Waiting on family - right or wrong?

[And_that's_okay!]

I'm a Lone Parent to one young child. Their father sees them for five hours per week (on one day). I work full-time in a very stressful job. I take my child to three activities outside of school. They do two more extracurricular activities at school. The time with their father is spent with me as well. We're active most days. I don't stop. I do all the housework myself. Basically, I have no help. I'm not moaning about this, I'm so blessed to have the opportunity to be a mother and I adore my child and our life. We're comfortable financially and do a lot together. I wish his father cared more but sadly he doesn't.

So that's a bit of background and leads me to my current issue.

My mum stays at my house twice per week. She's well aware I have no help and am a lone parent. Whilst she is here: I wait on her. She never brings anything with her but sits eating treats and I make tea whilst she sits on the sofa with her feet up. I am basically looking after her too for the two days she is here. When she's at her house, she waits on my sibling. Further, she sends me photographs of all their meals, proudly boasting what they've been eating. Moreover, when she goes to my other siblings home, she'll always take treats.

Just wanted people to let me know their thoughts, albeit as harsh as they may be.

 

[rainbowlemon]

I think you need boundaries, boundaries and more boundaries to stop yourself burning out.

What is the reason she stays at your house for? I would nip the waiting on her.

Honestly I would also cut back on the extra circular activities too, as that would save you time and energy.

With the father could you ask him to take your son out for the day so you could have the house to yourself?

Could you get a cleaner?

 

[BettyCrockerr]

I'm a Lone Parent to one young child. Their father sees them for five hours per week (on one day). I work full-time in a very stressful job. I take my child to three activities outside of school. They do two more extracurricular activities at school. The time with their father is spent with me as well. We're active most days. I don't stop. I do all the housework myself. Basically, I have no help. I'm not moaning about this, I'm so blessed to have the opportunity to be a mother and I adore my child and our life. We're comfortable financially and do a lot together. I wish his father cared more but sadly he doesn't.

So that's a bit of background and leads me to my current issue.

My mum stays at my house twice per week. She's well aware I have no help and am a lone parent. Whilst she is here: I wait on her. She never brings anything with her but sits eating treats and I make tea whilst she sits on the sofa with her feet up. I am basically looking after her too for the two days she is here. When she's at her house, she waits on my sibling. Further, she sends me photographs of all their meals, proudly boasting what they've been eating. Moreover, when she goes to my other siblings home, she'll always take treats.

Just wanted people to let me know their thoughts, albeit as harsh as they may be.

Why are you waiting on her? Why are you running around making meals for her? She’s perfectly capable of doing this herself. Why does she stay at your house 2 x per week - for what reason is she there?!!!!

Aside from that - you are doing far too many extra curricular activities etc. there’s no need. Cut back to 1 or 2 per week and that’s all.

 

[Whythough]

Maybe if your sibling is unstable she sees her time with you as her time to 'relax' which isn't fair on you. Maybe when she sends the pictures of the meals she cooks for the family you could suggest she makes it for you when she's next round or maybe ask if she fancies takeaway as your too tired to cook? See if the penny drops?
You sound like an amazing mum and daughter. You need to keep your cup topped up too though!
Can your sons dad do any of the activities with him?

 

[BettyCrockerr]

N

Yes, I've discussed boundaries in therapy a LOT. We have none or I sometimes find the strength to mention something, things change for a week or two then go back to the way they were. It's like it goes in one ear and out the other. She says she stays to 'help' but all it does is give me an extra mouth to feed and someone to wait on.

I don't need a cleaner. I enjoy cleaning. I clean in the evenings.

I don't feel overstretched. I like being busy. I just don't like waiting on other adults.



She comes to 'help' I think

Also, I've not been to her house for almost fifteen years. My sibling is unstable so I can't go round.

You have to have a word with her. If she’s coming to
Your house she cannot expect you to wait on her. Sounds like she’s coming to yours for some form
Of respite from your sibling but dressing it up as her coming to “help” you. Say to her that while she’s welcome to come over, you have enough on your plate and you can’t be running around after her. She can come over and bring a cooked meal
For all of you or she can help you prepare dinner. She can help with your child - do bathtime or help tidy up the house after. You need to put your foot down here and put some boundaries in place.?

 

[GhostHoward]

The easy one first….clubs. I have many children (four). My eldest can take himself to things himself (although mostly does stuff during school, as he has 3 separate music lessons).
Next two children have a club a night other than Friday at school. Just means I collect them later from school. Then on friday one has an out of school club (easy walking distance and something he loves).
Baby we have a group on my day off so I don’t feel guilty .

Your mother……..mate…!!!!!!
You’re a single parent who has to parent her mother as well. Does she have narcissistic tendencies? My parents take my kids every so often, and we all go stay as a family too. They come to me for the odd Sunday lunch or special occasions, but mostly host so I get a break. Whilst there I help with the cooking etc. but a load shared is a load halved (and I love cooking). They take over most of the kid duties, which the kids adore.
Your mum needs to buck up her ideas or stop coming. You’re not her mother. You’re not her maid. She, however is a grandmother, so should have an independent relationship with your son and take him out/have sleepovers to solidify a good relationship.

 

[And_that's_okay!]

The easy one first….clubs. I have many children (four). My eldest can take himself to things himself (although mostly does stuff during school, as he has 3 separate music lessons).
Next two children have a club a night other than Friday at school. Just means I collect them later from school. Then on friday one has an out of school club (easy walking distance and something he loves).
Baby we have a group on my day off so I don’t feel guilty .

Your mother……..mate…!!!!!!
You’re a single parent who has to parent her mother as well. Does she have narcissistic tendencies? My parents take my kids every so often, and we all go stay as a family too. They come to me for the odd Sunday lunch or special occasions, but mostly host so I get a break. Whilst there I help with the cooking etc. but a load shared is a load halved (and I love cooking). They take over most of the kid duties, which the kids adore.
Your mum needs to buck up her ideas or stop coming. You’re not her mother. You’re not her maid. She, however is a grandmother, so should have an independent relationship with your son and take him out/have sleepovers to solidify a good relationship.

Oh yeah, she's defo had narcissistic traits. She's sabotaged all my romantic relationships and tries to break my friendships down. She'll call my friends names or say things to try and paint them as bad people.

She has never offered to take my son out. Never buys him anything (you'd think a grandmother would want to buy him an item of clothing or something). He can't go to her house.

Honestly, it's all pretty dire.

You could say, I'd a bit scared of her

Does anyone else happen to have a dysfunctional family at all?

 

[Lisdiz]

Oh yeah, she's defo had narcissistic traits. She's sabotaged all my romantic relationships and tries to break my friendships down. She'll call my friends names or say things to try and paint them as bad people.

She has never offered to take my son out. Never buys him anything (you'd think a grandmother would want to buy him an item of clothing or something). He can't go to her house.

Honestly, it's all pretty dire.

You could say, I'd a bit scared of her

Does anyone else happen to have a dysfunctional family at all?

I do. It’s hard. Huge hugs.