Wanting a child - struggles

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BettyCrocker

Please dont spend your life worrying about tomorrow, about what may or may not happen. No one has any idea what tomorrow will bring, it is truly a waste of time & energy to worry about it. Live your life - enjoy it. Do things you enjoy, invest time in your relationships- all of them, not just romantic ones. Travel. Take care of your body. Explore. Do things for you - discover yourself first and in time you will meet someone and if things work out you may have a family. Equally, in time your feelings on this will ebb & flow and who knows how you will feel or what you may want in 6 months time or a year from now or 5 years.... You ARE still so very young, enjoy every experience and let tomorrow take care of itself. Xx
 
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littlepup

Take this on board. If you haven’t got children now, make the most of it. I understand Covid is making it impossible just now but it won’t be forever.
Everyone has children already simply isn’t true, look beyond that. I know you hear it a lot but you are so young, don’t wish your life away.

I am 38, expecting my first child.
Of course I worried it wouldn’t happen, age implications, wanted and couldn’t have but there was a big turning point in my life at 28 when a long term relationship, I thought would be marriage and kids ended. I hadn’t pushed my career, sought out new hobbies etc because I was convinced I was going to be a mum soon and have to give it up anyway. I was envious of friends with children but a conversation with one made me realise what an opportunity I had and I Committed to making the most of it.
In those ten years I’ve lived in different countries, tried various jobs, excelled in one, saved and spent fortunes, travelled extensively - and alone, done yoga retreats, bootcamps and other silly things. Had another 7/8yr relationship, doing some of this as a couple, expected to get pregnant for 4yrs of that one too but never stopped taking opportunities.
When the last relationship ended I was devastated that it had taken my fertility with it.
There wasn’t time left.
But, here I am now, not because it was a race against time to get pregnant but because I found the kind of relationship I didn’t believe existed; he wanted children with me and worked out for himself there wasn’t time to wait and we were lucky enough that it happened. We will have got together and had a child well within 2 years. You truly don’t know what is around the corner.
I am so glad for all of the experiences I had. If I hadn’t, and had gone on as I was, waiting to be a mum, I wouldn’t be who I am now and I still wouldn’t have had a child until now.

I’m not saying what I have done is ‘right’ but it’s worked well for me.
 
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Youre a wizard Harry

My situation is difficult but I can relate, I have that longing too. I’m 28, married and think of pretty much nothing else but my husband is insistent on waiting until we buy a house. Whilst I do think he is right (if we were to have a baby now, we would have to move somewhere bigger and the jump in rent would be huge, that combined with a lower income would mean we wouldn’t be able to save for a deposit). It doesn’t stop the longing
Sending love to you
 
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Carrie2019

Yes I felt like this.
I started IVF PGD in 2015 cos my husband has a genetic condition we didn’t wanna pass on. Would told wed Have no problems as no known fertility issues.
5 years later, 4 cycles, 6 transfers and then using a surrogate we finally got our baby.

It turned me into a bitter bitch. I cut all my friends out with kids as all they talked about was their kids. It’s like our friendship of 10 years had nothing else to talk about - it was just kids and kids.
I was sick of them posting a million pictures on Facebook and social media.
every pregnancy announcement felt like a knife to my stomach.
I deleted my fb and Insta for a long time and that helped me. Although I know that would be hard to do now in lockdown.
I’m sorry you feel this way and I completely understand.
Im 33 and haven’t used protection for 5 years and I’ve never had as much as a chemical pregnancy and nobody knows why.
 
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LucilleBluth

This is the best thing I’ve read for a long time. Thank you. It’s given me a lot of hope but also a reminder not to get consumed and therefore paralysed by hoping and waiting. Which is something I could definitely see myself doing, left to my own devices. Time to crack on with making the most of things. (Indoor things for now )
 
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ProphecyGirl

Thank you for all your kind replies, for some reason I didn't get an alert I had any more of them!

I do know it's not the end of the world and I do think it's also because I'm just ready to settle down. Luckily none of my closest friends have young children, they're teenagers or they have none at all! Life hasn't turned out the way I thought it would!

I suppose it doesn't help looking at social media and being on my own and during lockdown it's hard not to look at it! I am going to try take up a hobby or something, maybe get a little kitten for some company and to look after!
 
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Lumpfish

Totally relate to this! Do you follow @livsalone on insta? She felt the same as us and had the means to do it alone using a sperm donor and now has a healthy little boy
 
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ProphecyGirl

Lumpfish said:
Totally relate to this! Do you follow @livsalone on insta? She felt the same as us and had the means to do it alone using a sperm donor and now has a healthy little boy
Click to expand...
No I haven't but I will check her out - thank you! much love
 

Belulah

LaurieLaurie said:
As a single mum I wouldn’t recommend having a baby alone. People say they will babysit etc etc they very rarely do. It’s taken me over 10 years to get a little bit of freedom back.
Click to expand...
Oh I’m the opposite- I would 100% recommend doing it alone. I’m so blissfully happy just the two of us. All the Dads I know are totally performative parents- minimum interest in the kids life unless it something like getting their ears pierced. BUT and it’s a big one my sister and mum both babysit whenever I want which make life easier. I guess it’s all about the support network!
I would say don’t enter single parenthood lightly. I’m lucky I can afford to support us both but there a tonne of emotional complications I wasn’t expecting.
 
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NMK

Hey hun! I had my daughter at 25 and she is now two, however we are struggling to conceive again. I would seriously suggest coming off social media or limiting the time spent on it. Since I have it honestly is as if something has switched in me, everytime I logged on another pregnancy announcement maybe because I want that again it hurts more when you see it! Also, what you see on social media isn’t real life! Those happy families doting dads mums looking like they’re living their best lives please remember it is fake 🤍🤍🤍🤍
 
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Lovebugx

A dear friend of mine who has struggled with miscarriages for the last 5 years , has just found out she's pregnant I'm so happy for her , but it also hurts in my heart.
I had a heart to heart with my boyfriend and he's agreed we can try but age is also a factor now , he's 43 and our lifestyle choices aren't always the best , I'll be 36 this year and I have PCOS but his agreeing to try has lifted me a bit
 
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ChloChlo

I also recommend having a baby alone. Especially if it is a baby you want as opposed to the relationship - and that takes some deep thought.

I am saying this as someone who is not a single parent. I enjoyed being a single parent to my elder boys. I absolutely loved it. I became a mum again when I was almost 36, I broke up with my partner during pregnancy and did it alone, right up until our child was around 8 months old (we decided to become an item again and have been now for around 9 months) and tbh I much preferred doing it alone. It might seem selfish but although I do adore him and he tries his best to be helpful sometimes, he is quite a hindrance, relationships require work too and I find trying to balance the two a bit exhausting at times. It was heaven when it was me and my baby alone, I have 3 teenagers also so found having a newborn again very easy.
 
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olive&salmon

I saw this thread and it’s how I’m feeling right now. All my friends have children and my partners siblings are all pregnant at the moment. I’m finding it harder each day to put a brave face on with everyone having children and announcing that they are expecting.
whenever I meet up with all my friends together I feel like the odd one out without a child.
I feel like it’s never going to be my time. I’m 33 and getting so anxious that I won’t have one.
 
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littlepup

I first commented on this thread in 2021 when I was pregnant with my first. They’re now 3 1/2. I had my second 12 days ago at the age of 42. I’d put most of the other Mums on the ward at at appointments in their late 30s too.
I can’t guarantee your fertility, no one can, but please don’t feel that you’re running out of time based on an arbitrary age.
 
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bcat1998

Can relate to this thread so much, before meeting my partner a few years ago I was looking into using a donor and going it alone. Then I met my partner and we seemed to be on the same page, but now I’m 2 and a half years down the line no further forward and he just keeps coming up with different reasons/excuses to push it back. While I’m here in the background desperately wanting a baby he is fine with waiting as he already has a child from a previous relationship. Have tried to explain to him you won’t understand me as you have what I am so so desperate for, it never seems to go in. I have struggled through watching my friends get married and pregnant and have babies and I feel I am left out and as much as I love my friends babies to death I feel intense jealousy still. I try so hard to push these feelings down but sometimes they are just too much and reality smacks me in the face
 
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