First of all, hello and welcomeHi all, I'm not a big poster here but I'm struggling tonightnot even sure what I want to ask or if I want advice so I guess it is more of a vent.
So basically, I've suffered with anxiety for my whole life as long as I can remember. But due to it being belittled and brushed off from childhood by my father and my ex partner (I lived with my father til age 16 then my ex from 16-27), I honestly never really recognised my feelings as anxiety until around 5 years ago (I'm 32 now). My whole life, all I've been told is "just don't worry, you're fine, don't be silly, don't be daft, you're being ridiculous". About EVERYTHING. And my father always made me feel like everything I do has to be PERFECT and asking for help is a weakness. For example, as a kid, I couldn't ask him to help with spelling, he'd tell me that I know where the dictionary is. So I've always been scared to ask for help, or felt like I shouldn't ask for help because I should be able to do everything myself.
On top of all this, I also had a miscarriage last month which really shook me, plus a scan found other health issues in that area which will require surgery. My mind is going crazy every single day after this past month, as well as general Covid life affecting everything for the past year.
I've been off sick from work for 3 weeks and am due to go back tomorrow and I'm shitting myself. My work think very highly of me, not trying to toot my horn, but I know my manager likes me and thinks I'm a good worker (I'm an admin in a university clinical trials unit).
But I know that in the past couple of months, my performance has slipped a bit and I'm so scared I may have forgotten to do things or left a job too long by putting it off, and scared I'll get some sort of disciplinary tomorrow or something. I'm not sure anxiety is a reason to explain poor performance and slipping up.. it seems like a daft excuse and not good enough.
Thank you so much for telling us your story. You’re not alone in your anxiety, so many people and many of us here also feel the same, and have also felt like you. Not to make it about me but I know how you feel in terms of family understanding. Not that mine ever made comments ect, but I just never felt like they would understand mental health, the old “you’ll be fine” bla bla. Imagine that, telling someone with anxiety they’ll be fine, we’re cured!
What you’re doing now is kind of, I guess, asking for help and that’s amazing and something to be proud of! When you’ve grown up feeling a type of way for so long you don’t sometimes realise that you are suffering, you just see it as normal!I’m so sorry to hear about your loss and other health issues you are dealing with, it’s no wonder you are feeling this way, it’s completely normal, especially during a pandemic! Just shows you are stronger than you know! Have you considered counselling/therapy? You are greiving aswell, and must put yourself and your health first. You deserve to feel better and to be happy!
As for your job, you’re doing amazing there it seems! And you can toot your own horn! You know you’re good at it so be proud! You never know work might help bring back some form of routine, normality and help keep your mind distracted. Is there anyone there you can talk too? It’s normal to feel anxious and doubt yourself after being off for so long, everyone I know says they feel the same when being off, it’s like being off sick one day at school and the next day you feel left out and that you’ve missed everything. Right now there’s nothing you can do to change what will happen tomorrow. It’s hard to do but when you start to have these thoughts, ask yourself “Is there anything I can do right in this moment to change what will happen tomorrow?” If the answers no, save those worries for tommorow, you may even forget what those worries were!
Just know there is help out there if you need it. And this thread is always here if you need to vent. Good luck tomorrow, you’ll smash it!
Does change make anyone else feel sick?