Anyone else dealing with a depressed spouse?

[Jojoo]

He's 40.. I am pinning a lot of hope on a midlife crisis.

He doesn't love me like he did and he's said that. How do you even get over that?

Time! Two years ago I was in your position, I’m not fully out of the woods yet but I am 95% happy again on a ‘normal’ day now. I wish I haven’t gone through what I have but it’s also made me a stronger and more confident person in myself so I’m kind of glad too, I know that’s cringey.
Mine was 38 at the time and this year turned 40 and I think mid life crisis is so undermined and made to be a joke but it’s serious, he’s turned into a complete different person now with looks and style etc even personaility. I say the person I married died this is someone else and his family and friends agree.

You need to look after yourself and think about what you want still. Like you said about going to see your dad don’t let his moods stop you being you. I found joining a gymn helped me, just bei n able to put headphones in and run the stress out of my body helped me cope a bit. My new thing is knitting in the evenings while watching tv as it stops me thinking too much, I have kids so can’t always get babysitters to go out. Hobbies help!

Cry, scream and drink a lot of wine but you will get through this!
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He's 40.. I am pinning a lot of hope on a midlife crisis.

He doesn't love me like he did and he's said that. How do you even get over that?

Sorry me again I just remembered when we did couples counselling she asked did we both have a ‘community’ outside of each other he did b. I didn’t and I remember being scared but actually now I do, I’ve worked hard on it but I have people around me. Make sure you have a community it could be work, clubs, friends and family

 

[Megansnarkle]

I'm really proud of you for being strong and telling him he had to leave then and there. He can't have his cake and eat it too.

I wouldn't be surprised if he's the type that might 'pop back to pick something up'. Personally I'd change the locks, but it might not be a bad idea to either keep a chain on or a key in the lock when you're in so he can't just stroll in and catch you off guard.

Did you set boundaries for the trial separation?

 

[unapologeticbxtch_]

thank you so much for all the advice, i’m extremely grateful, i’ve taken a day to think about the whole situation, i’m still young, i’m 24 and got my whole life ahead of me and i should be able to enjoy it, i’m going to say to him about how the whole situation has made me feel and mention about organising help for him again but if he doesn’t engage or change then i’m going to leave, as much as it’ll hurt me in the beginning i know it’ll be for the best, you’re all great, thank you for understanding and sending my love to everyone who needs it 🤍

 

[Jojoo]

In the same situation except he won’t admit to being depressed or anything being wrong with him.

He eats shit, drinks, smokes weed, doesn’t exercise, has a stressful job and blames me for him feeling the way he does.

It’s not you, I know that doesn’t help right now but it’s not! It’s them, please try and focus on yourself. I saved this earlier to share here.
Don’t loose yourselves while dealing with this, I know it’s hard though but the best thing I done was changing my mindset, even though I didn’t get a happy ending I know he admires how strong I have become so if it was too have worked out it would have only been a good thing still.

 

[Jojoo]

Even knowing it's not just me helps!

I wanted to go to my dad's at the weekend but he asked me not to. I wish I'd not listened to him.

No do things for you still! Remember what he’s saying isn’t true too, it took me a long time to realise what he said about me wasn’t true and I started doing things for me again and focusing on me. In hind sight I wish I did it from the beginning

 

[PsychoKitty]

Thank you Jojoo. I really do appreciate it.

I've had yet another sleepless night peppered with quite a lot of crying and I just feel quite helpless and lost and full of self pity. I almost wish he had cheated on me, it would be easier to be angry and throw him out.

I feel like just rotting in bed until the new year.

 

[Saddlesoap]

My husband is justifiably depressed because of health reasons. I know that's not the same as what you're experiencing, but it is hard.
Depression sucks the light out of you and I think it's easy to target the people closest to you.
Is he getting plenty of sunlight and/or taking vitamin d?

 

[PsychoKitty]

I've opened up to my wider group of good girlfriends and have another visitor on the way. Booked a flight to go to my mums tomorrow for a few days.

I know I will eventually be ok, but I just don't know how to do this bit.

 

[PsychoKitty]

He wants a trial separation and has gone to his brothers. I'm so sad.

 

[Jojoo]

Thank you. All I want to do is cry and ask him to stay but I won't.

Everything @Megansnarkle says! you will be okay, you get through this and you also don’t know what he’s going to say yet. There’s a quote you see a lot do you miss the person or the hopes and dreams you had with that person. Right now he’s not the man you fell in love with, that doesn’t mean he won’t come back but you’re not loosing that original person. Please try not to worry until you have had the chat I know it’s impossible though
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I'm so glad I found this thread
My partner has recently been diagnosed with depression as something hadn't been right for a few years. I met him in his native country while I was working abroad and he wanted to leave and move elsewhere. I stupidly agreed (I was so happy in his country) and here we are with him depressed. I am not sure why he is depressed but it is his first time living abroad. Since we moved he has shown 0 affection towards me and you can probably guess what the bedroom life is like. I feel extremely unwanted but he won't go to therapy. I'm only 30 and don't want to waste some of my best years without physical touch or affection because everyone is entitled to it
Sorry for ranting xx

You are so right about wasting your good years! Don’t!!! One of the things I’m so grateful for is only being 32 and going through what I have as I can still start over, he is 40 now so it’s not as easy for him. I regret settling down so young (although if I didn’t I wouldn’t have my kids but if it wasn’t for them I wish I didn’t) I wasted too many years.
This year once I’m finally divorced I’m going to live like I should have in my 20’s

have you tried talking to him? That’s got to be tough for you dealing with this and changing countries, can you go back to his home country where YOU were happy most importantly

 

[Helicopter68]

Everything @Megansnarkle says! you will be okay, you get through this and you also don’t know what he’s going to say yet. There’s a quote you see a lot do you miss the person or the hopes and dreams you had with that person. Right now he’s not the man you fell in love with, that doesn’t mean he won’t come back but you’re not loosing that original person. Please try not to worry until you have had the chat I know it’s impossible though
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You are so right about wasting your good years! Don’t!!! One of the things I’m so grateful for is only being 32 and going through what I have as I can still start over, he is 40 now so it’s not as easy for him. I regret settling down so young (although if I didn’t I wouldn’t have my kids but if it wasn’t for them I wish I didn’t) I wasted too many years.
This year once I’m finally divorced I’m going to live like I should have in my 20’s

have you tried talking to him? That’s got to be tough for you dealing with this and changing countries, can you go back to his home country where YOU were happy most importantly

Thank you xx
Yes, have spoken extensively but seems like nothing is getting through to him. I have almost secured a job back in his home country so one step back to MY happiness. He said he will stay where we currently are and tbh I'm quite happy with that.

 

[PsychoKitty]

Hey @Kaye1976, thanks for checking in.

Getting on with life as best as possible. Had an email from him yesterday where he obviously thinks he's calling the shots re divorce, house etc. My solicitor doesn't see a reason to reply but I will have to to some point just about some practical stuff (clothes etc).

Some days are still quite dark but working through them.

Oh, and looks like the other woman is coming out the woodwork - she's 16 years younger than him and he's her boss. What an absolute sad cliché!

 

[PsychoKitty]

Thanks for checking in @Pontiac_Bandit. Not in a very good place but trying to make the most of my time here before I go back on Wednesday.

Made the mistake of messaging him on Saturday night and it's very clear he's done. Found out through Instagram that his nan died on Sunday and he's not reached out (I liked her a lot so I'm sad about that too). Thought about messaging but this is the life he wants and he'll have to swallow the consequences.

Got someone coming to value the house on Thursday, I'll be in no rush to go but good to have in my back pocket.

 

[Megansnarkle]

If he owns half the house you can’t do this, it’s worse for you if you do this. Trust me I know, my ex is abusive and pops in every few days but I can’t stop him as he owns half the house, I can apply for a court order but I’m too scared of the consequences. I don’t think there’s abuse in this case so sadly you can’t stop him or apply for a court order to stop him.

just be prepared for what might come out, sorry, just as a warning

Of course you can do it, he'd equally be entitled to call a locksmith out and change them back but the likelihood of that happening? Slim. If the OP were to claim they lost their key then what's he going to do? He can ask for a copy but the question would be why he needs one if he's not living in the house. As I say, it's what I'd do personally. Obviously if there's a risk of violence then that's different.

There's certainly nothing they can do about you putting on a chain or leaving the key in the lock when you're in for added security. It's a security measure for a woman living alone.

 

[Pontiac_Bandit]

Hey @Kaye1976, thanks for checking in.

Getting on with life as best as possible. Had an email from him yesterday where he obviously thinks he's calling the shots re divorce, house etc. My solicitor doesn't see a reason to reply but I will have to to some point just about some practical stuff (clothes etc).

Some days are still quite dark but working through them.

Oh, and looks like the other woman is coming out the woodwork - she's 16 years younger than him and he's her boss. What an absolute sad cliché!

What a pathetic knobhead - I hope his midlife crisis comes back to bite him on the bum! Well done for taking each day at a time and getting through it - I'm sure your solicitor will act in your best interests and use your husband's affair against him if possible. Hang in there, hopefully you'll be rid of him soon and can move on with your head held high

 

[Jojoo]

He wants a trial separation and has gone to his brothers. I'm so sad.

Feel all the feelings but then you will get up and work on YOU. Try and sleep because what you have been dealing with is exhausting, this is your time to put yourself first. Again echo writing a list of all the things you want to do and haven’t been able to do. What do you want your future to look like

 

[Greencatfysh]

Copenhagen sounds amazing! I'd love to go there. And great that you have something like that to look forward to.

It's just been quite stunted and sad. We played some music last night and every song just made me want to cry. Today has been marginally better but I don't want to be lulled into a false sense of security. Going to see my family for a few days on Thursday which I'm looking forward to and dreading at the same time. I feel like if I go away he'll just realise that he is happier without me around.

I’m sure space will be good for you both. Try and reframe that if you can. You might be happier without him? He might realise what he’s missing while you’re gone. You can focus on your family and other things and remember your value. You are a person too in this relationship and can put yourself first. If you are apart and both realise you’re happier, then maybe that’s a sign telling you what you need to do. Either way, you might both feel more free move forward whichever way that is.

 

[PsychoKitty]

Will reply properly tomorrow but thank you everyone. Had a friend here who is staying with me. Had a lot of wine and tears.

 

[Pontiac_Bandit]

He wants a trial separation and has gone to his brothers. I'm so sad.

I've just been catching up on this thread, and I'm so sorry for what you're currently dealing with. My husband has depression and there have been times over the years where things have been really tough on both of us - it's so difficult trying to support someone when they're not able to process their emotions and so end up taking it out on you. I'd say that him talking rationally about wanting a trial separation and then being the one to leave is a positive step, even though it's gut-wrenching - if he'd suddenly announced it during an argument and then told you to get out, or stormed out, you'd be left with more questions and at the mercy of his emotional manipulation. @Megansnarkle had excellent advice previously - has he put a timeframe on the separation or set boundaries for contact during that time? You're allowed to feel hurt, betrayed, angry, sad, confused so embrace feeling them as it's easier to cope with them once you've acknowledged all your feelings. It may be that he's asked for the separation as he knows he's dragging you down and wants time to work on his own mental health before he looks at how you two move forward together - or it might be that he's recognised that he's changed too much and his feelings have changed, and he wants to see what time apart helps you both discover. The advice to do things for you and rediscover yourself is fantastic, because if the trial becomes permanent then you'll already have started finding yourself again, or if you get back together then you'll have a better idea of who you are as an individual within the relationship and what you will and won't tolerate going forwards. Several years ago my friend's fiancée asked for a trial separation and my friend was absolutely devastated and just wanted her to come back. The trial lasted a couple of months and by the time the fiancée had decided that she'd sorted out her issues and wanted to get back together, my friend had embraced her new life with all her old interests in it and said she recognised that they were better off apart, so they split. Take things one day at a time, maybe contact the relationship counsellor to see if she'll see you alone to help you organise your thoughts, and do your best to live this time for you
---

thanks guys, i think i’m just that type of person who believes they can fix everyone and i’m a people pleaser, all i want to do is make him happy but like you say, he isn’t willing to engage in anything to help his depression and he’s an adult who can make his own choices so it shouldn’t fall down to me.

i think i’m going to have a chat with him about it and tell him how much stress it’s putting me under to see if it’ll help at all but i doubt it, sorry for my massive rant, i don’t want to come across selfish but there’s only so much i can take.

i know that by giving him money i’m enabling him to live the lifestyle he does and it’s my own fault, i know deep down he uses the money for alcohol and drugs but i guess a part of me just lives in hope that he’ll get a job, engage in some help with his depression and we’ll be happy again x

You're not selfish and none of this is your fault as others have said, it sounds like he's actually quite enjoying doing nothing, getting off his face and having you at his beck and call for money and attention. I'm also a people pleaser and feel responsible for absorbing the emotions of others and fixing things for them - unfortunately the type of people we want to fix often take advantage of this and start to expect it, guilting us into continuing to look after them. If he's showing any signs of taking responsibility for his situation or remorse for how he's treating you then maybe there's a glimmer of hope, but as the relationship is still fairly new and it sounds like he's been acting this way for most of it I'd suggest putting yourself first and getting out before his behaviour gets worse. It's emotionally crippling trying to help someone who won't help themselves, and you can calmly leave a list of support numbers/websites to ease some of your misplaced guilt about letting him down if you leave - you're not letting him down and what he chooses to do next won't be your fault

 

[Pontiac_Bandit]

Thanks everyone for such wonderful support.

He text me yesterday morning saying he wanted to talk so I knew something was up.

What followed was a self indulgent half hour where he told me how much he had learned in therapy, how his past relationships had messed him up and how he needed to "find his authentic self". It was like listening to a stranger.

I said pretty much nothing during this. What was to be said? It all felt very rehearsed.

Then he dropped the trial separation bomb. Said he needed to see his he could miss me, but yet wanted to spend the evening together and go in the morning. It was like he wanted my blessing and expected me to encourage him on whatever bullshit journey he's invented. I said he had to go there and then. And he did.

My friend came and looked after me and has gone now and I feel so... Bleugh. I don't know what's happened to the lovely man I married.

I'm so sorry it sounds like he's taken what his therapist has said about past experiences shaping you emotionally and used it to excuse his shitty behaviour and to do what he wants now. Did he even ask how you are or how you feel about all this? I'm so glad you told him to leave, he's completely self-absorbed if he thought you'd listen to all that and still want to spend time with him, like he was doing you a favour by gracing you with his presence for one final night. I'm glad your friend came to support you - keep leaning on the people who care about you and fill your days with things you enjoy - and if they're things he didn't enjoy even better as you get to feel a petty but satisfying "fuck you" in your head! If he tries to contact you I'd suggest ignoring his calls and then texting to say "I'm busy at the moment, if you need to discuss something about the separation then we're going to need to book a time to talk" - keep it civil but boundaried. I'm sorry the man he was has disappeared, it must feel like you're grieving for who he was alongside all your hurt and anger about who he's turned into. You'll get through this