Adult friendship advice

[Plasticbox]

So I have this small group of friends and I increasingly feel more and more left out. It makes me feel like I’m 5 again .

They seem to see each other more, text each other more. When I see them they talk about stuff them at they know about but I feel I’m constantly saying ‘ what’s that’ or ‘ I didn’t know that’. They never once ask about me or listen to what I have to say. I feel like everything is brushed under the carpet right in front of me.

We have a group text and the amount of times I wanted to leave it is unreal. They literally just ignore whatever I say.

I feel at this point I wouldn’t be missed as a friend.

Not sure what the point of this is but I feel very lonely and I hate it when other people have large group of friends as it makes me feel like there something wrong with me.

 

[Littlemisadoughnut]

So I have this small group of friends and I increasingly feel more and more left out. It makes me feel like I’m 5 again .

They seem to see each other more, text each other more. When I see them they talk about stuff them at they know about but I feel I’m constantly saying ‘ what’s that’ or ‘ I didn’t know that’. They never once ask about me or listen to what I have to say. I feel like everything is brushed under the carpet right in front of me.

We have a group text and the amount of times I wanted to leave it is unreal. They literally just ignore whatever I say.

I feel at this point I wouldn’t be missed as a friend.

Not sure what the point of this is but I feel very lonely and I hate it when other people have large group of friends as it makes me feel like there something wrong with me.

I feel the exact same being an only child and introvert really hasn't helped me. I made friends easier when I was a teenager / young twenties and drank a lot, and got upto a lot of mischief... Now in my late twenties these friends don't seem to care as much because I'm not out embarrassibg myself and giving them a laugh! Where are you based? We should be friends haha.

 

[Curly Top]

I feel sad that so many of you have felt lonely and excluded. The advice given here has been excellent. For a long time in my life I was a people pleaser and would tie myself in knots to fit in. I often tried to befriend the popular, loud types - who I've since realised are not always my kind of people. I moved schools a lot so I became adept at being a chameleon. If I found someone was a bit unfriendly and aloof, I would think it was my fault and immediately try and get them to like me by asking questions and being very positive. Flattering them. It was exhausting as I am a natural introvert. It never really worked either and I started to despise myself for being such a suck-up.

Some women are very passive aggressive and if they don't like you, instead of being rude to you, they are especially nice to everyone around you. It makes you feel left out and excluded but nobody else notices.

After years of this, I gave up. I try not to give so many compliments and be so impressed with people's stories. You have to make sure that they show interest back. I read a book which said that after a while into a friendship you should ask them for a favour and see if they oblige, or maybe for once be late and see if they complain. You shouldn't always be the one doing all the organising, the giving, accepting less than good manners e.g. being late, not being listened to, etc. This is for your self esteem.

Since then I have found I am a lot happier. I do have some good friends and I really enjoy their company. Others I know aren't that nice, so I don't put so much effort into their nonsense. I don't act over interested in everything they say and I avoid them when I can. You only have one life, and there are decent people out there, you just have to find them.

 

[Practically Perfect]

I am 48 and will tell you this; do not waste time on people who make you feel unhappy. I have lost count of the times i have told my daughter "she is not your friend!" and then have to wipe the tears when ''she" shits all over her again.

Life isnt an episode of friends unfortunately and you are not inadequate if you dont have a multitude of people pretending that they like you and say that they are your mates. If they make you feel shit, move on.

I have not once thought " oh i wish i had stayed friends with so and so" but i have often thought "i am glad she is not in my life anymore". I would rather have one close friend than dozens of aquaintances.

And how do you know who your real friends are? you will know in your heart and gut, if you think "are they my mate?" NO THEY AINT

My best mate is a Bette Davis DVD ( I aleady said i am old) and a brew.

I am always available to be mates but you must love Bette Davis, Books and Bitching about Zoella.

 

[Glitteryshoesandpinktutus]

I had the same. I went through some awful mental health stuff caused by a violent ex and they could not have deserted me faster if they tried. You always read these inspirational stories about how people’s friends rallied round when boyfriends got abusive, but I had to get through it all on my own. After that I kinda prefer my own company tbh. Definitely not groups of friends anymore, I value individual friendships now - quality over quantity!

 

[Didyeaye]

As you get older you really do outgrow friends/groups of friends. If it doesn't seem right to you...listen to your gut! I've been there. Time to do your own thing. Start making new friends either through work/clubs etc. I used to have a lot now im lucky if I can count true friends in the one hand. And it doesn't bother me one bit. Only interested in those who are interested in me.

 

[Shestheman22]

I’ve never had a close group of friends or anyone that I would consider a best friend. We’ve always drifted apart because I start to realise I’m the one making all the effort and when I stop... poof they disappear and we drift apart.
I used to get really upset not getting invited to things but I don’t really care now. I’m used to being at home on my own all the time.
My only friends are my boyfriend and my mum! I would love a few girlfriends but there’s nowhere I could meet them and it’s not worth the hassle. I was briefly friends with my boyfriend’s siblings’ friend but they are a bunch of backstabbed that were always slagging each other off behind their backs.
I tend to be in the same situation as OP where they ignore me or I can’t get a word in. Even walking down the street I get pushed out to the back and I’m in my mid 20s now.

 

[LT31514]

Has anyones friends fell away since having a baby?
I feel like i have noone and ive lost my confidence a bit.
Has anyone felt like this and does it get better?

I’m kind of on the other side of this that my friends have fallen away now they’ve had babies. Understandably their priorities are completely different and they can’t reply to a text in an instance like before. I don’t really have a solution but just wanted to say it works both ways. Maybe if you’re still at home with your baby you could try and have a walk in the park together on your friends lunch break? I don’t know I’m grasping here

 

[Mrs Cucumber]

I've always struggled with female friendships and have always tended to more in with the boy groups. I fell into a female friendship group at 24 on a bridal planning group, became really close to 4 of them but there was always undercurrents in the group! One of them D became my best friend until she met a new friend on the school run and dropped me quicker than a hot spud! Basically women are fickle! I'll stick with the men and being called a slag

 

[Norfolking Good]

I think you already know the answer to this, but reread your own post as though you didn’t write it. What advice would you give?
The above happened to me and it is hard and upsetting but you’re worth more than them. A friend should build you up not make you feel like shit.
I was lucky I very slowly withdrew, after a while they stopped asking me out or engaging with me and I felt 100% better.
You’ll find better and nicer friends x

 

[Raininvain]

People might have large groups of friends for going out etc but when they need some support in times of need I think things will be very different. If you have 1 or 2 really good friends who are sincere, nice and supportive etc you're doing well I think.
I'd say ghost them now OP even if your on your own, they sound to be offering you nothing and are not very nice people. No need for any drama just come out of group chats and dont reply to any of them anymore.
All you can do really is try to meet other people you click with through groups, clubs, work, sports, volunteering etc.If you click with someone it just happens. Dont be scared to be by yourself, its better than being with fakes and users.

 

[KikiC]

So I have this small group of friends and I increasingly feel more and more left out. It makes me feel like I’m 5 again .

They seem to see each other more, text each other more. When I see them they talk about stuff them at they know about but I feel I’m constantly saying ‘ what’s that’ or ‘ I didn’t know that’. They never once ask about me or listen to what I have to say. I feel like everything is brushed under the carpet right in front of me.

We have a group text and the amount of times I wanted to leave it is unreal. They literally just ignore whatever I say.

I feel at this point I wouldn’t be missed as a friend.

Not sure what the point of this is but I feel very lonely and I hate it when other people have large group of friends as it makes me feel like there something wrong with me.

I honestly could of wrote this!!
I cut the cord on my group of "friends" Over a year ago after them ditching plans to go out for my birthday. That was the final straw.
Told them I wasn't falling out with them, I just couldn't be bothered with their shit anymore... Removed myself from group chats etc. I'm much happier now than I was last year but I now don't have any friends as such. I've just flung myself into my work and family.

 

[Justhereforacreep]

I used to have large groups of friends in my early twenties but they were so bitchy and I was more friends with them for going out than actually enjoying their company
Fast forward to being 28, being super close with my boyfriends sister who I speak to everyday and I have a handful of other friends I speak to on a regular basis.
I’m very quiet though and enjoy my own company and I feel becoming comfortable with my true unsociable self has helped me realise I don’t need to entertain shit friendships for the sake of it!

 

[NeighbourhoodWatch]

This was happening to me, then after one night out that I wasnt included on I just stopped talking to all of them, literally cut myself off, none of them came looking for me. There was my group of friends and my younger sisters group, we got joined on nights out etc cause it's a small town. The hardest thing was that my sister actually became best friends with them, to the point that there each others bridesmaids and godmothers. I'm not involved in my sisters life but she tries to pretend were even speaking cause I've had a baby a few months ago.
If your not good at making friends like me it can be lonely but anything I want to do I bring my boyfriend to, and if your at activities with other people and things click you'll make friends.
As everyone has said it will be bad initially but it's not good to stay this way.

 

[ChampagneBox]

I know exactly how you feel, you think you’re over schoolyard nonsense and then you find out you’ve been left out of something those feelings come flooding back like it was yesterday you need to not give them a moment more of your time, it’s hard I know and you may feel even more lonely to begin with but you really don’t want to be around people who act like that, trust me Its better to be alone than around people who make you feel alone x

PSor if you feel confident enough, I’d come out and straight up ask them why they treat you like that. Chances are you won’t get a straight answer but if they know you're on their case it’ll make them squirm a bit and that’s worth something

 

[Amyb97]

When I was 19-21 I hung out with a group of girls who were awful! They’d bitch about each other when the other wasn’t there - saying really personal remarks about their looks, their bodies - laughing at photos they put on social media - horrible girls!

I decided to just ghost them and cut all contact... I had a few messages from some of them but made up reasons as to why I couldn’t meet. since not being friends with them I’ve made friends with two women that have become very integral to my life and actually look out for me / care!

once you stop putting your energy into shitty friendships and start to value yourself more you will eventually meet the right people! BUT - you do have to put yourself out there! I’m VERY shy and I went to tonnes of meet ups and clubs in my local area. Sometimes I wanted to hide in the toilets or cry (im a grown woman but I suffer from anxiety which is just great!! Haha) but you just have to push through it!

 

[Lolly505]

I've had similar experiences in the past and I know it can be rough, especially if there isn't anything you've done 'wrong' that you can tell. Sometimes it can just be as simple as drifting apart, as much as it sucks.

However, in my case, the biggest incident happened with my group of 'BFFs' at uni (four of us in total and my first tight-knit friendship) where I started feeling more and more excluded, due to my own mental health. When I tried to bring it up, they all insisted that wasn't the case and got mad at me for suggesting they didn't care (even though I explained I just felt isolated and I probably wasn't seeing things clearly). To cut a long story short, they ended up excluding me for real after that - not noticeably at first until they all turned on me one day because they felt I wasn't put enough effort in to a group project as well as our friendship (and they insisted that my depression was just an excuse)
As awful and lonely as I felt afterwards (esp. because my 'friends' became terrible bullies, which I didn't expect to happen in my twenties), it ended up being one of the most freeing things that ever happened to me because I realised how pressured I'd been feeling to say and do the rights things to impress them instead of just being myself. Even though I didn't think I would, I ended up finding other groups of friends (through different clubs and volunteering) who like me as I am - without all the drama.

While I can't know if your situation is as toxic as mine, I can say that while you definitely can read more into a situation than the other person actually meant, you also know how and why you feel how you feel. And you shouldn't have to settle for feeling unwanted when there almost certainly will be people out there who want to be your friend

 

[Bagpuss75]

I have a group of friends who I go on occasion days out with ect..today I saw the 3 of them have a whatapp group that I'm excluded from..one made a point of mentioning the other whatsapp group the 4 of us are in..i really think it's petty behaviour I wonder if they talk about me on the other group...worse my best friend of over 20 years is admin of both groups..we are all adults not that the behavior says as much.

 

[DanaScully]

I once had a friend group like this and eventually I just stopped making an effort and the friendship fizzled out.

It was causing me more strife than anything positive I was getting out of it so ultimately it was for the best. I don't have many friends now but with that comes no drama, so it's a win for me.

 

[breadandbuttah]

Has anyones friends fell away since having a baby?
I feel like i have noone and ive lost my confidence a bit.
Has anyone felt like this and does it get better?