Watching friends do stupid things

[Onepotatotwopotato]

So I found out my friend (female) has been seeing another female who has been with her husband for 15 years and married for 4.

Apparently it's been going on for months and the girl is dragging her feet about telling her husband, wants to wait until after his birthday at the end of the apparently . Like that would be any better?

For me the whole thing seems hugely dodgy and like a recipe for disaster. Obviously I want to tell her I feel she is being strung along and it's gunna end with her being hurt but I think she'd just react badly to this at the current time, she seems pretty head over heels in love. The sort where you can't see reason.

I guess there is the LGBT element of it which makes it a bit different to a regular affair but apparently this women has never felt anything like that until meeting my friend.

What do you think is the best thing to do? I'm guessing just offer support and be ready to pick up the pieces when it goes wrong?

Has anyone ever been in or seen an affair like this where it actually ended well? Please be kind, I'm genuinely trying to understand my friends plight and think of the best way to react

 

[Definitelyme]

A while ago there was a thread about people who leave partners for someone else, and a good few people did say they had happy endings with it, so it is possible!

I should imagine your friend will probably be unwilling to hear the advice that we all know is true - if someone is dragging their heels telling their partner it’s quite likely they may never do it. As you said, I would just be there for support if needed.

 

[Onepotatotwopotato]

A while ago there was a thread about people who leave partners for someone else, and a good few people did say they had happy endings with it, so it is possible!

I should imagine your friend will probably be unwilling to hear the advice that we all know is true - if someone is dragging their heels telling their partner it’s quite likely they may never do it. As you said, I would just be there for support if needed.

My biggest worry is that she'll not tell her husband and string my friend along, or that once she does tell him she'll decide to try make it work with the husband, or even that once they are out of the exciting affair situation they'll realise there isn't much of a basis for a relationship there.

I just don't think it reflects well on her personality how she's happy stringing them both along for months and months. Surely either the guilt would get you, or if they are in love as much as my friend thinks she wouldn't be able to stand the secrecy and would need to get it out there?

 

[Definitelyme]

My biggest worry is that she'll not tell her husband and string my friend along, or that once she does tell him she'll decide to try make it work with the husband, or even that once they are out of the exciting affair situation they'll realise there isn't much of a basis for a relationship there.

I just don't think it reflects well on her personality how she's happy stringing them both along for months and months. Surely either the guilt would get you, or if they are in love as much as my friend thinks she wouldn't be able to stand the secrecy and would need to get it out there?

Yes, I would be of a similar school of thought to yourself. Unfortunately as a friend, there is so little you can do in the situation and it must be very hard to watch it unfold, imaging your friend is going to get so badly hurt.
You sound like a great friend to be so worried, but I just don’t think there is much to be done apart from offering support and love.

 

[Raininvain]

I'd just stay well out of it, its not your business.
If she gets hurt then she'll have to deal with it. I would'nt personally be listening to hours of her going on about it either way.

 

[Onepotatotwopotato]

I'd just stay well out of it, its not your business.
If she gets hurt then she'll have to deal with it. I would'nt personally be listening to hours of her going on about it either way.

Yeah excellent point, maybe this is just one of those things you find out the hard way

 

[WilmaHun]

I think it's a really difficult situation. In one way, you don't want to sit back and do nothing and watch your friend get hurt, but then you also don't want to come across like you're medalling and ultimately push her away.

Personally, I think I would stay out of it. By all means, put your viewpoint across but I think you need to tread very carefully. Try not to be forceful, just give her gentle warnings if you feel entirely necessary.

Unfortunately though, if she's that into this person then I think whatever you say she'll just do what she wants anyway. Sometimes love is blind and people struggle to see any negatives in their situation until it's too late.

 

[Alexaj]

Don't provide your advice/opinion unless she specifically asks for it. She won't thank you for it. I've had a similar situation where I bit my tongue (my friend purposely kept it quiet because he knew I wouldn't approve). Guess what? It blew up in his face and I said nothing. I'm sure he was relieved

 

[iloveanimals]

I feel sorry for the husband to be honest.

 

[Onepotatotwopotato]

I feel sorry for the husband to be honest.

I do too. I can imagine it being absolutely crushing. It's one thing to suddenly question your sexuality but cheating is inexcusable. Especially for many many months. My friend said they were "trying to work out if they could realistically be together" sounds to me like she's being strung along and the girl is weighing up her options. Irregardless if they end up together she needs to come clean now surely, she's cheated on him !

Don't provide your advice/opinion unless she specifically asks for it. She won't thank you for it. I've had a similar situation where I bit my tongue (my friend purposely kept it quiet because he knew I wouldn't approve). Guess what? It blew up in his face and I said nothing. I'm sure he was relieved

I think I'll have to do the same, my friend has also kept it secret and she's in an absolutely terrible mental place despite saying she's so in love

 

[iloveanimals]

Its not nice is it, shes been with him a long time. Try and keep out of it if you can and just give neutral answers. Sympathise but dont give suggestions . It may have been better if you didnt know, its selfish all round and now you are worrying too. xx

 

[Raininvain]

Doesn't matter about the sexuality of the person really being strung along is being strung along. If the woman wanted to be with your friend then she would leave her husband full stop. I'd probably tell her TBH but deep down she will know already because you always do.

 

[Onepotatotwopotato]

Doesn't matter about the sexuality of the person really being strung along is being strung along. If the woman wanted to be with your friend then she would leave her husband full stop. I'd probably tell her TBH but deep down she will know already because you always do.

Yeah you are right, I think she realises this too. It's terrible because she's never had a serious relationship that's lasted longer than a few months before too so I don't know she realises the depth of emotions that come with a 15 year old relationship

 

[DanaScully]

If it were me I'd try to be non-judgemental but I wouldn't actively be offering advice either. One of my friends had something similar going on and I just listened and offered advice if and when she asked for it.

Ultimately I think adults of sound mind make their own decisions and whether we agree with them or not, it's better as a friend to stay outside the danger zone and not get tangled up in the mess.

 

[LaurieLaurie]

You just have to stand back I think and be there if the tit hits the fan.
It’s lockdown so maybe it’s only a bit of excitement for the married women. Who knows what the reality will be like after things go back to ‘normal’.

I have a family/work friend that came out as gay to his wife during lockdown, no one else was involved but he couldn’t live a lie any longer. I would be suggesting your friend walks away until the women decides what it is she wants.

 

[HockyRorror]

I don’t think the sexuality matters at all in this situation. What would say if the same female friend confided to you that she was having an affair with a married man who told her he would leave his wife and tell her about them after her birthday? Would you think it would work out for her, or would you think she was being played for a fool?

Like others though, I’d stay well out of it.

 

[OnlyHereForTheLolz]

Tell your friend she needs to tread carefully and consider that a cheat doesn't easily change. After that keep your nose out of it and just be as supportive as you can

 

[Annie101]

Tell your friend she needs to tread carefully and consider that a cheat doesn't easily change. After that keep your nose out of it and just be as supportive as you can

Totally agree

 

[Whaaaaat]

I’m going to offer a slightly different perspective here.

I don’t think it’s quite as simple as just leaving her husband.I assume she has always identified as straight - so she will have to come out to her family, friends, kids?, work colleagues etc. That’s pretty daunting. People who aren’t married struggle to come out for years, let alone if you have to change your entire life and that of her husbands.

Cheating is awful, but your friend is just as bad IMO, she knows she’s married. However, I don’t think it’s as simple in this case as she’s not leaving him because she doesn’t want to so she never will. She was probably experimenting with your friend and is now coming to terms with her sexuality, that doesn’t happen in a matter of weeks.

 

[Onepotatotwopotato]

I’m going to offer a slightly different perspective here.

I don’t think it’s quite as simple as just leaving her husband.I assume she has always identified as straight - so she will have to come out to her family, friends, kids?, work colleagues etc. That’s pretty daunting. People who aren’t married struggle to come out for years, let alone if you have to change your entire life and that of her husbands.

Cheating is awful, but your friend is just as bad IMO, she knows she’s married. However, I don’t think it’s as simple in this case as she’s not leaving him because she doesn’t want to so she never will. She was probably experimenting with your friend and is now coming to terms with her sexuality, that doesn’t happen in a matter of weeks.

Yeah, I don't envy any of them to be honest. But I think the right thing to do by everyone would be she needs to tell the husband what's happened and spend some time alone to think about it all. It's definitely a horrible situation, I don't know how you could throw away that long of a marriage easily, she's even been posting fun Xmas pics up on insta with her husband at the time she's been seeing my friend? Just wrong isn't it