When to tell family....

[Tui]

I’m 8 weeks pregnant after having a miscarriage in April. My husband and I have already told our parents and a few close friends. My SIL unfortunately had a miscarriage last month after 18 months of TTC. It was very sad and I was devastated for them both. My SIL desperately wants a child and they are waiting for fertility treatment as she has underlying medical problems.

We are trying to figure out when is the best time to tell them about my pregnancy. I’m keen to wait as long as we can, say until 12-16 weeks at least, or until I start showing anyway. I know our news will probably be very upsetting for my SIL; I had 5 pregnancy announcements from friends and colleagues in the weeks after my miscarriage and I know how horribly hard it is each time, even though you are happy for the person it reopens the wound to some extent. I don’t want to cause her extra pain.

My husband is uncomfortable with having to conceal it for a long time as I’m obviously not drinking, my working hours have been dramatically changed as I work in a hospital, and I’m also not able to drive (long story). So it’s easy for close friends and family to figure it out, as I’ve obviously had to do this before miscarriage too. I wouldn’t want her to figure it out in a social situation if I can avoid it, I’d prefer my husband to tell his brother, and then he can sensitively tell my SIL.

Would appreciate some advice about how to tactfully approach this situation!!!

 

[Platypusfattypus]

I had a similar situation when I was pregnant not long after a very good friend of mine sadly had a late term miscarriage. I wanted to tell her before I announced it. I was just honest, it was a very emotional conversation and difficult but it was the best thing for us to have. I would perhaps tell them sooner rather then later

Sorry I forgot to say congratulations on your happy news xx

 

[Upintheair83]

I’m 8 weeks pregnant after having a miscarriage in April. My husband and I have already told our parents and a few close friends. My SIL unfortunately had a miscarriage last month after 18 months of TTC. It was very sad and I was devastated for them both. My SIL desperately wants a child and they are waiting for fertility treatment as she has underlying medical problems.

We are trying to figure out when is the best time to tell them about my pregnancy. I’m keen to wait as long as we can, say until 12-16 weeks at least, or until I start showing anyway. I know our news will probably be very upsetting for my SIL; I had 5 pregnancy announcements from friends and colleagues in the weeks after my miscarriage and I know how horribly hard it is each time, even though you are happy for the person it reopens the wound to some extent. I don’t want to cause her extra pain.

My husband is uncomfortable with having to conceal it for a long time as I’m obviously not drinking, my working hours have been dramatically changed as I work in a hospital, and I’m also not able to drive (long story). So it’s easy for close friends and family to figure it out, as I’ve obviously had to do this before miscarriage too. I wouldn’t want her to figure it out in a social situation if I can avoid it, I’d prefer my husband to tell his brother, and then he can sensitively tell my SIL.

Would appreciate some advice about how to tactfully approach this situation!!!

I remember you from reading on another thread about ttc, and I just want to say a massive congratulations. I’m so so happy for you. You sound so lovely and caring that I’m sure your SIL will still be happy for you even though yes it may open that wound. Iv not been in this position but I think tell her sooner rather than later, you wouldn’t want her to risk finding out from someone else or figuring it out.
It can be such a heartbreaking and sensitive subject for people that I think honesty is the best way. I’m sure you will deal with it with sensitivity and love and that your SIL will appreciate it.
But sending you lots of congratulations and love and I hope all goes well. Enjoy your pregnancy hun xxx

 

[bookwormbex]

congratulations my love!
Have an honest and open conversation, perhaps just you and her and tell her how you feel. You want to tell her but you understand how much it hurts and you will be there to help her through such a difficult time. Also explain how a new baby in the family will bring her some light and joy even if right now it feels gut wrenching.
Always be honest and empathise. You'll do amazing.

 

[Mrs Cucumber]

Congratulations!
I would tell them sooner rather than later, I had a late miscarriage (17 weeks) and my brother didn't tell me he was going to be a daddy until his gf was about 28 weeks ( I worked shifts so rarely saw them) it broke my heart that my brother felt he couldn't share his amazing news with me and holding his baby and spending time with them really helped me heal.

Good luck with everything and take care x

 

[bexgreen1983]

Not the same but I remember falling pregnant with my second and being terrified of telling my sister in law and brother as the were struggling to conceive but they were so happy. Just do it when your ready to do it x congratulations xx

 

[Meh]

Congratulations on your happy news!
I am sorry you and your SIL have had to endure such heartache. Life truly is not fair.
It’s lovely that you’re really considering how to broach this with your SIL and how this is likely to make her feel. I agree with the others; an open and honest conversation with her sooner rather than later. I’m sure she’ll appreciate your honesty.
It may well open up painful feelings for her BUT she will hopefully still be happy for you. This is a big moment for you as well and you deserve to be able to celebrate this freely.
Best of luck.

 

[Lauren1994]

I’m 8 weeks pregnant after having a miscarriage in April. My husband and I have already told our parents and a few close friends. My SIL unfortunately had a miscarriage last month after 18 months of TTC. It was very sad and I was devastated for them both. My SIL desperately wants a child and they are waiting for fertility treatment as she has underlying medical problems.

We are trying to figure out when is the best time to tell them about my pregnancy. I’m keen to wait as long as we can, say until 12-16 weeks at least, or until I start showing anyway. I know our news will probably be very upsetting for my SIL; I had 5 pregnancy announcements from friends and colleagues in the weeks after my miscarriage and I know how horribly hard it is each time, even though you are happy for the person it reopens the wound to some extent. I don’t want to cause her extra pain.

My husband is uncomfortable with having to conceal it for a long time as I’m obviously not drinking, my working hours have been dramatically changed as I work in a hospital, and I’m also not able to drive (long story). So it’s easy for close friends and family to figure it out, as I’ve obviously had to do this before miscarriage too. I wouldn’t want her to figure it out in a social situation if I can avoid it, I’d prefer my husband to tell his brother, and then he can sensitively tell my SIL.

Would appreciate some advice about how to tactfully approach this situation!!!

congratulations you could always get your husband to tell his brother while you tell your SIL. You could do it one on one with them at the same time (so they’re both being told at the same time). You should talk to your SIL and see how she feels. she may even want to be involved more and share the experience with you, even though it’s upsetting for her you could always try experiencing all your good times with her. Sharing the experience with her might also give her more hope for when she tries again. If I was your SIL I’d need a friend in a time like this so running away or hiding would be the last thing I’d choose to do no matter how sad or heartbreaking it is :/. Good luck, I hope everything goes okay, for both of you

 

[Spencerskates]

Congratulations on your pregnancy!

I would definitely have a private conversation with her before any speculation starts. I’ve had about 6 friends announce pregnancies while I’ve been struggling to conceive, and I’ve really appreciated those who have taken me aside and told me one on one rather than in a big group announcement. This will give her time to process her own feelings privately too.

It’s really nice that you’re considering her

 

[Tui]

Thanks for the congratulations guys. It’s been a pretty crappy summer and I’m thrilled to be pregnant again. I had a scan this weekend which showed a heartbeat and everything measuring spot on which was a massive relief.
I think we’re going to tell them this week as I’ve now told my sister. It’s good to know the majority opinion is to tell sooner as this was what I was wary of, but agree this affords us the most control over how she finds out. I’ll report back once I’ve spoken to her if you like

 

[Tui]

Thought I’d post a wee update. My husband spoke to his brother earlier this week and told him about the pregnancy. He’s since told my SIL, but I haven’t heard anything from her. I think she’s quite upset. Not sure what I can do now as don’t want to force myself on her when even the sight of me is probably upsetting, but also don’t know how long it will be before they speak to me..... Suppose I just have to wait.

 

[Mrs Cucumber]

Thought I’d post a wee update. My husband spoke to his brother earlier this week and told him about the pregnancy. He’s since told my SIL, but I haven’t heard anything from her. I think she’s quite upset. Not sure what I can do now as don’t want to force myself on her when even the sight of me is probably upsetting, but also don’t know how long it will be before they speak to me..... Suppose I just have to wait.

Hope it hasn't tainted your happiness. How was the brother?

 

[Tui]

Hope it hasn't tainted your happiness. How was the brother?

I think he’s happy for us but sad for them, which I understand. He hasn’t contacted me either though, I thought he might text me or something but maybe I’m expecting too much. I think he is happy though, he has said the same to my MIL. He’s also said to my MIL how upset my SIL is
It plays on my mind knowing something that makes us so happy can upset someone else, but I’ve been there so I totally get it and know it’s not personal, just bad timing.

 

[Mrs Cucumber]

I guess it's early days for them but I'm sure they will come round, don't let it ruin this time for you and your husband.

 

[judsmum]

As someone who’s been in your sister in laws shoes can I put my two pence in! I had 36 pregnancy announcements in the time I was trying to conceive. Each and everyone came harder and sadder than the one before it. At first I tried my hardest to ‘be happy’ for the ‘announcees’ but in the end it was just too difficult. It wasn’t that I wanted any harm to come to anyone else but I needed to look after me. It’s all down to self-preservation and if that means not leaping into the air at news of a pregnancy that once again isn’t yours, not sending congratulations to some pregnant that isn’t you, not attending baby showers (a ridiculous notion anyway), not visiting newborns then so be it!
I think by your post that you care deeply and that’s lovely but she will be feeling like she’s been run over by a tank. Again.
Don’t let it bother you, enjoy your pregnancy but remember, if she doesn’t ‘come round’ then that’s all to look after herself and that’s perfectly acceptable.

 

[Tui]

As someone who’s been in your sister in laws shoes can I put my two pence in! I had 36 pregnancy announcements in the time I was trying to conceive. Each and everyone came harder and sadder than the one before it. At first I tried my hardest to ‘be happy’ for the ‘announcees’ but in the end it was just too difficult. It wasn’t that I wanted any harm to come to anyone else but I needed to look after me. It’s all down to self-preservation and if that means not leaping into the air at news of a pregnancy that once again isn’t yours, not sending congratulations to some pregnant that isn’t you, not attending baby showers (a ridiculous notion anyway), not visiting newborns then so be it!
I think by your post that you care deeply and that’s lovely but she will be feeling like she’s been run over by a tank. Again.
Don’t let it bother you, enjoy your pregnancy but remember, if she doesn’t ‘come round’ then that’s all to look after herself and that’s perfectly acceptable.

Thanks, I have been there also although fortunately was able to conceive relatively quickly (it didn’t feel like it at the time). I authored another post about being jealous of other women when TTC so I know all about the awful emotions it throws up. I was averaging a pregnancy announcement a week after I miscarried, including one which hurt the most, a family friend with a “chaotic lifestyle” who got pregnant after a one night stand and is due the same day as the baby I miscarried. So I totally get it. It’s not nice knowing someone you care about probably wants to avoid you, but I’ve been there and done the exact same thing and I know how awful it feels to have to do that to protect your own sanity.

 

[Mrs Cucumber]

@Tui how are things now?

 

[Tui]

@Tui how are things now?

Great thanks! Currently 12 weeks, scan last week went well so feeling pretty positive. Went out with SIL and MIL for my birthday the other week, had a lovely time and it was pretty relaxed. I’m still going to be careful what I say as don’t want to be thoughtless but so far so good!