Dating after lockdown #36 Have you dated a man? You may be entitled to compensation.

[HelloStereo]

Thanks for your kind message.

Whats difficult is that I was already here before we met,

thanks for your kind message! What makes it difficult is that I already lived here before we started dating so I already have a life I built, with my own income and career. I am totally independent, but I was honest in telling him I’m not certain I would always want to stay here (already been here 5 years since I was 25) just because the career options are limited outside of my current employer. Everything else is great and much better than home (in my opinion) I already feel integrated without the language and that’s something I would push myself to learn if I stayed here with him.

My biggest fear is staying here to make it work with him longer than what I would have really wanted, having kids and maybe splitting up and then I’m stuck here with limited career options.

His ex wife was from Brazil and moved here to be with him, so he knows what it takes to have an international relationship. It’s not his first rodeo.

Prior to this death in the family he was even googling visas and work options in other countries where we were happy to go. Now something switched and he’s not open to it at all and it seemed to be the bereavement.

So would you stay there or are you set on returning home soon? It feels like you moved there off your own accord, not for someone and I feel like there is a difference. The only reason he would move to the UK with you is because of you, and that is so much pressure. Whereas with you there were other things that drew you abroad and you made a life of your own there, not totally dependent on him.

Maybe experiencing the death of your grandma made him realise that life is quite short and he didn't want to be so far apart from loved ones and he wanted to spend as much time as possible with them while he can?

 

[boomska]

It’s bleak out there at the moment. I had one guy re-arrange a date because his dog died over the weekend….apparently,

Then when I signed up with a fake profile (don’t ask lol) & started talking to him, his dog was alive and well & is having beef tonight for dinner

I am starting to think I am forever gonna be alone

 

[Hidingbehind69]

I feel like potentially it was a case of “tell you what you want to hear” when you originally started dating. Now that something has happened to make you bring up or question where you want to be in life, he’s panicking about what he said a year ago.

I’ve never been in this situation but I have seen people make compromises about what they truely want and down the line, it comes back to bite them. If you want to eventually move back home, you want to be with someone who is willing to compromise and adapt their lives to be with you. You’re not saying you need to move now, just know that it’s a possibility and one to be discussed.

Why should you give up something you want to suit then when they’re not willing to do the same. If he is that good at his career, he wouldn’t have to start over, just start somewhere new. Sounds like excuses to me.

Having said that, I’d maybe put this to the back of your mind whilst your dealing with your grief. Focus on you for now and the memories with your Grandmother. I also think it’s very telling how a partner handles your grief as well. I’m sorry for your loss.

Thank you very much, your right about putting it to the back of my mind, I think this bombshell (whilst not the best timing) has been a source of distraction.
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So would you stay there or are you set on returning home soon? It feels like you moved there off your own accord, not for someone and I feel like there is a difference. The only reason he would move to the UK with you is because of you, and that is so much pressure. Whereas with you there were other things that drew you abroad and you made a life of your own there, not totally dependent on him.

Maybe experiencing the death of your grandma made him realise that life is quite short and he didn't want to be so far apart from loved ones and he wanted to spend as much time as possible with them while he can?

I'm not set on returning soon and would be willing to stay here longer if I knew at some point in the future we would return (like to raise our family there longer term). I work for an international company and would always find work at home no problem, but what scares me about being here long term is my options outside of the current company are very limited.

If I wasn't already here, I wouldn't choose to stay just to be with any man put it that way, but now I am already here and have built a life, it's the long term happiness I want to try and secure.

For example, if I was at home I have a much bigger job market to choose from so if my current company went bust or I wanted to leave then it wouldn't be a problem to find something else I am trained in. Another point is, if we broke up, I wouldn't want to be stuck here with young kids on my own until they were of an age where I could move them legally.

It's basically been a GREAT place during my late 20s and early 30s but not where I see myself wanting to live and die and put down my family roots.

I still went into the world of dating whilst I was here because why should I be alone either, and I always tried to search for guys that were 'open' to relocating as this one first was.

 

[BWGossip]

Could it be a form of the "slow fade", the start of a break-up from his side, or to give you a good reason to break up with him?

I know a guy who does that to every woman he dates (he only dates foreigners, for that reason) as it gives him a nice excuse to break up while it makes him look like a good guy

 

[Hidingbehind69]

I know a guy who does that to every woman he dates (he only dates foreigners, for that reason) as it gives him a nice excuse to break up while it makes him look like a good guy

Piece of tit

 

[whathastheworldcometo]

Thanks for your advice!

I would be inclined to believe your comment about the slow fade if his behaviour was consistent with what he is now telling me but it isn't. He spent the weekend repeatedly telling me he hopes we can make it work and find alignment, how he loves me and doesn't want to be with anyone else and wants to build a future with me. But just not outside of his home country. I know it seems selfish and that one person always compromises more in international relationship, but am I being unreasonable asking him to be open of emigrating in the future? Like I would stay and raise children here if I knew at some point we would go back to the UK in like the next 5-10 years but he isn't even open to that anymore.

To top it off, he dropped this bombshell on me whilst I am currently griefing the loss of my grandmother, a very close and important person in my life. I think him seeing me deal with the death and bereavement from a distance has scared him about moving and leaving his parents because until this happened, he was open.

He states his main reason is his career, he doesn't want to 'start from scratch' somewhere else, although we would both be doing so.

I have a few thoughts on what you said here -

Firstly, he says his main reason is his career, but you believe your bereavement triggered his change of heart. How come? You don't seem v aligned.
Do you think he is not being honest with himself or feeding you an excuse for another reason?

Secondly, he tells you how much he loves you and wants to build a life with you, but only in his home country. So there are limits and conditions to his love? What if you needed to relocate, maybe because someone in the UK would need you?
Words are cheap comes to mind.

I am sorry that this does not sound very kind, I guess I also feel a bit angry for you. Why could he not think it through initially, he was in the same career then, wasn't he? Did he tell you too quickly that he would relocate without really considering it? Or did he want the relationship wtih you more than he wanted to be honest (and risk losing you)?

I like the advice given by "adventureisoutthere".

Finally, I think you say it all here, in a response to another posting:
"Another point is, if we broke up, I wouldn't want to be stuck here with young kids on my own until they were of an age where I could move them legally.

It's basically been a GREAT place during my late 20s and early 30s but not where I see myself wanting to live and die and put down my family roots."

This says it all. It is a real risk. Every relationship can end, especially with the added stress of children.
Even if you would be able to move them legally - would you then want to take them out of their environment, remove them from their friends, schools etc? Probably not. It would also not be fair on children to be relocated: they didn't ask for it and it can be difficult, traumatic even, for them.
In my view you should be comfortable with staying there even if you were to separate from your partner if you had children.

 

[Rach472]

Ladies stay strong, i lurk here daily and am behind you all. Don't settle for anyone, know your worth.

An update on me, after 6 months with my gorgeous ginger fwb and him saying he liked me as of today we are now official. I was so stressed as he went a bit silent and said we needed a chat thinking he was gonna end things but it was actually that he wanted more and was worried i wasn't in the same place. I love the slow and easy pace we are going at. We had a talk and agreed to always have honest and open communication. Know each others triggers. We are people who really like each other and share interests and quality time together. Haven't met each others kids yet, not pushing anything, apart from the fact of us meeting on fab it's been so organic in its progression. I've never actually fancied anyone I've been in a relationship with before till now, is that weird?!
Happy wee woman today

 

[timtams]

Soo I don't want to jinx it, but I've had 3 dates with a guy who I really like, and he just seems like a genuinely nice, normal and laid back person.

He's just so easy to talk to and I feel like I've known him for ages. So far no red flags and no signs of playing games, no love bombing, not trying to rush things, it's just chilled. We have a lot in common and it feels like our lives could mix pretty well if it went further. He's taller than me (I'm 6'1 so that's hard to find when shorter women like talk guys too!!) and I'm super attracted to him.

We haven't kissed yet, I get so anxious about that part initially, nearly did today on our third date but I turned my head. I need to just do it but I worry I'll go in for it and he won't reciprocate so please can someone knock some sense in to me about that and I'll try and make it happen when we next see each other haha. The next date might be our first that involves drinks, which would help me relax a bit!

 

[EddyDarling]

@rach4so happy for you!

@timtams hes probably having the same nerves!

 

[dreamteam1]

Is anyone else fed up of men hiding stuff on their profiles? Oh you know those two babies you just had and are clearly on your Facebook!

 

[EyeLoveIcelands]

Is anyone else fed up of men hiding stuff on their profiles? Oh you know those two babies you just had and are clearly on your Facebook!

Or on Bumble “Open to Kids” but in conversation they reveal they already have kids and (pretend to) wonder why you think it’s misleading!!

 

[harveydean]

Men are liars and will tell you whatever they think is going to get you to sleep with them. That’s their #1 motivation. Period.

 

[freezelouise43]

Men are liars and will tell you whatever they think is going to get you to sleep with them. That’s their #1 motivation. Period.

This is what I struggle with, the lovebombing then almost pathological loss of interest once they get what they want…appreciate this is t everyone but it is always the one you want 🫠🫠🫠🫠

 

[w8g]

Men are liars

Story time!
Let me share my recent experience and all the lies one guy told me..



We agreed to meet for the first time after work one day. I was just a couple minutes late and he was already there. But when I reached the venue, I couldn't spot anyone who looked like he was waiting for a date. As it turned out, he's a lot older and bigger than the photos he used online that's why I didn't recognise him.



First thing he said to me was that most dates he went on said he's much better looking IRL than in photos. jesus christ he's either lying through his teeth or is completely delusional about how he looks.



He said he works in "investment" (his words). But it was really easy for me to pull up information on him. He's a junior marketing assistant at L&G. That's hardly "working in investment" or even adjacent to it.



Not so much a lie but a red flag. He said he'd split up with his ex who is now in a relationship with another woman. He said "I guess you could say I married a lesbian". He said lesbian in quite a derogatory tone which I found offensive.



Profile said he went to university. In person, he told me he dropped out after year 1.



Profile said he's 41 but he's actually 46. I know because he showed me his driver's licence, God even knows why he did that.



I sent a text the next day to say thanks but no thanks. And to soften the blow, I said we'd make great friends (nope I didn't mean it).
He replied with a really bitter "be sure to clock me up as a useless contact. and well done for the visa" referring to my past relationship as I wasn't originally from the UK.




He massively misrepresented himself online. I felt quite deceived but just shrugged it off. I'm not angry at all, and I find it quite laughable that there are middle aged men out there who would behave so immaturely and deceitful.

Yes it is dreadful out there. And yes the apps aren't helping. And although I'm still single, I've had some pleasant dates even though they never led anywhere. I still enjoy meeting new people and hearing their stories as long as they are not out to deceive.

 

[Blueblue123]

This is what I struggle with, the lovebombing then almost pathological loss of interest once they get what they want…appreciate this is t everyone but it is always the one you want 🫠🫠🫠🫠

And even then, some of them don't lovebomb and completely act normal and undetectable, leaving you feeling like the fool and wondering how you missed signs. But it's not unreasonable to believe that if someone acts like they like you, then that must be the case.

It's exhausting!

Oh, silly me for believing you when you said you were looking for something serious/had no children/wasn't already married.

I just wanna date and have fun while doing it, not be inspector gadget or the ice queen just in case the other person isn't who they say they are.

 

[whathastheworldcometo]

This is what I struggle with, the lovebombing then almost pathological loss of interest once they get what they want…appreciate this is t everyone but it is always the one you want 🫠🫠🫠🫠

Why are these always the ones you want? What do you like about them?

And do you mean once they slept with you when you say "once they get what they want"?

 

[Kitty kat 20]

Any man that lies to get you to sleep with them is nothing but a pathetic pos. Instant put off.

 

[freezelouise43]

Why are these always the ones you want? What do you like about them?

And do you mean once they slept with you when you say "once they get what they want"?

Yes I mean once I feel secure with them and have started to fall for them and been intimate and they lose interest after the initial chase, I wouldn’t sleep with someone unless I really liked them anyway so by the time it’s got to that point yes I’ve caught feelings

 

[whathastheworldcometo]

Yes I mean once I feel secure with them and have started to fall for them and been intimate and they lose interest after the initial chase, I wouldn’t sleep with someone unless I really liked them anyway so by the time it’s got to that point yes I’ve caught feelings

Good morning

How long does the "initial chase" last. Is it a few weeks?

I find that learning about their previous relationships gives me some insight into how they treat people. For example if they have a few exes that they were in longer relationships with as opposed to various situationships/shorter relationships.

I also check if they are really interested in me and my life or mainly talk about superficial stuff (like meaningless good morning/good night texts).

 

[Guyyyyyzzzzzz]

Good morning, I hope everyone’s had a good weekend. I booked NYC so my new line will be darling I’m in New York . I’m just kidding ahaha I won’t be saying that.


Anyway, I just found this so thought it was perfect to share