Narcissistic and toxic parents #2

[Rodneytrotter]

Oh wow, that is a lot of money

What will happen if she doesn't pay you x

Post too short

They said if she doesn't then I can apply to have her removed as executor which obviously would cost more. They were very nice and honest about everything and they knew their stuff. They said I could wait until I receive the money before I pay but obviously I don't know how much I am due.

The £1800 is to pay for a letter to be sent to her telling her that I am requesting my share, informing her of her obligations as executor and requesting the accounts.
Then they will work out how much I will receive.

They also said that I could write to her myself and tell her that I am requesting my share. They said if she ignores me or refuses then they'd pick it up from there. But in all honesty I wouldnt know what to write, especially as I'm now no contact,and I'd risk my dad getting in touch.

Eta they also said that she had not used a solicitor for this but is doing it all herself using an online system and there is a risk that she has spent/ will spend it (but that she would still owe me.

 

[susan1375]

So an update on my auntie keeping my share of my gran's will after she tried to get my narc dad to pressure me to waive my share so that she can keep 100% of it:

Citizen's advice were very nice but I'm not entitled to any sort of legal aid so the only thing is to contact solicitor. Spoke to solicitor's secretary today and they said they will give me a call back by the end of the week with a plan and the cost. Not sure whether I'll be able to afford any of it so I guess I'm no further ahead really.

Try a local uni - the law students sometimes run clinics and are monitored by their lecturers to check they don’t mess up! I think exams start soon and then they are off till sept but if a solicitor is too expensive you could try a student run legal advice clinic (free).

 

[Bettyboo2475]

They said if she doesn't then I can apply to have her removed as executor which obviously would cost more. They were very nice and honest about everything and they knew their stuff. They said I could wait until I receive the money before I pay but obviously I don't know how much I am due.

The £1800 is to pay for a letter to be sent to her telling her that I am requesting my share, informing her of her obligations as executor and requesting the accounts.
Then they will work out how much I will receive.

They also said that I could write to her myself and tell her that I am requesting my share. They said if she ignores me or refuses then they'd pick it up from there. But in all honesty I wouldnt know what to write, especially as I'm now no contact,and I'd risk my dad getting in touch.

Eta they also said that she had not used a solicitor for this but is doing it all herself using an online system and there is a risk that she has spent/ will spend it (but that she would still owe me.

I'm so sorry. They can never take away what you had with your gran. It really is hard to stay no contact when put under pressure, I'm realising that I keep being hooked back by being told my parents are poorly

 

[Rodneytrotter]

Try a local uni - the law students sometimes run clinics and are monitored by their lecturers to check they don’t mess up! I think exams start soon and then they are off till sept but if a solicitor is too expensive you could try a student run legal advice clinic (free).

I'll look into this thank you. They did say that I should shop around as they are quite expensive

I'm so sorry. They can never take away what you had with your gran. It really is hard to stay no contact when put under pressure, I'm realising that I keep being hooked back by being told my parents are poorly

Yes that's true thank you

They're giving you a dose of emotional blackmail are they?

 

[Mollywobbles]

They said if she doesn't then I can apply to have her removed as executor which obviously would cost more. They were very nice and honest about everything and they knew their stuff. They said I could wait until I receive the money before I pay but obviously I don't know how much I am due.

The £1800 is to pay for a letter to be sent to her telling her that I am requesting my share, informing her of her obligations as executor and requesting the accounts.
Then they will work out how much I will receive.

They also said that I could write to her myself and tell her that I am requesting my share. They said if she ignores me or refuses then they'd pick it up from there. But in all honesty I wouldnt know what to write, especially as I'm now no contact,and I'd risk my dad getting in touch.

Eta they also said that she had not used a solicitor for this but is doing it all herself using an online system and there is a risk that she has spent/ will spend it (but that she would still owe me.

When I was executor for my Dad, I had to fill in the probate forms, take them to the local court and they checked them for accuracy and death duties.
Then I had to swear I would distribute legacies as according to the will, etc.
Could you contact the court and ask/tell them what is going on and ask for advice.?

 

[Rodneytrotter]

When I was executor for my Dad, I had to fill in the probate forms, take them to the local court and they checked them for accuracy and death duties.
Then I had to swear I would distribute legacies as according to the will, etc.
Could you contact the court and ask/tell them what is going on and ask for advice.?

Thank you It's definitely worth looking into. If I think about it too much I get either really angry or sad. I'm most upset about the fact that they didn't offer me one of her brooches, I saw my cousin (auntie's daughter) wearing one and it just made me sad.

Do you know I think the hatred of me is because I went NC with my dad who isn't even their blood relative he's their in law.

 

[klarakluckbag]

You don't need a solicitor to write a letter to demand that your gran's estate is distributed in accordance with her will. (And to be fair, the expensive solicitor also said that)
Don't worry about your dad, if he kicks off, just tell him to do one, it's literally none of his business. You just need to draft a basic letter, something like this ...

Dear grasping auntie.

I am writing to state my intention to claim my share of my grandmother's estate, as detailed in her last will and testament, a copy of which is currently held by me.
As executor, you will understand that it is your legal responsibility to ensure that the estate is distributed according to her wishes. Please note that I have absolutely no desire to relinquish my share to you, nor to anyone else.
If you feel that you are unable to distribute the estate as per the will, you are welcome to rescind your duties, whereby a new executor may be appointed. I have spoken with my lawyer who advises that, should you attempt to deprive me of my rightful inheritance, legal action can be taken against you, along with steps to remove you as executor.
I look forward to next hearing from you, with a full breakdown of the account, along with details of when I can expect my inheritance.
Kind Regards
RodneyTrotter.

It might put a rocket up her backside, and hopefully she'll realise that she can't just pocket your money!

 

[Rodneytrotter]

You don't need a solicitor to write a letter to demand that your gran's estate is distributed in accordance with her will. (And to be fair, the expensive solicitor also said that)
Don't worry about your dad, if he kicks off, just tell him to do one, it's literally none of his business. You just need to draft a basic letter, something like this ...

Dear grasping auntie.

I am writing to state my intention to claim my share of my grandmother's estate, as detailed in her last will and testament, a copy of which is currently held by me.
As executor, you will understand that it is your legal responsibility to ensure that the estate is distributed according to her wishes. Please note that I have absolutely no desire to relinquish my share to you, nor to anyone else.
If you feel that you are unable to distribute the estate as per the will, you are welcome to rescind your duties, whereby a new executor may be appointed. I have spoken with my lawyer who advises that, should you attempt to deprive me of my rightful inheritance, legal action can be taken against you, along with steps to remove you as executor.
I look forward to next hearing from you, with a full breakdown of the account, along with details of when I can expect my inheritance.
Kind Regards
RodneyTrotter.

It might put a rocket up her backside, and hopefully she'll realise that she can't just pocket your money!

Aww thank you so much! I'm going to send this to her next week.

 

[Rodneytrotter]

Update on my will situation (sorry ). Received an angry letter from my auntie telling me to send bank details for the share of her mother's will. It was actually worded as 'my mother's will'. Apparently we are forgetting she was MY grandmother.

Anyway I lost it and phoned her straight away and asked her why she has such a problem with me. She said it was my behaviour towards my father (her brother in law). Anyway she is adamant that it doesn't matter what he does but I should forgive him. So we agreed to disagree on that.

Anyway she will be sending over my share within the next couple of weeks. Just need to regulate myself as I've been shaking ever since I spoke to her.

 

[Mollywobbles]

Update on my will situation (sorry ). Received an angry letter from my auntie telling me to send bank details for the share of her mother's will. It was actually worded as 'my mother's will'. Apparently we are forgetting she was MY grandmother.

Anyway I lost it and phoned her straight away and asked her why she has such a problem with me. She said it was my behaviour towards my father (her brother in law). Anyway she is adamant that it doesn't matter what he does but I should forgive him. So we agreed to disagree on that.

Anyway she will be sending over my share within the next couple of weeks. Just need to regulate myself as I've been shaking ever since I spoke to her.

Now, when you get the money…splurge! Do not use it to pay bills ( unless you are really short of money) but treat yourself!

 

[NotAgain?]

Update on my will situation (sorry ). Received an angry letter from my auntie telling me to send bank details for the share of her mother's will. It was actually worded as 'my mother's will'. Apparently we are forgetting she was MY grandmother.

Anyway I lost it and phoned her straight away and asked her why she has such a problem with me. She said it was my behaviour towards my father (her brother in law). Anyway she is adamant that it doesn't matter what he does but I should forgive him. So we agreed to disagree on that.

Anyway she will be sending over my share within the next couple of weeks. Just need to regulate myself as I've been shaking ever since I spoke to her.

Ah, she's a real manipulator. Well done for calling it out and getting your rightful due. I love the previous poster's idea but honestly I'd just sit on the money until you've calmed down. I always do something that's against my best interests when I'm shakey and anxious from an attack. Take your time and give yourself a big pat on the back for standing up for yourself.

 

[Ohreallynow]

So glad to have found this thread. Do you ever feel like you just don't have the energy for therapy because where the f do you start from...?! And some of it so horrible that it sounds like the plot of a very bad film?!

 

[Nonah]

So glad to have found this thread. Do you ever feel like you just don't have the energy for therapy because where the f do you start from...?! And some of it so horrible that it sounds like the plot of a very bad film?!

You don’t necessarily have to talk about awful things that have happened to get the most out of therapy. Definitely don’t let the thought that you have to do so stop you from seeking help xxx

 

[Beth1980]

Update on my will situation (sorry ). Received an angry letter from my auntie telling me to send bank details for the share of her mother's will. It was actually worded as 'my mother's will'. Apparently we are forgetting she was MY grandmother.

Anyway I lost it and phoned her straight away and asked her why she has such a problem with me. She said it was my behaviour towards my father (her brother in law). Anyway she is adamant that it doesn't matter what he does but I should forgive him. So we agreed to disagree on that.

Anyway she will be sending over my share within the next couple of weeks. Just need to regulate myself as I've been shaking ever since I spoke to her.

Try not to let her get to you, far from easy I know, but they want to cause distress and feel like they still have some control. Hope things get easier for you going forward.

 

[NotAgain?]

So glad to have found this thread. Do you ever feel like you just don't have the energy for therapy because where the f do you start from...?! And some of it so horrible that it sounds like the plot of a very bad film?!

In my experience you do have to put in a bit of energy and effort but after the first, say 4-5 weeks it gets calmer and you get into a groove with it. It starts helping after a while and you develop a background and a relationship with the therapist.

Also what's interesting is that you might think some interactions with your narc parent are normal and yet you can't understand why you feel so tit, or you're being gaslit, the therapist will see through that for you. It's not just about the big past trauma events, it's about learning about manipulation and boundaries. Getting tools to stop stuff happening in the present. And how to stop feeling guilty for standing up for yourself I loved that one. Still struggle with it sometimes.

Don't be put off - it is a lot, but it's a relationship where you are 100% in the driving seat and you can stop if you want, when you want.

 

[susan1375]

Update on my will situation (sorry ). Received an angry letter from my auntie telling me to send bank details for the share of her mother's will. It was actually worded as 'my mother's will'. Apparently we are forgetting she was MY grandmother.

Anyway I lost it and phoned her straight away and asked her why she has such a problem with me. She said it was my behaviour towards my father (her brother in law). Anyway she is adamant that it doesn't matter what he does but I should forgive him. So we agreed to disagree on that.

Anyway she will be sending over my share within the next couple of weeks. Just need to regulate myself as I've been shaking ever since I spoke to her.

Make sure she includes a copy of the will - I didn’t do this and to this day I am sure that the executors just sent a random amount not the amount my godmother specified,

 

[klarakluckbag]

Update on my will situation (sorry ). Received an angry letter from my auntie telling me to send bank details for the share of her mother's will. It was actually worded as 'my mother's will'. Apparently we are forgetting she was MY grandmother.

Anyway I lost it and phoned her straight away and asked her why she has such a problem with me. She said it was my behaviour towards my father (her brother in law). Anyway she is adamant that it doesn't matter what he does but I should forgive him. So we agreed to disagree on that.

Anyway she will be sending over my share within the next couple of weeks. Just need to regulate myself as I've been shaking ever since I spoke to her.

Oh, I'm so glad that you're going to get your money without too much of a fight. Please ignore her rants, your relationship with your father is nothing to do with her. Not sure why she is inserting herself into your dramas, but maybe she has nothing else that is interesting going on in her life? Take your inheritance, and block her number. Who needs the stress?

 

[Rodneytrotter]

Oh, I'm so glad that you're going to get your money without too much of a fight. Please ignore her rants, your relationship with your father is nothing to do with her. Not sure why she is inserting herself into your dramas, but maybe she has nothing else that is interesting going on in her life? Take your inheritance, and block her number. Who needs the stress?

Thank you, yes she backed off a bit when I told her a couple of things he's done to me but to be honest it's hard enough having to go no contact without having to justify it to someone who is determined not to understand. She said at the end that she just hopes I will go to his funeral when the time comes and give him the respect he deserves. What a joke.

 

[Maid22]

Thank you, yes she backed off a bit when I told her a couple of things he's done to me but to be honest it's hard enough having to go no contact without having to justify it to someone who is determined not to understand. She said at the end that she just hopes I will go to his funeral when the time comes and give him the respect he deserves. What a joke.

Haven't posted in here for ages, but do read, Im sorry for the stress you're going through, you really don't need this, take no notice of the funeral talk, that's a really low blow, trust me, they deserve no respect, and no guilt when you find out they've died, you have one life, and I know it's easier said than done, but you will feel better when you cut the toxic ones from your life x

Also @klarakluckbag, that letter is bang on, I wish I could write like that, I know what I want to say sometimes, but it doesn't come out right! You were spot on x

 

[cosytoes]

If you google Tattle. It is described as toxic, negative and bitchy. a forum full of bullying and harassment.

But this thread is incredible. It’s a safe space full of support and empathy. Advice and support.

I rarely post but lurk in a few threads. But this thread is the one place I can pour my heart out and not be judged.

My relationship with my narc mother is fraught and I often feel like I’m constantly moaning about her to my family and friends. So to be able to off load without judgement is better than therapy.

So carry on tattling guys. Thank you for all your virtual support