Wanting a child - struggles

[ProphecyGirl]

Hello

I'm not sure what to post for the title and I'm not sure how to word this but..

Basically I've always wanted children but for the last two years it's come to a point where it's eating me up daily that I don't have children. I can't describe it, I am only 27 and I am also single so when I tell people they just say "You're still young/plenty of time" but it really breaks my heart, I feel like nobody understands.. it's not just me wanting them, I am so passionate and it's just making me so so sad. I struggle with mental health as it is and this just makes it so much worse

Every time I see a pregnancy announcement from people I know my heart shatters, the feeling is becoming so overwhelming.
I just don't know anyone who can relate to this, they just shrug it off because "my time will come" but it's more than that

Can anyone else relate? I know people have issues trying to conceive but does anyone else feel like me?

 

[littlepup]

Please dont spend your life worrying about tomorrow, about what may or may not happen. No one has any idea what tomorrow will bring, it is truly a waste of time & energy to worry about it. Live your life - enjoy it. Do things you enjoy, invest time in your relationships- all of them, not just romantic ones. Travel. Take care of your body. Explore. Do things for you - discover yourself first and in time you will meet someone and if things work out you may have a family. Equally, in time your feelings on this will ebb & flow and who knows how you will feel or what you may want in 6 months time or a year from now or 5 years.... You ARE still so very young, enjoy every experience and let tomorrow take care of itself. Xx

Take this on board. If you haven’t got children now, make the most of it. I understand Covid is making it impossible just now but it won’t be forever.
Everyone has children already simply isn’t true, look beyond that. I know you hear it a lot but you are so young, don’t wish your life away.

I am 38, expecting my first child.
Of course I worried it wouldn’t happen, age implications, wanted and couldn’t have but there was a big turning point in my life at 28 when a long term relationship, I thought would be marriage and kids ended. I hadn’t pushed my career, sought out new hobbies etc because I was convinced I was going to be a mum soon and have to give it up anyway. I was envious of friends with children but a conversation with one made me realise what an opportunity I had and I Committed to making the most of it.
In those ten years I’ve lived in different countries, tried various jobs, excelled in one, saved and spent fortunes, travelled extensively - and alone, done yoga retreats, bootcamps and other silly things. Had another 7/8yr relationship, doing some of this as a couple, expected to get pregnant for 4yrs of that one too but never stopped taking opportunities.
When the last relationship ended I was devastated that it had taken my fertility with it.
There wasn’t time left.
But, here I am now, not because it was a race against time to get pregnant but because I found the kind of relationship I didn’t believe existed; he wanted children with me and worked out for himself there wasn’t time to wait and we were lucky enough that it happened. We will have got together and had a child well within 2 years. You truly don’t know what is around the corner.
I am so glad for all of the experiences I had. If I hadn’t, and had gone on as I was, waiting to be a mum, I wouldn’t be who I am now and I still wouldn’t have had a child until now.

I’m not saying what I have done is ‘right’ but it’s worked well for me.

 

[BettyCrocker]

Please dont spend your life worrying about tomorrow, about what may or may not happen. No one has any idea what tomorrow will bring, it is truly a waste of time & energy to worry about it. Live your life - enjoy it. Do things you enjoy, invest time in your relationships- all of them, not just romantic ones. Travel. Take care of your body. Explore. Do things for you - discover yourself first and in time you will meet someone and if things work out you may have a family. Equally, in time your feelings on this will ebb & flow and who knows how you will feel or what you may want in 6 months time or a year from now or 5 years.... You ARE still so very young, enjoy every experience and let tomorrow take care of itself. Xx

 

[LaurieLaurie]

As a single mum I wouldn’t recommend having a baby alone. People say they will babysit etc etc they very rarely do. It’s taken me over 10 years to get a little bit of freedom back.

 

[Isa Drennan]

I can definitely relate. I didn’t actually want a child, but seeing so many 2020 announcements, it definitely makes you reflect on your own life.

I feel like every pregnancy announcement, is another person happy, whilst I’m just stuck in a bubble with no progression, towards getting pregnant. Logically, my head tells me I don’t want a child until I’m in my 30s and financially stable, but it’s really difficult seeing everyone and their nan announce. Just gets me thinking if they can do it why can’t I?

A child would make me feel complete, but realistically I would like to become more financially and emotionally stable first!

 

[rainbowlemon]

I'm 29 and still single. Something just flipped in my head at 26 and I didn't expect the pure jealously I felt when I saw a woman post a pic of her 6th child.

I get it OP and your feelings are normal, but maybe seeing a therapist would help?

 

[Definitelyme]

I think it’s unfair of people to say you have plenty of time and should wait etc. If you so desperately want something, the idea you may get it in future isn’t really very much comfort.

There are ways you could move forward to have a child now, depending on what you are happy with. I have a friend who is currently doing sleep donor IUI as she has one child and is very keen for another, but she has no partner (and is happy that way).

 

[Belulah]

As a single mum I wouldn’t recommend having a baby alone. People say they will babysit etc etc they very rarely do. It’s taken me over 10 years to get a little bit of freedom back.

Oh I’m the opposite- I would 100% recommend doing it alone. I’m so blissfully happy just the two of us. All the Dads I know are totally performative parents- minimum interest in the kids life unless it something like getting their ears pierced. BUT and it’s a big one my sister and mum both babysit whenever I want which make life easier. I guess it’s all about the support network!
I would say don’t enter single parenthood lightly. I’m lucky I can afford to support us both but there a tonne of emotional complications I wasn’t expecting.

 

[LucilleBluth]

Take this on board. If you haven’t got children now, make the most of it. I understand Covid is making it impossible just now but it won’t be forever.
Everyone has children already simply isn’t true, look beyond that. I know you hear it a lot but you are so young, don’t wish your life away.

I am 38, expecting my first child.
Of course I worried it wouldn’t happen, age implications, wanted and couldn’t have but there was a big turning point in my life at 28 when a long term relationship, I thought would be marriage and kids ended. I hadn’t pushed my career, sought out new hobbies etc because I was convinced I was going to be a mum soon and have to give it up anyway. I was envious of friends with children but a conversation with one made me realise what an opportunity I had and I Committed to making the most of it.
In those ten years I’ve lived in different countries, tried various jobs, excelled in one, saved and spent fortunes, travelled extensively - and alone, done yoga retreats, bootcamps and other silly things. Had another 7/8yr relationship, doing some of this as a couple, expected to get pregnant for 4yrs of that one too but never stopped taking opportunities.
When the last relationship ended I was devastated that it had taken my fertility with it.
There wasn’t time left.
But, here I am now, not because it was a race against time to get pregnant but because I found the kind of relationship I didn’t believe existed; he wanted children with me and worked out for himself there wasn’t time to wait and we were lucky enough that it happened. We will have got together and had a child well within 2 years. You truly don’t know what is around the corner.
I am so glad for all of the experiences I had. If I hadn’t, and had gone on as I was, waiting to be a mum, I wouldn’t be who I am now and I still wouldn’t have had a child until now.

I’m not saying what I have done is ‘right’ but it’s worked well for me.

This is the best thing I’ve read for a long time. Thank you. It’s given me a lot of hope but also a reminder not to get consumed and therefore paralysed by hoping and waiting. Which is something I could definitely see myself doing, left to my own devices. Time to crack on with making the most of things. (Indoor things for now )

 

[Pixipoppy]

I’ve realised after reading this thread... I feel the same way, about kittens Whenever I see someone on Instagram or Facebook with a new kitten I get this horrible jealous feeling. Anyway, I wish I could borrow some of your broodiness for a human baby OP as my partner wants children and I don’t!

 

[ProphecyGirl]

Thank you for all the replies!

Therapy isn't something I've ever thought about but I will take that on, thank you!

I'm glad other people understand. It's really a horrible feeling... and it's not just a 'baby' it's just the family. I hope this year I can hopefully meet someone, once COVID rules settle! I do think if this time next year I am not any closer I will be thinking about sperm donor, not sure how long I can keep being unhappy for

It's just a big decision isn't it, not quite the JLO rom-com!

 

[ProphecyGirl]

I can definitely relate. I didn’t actually want a child, but seeing so many 2020 announcements, it definitely makes you reflect on your own life.

I feel like every pregnancy announcement, is another person happy, whilst I’m just stuck in a bubble with no progression, towards getting pregnant. Logically, my head tells me I don’t want a child until I’m in my 30s and financially stable, but it’s really difficult seeing everyone and their nan announce. Just gets me thinking if they can do it why can’t I?

A child would make me feel complete, but realistically I would like to become more financially and emotionally stable first!

I think it certainly doesn't help seeing other people happy when you aren't where you want to be in life. I am not finically stable so I know I need to be first. But I agree, it would complete me too

I think it’s unfair of people to say you have plenty of time and should wait etc. If you so desperately want something, the idea you may get it in future isn’t really very much comfort.

There are ways you could move forward to have a child now, depending on what you are happy with. I have a friend who is currently doing sleep donor IUI as she has one child and is very keen for another, but she has no partner (and is happy that way).

Yes! People don't realize the impact a small comment like that can make. I'm 28 next month so I feel like time is ticking for me.
It's something that a friend mentioned but I aren't sure how comfortable I am with it, I guess I've always wanted the 'perfect family life'
It isn't something I would ever rule out though

 

[ChloChlo]

I also recommend having a baby alone. Especially if it is a baby you want as opposed to the relationship - and that takes some deep thought.

I am saying this as someone who is not a single parent. I enjoyed being a single parent to my elder boys. I absolutely loved it. I became a mum again when I was almost 36, I broke up with my partner during pregnancy and did it alone, right up until our child was around 8 months old (we decided to become an item again and have been now for around 9 months) and tbh I much preferred doing it alone. It might seem selfish but although I do adore him and he tries his best to be helpful sometimes, he is quite a hindrance, relationships require work too and I find trying to balance the two a bit exhausting at times. It was heaven when it was me and my baby alone, I have 3 teenagers also so found having a newborn again very easy.

 

[Pixipoppy]

I know this sounds horribly cold but it is just your hormones talking. Your body is saying “I WANT TO REPRODUCE!!!” But I can imagine it’s awful to have such a burning desire for something. Please take some comfort in the fact that now really isn’t the right time, and I know you’ve heard it before but you’re so young. When the time is right you will meet your baby Are there any hobbies or pastimes you can get stuck into that you may enjoy? Just to take your mind off things, lockdown doesn’t help I know!

 

[Definitelyme]

I think it certainly doesn't help seeing other people happy when you aren't where you want to be in life. I am not finically stable so I know I need to be first. But I agree, it would complete me too




Yes! People don't realize the impact a small comment like that can make. I'm 28 next month so I feel like time is ticking for me.
It's something that a friend mentioned but I aren't sure how comfortable I am with it, I guess I've always wanted the 'perfect family life'
It isn't something I would ever rule out though

I totally understand that, and I would be the same. That longing for a baby is something that gnaws away at you inside, I have kids, but I know that feeling of being desperate to have them. Side note: love the username and profile pic!

 

[Carrie2019]

Yes I felt like this.
I started IVF PGD in 2015 cos my husband has a genetic condition we didn’t wanna pass on. Would told wed Have no problems as no known fertility issues.
5 years later, 4 cycles, 6 transfers and then using a surrogate we finally got our baby.

It turned me into a bitter bitch. I cut all my friends out with kids as all they talked about was their kids. It’s like our friendship of 10 years had nothing else to talk about - it was just kids and kids.
I was sick of them posting a million pictures on Facebook and social media.
every pregnancy announcement felt like a knife to my stomach.
I deleted my fb and Insta for a long time and that helped me. Although I know that would be hard to do now in lockdown.
I’m sorry you feel this way and I completely understand.
Im 33 and haven’t used protection for 5 years and I’ve never had as much as a chemical pregnancy and nobody knows why.

 

[littlepup]

I saw this thread and it’s how I’m feeling right now. All my friends have children and my partners siblings are all pregnant at the moment. I’m finding it harder each day to put a brave face on with everyone having children and announcing that they are expecting.
whenever I meet up with all my friends together I feel like the odd one out without a child.
I feel like it’s never going to be my time. I’m 33 and getting so anxious that I won’t have one.

I first commented on this thread in 2021 when I was pregnant with my first. They’re now 3 1/2. I had my second 12 days ago at the age of 42. I’d put most of the other Mums on the ward at at appointments in their late 30s too.
I can’t guarantee your fertility, no one can, but please don’t feel that you’re running out of time based on an arbitrary age.

 

[olive&salmon]

I saw this thread and it’s how I’m feeling right now. All my friends have children and my partners siblings are all pregnant at the moment. I’m finding it harder each day to put a brave face on with everyone having children and announcing that they are expecting.
whenever I meet up with all my friends together I feel like the odd one out without a child.
I feel like it’s never going to be my time. I’m 33 and getting so anxious that I won’t have one.

 

[Babyyoda88]

Hello

I'm not sure what to post for the title and I'm not sure how to word this but..

Basically I've always wanted children but for the last two years it's come to a point where it's eating me up daily that I don't have children. I can't describe it, I am only 27 and I am also single so when I tell people they just say "You're still young/plenty of time" but it really breaks my heart, I feel like nobody understands.. it's not just me wanting them, I am so passionate and it's just making me so so sad. I struggle with mental health as it is and this just makes it so much worse

Every time I see a pregnancy announcement from people I know my heart shatters, the feeling is becoming so overwhelming.
I just don't know anyone who can relate to this, they just shrug it off because "my time will come" but it's more than that

Can anyone else relate? I know people have issues trying to conceive but does anyone else feel like me?

Yes I understand how you feel! This is also me too, I’ve wanted my baby for years . I’m now 32 and my partner too wants a baby which is music to my ears but I’ve come off the pill and I’m struggling to conceive so now I’m wishing I wasn’t so late in trying.

All I can say to you is that life can change so quick. In a year even you could have a partner and be thinking about having children together so your time WILL come!

It is gut wrenching seeing a pregnancy announcement posts, I’m so happy for the couple but I’m also gutted for myself (especially if it’s their second, third etc child. Not that I resent them-just wish it was me)

Sending you lots of love! One day you’ll make the most fabulous mother to a very lucky baby who will be so loved and appreciated x x

 

[Lovebugx]

Yes , I have been there. I struggled to have my son , and the longing to have him became so intense , it was all consuming. My son is 8 now , his dad I divorced and I have a new partner , my clock is ticking and I'm starting to feel the same way again but my new partner doesn't want anymore kids. It's starting to eat away at me again , so much so I'm wondering if I should just go out and have a few one night stands and see what happens I know it's mad , but that maternal instinct in me is so strong.