I’ve tried writing my post a few t8mes but it’s too difficult and I keep deleting and rewriting, too many thoughts swirling. I’ll try to keep it brief. But it’s very raw at the moment.
I joined 2017, was one of the ones who “smashed it”etc, felt on top of the world.
Then life happened and no longer had full time to devote to fitness and long story short I regained all my weight plus quite a bit more.
and I’ve spentyears beating myself up for it. I’ve come across this today debating whether to start using RH again (I never cancelled my subs, just kept it muted).
in the middle of all thisa was diagnosed autistic, adhd and bed (whic( hadevolved from a lifetimeof disordered eating I noe know was autism related).
I have felt so guilty, I’ve hated myself, I can’t look in a mirror. All I can hear is RH voice in my head, and then my own voice In my head using his words and phrases.
even writing this out I’m telling myself “no one gives ashite, stop being a moany arsehole”
I emailedmy gp last weekbegging forhelp, she arranged for me to go in for full bloods today and an appt Monday to see her. I’ve sobbedmy heart out to the nurse doing my bloods.
I had cbt and she told me I was too complex a case for them to help and discharged me. Which cemented in my mind I’m a lost cause and worthless.
anyway over past few days been reading over this thread and seeing similar people in same situation (started crying when I saw another lady wit( late diagnosed ASD/ADHD) and it’s shifted something in me,
I am worthy. I’ve been made to feel worthless by being expected to life up to unrealistic expectations, unrealistic for a nuerotypical person, but it’s ok for me to recognise ASD and ADHD cause 3xtrahurdles and not to feel guilty.
I have double hip displasia(sp?) (pregnancy/childbirth injury) acl tear in knee (childhood injury).
I’m recognis8ng internalised ableism, that I’ve been let down by someone (RH) I trusted (I got personal video replies, I honestly thought he cared). I’ve been deceived and betrayed, I know everyone has but it’s raw and I’m feeling it personally (bloody ASD and inflated emotions lol)
sorry it’s all scrambled,typing direct from my brain. My thoughts are swirling and I can’t organise them or put theminto words.
sorry this doesn’t make sense it’s a jumbledmess, I just neeeded to get it out
I’ve tried writing my post a few t8mes but it’s too difficult and I keep deleting and rewriting, too many thoughts swirling. I’ll try to keep it brief. But it’s very raw at the moment.
I joined 2017, was one of the ones who “smashed it”etc, felt on top of the world.
Then life happened and no longer had full time to devote to fitness and long story short I regained all my weight plus quite a bit more.
and I’ve spentyears beating myself up for it. I’ve come across this today debating whether to start using RH again (I never cancelled my subs, just kept it muted).
in the middle of all thisa was diagnosed autistic, adhd and bed (whic( hadevolved from a lifetimeof disordered eating I noe know was autism related).
I have felt so guilty, I’ve hated myself, I can’t look in a mirror. All I can hear is RH voice in my head, and then my own voice In my head using his words and phrases.
even writing this out I’m telling myself “no one gives ashite, stop being a moany arsehole”
I emailedmy gp last weekbegging forhelp, she arranged for me to go in for full bloods today and an appt Monday to see her. I’ve sobbedmy heart out to the nurse doing my bloods.
I had cbt and she told me I was too complex a case for them to help and discharged me. Which cemented in my mind I’m a lost cause and worthless.
anyway over past few days been reading over this thread and seeing similar people in same situation (started crying when I saw another lady wit( late diagnosed ASD/ADHD) and it’s shifted something in me,
I am worthy. I’ve been made to feel worthless by being expected to life up to unrealistic expectations, unrealistic for a nuerotypical person, but it’s ok for me to recognise ASD and ADHD cause 3xtrahurdles and not to feel guilty.
I have double hip displasia(sp?) (pregnancy/childbirth injury) acl tear in knee (childhood injury).
I’m recognis8ng internalised ableism, that I’ve been let down by someone (RH) I trusted (I got personal video replies, I honestly thought he cared). I’ve been deceived and betrayed, I know everyone has but it’s raw and I’m feeling it personally (bloody ASD and inflated emotions lol)
sorry it’s all scrambled,typing direct from my brain. My thoughts are swirling and I can’t organise them or put theminto words.
sorry this doesn’t make sense it’s a jumbledmess, I just neeeded to get it out
Well holy crap, I wrote it and can barely make sense of it. I’ve stopped crying now, my meltdown is fading. I have gone through and left the group and unfollowed everything RH related. And feel a huge weight lifted off.
Im heading off to bed soon and tomorrow going to give my head a wobble and see where I can start living my life again and trying to stop the guilt and negative thoughts and try liking myself again.
Apologies for my outburst, I don’t have ‘real life’ friends or people I can vent to so you all got it ha ha