Richard Osman - A bit odd and shy, but nice enough. Smells a bit peculiar - a bit medicinal, kinda like a mix of cloves and camphor. Atrocious handshake, he's one of those blokes who hands you his hand - except his hand's fuckin' yuge so it's like someone giving you an oven glove.
Bradley Walsh - pretty much exactly as he seems on the telly. Not too sharp, but very friendly. Consumate professional. Looks surprisingly tough in the flesh, and has a beartrap handshake. I was on an episode of The Chase and he'd brought in flowers and chocolates for the cleaning lady's birthday, which impressed me. Also has an absolutely manky mug that is obviously his favourite. I generally find this indicates a good egg.
Mark "The Beast" Labbett - a total wank. A real mumpy, up his own arse, tantrum throwing type. Called me a cunt. The staff on The Chase hate him.
Giovanni Pernice - a nice dude, seems pretty much exactly as he comes across on Strictly, albeit a bit quieter. Red hot poker player. Smells lovely. Incredibly funny considering he's operating in his second language. Drinks mojitos.
Janette Manrara - looks frighteningly frail in the flesh, but is very friendly and has the most ridiculous capacity for booze I have ever seen. Nowhere near as OTT as she is on TV, and has a surprisingly dry sense of humour. While throwing shapes on the dance floor she jumped into my arms, and she is both absolutely shredded and the lightest non-child human I have ever encountered.
Aljaz Skorjanec - nice fellow, very friendly, bit deaf. Is very, very strong. Easily out-drunk by his tiny pixie wife. Hates chihuahuas. Blushes when he swears.
Victoria Coren-Mitchell - I hate this woman. People think she's the nice one and Giles is the cunt, but she's a fucking prick too. Came across her at poker tournaments several times, she's all charm and friendliness until the very second things don't go her way, whereupon she instantly gets nasty. Absolutely will not let stuff go, and is apparently slow to forget a perceived slight. Throws herself at any man who's over six foot and forty years old, and is very snippy with women who get attention. Mention her weird "friendship" with the Devilfish if you want to make her go all quiet and angry.
Davina McCall - also looks frighteningly frail. Surprisingly likeable. Very crisp and professional. Her hair is very glossy.
Robbie Coltrane - was helping some mates install an Aga at his house, and one day he came through and went fucking mental at us for no apparent reason. However he apologised an hour later - he was trying to quit smoking and it was making him crabbit - and the next day bought us all rolls as another apology. I consider that to be a Good Dude.
Shazia Mirza - tried to shag my dad, and got a bit nasty when he politely explained he was married.
Cameron Stout - sat next to him on a turbulent flight to Malaga. He was very nice to the staff, even when one of the air hostesses stood on his foot. He was very nervous with the turbulence, and couldn't eat his dinner, and gave it to me. Black bean noodles, lovely.
Tony Roper - bit of a prick. One of those people who goes in the huff if someone else is funny.
Limmy - Totally inscrutable. Entertaining company, but it's exhausting trying to figure out which layer of irony he's on at any given moment.
Gerard Butler - used to come into a chippie I worked at, quite a lot. Mock chop supper for him, king rib for his mum. Nice bloke!