Advice needed on a best friend

[ava2014]

Dear all,

I would like to ask you for some advice on my (former) best friend. I know this girl for more than 10 years and we used to hang out a lot and message each other every day. A while ago I was superstressed and talking about her about my working situation. My workcontract wasn't extended so I had to find a new job. Eventually I managed to find a new job abroad for six months, this has always been my dream. I am a very introverted person and don't like to talk about my feelings, but during this time I felt comfortable to express my feelings to her, my insecurities etc. One day before moving to another country she asked me to talk to her, and during this meeting she talked about herself: she was stressed, she was having anxiety and wasn't feeling well. When I moved to work in another country for six months I tried to be supportive to her. We talked on the telephone every day and mostly about her anxiety. I advised her to talk to her boss about it because I felt like her work was causing her a lot of stress. Eventually she was diagnosed with a burn out and stopped working and got therapy. During this time I was settling in this new city and I was posting about it on social media because I was so excited about it. My best friend asked me if I could visit her in my first week abroad. I said yes but to be honest I didnt want to because settling in a new city was already a lot of stress. During my stay in another country she blamed me that I wasn't a good friend, I was part of the reason why she had a burn out because I was never honest about my struggles in life, that our friendship is very superficial. I got mad at her but because of her burn out I didn't want to tell her that on the phone, so I kept asking her how she was doing but now only once a week. After coming back to my homecountry and starting another job we met and she told be that she was mad at me because I was so distant with her. I told her why I was mad: because she was blaming me for her burn out and called our friendship superficial. She said sorry for that but now she is the one that is distant with me. I am always the one that starts the conversation: Ive started the conversation six times and she did only twice. Now we havent talked to each other for 3 weeks. This is the longest time that we haven't talked to each other. I was the last one that started the conversation. What do you think I should do. Let her go? Or still try to be supportive because she is in a burn out?

Sorry English isn't my first language, sorry for all the mistakes.

 

[rainbowlemon]

I would say let it be . Focus on yourself for now. Think she also expected too much from you. It’s not your fault she’s burnt out.

 

[ava2014]

I would say let it be . Focus on yourself for now. Think she also expected too much from you. It’s not your fault she’s burnt out.

Thank you for your advice!

 

[Compassionately_judging]

Speaking from experience of something very similar but without the confrontation... for the last 5 years I have been trying to be a supportive friend to someone (I considered a sister for 5 years before that) and she gives me nothing back to work with.

It will continue to drain and upset you if you are the one to instigate everything. Sometimes we have to let things go and grow apart. You will end up burning out too otherwise.

 

[WilmaHun]

I think you've tried to be as good of a friend as you can, even when you've had tons going on yourself you've still always been there for her to lean on. She's unnecessarily blamed you for something you had no control over - and that's not fair. You've tried to repair things by continually starting the conversation again but friendship is a two way street and it shouldn't all be on one person. I think I would just leave things be for a while, if she contacts you at some point then great, but don't allow yourself to feel like you HAVE to contact her.

 

[candyland_]

I think you should both grow up in all honesty.
People have hard times, they distance from each other, they have other things going on. As adults you don’t need to speak every single day or count who text who first, it’s petty and childish.

 

[Rxt156]

It sounds like you’re a good friend to her. It also sounds like she is jealous of your life and taking it out on you. She shouldn’t blame you for her struggles when it sounds like it’s not to do with you at all. That’s not a great friend in my opinion.
It’s totally your choice what you do from here though.

 

[Sunflower91]

When I moved to London from the north I had a really similar experience in that a few of my friends were really difficult to talk to. The distance was weaponised as a reason I couldn’t be supportive. You sound like a good friend, and I think your friend is lashing out at you because she’s going through some things right now- she’s probably sad you’re far away and it’s manifesting in her blaming you. Having said that, you have to put your own oxygen mask on before helping someone else- sometimes you have to set a boundary that being supportive to your friend might have to take a back seat while you figure things out for yourself. And there’s nothing wrong in that, because when you’re in a good place it is easier and less draining on your mental capacity to support someone.

 

[ava2014]

Thank you guys for all of your opinions. It has now been more than a month since we have talked with each other. And because I was the one that contacted her the previous times I concluded that she doesn't want to be in touch with me at all. Which is sad, she was my best friend.

I still have her on instagram and she is watching all of my stories. After working hard for many years and not having time to do social things I'm doing more social things now and I travel a lot. She is watching all my stories on insta. Do you thing that this contributes to her hating me (having time to travel and go out with other friends and not spending time with her), should I remove her from insta or just let it be?

 

[HelloStereo]

Thank you guys for all of your opinions. It has now been more than a month since we have talked with each other. And because I was the one that contacted her the previous times I concluded that she doesn't want to be in touch with me at all. Which is sad, she was my best friend.

I still have her on instagram and she is watching all of my stories. After working hard for many years and not having time to do social things I'm doing more social things now and I travel a lot. She is watching all my stories on insta. Do you thing that this contributes to her hating me (having time to travel and go out with other friends and not spending time with her), should I remove her from insta or just let it be?

I wouldn't assume she doesn't want to be in touch just because she's not reaching out to you. I know sometimes when I go through hard times I withdraw a bit and don't make plans with friends as much. It's 100% not because I don't like them anymore, just I don't have the capacity to at that moment.

Your friend seems to be going through a hard time and is projecting it onto you. I'd give them space for now but be there if / when she does get in touch again. You said you'd been friends with her for 10 years. Has it always been rocky or is it just since she had problems with stress / burnout?

 

[ava2014]

I wouldn't assume she doesn't want to be in touch just because she's not reaching out to you. I know sometimes when I go through hard times I withdraw a bit and don't make plans with friends as much. It's 100% not because I don't like them anymore, just I don't have the capacity to at that moment.

Your friend seems to be going through a hard time and is projecting it onto you. I'd give them space for now but be there if / when she does get in touch again. You said you'd been friends with her for 10 years. Has it always been rocky or is it just since she had problems with stress / burnout?

No it has never been rocky. She never had problems with stress or burn out. This is the first time and it started the week before leaving to another country. She has never been so clingy. When I was abroad and I was enjoying my time there she called me to tell me that I was a superficial friend and never discussed my problems. And that this was part of the reason that she never talked about her problems and why she had a burn out now. She also said that I was always superficial and dieting and why I was never honest about my diet issues. That I pretended to have a perfect life (believe me I have no perfect life). She also said that she wanted to visit me later and even though I was hurt by her and told her that was OK. Then she wanted to cancel because of COVID restrictions and I replied thats OK, but please tell me as soon as possible if you can't come so I can make other plans in that weeks. And she got mad because my reaction was so pragmatic.
Overall, I think that no matter what I do and say she will find something to get a reaction out of me and I am done with it. I stopped posting anything on social media for a while because I didn't want to hurt her (she probably hates seeing me doing social stuff while she is at home feeling miserable) but after a while I was like I will post whatever I want anyway. If she doesn't want to follow me she can block me.

And during the time that I was abroad she admitted to have gossiped about me and my behaviour with other friends. I don't talk to these friends anymore because I was never close with them.

 

[HelloStereo]

No it has never been rocky. She never had problems with stress or burn out. This is the first time and it started the week before leaving to another country. She has never been so clingy. When I was abroad and I was enjoying my time there she called me to tell me that I was a superficial friend and never discussed my problems. And that this was part of the reason that she never talked about her problems and why she had a burn out now. She also said that I was always superficial and dieting and why I was never honest about my diet issues. That I pretended to have a perfect life (believe me I have no perfect life). She also said that she wanted to visit me later and even though I was hurt by her and told her that was OK. Then she wanted to cancel because of COVID restrictions and I replied thats OK, but please tell me as soon as possible if you can't come so I can make other plans in that weeks. And she got mad because my reaction was so pragmatic.
Overall, I think that no matter what I do and say she will find something to get a reaction out of me and I am done with it. I stopped posting anything on social media for a while because I didn't want to hurt her (she probably hates seeing me doing social stuff while she is at home feeling miserable) but after a while I was like I will post whatever I want anyway. If she doesn't want to follow me she can block me.

And during the time that I was abroad she admitted to have gossiped about me and my behaviour with other friends. I don't talk to these friends anymore because I was never close with them.

I think she's going through a tough time and it is affecting how she is treating you. She sees you doing well for yourself and she lashes out because she's not happy with her life at the moment.

I'd give her space and then if she reaches out to try and make amends, it is up to you whether you accept her apologies or not.

 

[M.Ponderosa]

Just sounds like she’s jealous of you. She’s not worth your time or worry. Carry on with your life as best you can and don’t let it get to you.

 

[ava2014]

I think she's going through a tough time and it is affecting how she is treating you. She sees you doing well for yourself and she lashes out because she's not happy with her life at the moment.

I'd give her space and then if she reaches out to try and make amends, it is up to you whether you accept her apologies or not.

Thanks. I saw that she was doing more social Things recently and went on holiday. So I think that she is doing better. Good for her, but I think Im done with her. Even if she Will contact me.

 

[HelloStereo]

Thanks. I saw that she was doing more social Things recently and went on holiday. So I think that she is doing better. Good for her, but I think Im done with her. Even if she Will contact me.

That's completely up to you and you keep or remove people from your life to preserve your happiness

 

[ava2014]

Thank you guys for the advice. There is a little update. After ignoring each other now for a couple of weeks she got out of the groupsapp that we were in together with other friends. I thought that that was a sign of her that she removed herself totally from me. So I accepted that and wanted to move on. Now she started texting me again to ask me How I am doing. After directly replying: im doing fine how are you? She stopped replying and replied back after a day??? Why would someone do that? If you text someone a question you expect a response right? Why would you not reply and ignore for a day. I felt like it was a closed chapter, then she started texting again and again gaslighting me. What should I do now? Reply back directly or wait for a day just like here? But that is so childish

 

[annagerda83]

Thank you guys for the advice. There is a little update. After ignoring each other now for a couple of weeks she got out of the groupsapp that we were in together with other friends. I thought that that was a sign of her that she removed herself totally from me. So I accepted that and wanted to move on. Now she started texting me again to ask me How I am doing. After directly replying: im doing fine how are you? She stopped replying and replied back after a day??? Why would someone do that? If you text someone a question you expect a response right? Why would you not reply and ignore for a day. I felt like it was a closed chapter, then she started texting again and again gaslighting me. What should I do now? Reply back directly or wait for a day just like here? But that is so childish

Sorry to hear about this!

I’d say perhaps she was testing the water; to see if you’d reply to her message or not, hence she ignored you. To see if you miss her or not.

this is just my opinion but perhaps you can also ignore the person for a day and postpone to message her back? Don’t think too much on what’s gonna happen or what her true intention is by gaslighting you, perhaps she was not used to be left alone and got extra clingy and this is one of her way to reel you back in her proximity.

 

[ava2014]

Sorry to hear about this!

I’d say perhaps she was testing the water; to see if you’d reply to her message or not, hence she ignored you. To see if you miss her or not.

this is just my opinion but perhaps you can also ignore the person for a day and postpone to message her back? Don’t think too much on what’s gonna happen or what her true intention is by gaslighting you, perhaps she was not used to be left alone and got extra clingy and this is one of her way to reel you back in her proximity.

Thank you for your advice. She told be that she saw my Snapchat that I was busy working lately, how I was doing with my work. I replied to her in a hour that I was doing fine with working and was indeed busy with some projects. And asked her how she was doing. Then she replied after 8 hours or so, that she was doing good.

I didn't reply to her anymore, not because I want to ignore someone, but just because I dont know what her intentions are with this conversation. It's so empty, no one is really interested in this conversation. It's so weird

 

[freezelouise43]

Hi all, I’m hoping you can help me with some advice regarding my best friend…I live in the UK and he lives in the USA. We met some years back as I have friends over there and when I would visit I gravitated towards staying with him as we have the same interests etc, and he has been over here but mainly I’ve visited every year since 2014 (except last 2 years). We have been as close as brother and sister, in constant contact daily etc. he’s been single the whole time and I am in a long term relationship, but my partner is fine and happy with me visiting him. He’s recently started dating a co-worker, and within 2 weeks of meeting her he was telling me I can no longer stay with him when I visit. This has hurt me alot, but I thought ok fine I’ll stay with my other friend when I visit. I’m due to visit in September and when I mentioned specific dates he just texted back “yay”. He’s basically not remotely interested in making plans or investing in our friendship and he has said his gf doesn’t like him having me as a friend.
I’m grieving for our friendship, but should I just accept that he isn’t bothered?

 

[Clickbait]

He’s recently started dating a co-worker, and within 2 weeks of meeting her he was telling me I can no longer stay with him when I visit. This has hurt me alot, but I thought ok fine I’ll stay with my other friend when I visit. I’m due to visit in September and when I mentioned specific dates he just texted back “yay”. He’s basically not remotely interested in making plans or investing in our friendship and he has said his gf doesn’t like him having me as a friend.
I’m grieving for our friendship, but should I just accept that he isn’t bothered?

It’s very sad that he’s allowing a relative newcomer in his life to dictate to him who he can and cannot be friends with and have stay at his home! I’m guessing you weren’t sharing a bed when you visited, so I find it baffling what her issue would be.

You’ve said “He’s basically not remotely interested in making plans or investing in our friendship” and I wonder what had led you to this conclusion? The fact you can’t stay with him and his only response to your visit so far is “yay”?

Honestly I would try and tackle this with him rather than writing him off given he’s your best friend. It’s fine to say you’re feeling he’s being distant and whilst you respect his new relationship may change some aspects of your friendship, you feel the change has been extreme and he’s essentially dropped you.

I believe everyone deserves a chance to understand if there is an issue and put it right. If he doesn’t respond, or becomes really defensive you might need to just take a break for a while.