Advice needed on a best friend

[freezelouise43]

It’s very sad that he’s allowing a relative newcomer in his life to dictate to him who he can and cannot be friends with and have stay at his home! I’m guessing you weren’t sharing a bed when you visited, so I find it baffling what her issue would be.

You’ve said “He’s basically not remotely interested in making plans or investing in our friendship” and I wonder what had led you to this conclusion? The fact you can’t stay with him and his only response to your visit so far is “yay”?

Honestly I would try and tackle this with him rather than writing him off given he’s your best friend. It’s fine to say you’re feeling he’s being distant and whilst you respect his new relationship may change some aspects of your friendship, you feel the change has been extreme and he’s essentially dropped you.

I believe everyone deserves a chance to understand if there is an issue and put it right. If he doesn’t respond, or becomes really defensive you might need to just take a break for a while.

Thank you for your response and advice when he first got together with her and started acting this way I did call him out on it and he said he was really sorry, relationships are new to him and he doesn’t want to lose me etc, but then he just went right back to acting this way. Last week was the “yay” message and I told him I’d probdbly had more enthusiasm off my dentist when I saw him he said he was sorry he thought he was replying about the holiday I was going on before I go there (in 2 weeks) which I felt was an odd response and probably one to just avoid confrontation….since then we have literally had very few messages…odd one here and there…I think I will send one day straight asking him if he still wants to meet up when I visit, what do you think? Xx

 

[Clickbait]

Thank you for your response and advice when he first got together with her and started acting this way I did call him out on it and he said he was really sorry, relationships are new to him and he doesn’t want to lose me etc, but then he just went right back to acting this way. Last week was the “yay” message and I told him I’d probdbly had more enthusiasm off my dentist when I saw him he said he was sorry he thought he was replying about the holiday I was going on before I go there (in 2 weeks) which I felt was an odd response and probably one to just avoid confrontation….since then we have literally had very few messages…odd one here and there…I think I will send one day straight asking him if he still wants to meet up when I visit, what do you think? Xx

I’d just be clear on the dates when you’ll be visiting and say it would be nice to see him and could he tell you when he’s free. Perhaps you could even meet the new gf just so she can see you’re not a threat/public enemy number one. Then the ball is in his court.

You shouldn’t have to chase his friendship. It sounds like he’s quite new to being in a relationship and he’s making some of the mistakes that people often make - allowing the other person to set the tone, abandoning friends/family to put that person first.

Hopefully you can cut him some slack on his mistakes and be there if/when it comes crashing down. Once he’s burnt and out the other side he’ll realise what to avoid in future although that’s cold comfort for you at the moment. Good luck - hope you can resolve it!

 

[freezelouise43]

I’d just be clear on the dates when you’ll be visiting and say it would be nice to see him and could he tell you when he’s free. Perhaps you could even meet the new gf just so she can see you’re not a threat/public enemy number one. Then the ball is in his court.

You shouldn’t have to chase his friendship. It sounds like he’s quite new to being in a relationship and he’s making some of the mistakes that people often make - allowing the other person to set the tone, abandoning friends/family to put that person first.

Hopefully you can cut him some slack on his mistakes and be there if/when it comes crashing down. Once he’s burnt and out the other side he’ll realise what to avoid in future although that’s cold comfort for you at the moment. Good luck - hope you can resolve it!

Thank you! I’ll drop him a message later with the dates and let you know how he responds, I do understand he’s panicking not to mess things up. And I do hope I can meet her, having the 2 of them as friends would be lovely, I did mention it before but he was non committal- fingers crossed

 

[freezelouise43]

Ok now I’m a bit angry….he might have a wedding to go to, surely it won’t be for 2 whole weeks?! Just so non committal for an 8 year friendship…am I overreacting?

 

[Clickbait]

Ok now I’m a bit angry….he might have a wedding to go to, surely it won’t be for 2 whole weeks?! Just so non committal for an 8 year friendship…am I overreacting?

Honestly I think you are, he didn’t seem to be using the wedding as an excuse, he was mentioning it and seemed receptive about meeting up with you and inviting the gf. I think you’re so sure he’s going to blow you out you’re jumping on any small thing. Just wait for him to get back to you.

 

[freezelouise43]

Honestly I think you are, he didn’t seem to be using the wedding as an excuse, he was mentioning it and seemed receptive about meeting up with the gf. I think you’re so sure he’s going to blow you out you’re jumping on any small thing. Just wait for him to get back to you.

I added this, just because I was feeling hurt that he seems not really bothered about me coming, will see what he says

 

[BettyCrockerr]

Just playing devils advocate here…..


You are not this guys girlfriend. You are a causal trans Atlantic friend who he sees occasionally when you visit. It’s a tiny portion of time that you actually have spent together. You are in a romantic relationship with someone else at home and you have your own life there which your American friend is not a part of and equally he has a life of his own in America and he has now embarked on a romantic relationship of his own - of which you are not involved and to his girlfriend you are a stranger from the other side of the globe who occasionally turns up. It’s no wonder she is a bit wary of you and your intentions and isn’t happy about your staying at his place. I think that’s completely understandable. He’s now building a relationship with her - making plans with her, going to social events, holidays etc and you aren’t part of any of that because you aren’t really part of his life. You are just a sometime friend that he sees very occasionally. I think you need to just recognise now that you have your life and he has his life and while you may have shared a friendship years ago, that things have moved on. Go on holiday with your boyfriend, and see if the 4 of you can meet up? If not, no sweat. But let this guy in American move on.

 

[freezelouise43]

Just playing devils advocate here…..


You are not this guys girlfriend. You are a causal trans Atlantic friend who he sees occasionally when you visit. It’s a tiny portion of time that you actually have spent together. You are in a romantic relationship with someone else at home and you have your own life there which your American friend is not a part of and equally he has a life of his own in America and he has now embarked on a romantic relationship of his own - of which you are not involved and to his girlfriend you are a stranger from the other side of the globe who occasionally turns up. It’s no wonder she is a bit wary of you and your intentions and isn’t happy about your staying at his place. I think that’s completely understandable. He’s now building a relationship with her - making plans with her, going to social events, holidays etc and you aren’t part of any of that because you aren’t really part of his life. You are just a sometime friend that he sees very occasionally. I think you need to just recognise now that you have your life and he has his life and while you may have shared a friendship years ago, that things have moved on. Go on holiday with your boyfriend, and see if the 4 of you can meet up? If not, no sweat. But let this guy in American move on.

I understand all this, and I really want him to be happy but we have been a big part of each other’s life for 8 years. I was there at the hospice when his dad passed away and I’m very close to his mom and sisters…the fact I’m in a long term relationship has never changed how I’ve treated him and just sad he’s not being the same. My partner won’t go to the US as he doesn’t like it (we have a holiday in 2 weeks) but he’s always welcomed my friend to visit and trusts me completely. We have spoken every day for 8 years until recently and whilst I know naturally things evolve and fade I didn’t expect to just be ditched. My other friend who I stay with is his extended family too so it’s an awkward situation all round.

 

[Clickbait]

@BettyCrockerr “It’s no wonder she is a bit wary of you and your intentions and isn’t happy about your staying at his place. I think that’s completely understandable.”

I don’t agree with this. Would you be happy for your boyfriend of 2 weeks to tell you that you were no longer allowed to decide who could and could not be a guest in your own home?!

Perhaps she thinks that they have a sexual history - which I’m presuming is not the case - which he should be explicit is not true. That’s the only reason I’d be uncomfortable with it, but I’d certainly not tell someone I’ve been dating for 2 weeks that he can’t have his friend of 8 years to stay.

Having read many of your posts on Tattle I don’t believe you’d be the type of person to be dictated to in such a manner.

This guy is clearly so happy and grateful to be with someone he’s willing to do whatever she says. That is his prerogative, but the OP has a right to feel hurt, even if it’s not unreasonable for their relationship and the amount of contact to change now he is with someone.

 

[freezelouise43]

@BettyCrockerr “It’s no wonder she is a bit wary of you and your intentions and isn’t happy about your staying at his place. I think that’s completely understandable.”

I don’t agree with this. Would you be happy for your boyfriend of 2 weeks to tell you that you were no longer allowed to decide who could and could not be a guest in your own home?!

Perhaps she thinks that they have a sexual history - which I’m presuming is not the case - which he should be explicit is not true. That’s the only reason I’d be uncomfortable with it, but I’d certainly not tell someone I’ve been dating for 2 weeks that he can’t have his friend of 8 years to stay.

Having read many of your posts on Tattle I don’t believe you’d be the type of person to be dictated to in such a manner.

This guy is clearly so happy and grateful to be with someone he’s willing to do whatever she says. That is his prerogative, but the OP has a right to feel hurt, even if it’s not unreasonable for their relationship and the amount of contact to change now he is with someone.

Thank you he’s come back and said of course we will meet up, I’ll let you all know what pans out xx

 

[BettyCrockerr]

@BettyCrockerr “It’s no wonder she is a bit wary of you and your intentions and isn’t happy about your staying at his place. I think that’s completely understandable.”

I don’t agree with this. Would you be happy for your boyfriend of 2 weeks to tell you that you were no longer allowed to decide who could and could not be a guest in your own home?!

Perhaps she thinks that they have a sexual history - which I’m presuming is not the case - which he should be explicit is not true. That’s the only reason I’d be uncomfortable with it, but I’d certainly not tell someone I’ve been dating for 2 weeks that he can’t have his friend of 8 years to stay.

Having read many of your posts on Tattle I don’t believe you’d be the type of person to be dictated to in such a manner.

This guy is clearly so happy and grateful to be with someone he’s willing to do whatever she says. That is his prerogative, but the OP has a right to feel hurt, even if it’s not unreasonable for their relationship and the amount of contact to change now he is with someone.

I’m not sure how old all the involved people are - it all sounds very teenage/early 20s melodrama but think of it from the girlfriends POV. She’s in a new relationship with a guy she’s into, and then he says that his random “friend” from the UK is coming to visit, she’s going to sleep at his house, she always sleeps at his house etc…. Of course it rings alarm bells!!


It just beggars belief that the boyfriend of the OP doesn’t seem to be arsed that his missus is off galavanting with her Stateside FWB on the regular


It’s all very weird!!!!!!!

 

[Clickbait]

I’m not sure how old all the involved people are - it all sounds very teenage/early 20s melodrama but think of it from the girlfriends POV. She’s in a new relationship with a guy she’s into, and then he says that his random “friend” from the UK is coming to visit, she’s going to sleep at his house, she always sleeps at his house etc…. Of course it rings alarm bells!!


It just beggars belief that the boyfriend of the OP doesn’t seem to be arsed that his missus is off galavanting with her Stateside FWB on the regular


It’s all very weird!!!!!!!

We’ll just have to agree to disagree on this one Betty!

 

[freezelouise43]

I’m not sure how old all the involved people are - it all sounds very teenage/early 20s melodrama but think of it from the girlfriends POV. She’s in a new relationship with a guy she’s into, and then he says that his random “friend” from the UK is coming to visit, she’s going to sleep at his house, she always sleeps at his house etc…. Of course it rings alarm bells!!


It just beggars belief that the boyfriend of the OP doesn’t seem to be arsed that his missus is off galavanting with her Stateside FWB on the regular


It’s all very weird!!!!!!!

Ouch, you don’t know anything about me, I have had no physical relationship with my friend, he’s like my brother. Whilst I took on board your original advice I think your purposely trying to be unkind now. It’s Also totally possible to sleep under the same roof as a man without it being sexual.

 

[Warpaint]

You'll only get a sense of where the friendship will go if you actually meet her. I'm sure you'll pick up any type of feelings towards you straight away. Also if he's different to you in person when you're around him again you'll notice that as well. It's hard to pick up the tone in text so it easy causes confusion.

At least if the friendship ends it will be done face to face (which gives a bit more of a proper conclusion) rather than across the pond via short messages.

There's also the possibility they break up and you're quids in again!

 

[Compassionately_judging]

In my experience (I have a male friend who I have remained friends with for 13 years who is now married with children and we are fine) it is the guy who sets the tone of how the girl interpretes the friendship. Said friend tried to be cool and tell his now wife that there was something between him and the pretty girl of our group (macho male causing drama) and she hates our friend and he's not allowed to see her (nothing ever happened !)

I've lost a friend of 11 years recently to his new girlfriend but that's because he hasn't told her about me at all so I didn't feel comfortable seeing him.

On the other hand my husband has a girl friend who I don't particularly like him seeing because on our first date he too tried to be macho and asked if she was coming onto him by inviting him out just them two for food. So now I don't feel comfortable with him seeing her. He needs to be completely clear with her about your friendship and hopefully you'll all meet up and get on!