Awkward Work Situation

[Practically Perfect]

I assume your manager failed her GDPR training.
I assume your manager has failed to read any of the Attendance Management Policies your company has
I assume your manager is a bit of a bitch

 

[bexgreen1983]

That’s absolutely shocking that she is even discussing that with another member of the team and I would absolutely be raising it with HR

 

[Laur91]

So I thought I’d come here to have a laugh about something that happened to me at work today. I laugh because if I don’t I’ll cry as that place is just one joke after another...

I suffer from anxiety and have had private conversations with my line manager about it in the past as it’s been the reason for me needing time for therapy sessions & the occasional half day or day off of annual leave which I’m entitled to take and don’t actually have to give reasons for.

I’d booked a day off this week to spend time with my family, it was all approved and dandy. Then I had a conference call with my boss and one other colleague and my boss was presenting her desktop on Skype to take us through a slide deck. She then went to message our colleague who hadn’t joined yet and by doing so I saw their previous Skype conversation in which they were discussing my day off and assuming it was mental health related!! This other colleague is new to the team and is not in any way shape or form my manager or anything.

I was so mortified I didn’t say anything at the time but shortly after the call ended I’ve written her an email telling her what I’d seen and that my personal business has nothing to do with anybody else. Luckily my anxiety is manageable but I know for a lot of people it isn’t so simple and something like that could have triggered some serious issues!

I was mostly thanking god that it wasn’t a conf call with other colleagues or external clients on as I’d probably be making it an HR issue - that would have been horrendous.

Don’t really need advice as I’m handling it but just thought I’d pop it here for the LOLs and ask if anyone’s going through anything similar?

 

[Readread]

I would report it to HR as it’s obvious she needs to be retrained in some areas and needs to learn to respect confidentiality of her subordinates.

At my previous employer, another employee had the same full name as me but we worked in completely different departments. I was copied into some sort of conversation about her mental health. I raised it with HR, as, although it was a legitimate mistake, I wouldn’t have appreciated if it was my business being discussed in emails to people it didn’t concern. She didn’t even bother to check the corporate directory to ensure they had the right email address. Sometimes it’s just a case of retraining. Or just some people need to learn to mind their own bloody business.

 

[Laur91]

That’s absolutely shocking that she is even discussing that with another member of the team and I would absolutely be raising it with HR

Her reason was that the colleague had asked what the process was for approving leave as they’d seen I’d booked time off and instead of answering like a sane person and saying she reviews it and approves she was like ‘well they have anxiety so I accommodate their leave requests’

She must just assume that I don’t actually go on holiday, I just book time off when I’m anxious lol ‘oh I’ll have 2 weeks in August cos might feel an anxiety attack coming on roundabout then’

 

[Lulu Goss]

I’m a team manager so I felt like I need to comment - as others have said that is absolutely not ok.

Your reasons for being off, and anything else to do with your private life, should be kept completely confidential. For her to be discussing it with anyone else is so unprofessional!

I would report it to HR personally. As the previous poster has mentioned mental health is covered by the disability discrimination act so at the very least she needs to be spoken to by someone senior and given some refresher training on confidentiality!

 

[Laur91]

Thank you all for posting and especially for offering your words of advice. I’m a bit reluctant to report to HR just because she’s apologised now and we’ve discussed it but I think I will suggest in our next team meeting that the Line Management on our team all do the courses that are on offer via our company’s website to bring them up to speed on managing mental health etc.

It’s quite embarrassing as our company is SO big on mental and physical well-being at the moment so I think they’d throw the book at her as an example if I took it to HR which some might say is a good thing but if I’m sticking around for a while longer I don’t want any hostility really!

 

[Laur91]

Thank you very much . I am a manager in my current workplace and I suppose that is also why I felt the need to comment here.

You are right in that she is fortunate you dealt with it well, although it was never her right to share private information about you, regardless of whether you'd be upset or not. I'm assuming she shared your reasons because she thought you wouldn't find out, which completely breaches trust between you and her. Maybe she let it slip without thinking, I'm not sure. I don't think she had malicious intent but she didn't stop to think how it'd affect you.

It's also the consequences of her actions. What if you really need time off in future but feel you can't ask her in case she tells others again? What if it triggered your anxiety and made you feel less comfortable at work?

I'm glad you told her you saw the message. Hopefully it has made her reflect on what she said, and will make her think more about what she discloses to people in future.

How did she reply when you messaged her with what you had seen?

She called me immediately and was incredibly apologetic. Almost patronisingly so with a lot of ‘darling’ and ‘honey’ thrown in there and we don’t have a close relationship so that was all very awkward!

I informed her that things like that are very difficult to share at the best of times so seeing it across your desktop on a Skype call wasn’t very pleasant. She seemed very sorry and so she should be so I just said ‘ok thanks for calling’ and left it there. I’ll enjoy my day off tomorrow knowing she’s hopefully thinking long and hard about it!

 

[judgejohndeed]

I would report this too. It's not right for her to be discussing your personal health with someone new - I actually think that's shockingly invasive tbh. You have just as much a right to privacy around your mental health as you would any other health issue, it is wildly inappropriate for her to be discussing your personal health information with someone else without asking you first! Also clearly needs training because God knows what she's shown other people if she doesn't know how to hide her Skype.

 

[Begborrowsteal]

She needs to be made aware that mental health is covered by the disability discrimination act too.

 

[HelloStereo]

She called me immediately and was incredibly apologetic. Almost patronisingly so with a lot of ‘darling’ and ‘honey’ thrown in there and we don’t have a close relationship so that was all very awkward!

I informed her that things like that are very difficult to share at the best of times so seeing it across your desktop on a Skype call wasn’t very pleasant. She seemed very sorry and so she should be so I just said ‘ok thanks for calling’ and left it there. I’ll enjoy my day off tomorrow knowing she’s hopefully thinking long and hard about it!

I'm glad she faced the issue and apologised, instead of ignoring it or getting defensive and sweeping it under the carpet "why is she so upset about x" etc. Although her apology seems a bit cringe with the whole "darling" thing.

She can spend tomorrow reflecting on it and hopefully won't share things that make you / your colleagues uncomfortable again. In the mean time, you can enjoy your day off .

 

[HelloStereo]

Her reason was that the colleague had asked what the process was for approving leave as they’d seen I’d booked time off and instead of answering like a sane person and saying she reviews it and approves she was like ‘well they have anxiety so I accommodate their leave requests’

She must just assume that I don’t actually go on holiday, I just book time off when I’m anxious lol ‘oh I’ll have 2 weeks in August cos might feel an anxiety attack coming on roundabout then’

Nothing similar has happened to me that I am aware of, but it's awful that she is discussing your private business with a colleague. If you choose to share things with your colleagues that is your choice, but she shouldn't be sharing things on your behalf.

There were more tactful ways she could have answered your colleague's questions. E.g. "usually you need to provide x amount of notice. In some circumstances I can approve holiday at a shorter notice" etc. She didn't need to share your reasons.

 

[actuallyeducated]

I would agree not to go to HR if you feel she’s apologised but definitely say when you leave. I recently learned the hard way, I would have never ever complained about a boss or someone at work for the fear of how it would make me look but my current boss broke me last year in tears every day spent every lunch hour on the phone to my mum and poor partner crying my eyes out and I went to the company about her and they basically went and told her and made me sit in a room with her and talk to her (which I ended up walking out crying cause it was so uncomfortable) sadly I am still in this job but every single day I want to quit and it’s been awful dealing with her when she knows I complained about her.

 

[DCICassieStuart]

In my former job, a colleague of mine had been through a very hard year. She'd been in a bad car accident with serious injuries and just as things were sorting themselves out for her, her mother was diagnosed with a terminal illness.
We got on very well and she'd confided in me and told me a lot of stuff, especially about her mother which nobody else bar our boss knew about.
She was out sick one day (just a bug, nothing to do with any of the above situations) and our boss rang me to know if I could cover some of her work that day. I said that was fine and then he started telling me about everything that was happening in her life and about her mother. I told him it was her private business and I didn't want to discuss it with him, that I wasn't going to talk about her behind her back.

Well his nose was out of joint with ME after I said that to him. He got really huffy and defensive (presumably because he knew that he was in the wrong and had made a major screw up)
Obviously I told her what had happened and she was furious with him. She confronted him and his reply was that he knew she and I were good friends so he assumed that she'd already told me!
Her Mum's illness advanced rapidly unfortunately and she ended up giving up work in order to be her full time carer. I left about 6 months later when I got a new job.

As for our boss? NOTHING was said to him, he was never pulled up on it and he got away with it because it was a family run business and he was the 'thick as two short planks' family member for whom a job was specially created because there wasn't a hope in hell that anywhere else would employ him.

What your manager did was completely inappropriate @Laur91. @Practically Perfect is spot on with everything she's said there.

 

[Laur91]

In my former job, a colleague of mine had been through a very hard year. She'd been in a bad car accident with serious injuries and just as things were sorting themselves out for her, her mother was diagnosed with a terminal illness.
We got on very well and she'd confided in me and told me a lot of stuff, especially about her mother which nobody else bar our boss knew about.
She was out sick one day (just a bug, nothing to do with any of the above situations) and our boss rang me to know if I could cover some of her work that day. I said that was fine and then he started telling me about everything that was happening in her life and about her mother. I told him it was her private business and I didn't want to discuss it with him, that I wasn't going to talk about her behind her back.

Well his nose was out of joint with ME after I said that to him. He got really huffy and defensive (presumably because he knew that he was in the wrong and had made a major screw up)
Obviously I told her what had happened and she was furious with him. She confronted him and his reply was that he knew she and I were good friends so he assumed that she'd already told me!
Her Mum's illness advanced rapidly unfortunately and she ended up giving up work in order to be her full time carer. I left about 6 months later when I got a new job.

As for our boss? NOTHING was said to him, he was never pulled up on it and he got away with it because it was a family run business and he was the 'thick as two short planks' family member for whom a job was specially created because there wasn't a hope in hell that anywhere else would employ him.

What your manager did was completely inappropriate @Laur91. @Practically Perfect is spot on with everything she's said there.

Oh my goodness that’s awful!! For both you and the poor lady he spoke about, some people have zero awareness and at work unfortunately that’s just not acceptable. We make blunders in our personal lives for sure and can say the wrong thing at the wrong time but at work in a professional environment it’s 100% not on.

There are some people who really enjoy tittle tattle and they take joy in knowing something only they know and I guess some people can’t bear the thought of keeping things to themselves! I still think that’s partly the angle my boss came from & I don’t trust her one bit now so she’s burnt that bridge for herself & I’ll be sharing it in feedback when I hopefully leave sometime soon!

Thank you for taking the time to reply & comment.

 

[Laur91]

I was horrified at first but this explanation Does make it sound as though she’s really stupid rather than a gossip.
She should have said ‘health issues’ or individual circumstances’. If you’d been getting IVF or having recurring gyno issues would she have also shared? It’s a bit much!
I’d also ensure that you aren’t actually entitled to this time off as sick with pay and while you may find it easier not to ‘rock the boat’ or ‘make a big deal’ or ‘be a nuisance’ etc you’re actually saving the company money by dealing with it the way you do. It wouldn’t hurt to point out you expect a reciprocal respect (and imply that if you don’t get it, you’ll happily take the sick pay and holiday instead)

Oh yeah it was just stupidity and lack of a spine - she could have done her job as a line manager and said that it’s none of the other persons concern!

The stupid thing was I didn’t even book THAT day off for mental health reasons haha I was just having a day with my mum! I think she’d just assumed! Daft cow.

Everyone’s comments on here have been SO kind and supportive though like there’s not been one comment that hasn’t made me feel better about it all so thank you all so much!

 

[Laur91]

Nothing similar has happened to me that I am aware of, but it's awful that she is discussing your private business with a colleague. If you choose to share things with your colleagues that is your choice, but she shouldn't be sharing things on your behalf.

There were more tactful ways she could have answered your colleague's questions. E.g. "usually you need to provide x amount of notice. In some circumstances I can approve holiday at a shorter notice" etc. She didn't need to share your reasons.

Amen. It’s reassuring to hear there are rational people out there & idk if you’re a people-manager but you’d do a good job for sure!

It’s worrying though that people in that position do things like this really, like I said she’s so lucky I wasn’t someone who might have dealt with that very, very badly! Doesn’t bear thinking about!

 

[HelloStereo]

Amen. It’s reassuring to hear there are rational people out there & idk if you’re a people-manager but you’d do a good job for sure!

It’s worrying though that people in that position do things like this really, like I said she’s so lucky I wasn’t someone who might have dealt with that very, very badly! Doesn’t bear thinking about!

Thank you very much . I am a manager in my current workplace and I suppose that is also why I felt the need to comment here.

You are right in that she is fortunate you dealt with it well, although it was never her right to share private information about you, regardless of whether you'd be upset or not. I'm assuming she shared your reasons because she thought you wouldn't find out, which completely breaches trust between you and her. Maybe she let it slip without thinking, I'm not sure. I don't think she had malicious intent but she didn't stop to think how it'd affect you.

It's also the consequences of her actions. What if you really need time off in future but feel you can't ask her in case she tells others again? What if it triggered your anxiety and made you feel less comfortable at work?

I'm glad you told her you saw the message. Hopefully it has made her reflect on what she said, and will make her think more about what she discloses to people in future.

How did she reply when you messaged her with what you had seen?

 

[Sticks&Stones]

I'm very sorry you've had to go through this OP, just so unnecessarily cruel to be clumsily speculating about somebody's personal life.

In a former job, I had a manager who couldn't organise a piss up in a brewery, and would quite happily discuss colleagues circumstances with not only other team members but her own daughter, who worked for the company in another division. Utterly shameless behaviour and again she got off with it scot free, despite being an incompetent imbecile.

 

[littlepup]

Her reason was that the colleague had asked what the process was for approving leave as they’d seen I’d booked time off and instead of answering like a sane person and saying she reviews it and approves she was like ‘well they have anxiety so I accommodate their leave requests’

I was horrified at first but this explanation Does make it sound as though she’s really stupid rather than a gossip.
She should have said ‘health issues’ or individual circumstances’. If you’d been getting IVF or having recurring gyno issues would she have also shared? It’s a bit much!
I’d also ensure that you aren’t actually entitled to this time off as sick with pay and while you may find it easier not to ‘rock the boat’ or ‘make a big deal’ or ‘be a nuisance’ etc you’re actually saving the company money by dealing with it the way you do. It wouldn’t hurt to point out you expect a reciprocal respect (and imply that if you don’t get it, you’ll happily take the sick pay and holiday instead)