What should I do?

[TheRoyalHousekeeper]

Sorry this could be long...

been with partner approx 4 years. 1st year of our relationship he discovered a credit card from uni he hadn’t paid off (4,000 ish debt). He got a loan from a loan shark company - i agreed to go guarantor (stupid I know).

He has a good job in a company with continuing promotions so thought this wouldn’t be a problem for him to pay off.

approx 1 year ago he told me he had paid it off. Occasionally I still got the odd text from amigo loans and he would say must be a problem with their system and assured me he’d ring to sort out as he’s paid it off. Didn’t get a text/email for a long time after this.

Today I got a text saying monthly pay off date has been changed. i screenshotted and sent to him. He said he’s confused he got same text and he’ll ring them. I said screenshot me your text - he said he’s deleted it (lie). I said I’ll ring then - shock, there’s still an outstanding debt of £2571.

so he’s lied to me.

we’ve had problems recently because he fibs constantly. I do trust him romantically and he’s never given me any reason to doubt him but he fibs about things A LOT like smoking, saying he’s done jobs he hasn’t, amount of alcohol he’s drank etc. I always catch him out. We’ve had a big conversation about it in recent weeks (amongst other things) that give me doubts in the relationship and he says he feels embarrassed and like a let down and that’s why he says these little white lies. He agreed to work on it and doesn’t want to lose me as these niggling doubts are getting too much for me.

but Now this about the loan?!

admittedly he’s grown up in many ways in the past 4 years and I don’t think he’s make that stupid mistake again.

I rang him while he’s in work and he’s physically shaking in his voice apologising and saying he felt embarrassed about it and didn’t want me to worry about money. He says he can pay it off in full at Christmas with his bonus but how do I believe him? He said he could of paid it off last Christmas with his bonus then but instead we got a dog?! I’ve looked and you can change guarantor if all 3 parties agree so I’ve threatened to tell his mum to move it over to her to be guarantor as I don’t trust he’ll pay it off by then and I don’t want to get into any trouble myself.

he’s begging me to wait til he’s home to talk and he’s really worried but I’m just so sick of his constant lies. How can I be in a relationship when I can’t trust he’s being 100% transparent with me?

I hate seeing him upset and so apologetic but I don’t want to just roll over and say it’s ok


ive even threatened I can’t be in this relationship anymore but I do really love him

 

[OhMyGaad]

What age is he?

 

[TheRoyalHousekeeper]

What age is he?

He’s 29, I’m a year younger

 

[Begborrowsteal]

After a decade with someone like this, its exhausting. You'll need to talk, but only you know what your limits are.

 

[FlipFlop0706]

I’m sorry but I would get his mum to be his guarantor at this point. You need to protect yourself at this point financially. To be blunt, if this goes bits up, it’s you that will be paying the price.

Sit down with him later and calmly work out a payment plan, don’t be fobbed off with “I can pay it at Christmas” as with respect Christmas is an expensive time so it’s unlikely he’ll be able to pay it off in full then. Also, I assume he is accruing interest waiting until Christmas to pay it off so the sooner he addresses this the better.

He needs to be honest with his bills and you need to be frank with him that you will not stand for him lying. Sit down with him and work out his incoming/outgoings and prioritise making regular payments. He’s pissing money away on fags/drink so he needs to cut down and prioritise his debts. If he makes an effort than you’ll know how seriously he is taking this

If he’s not willing to sit down and openly discuss his finances then I’m sorry hun but it might be the time to end the relationship x

 

[Booington]

is it possible for you to pay it off and get him to do a direct debit to you to repay you? I know you shouldn’t have to but it means it’s done and you don’t have to worry about it.
I can sort of understand the head in the sand thing but if he lies about lots of stuff I suppose you have to think about whether you can live like that long term?

 

[judgejohndeed]

I think his attitude towards this whole thing is the worst here. Lying about loans and smoking are not 'little white lies.' You've made it clear that honesty is important to you and he's trampling all over your boundaries again and again. That would be a hard line for me tbh.
Can you guarantee that his Mum will accept being guarantor? If not are you in a position to pay it off yourself and have a written agreement that he owes you the money? This would create the intention to create legal relations that would mean you can sue him in the future if he does not repay you. IMO this would be better for you than having a dodgy loan hanging over your head (and your credit etc).

 

[PineappleQueen19]

Even if you get this particular debt sorted out, this pattern of lying/obfuscation/head in the sand behaviour will crop up again. I 100% guarantee it. Because it’s not one lie, it’s a series of them with little regard for the impact on you or your future.

I know it might not feel like it but you are young and deserve to be with someone who respects you enough to not lie to you and drag you into situations like this.

So first switch the guarantor to someone else then make your plan to leave. I know it’s tough.

if you do decide to stay with him (and I get it, I’ve stayed too) then my advice is never combine finances ever again. No joint bank account, no joint mortgage, additional credit card, nothing. (And he will ask because he won’t be able to get much in his name). Because he will duck up your credit rating and the implications are far reaching. Stay if you want but be smart about it and protect yourself. Personally if I was in your situation and stayed in the relationship it would be on the proviso I had ongoing access to his credit report each month so i could see missed payments, new creditors, new DDs etc. But really… what kind of life is that? You deserve better.

 

[JoeBloggs]

I echo what others have said, regardless of the state of your relationship and his promises get your name off this loan, I wonder if he asked you because his mum would have said no?

You need to think of your future, if he’s lying to your early doors what could the future hold. As soon as you connect financially, you will be penalised for his poor actions (joint account, mortgage, marriage), do you want to be?

Honesty is a huge part of a relationship and he’s broken your trust on a number of things and repeatedly. He needs to work on this, possibly counselling could help.

 

[BettyCrockerr]

He’s not trustworthy at all, he’s constantly lying to you and if he so easily lies about drinking/smoking etc he will have no issues lying to you about everything else. You cannot have a relationship without trust. are you in a position to pay off the outstanding balance? Or could he raise the money quickly by selling something for example?
my honest opinion - get the loan paid off and get rid of him. He’s nearly 30 and still carrying on like a child.its not going to change, he won’t get better.

 

[coconochanel]

Why cant he pay it off bit by bit monthly instead of all at once at Christmas?

 

[BettyCrockerr]

Sorry this could be long...

been with partner approx 4 years. 1st year of our relationship he discovered a credit card from uni he hadn’t paid off (4,000 ish debt). He got a loan from a loan shark company - i agreed to go guarantor (stupid I know).

He has a good job in a company with continuing promotions so thought this wouldn’t be a problem for him to pay off.

approx 1 year ago he told me he had paid it off. Occasionally I still got the odd text from amigo loans and he would say must be a problem with their system and assured me he’d ring to sort out as he’s paid it off. Didn’t get a text/email for a long time after this.

Today I got a text saying monthly pay off date has been changed. i screenshotted and sent to him. He said he’s confused he got same text and he’ll ring them. I said screenshot me your text - he said he’s deleted it (lie). I said I’ll ring then - shock, there’s still an outstanding debt of £2571.

so he’s lied to me.

I’ve just gone back and re-read your original post and its making even less sense…

how old is he/when did he leave Uni? I’m confused as to how he just “discovered” a credit card debt of £4K… sorry but what?! How did this miraculously come to light?! Did you personally ever see any proof of this credit card debt with your own eyes?? If he owed £4K on a credit card he would have been being perused for it, he would have been more than aware of it, he’s talking rubbish if he’s saying this just popped up out of no where……

so, he then took a loan from Amigo to pay off the credit card - when the money came in from Amigo, did you see/can you prove he’s paid the credit card debt off? Do you know he actually used the Amigo loan for this purpose?

if he’s got a good job etc as you say - why on Earth hasn’t he paid back the Amigo loan???? Where’s his money going?????

something about this entire thing just isn’t ringing true for me…. And funny that this old credit card debt from Uni just so happened to pop up after he gets into a relationship….. that, together with the fact that he’s a lying toad….. I think he’s played you…….

 

[Be More Pacific]

I would check with Amigo if there have been any missed payments and if there is an arrears balance.

I would also immediately do a free report on your credit history.

I would definitely insist on him doing the same and that you must be able look at it too.

I have a feeling all of those things will help you with your decision.