are we on different paths? relationship advice

[Kim Mild]

People change so much during their late teens/ early 20s , you both may not be the people you were when you first got together.
It is also extremely common for people to want to take a different academic direction or not want to pursue a career in the subjects they decided to study when they did their uni application.

You come across as sounding more like a careers advisor than a girlfriend.

 

[smooth_operator33]

People change so much during their late teens/ early 20s , you both may not be the people you were when you first got together.
It is also extremely common for people to want to take a different academic direction or not want to pursue a career in the subjects they decided to study when they did their uni application.

You come across as sounding more like a careers advisor than a girlfriend.

haha, yes it’s starting to feel that way

 

[BettyCrockerr]

@smooth_operator33 how do you end it?

you just sit down with him and tell him that while you care about him, you feel that the romantic side of the relationship is over and that you feel you want to move on now after Uni and be single so that you can both find your own paths. That’s all you need to say.

 

[smooth_operator33]

@smooth_operator33 how do you end it?

you just sit down with him and tell him that while you care about him, you feel that the romantic side of the relationship is over and that you feel you want to move on now after Uni and be single so that you can both find your own paths. That’s all you need to say.

thank you so much i really appreciate it🤎

 

[1001 others]

thank you for your lovely responses, it’s great to see the different perspectives!
yes so i’m 21, he’s 20, i think it’s coming to light more now because we are leaving university this time, also we are on the same course together:/
i think like you say, it is a big time for change so maybe it’ll scare him into doing something, if it doesn’t then maybe that’s my sign 🤎

I suspected you were that sort of age. Just to clarify - in case anyone pulls me up on my asking and/or thinking it was rude - in my experience, it's when you change the most ... I was a completely different person at the age of 17 compared to 22; yet I was the same person at the age of 30 compared to 39. And I dare say a lot of people would say the same ... it's why a lot of people will suggest that you hold off making commitments until you're in your mid-to-late 20s (generalising here, as some people won't really learn who they are until later in life).

I think you have to ask yourself if the relationship is worth saving. It might be that he is content just bobbing along in life with no real ambition, BUT he is everything you want in a partner. The only time it wouldn't be worth holding onto is if he wasn't happy for you to continue your growth - which might even mean doing things socially without him - but if he's not that way inclined then what does it matter that he doesn't share your exact view on life?

I have a very successful friend who dated a long string of losers (her words!) for many years ... they were all white collared professionals like her, but the only thing they had in common was ambition and a healthy bank account balance. She craved a loving relationship where she was loved and treated with respect. When her mechanic asked her to accompany him to his work's Christmas party last year, she said yes as she thought it would be fun. They've been together everyday since (he moved in), and she couldn't be happier! It's early days still of course, but I have never seen her look happier. They couldn't be more different in their professional lives but share the same general outlook on things. He doesn't really understand what she does for work, and that is okay. He has been welcomed and embraced by her real friends; her workmates have made snide comments about how she could do better (something that would've bothered her in her younger years, but now she's older and wiser she really doesn't give a hoot about what they think [and tellingly, most of them are single, or trapped in loveless unions]). She's had to get over the feeling of wondering if he's just with her for her money (he really doesn't seem that way - he pays rent to her and more than pulls his weight around the house by grocery shopping, cooking most nights and always cleaning). So - it can work!

 

[smooth_operator33]

I suspected you were that sort of age. Just to clarify - in case anyone pulls me up on my asking and/or thinking it was rude - in my experience, it's when you change the most ... I was a completely different person at the age of 17 compared to 22; yet I was the same person at the age of 30 compared to 39. And I dare say a lot of people would say the same ... it's why a lot of people will suggest that you hold off making commitments until you're in your mid-to-late 20s (generalising here, as some people won't really learn who they are until later in life).

I think you have to ask yourself if the relationship is worth saving. It might be that he is content just bobbing along in life with no real ambition, BUT he is everything you want in a partner. The only time it wouldn't be worth holding onto is if he wasn't happy for you to continue your growth - which might even mean doing things socially without him - but if he's not that way inclined then what does it matter that he doesn't share your exact view on life?

I have a very successful friend who dated a long string of losers (her words!) for many years ... they were all white collared professionals like her, but the only thing they had in common was ambition and a healthy bank account balance. She craved a loving relationship where she was loved and treated with respect. When her mechanic asked her to accompany him to his work's Christmas party last year, she said yes as she thought it would be fun. They've been together everyday since (he moved in), and she couldn't be happier! It's early days still of course, but I have never seen her look happier. They couldn't be more different in their professional lives but share the same general outlook on things. He doesn't really understand what she does for work, and that is okay. He has been welcomed and embraced by her real friends; her workmates have made snide comments about how she could do better (something that would've bothered her in her younger years, but now she's older and wiser she really doesn't give a hoot about what they think [and tellingly, most of them are single, or trapped in loveless unions]). She's had to get over the feeling of wondering if he's just with her for her money (he really doesn't seem that way - he pays rent to her and more than pulls his weight around the house by grocery shopping, cooking most nights and always cleaning). So - it can work!

thank you for this! i’ve done a lot of thinking i’ve the past few days and you’re right, i mean i love the boy with all my heart, i’ve not seen him so much recently due to university and my schedule being crazy but i facetimed him yesterday and he does make me so so happy

like you said, it is a big time for change and i think i just can’t put any pressure on it to be the one for life, but just to be happy with how it is right now. it’s not like i’m wasting my life away, i’m literally 21 & i need to remember that i do actually have years left to go! i think as well, my parents and grandparents got married and had kids at a super young age (aka 21 lol) so maybe i’ve been subconsciously striving for something that is super rare these days.

i really appreciate your POV though, really helpful

 

[Kim Mild]

haha, yes it’s starting to feel that way

Be careful of becoming too pushy , you may lose him if he find it controlling. As another poster said, he may be content floating through life with no plan and seeing where it takes him.

 

[Sheabutter]

he does make me so so happy

So maybe give it a bit more time? Leaving university is a huge change in and of itself. It’s haphazard to break up with someone at the exact moment you’ll need support. Applying to jobs is stressful and at the same time you’re passing over the threshold of adulthood with attendant adult responsibilities. I’d personally wait a few months after graduation and see what he does with himself.

 

[smooth_operator33]

So maybe give it a bit more time? Leaving university is a huge change in and of itself. It’s haphazard to break up with someone at the exact moment you’ll need support. Applying to jobs is stressful and at the same time you’re passing over the threshold of adulthood with attendant adult responsibilities. I’d personally wait a few months after graduation and see what he does with himself.

thank you, i think this is my best option

 

[Giggling Squid]

A different perspective.. while I was at uni, I never gave two thoughts to what I would do afterwards, and I didn’t want to. I had ideas about what I wanted to do but never did anything about actually getting a job until I’d finished. I knew I should, other people were but I just didn’t feel ready to leave uni behind and I felt like not applying for jobs was the easiest way to say that.

if you’re genuinely happy otherwise, perhaps see what happens after uni?

 

[Sheabutter]

thank you, i think this is my best option

I think so too. What if you dump him and it turns out he isn’t a bum? He could surprise you. It’s much harder to put something back together once it is broken compared to just giving it a little time.

 

[Monkeymagic85]

If you're happy just now live in the moment, I never went to uni and still don't know what I want to do when I grow up (I'm 37 ).

I married young, guy I met when I was 15, got together a few years later married and split up less than 2 years later. This was before I was 25, the age at which in my opinion, for women anyway, is when you know what you want and who you are, and you couldn't give a hoot about anyone's opinion.

I met my now partner by chance, neither of us were looking for anything and decided it would be a bit of fun, nearly 13 years later we're still together and have a kid. We're polar opposites he's driven and successful and I just have a job I love, doesn't mean I don't contribute to our life or he thinks he needs to push me to be more.

Sometimes opposites attract, you're so young, if you're happy right now, enjoy it, you're not his mum, if at some point you live together and need to share costs then obviously you'd need to make sure he can contribute by actually working but it doesn't necessarily mean he has to start his professional career right now.

 

[smooth_operator33]

If you're happy just now live in the moment, I never went to uni and still don't know what I want to do when I grow up (I'm 37 ).

I married young, guy I met when I was 15, got together a few years later married and split up less than 2 years later. This was before I was 25, the age at which in my opinion, for women anyway, is when you know what you want and who you are, and you couldn't give a hoot about anyone's opinion.

I met my now partner by chance, neither of us were looking for anything and decided it would be a bit of fun, nearly 13 years later we're still together and have a kid. We're polar opposites he's driven and successful and I just have a job I love, doesn't mean I don't contribute to our life or he thinks he needs to push me to be more.

Sometimes opposites attract, you're so young, if you're happy right now, enjoy it, you're not his mum, if at some point you live together and need to share costs then obviously you'd need to make sure he can contribute by actually working but it doesn't necessarily mean he has to start his professional career right now.

love this perspective, maybe i’m looking for things too fast/ too young and i need to just go with the flow more

thank you so much