minors. To someone else they’re really not allowed to elaborate and there goes 4 years of perfect co parenting. Obvs I’m happy to keep my kids away but he’s trying to commit suicide now he’s in an institution and my kids are going to be fucked up for life. What do I do. Who can I get support from Im scared this will affect them for life I’m also feeling weird because who was this man I left my kids with? I’m struggling I’m so protective of my babies they always come before anyone. I feel dirty and irresponsible and scared

Are ss not offering you any support with this? If it's come from them then I'd of thought they'd at least be willing. Could you also contact your gp and ask them for help? They might refer you for counselling which will help you process things

Jellybean093 · Mar 4, 2023

Lurker232323 said:
So last nigh SS came and told me my kids dad was sending pics to or of, minors. To someone else they’re really not allowed to elaborate and there goes 4 years of perfect co parenting. Obvs I’m happy to keep my kids away but he’s trying to commit suicide now he’s in an institution and my kids are going to be fucked up for life. What do I do. Who can I get support from Im scared this will affect them for life I’m also feeling weird because who was this man I left my kids with? I’m struggling I’m so protective of my babies they always come before anyone. I feel dirty and irresponsible and scared

I don’t have much to say apart from this is not your fault. You are not irresponsible for allowing your kids to see their dad. You wasn’t to know. I hope you are all ok
How old are your children?

al255 · Aug 6, 2023

Needing some advice!!

Drop offs are a NIGHTMARE. It's long, so bare with me.

My daughter is 3.5, we've been co parenting since she was 1 year old. She knows the routine by now and is aware of it.

She REALLY doesn't like leaving me to go and spend time with her Dad, it's been ongoing for a while and I can't keep spending 15-30 mins trying to get her to go into her Dads house. It's getting to the point where she needs to be bribed to go in.

She's well aware of the routine, he comes to mine one night a week to see her after work and we will always say "daddy will see you on Friday after nursery, or Saturday to sleep at daddy's house" - whichever day it is.. she only sleeps there once a week as we split the weekend. We've always done this and it works for us.

I work part time so I have my daughter all day Wednesday and Thursdays and then Monday Tuesday & Friday, she's at nursery. Never have any issues dropping her off and it's not like we don't see each other or I don't get time with her that could be relating to her kicking off over leaving me.

For instance, this weekend, I told her it was time to go to Daddy s house, and she was screaming and crying saying "no mummy. I want to stay at your house".. I explained to her "that Daddy works all week and he doesn't get chance to spend time with you" and she said "I want to stay at mummy house, not go daddies house".. anyway, I got her in the car and she was crying. I told her Daddy was going to take her swimming and they would have fun.

I also told her she could video call me whenever she wanted to. She just needed to ask Daddy. (She often video calls me when she's there and it's fine, no tears etc).

When I dropped her off, she refused to get out of her car seat and she was crying. She asked me to go inside and it took her 15 minutes to calm down and stop crying.

She often says to me that Dads house is boring, and I've told her Dad that she says this and he's made an effort to do more things with her, but even when she knows they've got things planned, she still doesn't want to go.

I don't know what I am doing wrong with drop-offs.
There isn't really anyone who can do it for me because if it was my Dad (her Grandad), she would want to go with him and we would have the same problem she would want to go anywhere else apart from to her Dads.

Is it case of separation anxiety ?? - she doesn't want to go because she wants to spend time with me. I fill up her emotional cup as much as I can and like I said we have time during the week with each other and we always do fun things it's always been like this.

I tell her that I will be coming to get her tomorrow and she knows that I always will come back and get her because after lunchtime at her dads, she waits by the window for me and says "when is mummy coming?"..

I've wondered if it would make it easier if her dad came to my house and picked her up, but then I don't think she would go either, her dad comes to mine on a weeknight whilst I go to the gym and she asks to wait outside for me in the garden and she says to me "I love you mummy, see you soon" 🥹

I would love some advice on this because I can't continue with the emotional drop-offs because it makes me feel like I shouldn't send her even though when she's there and calmed down, she is fine. She says that she had fun when I pick her up so if she didn't like it, she would tell me she doesn't wanna go back. I've only been a parent for 3.5 years and a co parent for 2.5 so I'm new to all of this!!!

I was thinking, do I just put her on the doorstep of her dads and leave asap when he answers to make it less painful

just not a clue at the moment!!!

hol20x · Aug 6, 2023

al255 said:
Needing some advice!!

Drop offs are a NIGHTMARE. It's long, so bare with me.

My daughter is 3.5, we've been co parenting since she was 1 year old. She knows the routine by now and is aware of it.

She REALLY doesn't like leaving me to go and spend time with her Dad, it's been ongoing for a while and I can't keep spending 15-30 mins trying to get her to go into her Dads house. It's getting to the point where she needs to be bribed to go in.

She's well aware of the routine, he comes to mine one night a week to see her after work and we will always say "daddy will see you on Friday after nursery, or Saturday to sleep at daddy's house" - whichever day it is.. she only sleeps there once a week as we split the weekend. We've always done this and it works for us.

I work part time so I have my daughter all day Wednesday and Thursdays and then Monday Tuesday & Friday, she's at nursery. Never have any issues dropping her off and it's not like we don't see each other or I don't get time with her that could be relating to her kicking off over leaving me.

For instance, this weekend, I told her it was time to go to Daddy s house, and she was screaming and crying saying "no mummy. I want to stay at your house".. I explained to her "that Daddy works all week and he doesn't get chance to spend time with you" and she said "I want to stay at mummy house, not go daddies house".. anyway, I got her in the car and she was crying. I told her Daddy was going to take her swimming and they would have fun.

I also told her she could video call me whenever she wanted to. She just needed to ask Daddy. (She often video calls me when she's there and it's fine, no tears etc).

When I dropped her off, she refused to get out of her car seat and she was crying. She asked me to go inside and it took her 15 minutes to calm down and stop crying.

She often says to me that Dads house is boring, and I've told her Dad that she says this and he's made an effort to do more things with her, but even when she knows they've got things planned, she still doesn't want to go.

I don't know what I am doing wrong with drop-offs.
There isn't really anyone who can do it for me because if it was my Dad (her Grandad), she would want to go with him and we would have the same problem she would want to go anywhere else apart from to her Dads.

Is it case of separation anxiety ?? - she doesn't want to go because she wants to spend time with me. I fill up her emotional cup as much as I can and like I said we have time during the week with each other and we always do fun things it's always been like this.

I tell her that I will be coming to get her tomorrow and she knows that I always will come back and get her because after lunchtime at her dads, she waits by the window for me and says "when is mummy coming?"..

I've wondered if it would make it easier if her dad came to my house and picked her up, but then I don't think she would go either, her dad comes to mine on a weeknight whilst I go to the gym and she asks to wait outside for me in the garden and she says to me "I love you mummy, see you soon" 🥹

I would love some advice on this because I can't continue with the emotional drop-offs because it makes me feel like I shouldn't send her even though when she's there and calmed down, she is fine. She says that she had fun when I pick her up so if she didn't like it, she would tell me she doesn't wanna go back. I've only been a parent for 3.5 years and a co parent for 2.5 so I'm new to all of this!!!

I was thinking, do I just put her on the doorstep of her dads and leave asap when he answers to make it less painful just not a clue at the moment!!!

Sounds to me like she just really loves her mummy.

My daughter is 5 and when she sees her dad she can only be arsed for so long and then she's bored and wants me again. She doesn't stay over or anything, he can only manage a few hours on a Saturday.

But even that is more than enough for my daughter, she starts saying she wants me after half an hour. My mum might as well be her other parent cos she's with her while I work so she's more used to being with her than her dad. She'd 100% pick me and my mum over her dad if she was asked who she wanted to go to. My kid has special needs and her dad hasn't got a clue how to handle her and I think she knows this! Could it be that he doesn't listen to her so she gets frustrated being with him? X

al255 · Aug 7, 2023

hol20x said:
Sounds to me like she just really loves her mummy. My daughter is 5 and when she sees her dad she can only be arsed for so long and then she's bored and wants me again. She doesn't stay over or anything, he can only manage a few hours on a Saturday. But even that is more than enough for my daughter, she starts saying she wants me after half an hour. My mum might as well be her other parent cos she's with her while I work so she's more used to being with her than her dad. She'd 100% pick me and my mum over her dad if she was asked who she wanted to go to. My kid has special needs and her dad hasn't got a clue how to handle her and I think she knows this! Could it be that he doesn't listen to her so she gets frustrated being with him? X

Awwww thank you 🥹

it's hard isn't it, she says I'm her best friend

he's only started doing stuff with her really. It's just been boring and tbh I don't blame her for not wanting to go. Rinse and repeat!!! I think it's that she just thinks she will be sat inside not doing anything fun cos that's what she's used to.. he doesn't drive and there isn't "that" much to do round here. He took her swimming for the first time this weekend and she loved it..! He needs prompting to book stuff, it's just frustrating.

allthingschocolate · Aug 7, 2023

Oh it’s so damn hard co parenting I’m almost 6 years down the line with it and would like to say it gets easier it doesn’t really though I am learning to cope with it better! my ex is horrible and an awful dad to my daughter! he’s a true narcissist! my daughter came back from holiday yesterday evening after 2.5 weeks with him, she cried to me on the phone and wanted to come home after a week so he said of course you can go home but ask you mom to pay for the flights

anyway I said no and coaxed my daughter into staying, this is the same guy that didn’t ask for my permission in the first place for my daughter to miss the last day of school (I was fine with it as she had a half day) but still he didn’t officially ask me, everything is done via my daughter relaying messages to me

which ha wrong and not fair on her! he also never told me the dates he was retuning! Then I get a text of my daughter when she was en route home saying he wouldn’t drop her back to me last night as he’s been driving all day and can I pick her up

which is fine it’s only 20 mins but again no txt politely asking for if I could do this! Only to then find out from my daughter that he was literally 5 mins from my house and point blank refused to drop her off making deliberate detours on the way home that weren’t all that necessary

I have really had it up to here with him and his vile abusive games! So next year he will not be allowed to take her abroad and my Daughter has decided a week in the uk is more than enough as same thing happened last year and she wanted to come home as she had had enough of him/them after a week (she’s 14 for reference) and the struggle is real I tell you! Despite the emotional damage he is doing to my poor daughter unfortunately she won’t cut ties with him due to her half sibling who she adores! Sadly her dads wife is not a nice person and my daughter says she does not have a bond with her

definitely wanted to swing for my ex last night though so relieved to have my girl home

hol20x · Aug 7, 2023

al255 said:
Awwww thank you 🥹 it's hard isn't it, she says I'm her best friend he's only started doing stuff with her really. It's just been boring and tbh I don't blame her for not wanting to go. Rinse and repeat!!! I think it's that she just thinks she will be sat inside not doing anything fun cos that's what she's used to.. he doesn't drive and there isn't "that" much to do round here. He took her swimming for the first time this weekend and she loved it..! He needs prompting to book stuff, it's just frustrating.

Definitely sounds like he's not giving her enough entertainment so she's bored when she goes to his! It's the same with my ex, he doesn't drive and there's bugger all near where he lives so she's just stuck indoors with him and he only allows her to have a limited amount of toys out at once.

She has autism and he doesn't understand her little ways. It's so frustrating! She knows when she's with me that she can play with whatever she wants and we'll tidy it up before bedtime. Plus I take her places and do things with her!