Co-worker who does not understand social cues

[TheGlossy]

Hi all,

I'm in need of some advice.

I started my current job back in July 2020. To be fair, I'm not clicking with the company culture and the team is somewhat flat atmosphere-wise. We've been working remotely the whole time and I only met up with two colleagues (manager & another male coworker at my level once). This male other co-worker seems to have poor social skills, which is not an issue at all, but he his behavior has been bugging me since day 1 for a variety of reasons:

• When we started, he got involved in some of my matters that have nothing to do with him (e.g.: requesting information for me on how to have security create my work badge when I never asked him to or responding to emails addressed to me on my cases when I never asked him to).
• After that first meeting outside of work, he started texting me on WhatsApp during the weekend. He got my phone number through a team group chat my manager set up. I never gave him my number, yet he took the initiative to text me on a Saturday evening. I never responded. He then proceeded to ping me at 9am on Monday asking me whether I saw his text and why I didn't respond. He said he wanted to chat about "non-work related stuff". That's a no for me. If we haven't formed a strong friendship through work and I don't know you, it's a no - I'm not communicating with you after business hours.
• He often crams. If he has to present something, he pings me on Skype to ask me a bunch of questions at the last minute and then uses them to cover a topic he doesn't know anything about.
• He bombed my a portion of my project he volunteered to work on. He did the analysis incorrectly, when I flagged it to him, he said he doesn't have time to revise his work and left me hanging when the analysis was due on the same day by close of business.

Our company granted its employees over the world a day off yesterday to take a break and disconnect. This evening, around 9pm, this guy texts me a "Hey, how are you"? It's Saturday evening, after a company wide day off, it's still a day off! It's inappropriate. I'd like to enjoy my long weekend without being bothered by coworkers I'm not friends with. Why does he think it's OK to text me? Again, we're not work friends.

On one hand, I feel bad because he moved to Ireland during the pandemic and doesn't know a soul. Plus, he lives on his own, so he is probably trying to build a connection. However, he doesn't seem to be pestering the other members of my team this way. I'm not particularly interested in being his friend to be honest. He's probably a nice person, but I simply feel uncomfortable around him. I'm sure he's not contacting me for work-related purposes as we don't work on the same projects at the moment.

What should I do? I am planning on ignoring the text and respond at work via Skype on Monday.

 

[Jeronimo]

Keep up the boundaries as you mean to go on.... I wouldn’t reply!

 

[Sally1993]

I had an older male coworker who repeatedly texted me after working hours and at weekends. He lived alone and I don’t think he understood that people have their own lives and don’t want to be bothered. Well, anyway, I ignored all of his texts if they were out of hours and eventually he got the message and didn’t text anymore. Some people are a bit weird like that.

 

[Captainmouse]

Can you not direct him to his own team members?

 

[Kim Mild]

Block his number at weekends and unblock it on work days .

 

[carriebooboo]

I'm assuming you're a woman? He's being creepy and it's unacceptable. You are under no obligation to 'be nice' and oblige his overstepping. I'd have a quiet word with your manager: "Hey, something's bothering me. John has started texting me on my personal number outside of working hours. I never gave him my number and it's making me extremely uncomfortable. What's the best way to nip this in the bud?".

Then, every time 'John' texts you, follow up with your manager in an email: "Further to our conversation on June 1st, John texted me again last night on my personal number. I did not respond. To reiterate: it's making me uncomfortable." That way you have a record of it going forward.

 

[TheGlossy]

Can you not direct him to his own team members?

We're in the same team.

I'm assuming you're a woman? He's being creepy and it's unacceptable. You are under no obligation to 'be nice' and oblige his overstepping. I'd have a quiet word with your manager: "Hey, something's bothering me. John has started texting me on my personal number outside of working hours. I never gave him my number and it's making me extremely uncomfortable. What's the best way to nip this in the bud?".

Then, every time 'John' texts you, follow up with your manager in an email: "Further to our conversation on June 1st, John texted me again last night on my personal number. I did not respond. To reiterate: it's making me uncomfortable." That way you have a record of it going forward.

I agree, it is very creepy. The fact that he he blatantly said he wanted to chat about non-related matters, thus getting my number through the team group chat shows he doesn't have a clue. I'm not responding at all. He's got no business texting me on a Saturday at 9pm, especially after the company had set a company wide annual leave the day before to take a break from work (that also includes co-workers). I don't know where he got the idea that it's appropriate to text co-workers he's not friends with after business hours. I'm already not feeling the team and the company culture at all, but this is the cherry on top. I'm planning on either moving teams or companies altogether at some point. If it becomes a repeated pattern, I'll address it with my manager.

Block his number at weekends and unblock it on work days .

I'd like to do that, but that's too much work.

 

[LaurieLaurie]

I agree about logging it all. Ideally have a separate work phone?

 

[TheGreenBeanDemon]

Unfortunately I think you need to draw boundaries and say some not so easy things to say. Whenever you address and issue, try not to put negative emotion into it. You want to tell him something but not come across negatively. In other words, don’t give him any additional ammo to say negative things about you. Unfortunately I think the only way to get him to leave him alone is to ruffle his feathers a little. The fact that you are a woman and he is a guy adds another level to the awkwardness. He could be attracted to you. But he could be gay for all I know. But unfortunately when a woman becomes even a bit assertive in the workplace they can be thought of as a “witch.” So that’s another reason to talk to him with a positive attitude, IMO. Also, remember that he is the one making you uncomfortable and acting inappropriately.

First, I think you should ignore the after hours messages. If he asks you if you saw his text you can tell him yes. But don’t need to say anything more. If he asks why you didn’t respond, tell him you don’t talk about work or talk to coworkers on your time off. If he sends you a WhatsApp note during work hours, respond on official communication channels if his message applies to work. Mention in your reply that you want all work communication to go through work channels. Once again, you don’t need to make a big deal about it. Just mention it likes it’s not a big thing but you like to keep things official and this lets you know you only need to look at your work computer if you need to find things. Ignore non-work contact. Never respond on WhatsApp itself.

Don’t give him any more work on your projects if you can help it. If you have to use him, try to plan for him to screw up so you can clean up afterwards. If he asks for work, say that you have things covered. If he keeps screwing things up with your projects, then go t

Be on the alert for him to take credit for your work as he did during the meeting. If he doesn’t need to know something and he starts quizzing you, tell him that you have work to do.

If he steps over your toes again like he did with the ID Badge, tell him not to contact people on your behalf unless you specifically ask him to. If he says that “he’s just trying to help,” tell him something like “oh, don’t worry about me. I havethings handled and if I need help, I’ll be sure to ask someone.”

If you are “face to face” over video chat, state your boundaries with a smile. Do not to be emotionally negative about it. That’s to make sure he doesn’t have anything to complain about. It’s going to feel awkward, unfortunately. Remind yourself again that it is him causing the problem. It occurred to me that he could be neurodivergent (like being autistic) and doesn’t understand certain social rules. Or like you said he might be lonely and that’s why he is reaching out. It’s not your job to be his friend, however being kind in responses let’s everyone save face if he’s just trying to be micr

If the gentle corrections don’t work, you may need to become firmer and your responses or go to a manager.

Anyway, those are my two cents on the manner.

 

[Babysnark]

Unfortunately I think you need to draw boundaries and say some not so easy things to say. Whenever you address and issue, try not to put negative emotion into it. You want to tell him something but not come across negatively. In other words, don’t give him any additional ammo to say negative things about you. Unfortunately I think the only way to get him to leave him alone is to ruffle his feathers a little. The fact that you are a woman and he is a guy adds another level to the awkwardness. He could be attracted to you. But he could be gay for all I know. But unfortunately when a woman becomes even a bit assertive in the workplace they can be thought of as a “witch.” So that’s another reason to talk to him with a positive attitude, IMO. Also, remember that he is the one making you uncomfortable and acting inappropriately.

First, I think you should ignore the after hours messages. If he asks you if you saw his text you can tell him yes. But don’t need to say anything more. If he asks why you didn’t respond, tell him you don’t talk about work or talk to coworkers on your time off. If he sends you a WhatsApp note during work hours, respond on official communication channels if his message applies to work. Mention in your reply that you want all work communication to go through work channels. Once again, you don’t need to make a big deal about it. Just mention it likes it’s not a big thing but you like to keep things official and this lets you know you only need to look at your work computer if you need to find things. Ignore non-work contact. Never respond on WhatsApp itself.

Don’t give him any more work on your projects if you can help it. If you have to use him, try to plan for him to screw up so you can clean up afterwards. If he asks for work, say that you have things covered. If he keeps screwing things up with your projects, then go t

Be on the alert for him to take credit for your work as he did during the meeting. If he doesn’t need to know something and he starts quizzing you, tell him that you have work to do.

If he steps over your toes again like he did with the ID Badge, tell him not to contact people on your behalf unless you specifically ask him to. If he says that “he’s just trying to help,” tell him something like “oh, don’t worry about me. I havethings handled and if I need help, I’ll be sure to ask someone.”

If you are “face to face” over video chat, state your boundaries with a smile. Do not to be emotionally negative about it. That’s to make sure he doesn’t have anything to complain about. It’s going to feel awkward, unfortunately. Remind yourself again that it is him causing the problem. It occurred to me that he could be neurodivergent (like being autistic) and doesn’t understand certain social rules. Or like you said he might be lonely and that’s why he is reaching out. It’s not your job to be his friend, however being kind in responses let’s everyone save face if he’s just trying to be micr

If the gentle corrections don’t work, you may need to become firmer and your responses or go to a manager.

Anyway, those are my two cents on the manner.

I agree with all of this advice! I had someone (I didn't work with them but I had to contact them as part of my job) who kept contacting me at the weekends on my personal email address despite me only ever contacting them on a professional email about work. I only ever responded to the bits that were related to work, but over on the professional email account to make a blatant point to keep it there and told them that it was inappropriate to contact me for non work related matters. He got the message after that.

 

[FlipFlop0706]

Is it a work number? If it’s not than your manager will have surely broken GDPR by setting up a group chat with your personal number?

ignore his messages and explain situation to manager.If it is a work number then reminders that messages are solely for work purposes and will not be answered out of hours.

 

[Welshgal]

Have you made clear to him that you do not want to be contacted? Not just by ignoring but verbally?
I agree it’s inappropriate and eventually you should get someone from HR or a manager involved but before that I personally would give him the chance and tell him firmly but professional that you do not want any contact outside work. It’s an uncomfortable conversation to have but I would personally try it first, some people really are just quite clueless.

If he continues, then absolutely get someone else involved and continue to ignore!

 

[TheGlossy]

Unfortunately I think you need to draw boundaries and say some not so easy things to say. Whenever you address and issue, try not to put negative emotion into it. You want to tell him something but not come across negatively. In other words, don’t give him any additional ammo to say negative things about you. Unfortunately I think the only way to get him to leave him alone is to ruffle his feathers a little. The fact that you are a woman and he is a guy adds another level to the awkwardness. He could be attracted to you. But he could be gay for all I know. But unfortunately when a woman becomes even a bit assertive in the workplace they can be thought of as a “witch.” So that’s another reason to talk to him with a positive attitude, IMO. Also, remember that he is the one making you uncomfortable and acting inappropriately.

First, I think you should ignore the after hours messages. If he asks you if you saw his text you can tell him yes. But don’t need to say anything more. If he asks why you didn’t respond, tell him you don’t talk about work or talk to coworkers on your time off. If he sends you a WhatsApp note during work hours, respond on official communication channels if his message applies to work. Mention in your reply that you want all work communication to go through work channels. Once again, you don’t need to make a big deal about it. Just mention it likes it’s not a big thing but you like to keep things official and this lets you know you only need to look at your work computer if you need to find things. Ignore non-work contact. Never respond on WhatsApp itself.

Don’t give him any more work on your projects if you can help it. If you have to use him, try to plan for him to screw up so you can clean up afterwards. If he asks for work, say that you have things covered. If he keeps screwing things up with your projects, then go t

Be on the alert for him to take credit for your work as he did during the meeting. If he doesn’t need to know something and he starts quizzing you, tell him that you have work to do.

If he steps over your toes again like he did with the ID Badge, tell him not to contact people on your behalf unless you specifically ask him to. If he says that “he’s just trying to help,” tell him something like “oh, don’t worry about me. I havethings handled and if I need help, I’ll be sure to ask someone.”

If you are “face to face” over video chat, state your boundaries with a smile. Do not to be emotionally negative about it. That’s to make sure he doesn’t have anything to complain about. It’s going to feel awkward, unfortunately. Remind yourself again that it is him causing the problem. It occurred to me that he could be neurodivergent (like being autistic) and doesn’t understand certain social rules. Or like you said he might be lonely and that’s why he is reaching out. It’s not your job to be his friend, however being kind in responses let’s everyone save face if he’s just trying to be micr

If the gentle corrections don’t work, you may need to become firmer and your responses or go to a manager.

Anyway, those are my two cents on the manner.

Thank you.

Yes, I think he might be neuro-divergent. I didn't want to say this in the OP as I don't want people to think that I'm making assumptions. When we met that one time I mentioned in the OP, I sensed he had a hard time understanding some some social cues.

My fear is that me being assertive will lead to him complaining about me to the manager. I can already tell he is being favored by management as they keep assigning him projects despite his clear lack of competence. The management doesn't care much about me. I'm rarely staffed on additional projects and they all go to him, despite the fact he bombed some of them. Hence, I given the favoritism, I have to be careful.

That being said, he obviously cannot go ahead and complain to the management that I did not answer his WhatsApp message he sent me on a Saturday evening. I will therefore continue to ignore and keep communicating with him through work channels.

This is not a personal number, but a private number. The manager should have never added us to a group chat without our consent. In my previous company, we had a team group chat which used our personal numbers. The manager had specifically requested consent before setting up the group chat. The thing is, you would expect your co-workers to be decent and professional enough not to isolate your phone number found via the group chat to contact you personally.

I think he is confusing my niceness with more than what it actually is. I'm generally a nice person to work with and he probably took that as a sign. I'm sure he will ping me on Monday to ask whether I saw his message like he did the last time, but I think I will just say: "Yes, I did. However, I prefer to keep my communications with co-workers through work-channels only, not WhatsApp" and leave it at that. I need to be careful, because he sounds like the type of individual who could easily say I'm rude or bullying him when I'm not as he clearly doesn't understand social cues.

At this point, I'm just hoping he leaves me alone until I move internally or externally.

Have you made clear to him that you do not want to be contacted? Not just by ignoring but verbally?
I agree it’s inappropriate and eventually you should get someone from HR or a manager involved but before that I personally would give him the chance and tell him firmly but professional that you do not want any contact outside work. It’s an uncomfortable conversation to have but I would personally try it first, some people really are just quite clueless.

If he continues, then absolutely get someone else involved and continue to ignore!

I have and I have not yet. He told me via Skype he wanted to text to discuss non-work related stuff. I just ignored and never responded. So, I think he didn't understand that my silent meant I wasn't comfortable with that. I definitely need to be more firm next time.

I agree about logging it all. Ideally have a separate work phone?

Thank you. That's the plan. I'm getting my other phone fixed and I will have two separate numbers moving forward.

 

[TheGreenBeanDemon]

This is not a personal number, but a private number.

I think he is confusing my niceness with more than what it actually is. "Yes, I did. However, I prefer to keep my communications with co-workers through work-channels only, not WhatsApp" and leave it at that. I need to be careful, because he sounds like the type of individual who could easily say I'm rude or bullying him when I'm not as he clearly doesn't understand social cues.

Sorry, this is my first time quoting. The fact that it’s a private number? Yeah. That NEVER should have been released without permission.

I think you plan to address the WhatsApp going forward by keeping it on professional channels is best, especially given how he seems to have some sort of favoritism in his corner.

 

[usandthem]

It’s a weird situation to be in. To me it sounds like your colleague is trying to unsettle you and is playing mind games with you. If he is favoured by the management in your company despite being incompetent, he’s most likely threatened by the arrival of you. Your manager had broken HR rules by sharing your contact number without consent which has made the situation doubly weird for you. You can contact HR and have a chat with them as to how best to address this and kept logs of all communication out of hours/to your private number. What your colleague is doing to you is a mild form of harassment IMO, I think he’s trying to see how far he can push you.

You sound like a lovely woman, I would have blocked this guy on my phone after the first contact to be honest. You do not need to explain yourself to him.

 

[wakametango]

I'm assuming you're a woman? He's being creepy and it's unacceptable. You are under no obligation to 'be nice' and oblige his overstepping. I'd have a quiet word with your manager: "Hey, something's bothering me. John has started texting me on my personal number outside of working hours. I never gave him my number and it's making me extremely uncomfortable. What's the best way to nip this in the bud?".

Then, every time 'John' texts you, follow up with your manager in an email: "Further to our conversation on June 1st, John texted me again last night on my personal number. I did not respond. To reiterate: it's making me uncomfortable." That way you have a record of it going forward.

Agree I also think communication on our personal devices starts at the top. I told my head teacher I feel it’s an invasion of my privacy when work people text me, even when I’m off sick asking how I am. LEAVE ME ALONE. In the past when boundaries were blurred I have also blocked people from work calling me and only allowed to text me.
I am also sure that on WhatsApp, if you block people you can still send messages via a group. I refuse to be in work whatsapp groups though as it’s my personal device and won’t worry about what picture I put up so they can all F off (sorry I feel strongly about my mobile in relation to work!)

She set a new policy that said you can be in a group of you want but we must not message before 8am and after 6pm. You’re free to email (try to avoid late night and weekends) but do not expect a reply until next working day.

It shouldn’t be left among employers to thrash this out by themselves

You could ask if they have some kind of policy or protocol of communication outside of working hours to start the conversation, but agree with the advice above

Good luck

 

[TheGlossy]

Sorry, this is my first time quoting. The fact that it’s a private number? Yeah. That NEVER should have been released without permission.

I think you plan to address the WhatsApp going forward by keeping it on professional channels is best, especially given how he seems to have some sort of favoritism in his corner.

I agree. The issue is that no co-worker in their right mind would look up someone's number in a group chat to start texting them on a person level. I don't think my manager even remotely considered this problem, which is another issue in itself. I want to keep all communications through professional channels to keep a trace of everything that has been said.

It’s a weird situation to be in. To me it sounds like your colleague is trying to unsettle you and is playing mind games with you. If he is favoured by the management in your company despite being incompetent, he’s most likely threatened by the arrival of you. Your manager had broken HR rules by sharing your contact number without consent which has made the situation doubly weird for you. You can contact HR and have a chat with them as to how best to address this and kept logs of all communication out of hours/to your private number. What your colleague is doing to you is a mild form of harassment IMO, I think he’s trying to see how far he can push you.

You sound like a lovely woman, I would have blocked this guy on my phone after the first contact to be honest. You do not need to explain yourself to him.

Thank you.

Very strange situation indeed. He is indeed trying to unsettle me to a certain degree.

After I didn't respond to his email on Saturday, he pinged me on Monday morning to ask me a basic question which I know he knew the answer to. It's the first thing we were taught when starting the job. I politely responded, but I'm sure he is trying to use any excuse to communicate with me to try and create a connection. I'm not against connecting with my coworkers, but I know this guy will take it as a sign and run away with it. Again, I'm keeping it professional and answer his questions whenever I can to avoid having issues with the management, but I can tell he is playing games.

We started at the same time, so I am not sure about him being threatened by me, but I have a strong background and I know my craft. He is a lot less experienced than I am (in terms of years). That's probably what unsettles him to begin with. He likes to show off and talk, but when you dig a bit deeper, he doesn't even understand the most basic processes and will ask the same questions five times. He almost caused an unjustified escalation on my project because he asked someone else outside of our team to do his job and started blaming the person for setting boundaries and not not abiding by his unreasonable request.

I've dealt with male directors who were quite rude and bordering on bullying, so this guy is a tiny fish compared to them. He seems socially adequate, which is not an issue, but becomes an issue when he's invading my personal space. I also think it's the manager's fault for clearly favoring him over me (and he knows it) instead of showing a neutral approach, thus allowing him to overstep boundaries.

I don't think my long-term future is in this team as there is no proper people management clearly. That's probably why he feels he can get away with this behavior. I'll see how it goes and will address it with the manager and/or HR if it starts becoming a recurring pattern.

Agree I also think communication on our personal devices starts at the top. I told my head teacher I feel it’s an invasion of my privacy when work people text me, even when I’m off sick asking how I am. LEAVE ME ALONE. In the past when boundaries were blurred I have also blocked people from work calling me and only allowed to text me.
I am also sure that on WhatsApp, if you block people you can still send messages via a group. I refuse to be in work whatsapp groups though as it’s my personal device and won’t worry about what picture I put up so they can all F off (sorry I feel strongly about my mobile in relation to work!)

She set a new policy that said you can be in a group of you want but we must not message before 8am and after 6pm. You’re free to email (try to avoid late night and weekends) but do not expect a reply until next working day.

It shouldn’t be left among employers to thrash this out by themselves

You could ask if they have some kind of policy or protocol of communication outside of working hours to start the conversation, but agree with the advice above

Good luck

Oh absolutely. It's for sure an invasion of privacy. I don't think they care about protocol. We're asked to work on a Saturday morning for free when our work days are Mon-Fri and requested to attend meetings at 7pm, so you can imagine boundaries are quasi non-existent, sadly.

 

[TheGlossy]

Update:

There has been some progression and this person has now asked me to provide them with feedback on their performance. They sent me a system request. Feedback is anonymous, but I have zero interest in giving him feedback. Should I just decline through the system? There is no obligation to give feedback if we don't have to.

Or is it a good way to address the fact that he dropped me halfway through a project - in which case he will know it's me who gave the feedback. Or will the lack of feedback speak for itself?

Mind you, I asked him a question this morning and he blanked me entirely and now he's requesting feedback.

 

[1001 others]

In reading your original post, I wondered whether your manager had asked this co-worker to be your buddy ... in some organisations, you get assigned a buddy to take you to lunch on your first day, introduce you to everyone, make sure you have all the tools and access rights to be able to do your job, show you the ropes, stuff like that ... and even him asking you to talk about non-work stuff could have tied into that (in a, 'getting to know you" type way). Is this a possibility?

About the feedback ... is this something being rolled out company-wide, or is it just for him? ... If it's just for him, are you the only person being asked to provide feedback? If so, I'd be asking my manager why that is. If it's all above board and just a procedural thing then yes, I would provide feedback that he dropped you mid-project; I'd also pull him aside and ask him why he's blanking you.

 

[TheGlossy]

In reading your original post, I wondered whether your manager had asked this co-worker to be your buddy ... in some organisations, you get assigned a buddy to take you to lunch on your first day, introduce you to everyone, make sure you have all the tools and access rights to be able to do your job, show you the ropes, stuff like that ... and even him asking you to talk about non-work stuff could have tied into that (in a, 'getting to know you" type way). Is this a possibility?

About the feedback ... is this something being rolled out company-wide, or is it just for him? ... If it's just for him, are you the only person being asked to provide feedback? If so, I'd be asking my manager why that is. If it's all above board and just a procedural thing then yes, I would provide feedback that he dropped you mid-project; I'd also pull him aside and ask him why he's blanking you.

Thanks.

No, definitely not. He's not my buddy, we started at the same time. Generally, when you're assigned a buddy, the manager will let you know so and so is your buddy. I was actually assigned a buddy and it's certainly not him. If he were my buddy, I'd understand, but still texting me on a Saturday evening outside business hours on my personal number is unacceptable.

I actually went back into the system and realized the feedback request on him comes from my manager directly, not him. Feedback is a requirement for mid-year reviews, but generally, manager don't send feedback requests to their reports to give feedback on another report. I've never received a feedback for any other team mate at my level except him and we've had several feedback cycles already. What we do is that we send feedback requests to people we've personally worked with. A manager asking for feedback from one report regarding another, it's a novelty to me.