Therarpy - what to expect

[The Devils Arse]

I've been seeing a therapist for a few weeks due to low self esteem and anxiety issues. I wasn't really sure what to expect but thought she would look at why I feel the way I do and how to change my outlook on myself, and maybe some work to do each week.

The session consists of her taking 5 mins to open the door, then she will go and feed her dog. I've talked about my childhood and my current thoughts. The therapist has spent 2 sessions completing an online anxiety test. (The same test but 2 weeks apart). She has said that I'm "difficult", she feels its like a job interview when speaking to me and that if I thought I would be a more outgoing person after 2 weeks I was mistaken. She said I'm not doing any work outside the session but I have no idea what I am supposed to be doing? I think about the session but I end up over thinking it and feel stupid about what I'm worried about. Which isn't helping with my anxiety.

Is this normal? Were my expectations incorrect? Any thoughts, options, etc would be super helpful! X

 

[Sunflower91]

First of all- your therapy time should always be about you. A good therapist makes sure it’s your time with minimal distraction (obvs sometime things can happen but feeding their dog in the middle shouldn’t be the norm).
In terms of the therapy and any tasks- it depends on what type of therapy you’ve gone for. I never had homework as such, but I would be encouraged to try things like saying no or being stricter with boundaries. The first few weeks I’d say I got worse before I got better but a part of that is my therapist needed to get a feel for me and I needed to build trust with her.
It sounds like talking with her is making your worries feel invalidated and maybe you should talk about that with them? They might not realise they’re being a bit too tough with you by talking though how you’re feeling about therapy itself and what you expect from it can sometimes help guide the session and the techniques they use.
Also please don’t be too hard on yourself- I felt anxious before and after every session I had for the first few months, mine spotted I was trying to “win” or “be good at” therapy and she gently told me that it’s not something to be good at or seek approval in, you do therapy for yourself and at the end of the day it was her job to listen and be my outlet and not my job to protect her or get her approval.

 

[shadowcat5]

Not normal at all but it does depend on what kind of therapist she is.

if she’s mainly a CBT therapist she might not focus on what is causing it, just how to tackle it. i once went to a CBT therapist (female) to discuss my anxiety, I mentioned being anxious about walking alone for obvious reasons ( I am female) and she says “well is that realistic?” And like arguable yeah?

i would recommend looking into another therapist who deals with the psychology of things. I didn’t respond well to CBT at all but I did for other forms of therapy like inner child work and stuff like that.

 

[Snippysnips]

This sounds similar to what my therapist for anxiety was like as well, she would spend most of the time talking about how her son was doing all these things an how I was doing nothing so therefore wasn't helping myself, she also had this worksheet that I was to fill out with what I was doing each day then tell me I wasn't doing enough, but she wouldn't help me understand my anxiety to get over it, it was more of a you should go an do this an that type attitude she had

In the end I walked out after 5 seasons, I was done listening to her son's life, I ended up going to a CBT person instead, CBT helped me understand what caused my anxiety an what my body was going through an what was happening in the brain at the time, for me personally it helped as I started to learn what was causing my attacks an slowly was able to recognise the signs an triggers an how to calm myself down before an attack happened

It really depends on what you are looking for, to me I feel like therapists are there to listen to you, let you get whatever off your shoulder an are more for emotion support an talking with an getting to the root of anything emotional you are dealing with

CBT are more for to let you get a understanding on what happens in the brain an body an how to change habits to stop triggers an how to change your behaviour, but they are not really there for generally listening too, they are more about changing your behaviour than offering emotion support with listening to you

 

[Gossgossgoss9888]

I think perhaps it sounds like the therapist may not be a great match for you. But the thing about therapists is that they're trained to understand that sometimes that might happen, so she shouldn't be surprised or offended if you talk to her about the difficulties you're having.

For therapy to work, you have to be able to make some sort of connection with your therapist. Therapy is built on trust and rapport and if they're not there it's not going to work.

My therapist regularly checks in with me, most sessions I'd say, to make sure I'm comfortable and to ask how I'm experiencing the therapeutic relationship. And she gives me regular feedback that she finds me easy to connect with.

 

[OnlyHereForTheLolz]

Go see a different therapist, she clearly shouldn't be taking on clients. What qualifications does she have? This is not normal behaviour from a therapist.

I was very lucky that the first person I saw was amazing and she set the benchmark for me. You also don't always click with your therapist and that is important because you need to feel comfortable telling them the whole truth.

Try a different therapist to see if you get on better and don't be shy to tell them if its not a right fit. You are after all paying for the service

 

[MsGilmore]

She sounds rather abrupt. I doubt that you expected to feel differently after two sessions. My therapist is very direct but because of time, I know that it is well intentioned.
I don’t understand the comment about you not doing anything outside of sessions. If she is a CBT therapist and you hadn’t done the homework given or attempted it then I could kind of understand what she said, but otherwise it sounds judgemental.
It may be worth having one more session and asking her to elaborate on those points. She might realise that she has come on too strong and reign it in a bit. Or she might be completely unapologetic and stand by what she said.
It depends on what you need and you may have to see a few therapists before you find the right one for you. This particular therapist’s approach may suit her clients, but not you. A therapist should be direct, but also empathic and someone that you feel connected to. I find it difficult to describe the connection that I feel to my therapist, but we get along well and I trust her.

 

[greenvelvet]

I don’t think this is normal, no. I’ve had a lot of different types of therapy and I’ve never had this happen. I do think it works FWIW - I am a lot better than I was when it all started about 10 years ago now.

From what you say it sounds like you’ve got counselling. She shouldn’t be planning to feed the dog during your session - therapists are supposed to focus entirely on you to encourage an environment where you feel comfortable talking. They also tend to avoid saying “you are _” or “you should”. They usually put things in a bit of a gentler way rather than just flat out saying you were mistaken, e.g. they’ll say something like “it can take some time to change the way you think”

Im usually pretty comfortable talking so my current sessions open with “how have you been” and just go from there.

It might be good to find a well-reputed clinic near you and see if you can arrange a session with one of their therapists - or find a psychologist here https://www.bps.org.uk/find-psychologist . I did the former and I had an assessment where they spoke to me about my issues basically, like an overview, and they matched me up with a therapist following on from that

 

[HM03]

Hi I'm actually a CBT therapist, not sure what modality of therapy you are having currently and I dont want to discredit this therapist but from my experience, it doesn't sound typical of what I would expect. When working with self esteem, anxiety etc the first few sessions are what we call psycho education. Looking at the root causes, understanding our problems a bit more and creating awareness. Having awareness is crucial, you need to understand why you are being asked to do something or what is the incentive in doing it? While CBT is different to counselling as counselling is more explorative whereas CBT is more present focused but I am a firm believer that to understand the present we have to be aware of the past. Taking 2 sessions to do a test seems a waste of time and something that could've probably been set as an in-between task. I would never be as abrupt to tell a client they are being difficult and would explore it a lot more sensitively, although I do know therapists who are more direct but like many of the above have said, its about finding someone that you can gel with. The therapeutic relationship plays a big factor in treatment success. My advice would be to try and address your concerns with the therapist. A professional will try and understand and adapt and this may improve your experience. If not I wouldn't let it put you off and I would try someone new. Well done for even attempting to get the support though that is a huge step that you should be proud of and best of luck moving forwards x

 

[rainbowlemon]

I've been seeing a therapist for a few weeks due to low self esteem and anxiety issues. I wasn't really sure what to expect but thought she would look at why I feel the way I do and how to change my outlook on myself, and maybe some work to do each week.

The session consists of her taking 5 mins to open the door, then she will go and feed her dog. I've talked about my childhood and my current thoughts. The therapist has spent 2 sessions completing an online anxiety test. (The same test but 2 weeks apart). She has said that I'm "difficult", she feels its like a job interview when speaking to me and that if I thought I would be a more outgoing person after 2 weeks I was mistaken. She said I'm not doing any work outside the session but I have no idea what I am supposed to be doing? I think about the session but I end up over thinking it and feel stupid about what I'm worried about. Which isn't helping with my anxiety.

Is this normal? Were my expectations incorrect? Any thoughts, options, etc would be super helpful! X

Switch.

I've been in therapy for almost 5 years now. The first sentence about feeding the dog is a red flag.

Telling you that you're difficult two sessions in is also red flag.

The most important step to healing is the relationship and that you actually feel comfortable with her.

It's not a matter of white knuckling it. I saw two others before I found my long term therapist who I worked with for 2.5 years. Switched and saw someone else for around 10 sessions. Now I've been with my current one since june.

*3.5

 

[The Devils Arse]

Thank you all for the lovely replies and time taken!

I was getting myself so worked up about it I've cancelled my sessions with her. I watched an interesting documentary on netflix called stutz. Its about Jonah Hills therapist, so I'm going to have a further look at his approach as I've been a bit put off going to a therapist again.

Thanks again everyone x

 

[Jane Tee]

Thank you all for the lovely replies and time taken!

I was getting myself so worked up about it I've cancelled my sessions with her. I watched an interesting documentary on netflix called stutz. Its about Jonah Hills therapist, so I'm going to have a further look at his approach as I've been a bit put off going to a therapist again.

Thanks again everyone x

I watched that yesterday.
He's written books.
Interesting approach.

 

[Gossgossgoss9888]

Thank you all for the lovely replies and time taken!

I was getting myself so worked up about it I've cancelled my sessions with her. I watched an interesting documentary on netflix called stutz. Its about Jonah Hills therapist, so I'm going to have a further look at his approach as I've been a bit put off going to a therapist again.

Thanks again everyone x

I hope you don't give up.

I was completely put off by my first therapist (she was a frail-seeming older lady who always told me how worried she was about me. I felt responsible for her feelings and it just added to my worries). I stopped seeing her and then it was 12 years of suffering and struggles before I found the courage to seek out a new therapist - but I've been with that one for nearly a year and I'm so glad I did it.

It's worth writing down a couple of lists, I think. First, write down a list of the things about this therapist that you didn't like, or that stopped you from being able to work with her. Then, write down a list of things you do want in a therapist.

Many therapists will offer a free introductory session to allow you both to try to work out if the relationship is going to work. If you can go to a first session with a clear idea of what you want, and what isn't going to work for you, then that will help you decide if the one you're speaking to is worth trying again with.

You can also share these negative experiences with any future therapist. If you say something like, "my previous therapist told me I was difficult and that brought up a lot for me around guilt and pressure and expectation" then the new therapist knows firstly not to say stuff like that to you, and secondly that there's some pain in that area that will need addressing at some point.

The therapeutic relationship is the most important part of therapy. You can't get anything done without it.

I do hope you decide to try again when you're ready.