Young Adult Daughter… Help?!

[Whatsallthis]

Hi Everyone
I have a 19 year old daughter who I feel is spiralling a bit and I suppose I’m looking for some advice on how best to deal with it.

She’s at University and has a part time job. However, she’s going out a lot - not crazy for a young student ibut I’m not convinced she’s looking after herself whilst out.

She dresses completely inappropriately. Leaving nothing to the imagination.

She’s also posting quite provocative photos on her Instagram stories. I believe there’s even worse going onto close friends.

I have no idea how I should go about handling this. I’ve tried ignoring it, wondering if it was for attention, but she seems to be getting worse.

I’ve since tried speaking to her but I’ve just been told to mind my own business and she’s an adult and doing nothing wrong.

I suppose I’m worried shes putting herself in danger. I know womeshould be able to wear what they like and go where they like but that’s simply not the world we live in.

Her Dad is absolutely hopeless so no point trying to even discuss it with him.

Does anyone have any tips or advice? Or am I overreacting and showing my age?

 

[Tove_drew]

I would say it’s a mix of overreacting/worrying but maybe decide what is worrying you. Is it that you think wearing skimpy outfits means she won’t be safe? Or do you consider it a sign of sexual liberation and would prefer she wouldn’t explore that? At 19 she’s likely looking to explore and attract others. I understand the level of sexualising is making you uncomfortable, we all have our own limits and expectations. Fashion dictates so much of this.

I think of my own mother when I was 16-19 trying to convince me to wear mini skirts in the 00s. She was more comfortable that I was. It was the reverse. I can tell you, even with my preferred long skirts - the dangers of the world still found me. Dressing in a way that’s not “Asking for it” is not the lesson here.

I would instead find a way to bond with her on other aspects of her safety and well-being that isn’t centred on her clothes. If she’s a strong confident young woman she’ll be able to stand up for herself when she needs to, or at least pick herself up.

If you haven’t already I would lay down the behaviours and treatments she should expect from the men/women in her life. Boundaries are so important but slippery at that age. Depending on the relationships modelled for her, she might have difficulty. Let her know she can come to you if she needs help.

 

[Megansnarkle]

You best deal with it by making sure she understands the tools she needs in life if she needs to access help in any way and in supporting her.

It sounds to me like she's finding her feet as an independent young woman, particularly as she would have spent her recent years in a pandemic. She'll probably get it out of her system and calm down in due course, I definitely slagged about a bit at university but it felt like a 'safe' environment. I know nowhere is safe but for example, bringing home a one night stand to a house full of friends I knew were largely around and awake felt way less risky than picking up a random and going home to a flat where you live alone.

 

[Kim Mild]

I have a teenager too and it's so different for themnow ,than it was for us. I think social media has a lot to answer for. I bet a lot of them behave in a similar way and they are copying or at least being inspired by the behaviour of influencers and celebs. I bet she has the figure for the clothes she wears. I would imagine the style of clothes she goes for will change.

Young people don't always listen , the learn by experiencing things themselves.

Sadly , predators also prey on women who don't dress provocatively.

 

[Whatsallthis]

Thank you all for your replies.
You’ve all hit the nail on the head and probably said exactly what I’d have said to someone else.
The world is such a different place from when I was her age. I probably acted the same way - just of the time back then.
Thank you all again

 

[Tove_drew]

Thank you all for your replies.
You’ve all hit the nail on the head and probably said exactly what I’d have said to someone else.
The world is such a different place from when I was her age. I probably acted the same way - just of the time back then.
Thank you all again

I think it’s only natural you want her to be safe but sadly the clothes she wears won’t keep her safe. That’s the biggest misconception and one we all grew up with. Looking back, I think that’s why I was avoid mini skirts but when I had bad experiences with men while wearing long skirts I realised it didn't matter. They just saw someone they thought they could control/overpower.

When I reflect on my youth these are what I think would have helped. Self defence classes, learning boundaries and discussing red flags, will be more use to her and worth considering. The self defence class I took saved me on one occasion.

This younger generation care far less about looking like a witch which will hopefully stand to them when assholes cross their way.

 

[Deeznutslol]

What she’s doing is totally normal for her age tbh, unfortunately it’s a phase we all go through. You genuinely think you’re invincible when you’re a teenager and can’t see the risks. My advice would be to make sure she knows the basic rules of stick with your friends, keep your drink covered, don’t get in a car if the driver is drunk/drugged, always have your phone etc. but other than that you’ve gotta leave it and make sure she knows that if she ever needs help she can call you straight away, no matter what hour of the night and you won’t be angry with her.
The worst thing you can do is make her feel like she’s being ‘lectured’ or told off if you do decide to talk to her about it, coz all that’ll do is make her want to do whatever she’s doing even more

 

[rainbowlemon]

Going through this with my youngest sister who is a year older. You just have to take a step back and they have to make their own mistakes. If you openly disapprove, it will push them away more. You have to be the safe space where they will confide in you about all the embarrassing stuff they get up to.

-I signed her up to kickboxing and mixed martial art classes.
-I bought my sister a book about red flags. Lots on Amazon.
-Did stuff to raise her self esteem like hiring a professional photographer. Paid for her hair + nails to be done.
-She doesn't go to clubs on her own, but with a group who also had my number.
-She has to share her location when she's out. That's non negotiable.