Advice for a lovesick friend who's driving me nuts!

[Woolmercardington]

We've been close friends a good six years and within that time I've never known her not to have unrequited crushes on men. It's at the point now where it's driving me around the bend.

I'm constantly giving her all the stock advice of when a man likes you, you'll know it, etc, but she flat out doesn't listen. She'll bombard blokes with messages. Does her best pushing and prodding them into making a move. She'll ask them out in the guise of friendship but it's all an effort to get them to pursue her romantically.

When I first became mates with her she told me she was "in love" with a good male friend of hers - an openly gay man! Of course he rejects her? What's the poor bloke meant to do?

I don't want to go into detail about the individual blokes, but she is tending to see herself as a victim of their "crappy behaviour" when the biggest offense they've committed against her is not being interested in the way she wants. She's not dated them or been in a relationship with them, it's all based on thoughts, feeling and fantasies.

She's currently utterly stressed out about another bloke who is in a relationship. She thinks his GF overheard her telling someone she fancied him, and is claiming the GF is being very creepy towards her. Almost stalking her but in an overly friendly, trying to be her best mate, kind of way.

I don't know whether she is misinterpreting her behaviour or projecting, calling her a psycho, bunny boiler, etc.

She, like me, is 45 yrs of age! I'm also single (I couldn't give a crap anymore) but she's not like that and the way she's carrying on is too much. It's becoming desperate. I really do empathise but I refuse to egg her on. It's a repeating pattern of behaviour, I'm giving her the same advice, but due to her emotional investment in these blokes she just can't see anything objectively or rationally.

I love her as a mate and don't want to lose her friendship. We're meeting on Thursday because she's in another state of stress over this bloke and is claiming to feel increasingly stalked by his GF. Obviously, I'll wait to hear what this woman is doing (supposedly it's continuing to be over-enthusiastically friendly).

What advice can I give me friend? I feel like she needs to speak to someone professionally but I'm worried about upsetting her.

🩷

 

[Snippysnips]

Honestly I think you have done everything you can, it's her decision not to listen

I'd probably suggest she forget the guy an leave him, he's in a relationship an she shouldn't be chasing him especially if the GF has caught on, all it's going to do is cause him an his GF stress an that isn't fair on them

Is there a way you can let her know that you obviously care about the friendship but you don't want to hear it when it comes to her love life? Since she's not listening to you an chasing all the wrong guys

 

[Woolmercardington]

Honestly I think you have done everything you can, it's her decision not to listen

I'd probably suggest she forget the guy an leave him, he's in a relationship an she shouldn't be chasing him especially if the GF has caught on, all it's going to do is cause him an his GF stress an that isn't fair on them

Is there a way you can let her know that you obviously care about the friendship but you don't want to hear it when it comes to her love life? Since she's not listening to you an chasing all the wrong guys

Thanks for your input. If only she'd listen. I think because she's convinced herself his GF is some kind of bunny boiler then he needs to be warned and rescued, etc. I've previously talked her out of revealing her feelings to him but I have an inkling she's considering it again.

She did it with a bloke last year and ended up feeling badly rejected but at least he was single. There's a third person involved here and God knows what stress she might cause.

 

[Snippysnips]

Sometimes when people get a thought in their head they refuse to listen to anyone, is there anyway you could suggest her seeing someone? Or is she going to take that wrong, because at this stage it seems there's more to it than simply chasing guys she likes

She's going after men in relationships which she could possible end up causing them to split due to stress, she doesn't know what either of them are going through or what stage in the relationship they are, he could be ready to propose, either one of them could have been in a bad previous relationship an have trust issues etc

She would probably be better on a dating app, that way she knows that anyone she likes isn't going to be in a relationship (or at least shouldn't be) an the only ones that will talk back will be ones that's interested which could stop her being rejected

 

[Rosie glow]

This reminds me of a girl I used to work with a few years ago who was totally infatuated with one of the young supervisors.
She didn't try to hide it and she was always all over him (he totally enjoyed the attention as he was a bit in love with himself) if they worked the same shift she wouldn’t leave him alone and would get overtime shifts to be with him.
Thing is he was quite newly married at the time and they were trying for a baby too which was common knowledge. It till didn't stop her. It did cause problems for him and his wife as she was a bit insecure anyway.
I think when somebody is infatuated and fixated with someone so much unfortunately any warning you give will probably fall on deaf ears.
Agree with above poster maybe encourage her to try online dating

 

[Woolmercardington]

Thank you both.

Online dating in your 40's is the pits, tbh, and I speak from experience. Honestly, it's the dregs. She has done it on/off in the past but hadn't had any luck. I always get the impression any reasonably desirable mid-40's men are absolutely not looking for a woman of the same age. Even the GF of this bloke is over 10yrs younger. Yes, there are exceptions but few and far between.

This is the first man she's been after who's been in a relationship, but no matter what their status, they are always unavailable to her. Even just by simply not being interested in her. It's a repeating pattern and I really want her to try and see it. But I know she'll nod along and agree but won't take anything onboard.

I think I will gently suggest she sees someone, yes. She had a recent series of telephone counselling that she said was caused by the stress of lockdown, so I don't imagine she would see the need of it, but I think it might be in her best interests.

 

[LaBlonde]

Thank you both.

Online dating in your 40's is the pits, tbh, and I speak from experience. Honestly, it's the dregs. She has done it on/off in the past but hadn't had any luck. I always get the impression any reasonably desirable mid-40's men are absolutely not looking for a woman of the same age. Even the GF of this bloke is over 10yrs younger. Yes, there are exceptions but few and far between.

This is the first man she's been after who's been in a relationship, but no matter what their status, they are always unavailable to her. Even just by simply not being interested in her. It's a repeating pattern and I really want her to try and see it. But I know she'll nod along and agree but won't take anything onboard.

I think I will gently suggest she sees someone, yes. She had a recent series of telephone counselling that she said was caused by the stress of lockdown, so I don't imagine she would see the need of it, but I think it might be in her best interests.

fully agree re online dating - it’s the pits and, if you’re already dealing with some issues around self image and dating in general, it’s not a good idea. i too speak from experience here.

the interesting point to me here is why, like you say, she always picks men who are unavailable in some way. that almost sounds like a conscious choice to me, i get the bad luck of maybe liking one or two guys who turn out to be in a relationship, but ALL of them? does she genuinely want a relationship or does she enjoy the thrill and drama of having a “crush” where nothing can ever happen because she knows (on whatever level) that the man is off limits.

it’s honestly a level of maladaptive daydreaming to me. she can go through the sometimes self destructive emotions of having a crush, and the drama around this, while knowing she won’t have to act.

i would honestly ask her what she wants from these entanglements and if she really just enjoys the drama of being in them. if that’s the case then agree above that some degree of therapy is the only thing that can help.

 

[Badirene]

Two things to consider, firstly is she infatuated with taken/unavailable/uninterested men as they are "safe" and she won't be expected to be in a real relationship with them with all the realities and flaws all people have? This way she gets to be the main character in her own drama with no expectations or risk for her.

Secondly if you started seeing someone what would her reaction be? Would you become the overfriendly bunny boiler that a man needs rescuing from?

What do you get from this friendship, is she supportive of you, caring towards you when you need support? From the outside reading this it seems she treats you as a pair of ears to listen to her latest fantasy and ignores all your kind advice and support.

 

[Woolmercardington]

Two things to consider, firstly is she infatuated with taken/unavailable/uninterested men as they are "safe" and she won't be expected to be in a real relationship with them with all the realities and flaws all people have? This way she gets to be the main character in her own drama with no expectations or risk for her.

Secondly if you started seeing someone what would her reaction be? Would you become the overfriendly bunny boiler that a man needs rescuing from?

What do you get from this friendship, is she supportive of you, caring towards you when you need support? From the outside reading this it seems she treats you as a pair of ears to listen to her latest fantasy and ignores all your kind advice and support.

Well, I think there may have been a break-thru of sorts when we went out. She was really complaining about his GF and that she makes her feel uneasy and that she's trying to push her way into projects, etc, that my friend is involved in. I'm not denying she sounds very full on and a bit of a nuisance but I was playing devil's advocate and tried my best to address the fact that the GF may have deep-rooted insecurities and hearing another woman (who is working closely with her boyfriend) say she fancies him has triggered this over-zealous behaviour. I clearly wasn't telling her what she wanted to hear and I could sense she was getting a bit hacked off.

But then when she started saying about how he looks at her this way/that way/like he's trying to read her and tease her - I put it to her straight and said the issue here isn't the GF that it's her feelings for this woman's boyfriend. That she is besotted, etc. I was very firm.

Well, then she dissolved into tears and admits it. And we had a long discussion about it all. I won't go into the detail but I east got her to be honest. At least about this man. It's quite easy for her to look back in retrospect at the other men and dismiss them as her feeling not being as serious for them as for this latest bloke, but that wasn't the the case at the time.

She is a very good friend who I couldn't lose. I just think she's desperately lonely and more of her feelings are actually fuelled by lust (she thinks she's in love with this man) and the desire to be with someone. I think she gets hooked on the does he or doesn't he like me, etc, the looking for clues and digging for evidence and gets egged on by other people.

For instance, I know she was meeting up with another friend of hers the following evening and I warned her that if she talks to her about this, not to let this friend twist her head back the other way (as she was the main one for egging her on over the previous bloke last year).

 

[Meg78]

Have a Google of the term “limerance” I think perhaps your friend is a candidate

 

[Woolmercardington]

Have a Google of the term “limerance” I think perhaps your friend is a candidate

OMG! I'd never heard of this but you are absolutely correct! I saw your comment this morning and went to research. I found a brilliant article that was my friend in a nutshell. I sent it to her and made her promise to read it.

What happens hours later? I get six lengthy texts in a row about this man again! She saw him this afternoon and she's in turmoil all over again I actually phoned her and asked if she'd even read the article. "Oh, erm, yeah I started it, but er, um..."

Never bothered to read the rest, clearly.

She's utterly infatuated. She's cherry picking everthing this man says to her and completely ignores how he's said to her how much he loves his GF.

I give up

 

[Meg78]

OMG! I'd never heard of this but you are absolutely correct! I saw your comment this morning and went to research. I found a brilliant article that was my friend in a nutshell. I sent it to her and made her promise to read it.

What happens hours later? I get six lengthy texts in a row about this man again! She saw him this afternoon and she's in turmoil all over again I actually phoned her and asked if she'd even read the article. "Oh, erm, yeah I started it, but er, um..."

Never bothered to read the rest, clearly.

She's utterly infatuated. She's cherry picking everthing this man says to her and completely ignores how he's said to her how much he loves his GF.

I give up

I came across the term a while back as it’s quite common for people with ADHD to go a bit OTT with infatuations as it gives them a dopamine hit….. it’s also quite common for them to see a large bulk of text and avoid it like the plague It’s heavily undiagnosed in women and from what you’ve said it wouldn’t surprise me in the slightest if your friend was a candidate.

However, that won’t help you right now. Unfortunately there’s little you can do to halt a car crash you can see happening in slow motion, it’s a very dangerous game for her to be playing with someone who has a significant other. All you can do is protect yourself from the stress, and tell her firmly that he has no interest in her and you find her behaviour uncomfortable, so you’d appreciate if she doesn’t bring up the subject with you anymore. Protect yourself first