Advice please? (Parenting)

[NikkiDeeW]

Hi. Just a little advice please. I have 3 grown up sons (in their 20’s) and we all have a great relationship with each other. Their dad is a total s***bag and has caused no end of problems. I tried to encourage him to stay in touch with the boys for years, but after initially attempting to see them every few weeks for a day (on his terms) he didnt really bother. He has been married twice since me. He popped in and out of my 2 youngests lives for the past 15 years (eldest wouldnt entertain seeing him) but he is now seeing my youngest fairly regularly (once every couple of months). My issue is that Im really struggling with it. I am able to talk to my youngest about it and I understand he needs to come to his own decision without us interfering but why do I feel gutted? I feel the ex wasnt there for the crap times yet now they’re all doing well he strolls in to take the glory. Am I being selfish for feeling like this? Is it normal? Thank you to anyone who reads this without falling asleep!!

 

[SavetheDrama]

All I can say is that kids eventually grow up and know who was there for them and who wasn’t. Your feeling are valid and you are entitled to them but your kids know who was around and raised them.

 

[NikkiDeeW]

Thanks for taking the time to read and answer! You are so right. My son actually said that if it was to cause me an issue, he would stop seeing his father. I would never ask him to do that as he clearly needs to get answers for himself. But I just feel really childish about it sometimes!! I keep it to myself tho. Thanks for responding.

 

[Ellsbells123]

Your feelings are totally valid. I have a 12 year old who hasn’t seen her dad for over 10 years and I dread the day, she possibly says, she wants to see him again. Yes, it is their decision and they are of an age to decide. It doesn’t take away what has happened and the hurt it has caused. You have been there to do it all and ultimately you have brought them up to be the fine young men that they are.
Like you say, he will get his answers and make up his own mind. By the sounds, his dad doesn’t sound the most stable when it comes to relationships! Never keep your feelings to yourself though, talk, even if it’s to total strangers! You are allowed to feel how you do, you haven’t had to share them and your instinct will be to protect them!

 

[SavetheDrama]

Thanks for taking the time to read and answer! You are so right. My son actually said that if it was to cause me an issue, he would stop seeing his father. I would never ask him to do that as he clearly needs to get answers for himself. But I just feel really childish about it sometimes!! I keep it to myself tho. Thanks for responding.

Nothing to feel childish about, you’re allowed to feel like you do! It’s good to talk.

 

[NikkiDeeW]

Thank you. I appreciate the chance to say how I feel, makes it easier. The logical part of me realises that its not a competition and that the boys know what went on. The other part wants to throw a hissy fit. I suppose Im scared he will wheedle his way into their lives again and hurt them like he did before but they are grown men and have to make their own decisions.