Am I being unreasonable?

[margaretta]

Whatever happened to a hen night being a meal followed by a boozy evening in a nightclub and then a taxi home?
Seems like the bride has all her priorities wrong and @Clarity456, with friends like that, you’re better off without!

 

[mcfeez]

What on earth happens to people when they are getting married?! This is a crazy expensive and excessive hen party. You'd think people were to starting to wise up to the wedding industry but its honestly getting worse.

I saw a week long trip to Tenerife for honeymoon referred to as a "mini moon" because apparently only long haul Maldives esque trips are acceptable for "real honeymoons" now.

 

[judgejohndeed]

my friend (the bride) told me to go an find some cheaper accommodation and give everybody the option

The entitlement?! No offence but she sounds bloody awful

 

[judgejohndeed]

I find it so awkward that the bride is this involved in planning her hen anyway? Aren’t most brides just happy to have any amount at all spent on a hen for them. You said the wedding is costing you loads as well and I find it really weird someone who is your friend knows it’s going to cost you so much just to attend the wedding - which most people would be grateful enough for! - and still isn’t happy that you don’t have/aren’t willing (reasonable either way IMO) to drop 1.5k on a hen as well.

 

[judgejohndeed]

You’re all in your 30s yet this woman is behaving like a child who’s been told no

 

[Clarity456]

What on earth happens to people when they are getting married?! This is a crazy expensive and excessive hen party. You'd think people were to starting to wise up to the wedding industry but its honestly getting worse.

I saw a week long trip to Tenerife for honeymoon referred to as a "mini moon" because apparently only long haul Maldives esque trips are acceptable for "real honeymoons" now.

Funny enough one of the girls in the group just got married the other week, she went on a "mini moon" to Santorini and is planning a proper "honeymoon" later in the year all the while living at his parents to save for a house deposit so if I was her fella I'd be fuming at her flushing 2k down the drain for a few days drinking

 

[candyland_]

I think they want you to reconsider because they will all have to pay more if you don’t go. Unless they can fill your space they’ll have to split the accommodation between less people.

 

[Clarity456]

It sounds like you’re better off out of it, she seems to be placing all the wrong values on this hen do- rather than the whole point being about celebrating with people you love. If it makes you question the friendship there’s probably been niggles for a while, I hope you do something for yourself with the almost £2k you would have spent on the hen do!

to be honest I'm renovating my house and need to do an exam to get a certification for my job which is gonna cost £1000 but is an investment in my future and career advancement I sound like a fun sponge but who cares, a valuable property and my career is gonna stick with me alot longer than 5 nights of tequila shots in Ibiza

Are you still going to the wedding?

So far, yes.

 

[judgejohndeed]

I'm a worrier

Just say it wasn’t fully costed up when you agreed and that you can’t afford it now. If she tries to argue back with that then this woman is not your friend. If someone tells you they can’t afford something that’s not up for debate IMO.

 

[judgejohndeed]

update, they now think it's £1750 all in I thought we were a bunch of dental hygienists, recruitment consultants, data protection managers etc, not the Man City wags

This is more than I'd spend on my yearly nice holiday away with my partner...you can go all inclusive with a swim up room for that price, actually deranged. Do your friends not know there's a cost of living crisis? I think this is so tone deaf and insensitive tbh, doing such an expensive hen is going to force friends to have to disclose financial difficulties that people generally keep private/might be embarrassed about, no matter how 'close' a friend is over my dead body would I want to put someone in this position

 

[linzilou]

i went to ibiza for my hen do ....me and hubby paid for the villa, everyones club entry + beach club and stocked up the fridge/wine fridge at the villa.
my hens paid for their own flights, and meals once we were there. we had one big boozy club night, one meal and a quieter night, and one takeaway pizza and watching musicals in the villa night.

this was years ago, and only went for 4 days and it was still unaffordable for some people as Ibiza is so expensive once you are out there. plenty of the girls i invited couldnt go for various reasons including the financial side but i never made them feel bad about it.

basically if i had that time again id have rather have gone to london or brighton and taken everyone with me, and all the money i spent on club entry and a villa i could have just used to take all my friends somewhere....but you live and learn haha!

 

[BettyCrockerr]

Indian weddings are a few days event and it's nowhere near my home so can't go home in between times

For the love of God. Who could even be bothered!!!!

 

[BettyCrockerr]

I really enjoyed this thread. I can’t believe someone would make their friends pay so much for a hen do! I would be mortified. I’d be rethinking your friendship with this one @Clarity456 her comments to you were disgusting.

I’ve my own hen do coming up next June, I (control freak) gave my MOH instructions on what I’d quite like to do (abroad - somewhere hot) and said to make sure it wasn’t expensive. She’s come back to me to say £200 each for everyone and this is a 3 day weekend abroad, she has set up direct debit options so people can pay it off. There’s 20-30 odd friends and cousins in the chat and I suspect quite a bit will drop out which is standard really.

I’ll also be having 2 other hen nights both at home in Ireland and also in England where I live for friends and family who either can’t afford it or don’t want to commit to going away. Some brides seriously think the world stops for them coming up to their wedding and it’s shocking!

You are having 3 hen parties….!!!!!

 

[Clarity456]

I don't understand your concern with you only knowing the bride or other people only knowing the bride and not others - that's the norm at most hens.

my concerns about not knowing people are that basically if I was only spending £250 for 2 nights in Liverpool then I think that's more reasonable money to ask people to spend, but I think £1000 (what I would spend on a 10 day summer holiday with close friends or family) is extortionate to ask people to spend 5 days with unknowns , was more my point, I know it's par for the course to not know everyone at hen do's.

 

[teabob]

I’m honestly shocked at what people expect “hens” to pay. In 2010 when I went on my SiL’s it was a £150 weekend city break. Slight inflation to £200 for a friend in 2017. That’s literally my only experience and I thought that was enough to pay, honestly. But over £1k is nuts…

It’s even more nuts when you consider the current financial climate Gas and electricity are going up again in October by a predicted 65 percent and then again in January. I get living life- I’m still going on a family holiday abroad but it’s cost us £550 a head for a week self catering in Tenerife in August. We couldn’t have justified paying any more than that this year, the apartments are clean and there’s sun and a pool and that’s all I care about. Sounds like this hen is for the “gram with the original villa idea and beach clubs

 

[Clarity456]

One of my friends wanted me to pay £2500 to go to Vegas for her hen for a few nights. It was hard to say no as I felt like I’d let her down but there’s no way I could have afforded that! Luckily, she was fine about it and a lot of people pulled out after I did.

did she let you know 2/3 years in advance (I think you'd need that length of time to save that amount of money without it noticeably affecting your normal life)?

I don't know anyone who'd really have money in excess of £1500 just to pull from nowhere for a hen doo, what planet are these people on?!

 

[judgejohndeed]

£1000+ is absolutely wild for a hen! Idk what relationship you have with this person but I would be really straight with them about how much the actual wedding itself is going to cost you, let alone a 1k hen as well! This woman sounds like she’s gone raging bridezilla

 

[Grizzlybear]

You know what this is abit off topic but @BettyCrockerr actually has had a massive influence impact on me in real life. I posted something once, something quite sensitive and I actually took on board something she said. I'm usually the opposite of good old Betty- I'm not really no nonsense and I'm very underconfident and I don't like confrontation. I'm just naturally like that. But since having my son I sort of knew I had to change in some aspects. I know on here we cant and don't always want to disclose too much and sometimes the advice jsnt always tailored for everyone as sometimes dynamics in relationships are hard to convey. But something she said has literally changed me ( for the better) I mean this honestly. And iv actually used my voice alot more and learnt to say no to people in real life. So if you read this @BettyCrockerr - thanks. You gave me that confidence.

Do you remember we actually started an Ask @BettyCrockerr thread once? Absolute voice of reason

 

[BettyCrockerr]

my concerns about not knowing people are that basically if I was only spending £250 for 2 nights in Liverpool then I think that's more reasonable money to ask people to spend, but I think £1000 (what I would spend on a 10 day summer holiday with close friends or family) is extortionate to ask people to spend 5 days with unknowns , was more my point

Christ I wouldn’t even be spending £250 on a bloody hen do!!!

 

[SwishSwing]

I had the same situation a few years ago.

One of my closest friends was getting married, and when it came to her hen "holiday" I knew physically I wouldn't be able to afford to go even with the amount of notice. She thought it was me just being pissed off I wasn't a bridesmaid (I was hurt but understood her other choices for the role) and became really stuffy with me. She stopped talking to me and the next thing I didn't get a wedding invite, which I HAD budgeted to make sure I could attend.

Haven't spoken to her since and have no regrets. I had previously been so embarrassed about my financial status but now I realise of someone can drop you because of money, it says more about them than you.