The Women's Toilet (Alternative advice thread for The Girls Bathroom podcast)

[secretsunloaded]

Hi ladies, hope you’re all still here on this thread. Would appreciate any advice as always gals.
So basically I haven’t been in a relationship for about 4 years. I’m seeing this new guy for about 2 months and things are getting pretty serious. I’m scared it’s moving too fast- I’m not the emotional and relationship type, but I don’t want to push him away.
Help I’ve not had feelings for anyone like this is a long time and I don’t want my heartbroken again. Hence why I keep my emotions closed off.

Hey girl! I've been in a pretty similar boat as you - I was scared of getting into a new relationship after being heartbroken from my previous one years ago but one thing ive learnt that if it feels right then why let anything stop you? Your feelings for him should tell you enough

I do think 2 months is pretty fast as you may not know the guy as well as you think, I always get scared that they put on some kind of front haha this is why communication is such a big thing and explaining to him how you feel etc. I agree with the above poster of getting answers from him and getting that reassurance that he wants what you want and vice versa.

Take your time and get to know him buttttt if you feel like you're ready then I say go for it

 

[Tea4u]

I need some advice that’s impartial from anyone who knows me please.

My close friend said she needs space from me and we haven’t spoken in well over a week. She has now cancelled a plan for this weekend that I paid for and she was going to pay me back when she could.
The plan is non refundable and now I am left worried about her needing space, but without the money too for the plan. I didn’t want to bring up the money as it’s not a priority but I don’t know what to do. Do I ask her if we can talk about things as I’ve been worried every day? We usually talk daily so this is very strange.

 

[secretsunloaded]

I need some advice that’s impartial from anyone who knows me please.

My close friend said she needs space from me and we haven’t spoken in well over a week. She has now cancelled a plan for this weekend that I paid for and she was going to pay me back when she could.
The plan is non refundable and now I am left worried about her needing space, but without the money too for the plan. I didn’t want to bring up the money as it’s not a priority but I don’t know what to do. Do I ask her if we can talk about things as I’ve been worried every day? We usually talk daily so this is very strange.

I'm starting to think we all live really similar lives because the same thing literally happened to me too. A little context may help like did anything happen between you two like a disagreement ect?

In these situations you need to think about your mental health first and how this is making you feel. It's really tit losing close people to you and I always think that if they care about you, they will reach out when they're ready. It's horrible that it is worrying you so I would send a message for a peace of mind and if she airs that message then let her be, you do not need that kind of negative energy in your life and you'll feel alot more free without her. It's been over a week now and that is quite alot of time to be needing space from a friend? I had a friend that did that to me (said she needed space) then we didn't speak for over 4 years

At this stage the money is not the highlight of the dilemma and bringing it up may make things even more awkward she should know herself and hopefully she will deal with that. But just to clarify I do think sending a message to see how she is never hurts and will make you feel 10x better and shows you're the bigger person good luck!

 

[aaliyahplz]

I need some advice that’s impartial from anyone who knows me please.

My close friend said she needs space from me and we haven’t spoken in well over a week. She has now cancelled a plan for this weekend that I paid for and she was going to pay me back when she could.
The plan is non refundable and now I am left worried about her needing space, but without the money too for the plan. I didn’t want to bring up the money as it’s not a priority but I don’t know what to do. Do I ask her if we can talk about things as I’ve been worried every day? We usually talk daily so this is very strange.

My first thought was there must be something up if she needs space/is cancelling plans- I would reach out from a place of care and say that you respect her space but ask her if she is ok and just tell her you are worried and you want to talk when the time is right for her and that you're always there if she does need to talk- but also if this is affecting you negatively you need to do what's best for you, it's unfair for you to be worried and left losing the money (even though as you said it's not the most important thing, but it's still the principle of it) I am not saying she is a bad or toxic friend by any means but I have had toxic friendships that have really drained my mental health because they never ever thought about me or how things impacted me and I was left in similar situations, owed money etc. I am not saying this is the case with your friend at all, but sometimes you have to be a bit selfish and put yourself first which is clearly what she's doing as she's distanced herself and is cancelling plans (also I am not against cancelling plans due to your mental health, I have done this before, however, personally if I'd cancelled on a plan my friend had paid for and I said I would pay them back I would still pay them back even if I didn't go it's just polite you know??? and unfair to the friend? IMO if she messaged you to cancel she should've at least said she'd pay you back eventually if she couldn't do it right away), if you feel like you have to put yourself first for your mental wellbeing and you need clarity/answers than you are well within your rights to say so and tell her this instead of being left wondering what's going on as this is impacting you too.

I hope everything is ok and you work it out

 

[Tea4u]

So she told me she needed space over a week ago after a day out, I personally didn’t think we had a disagreement on the day and I was under the impression we were still messaging as normal until I messaged a normal message and was told that “yesterday was too much for me”. She does struggle with anxiety and it was a social event which I understand and sympathise with. At that messaged I wished her well and said I am there when she is ready and left it until she has cancelled this weekends plans that have been booked for weeks. I hoped we would be on better terms so we could go to the plans but she has cancelled and no mention of the money. Yes it’s not the biggest deal but it seems to me it’s not something she has thought of. However my main concern is my overthinking of what I did that was wrong or whether it was her anxiety etc..

I haven’t said how I feel or felt because I don’t want to make it about me but at what point do I stop waiting for her to be ready and come to me? I’m not used to this because it doesn’t happen so I don’t know what’s common to do. One part of me wants to message because I am upset that we aren’t talking and also plans have been cancelled but I don’t want to smother her and be too much?! sorry for the long reply but I hope it helps with context. Thank you for replying x

 

[justapossum]

@Tea4u If I can give advice from a perspective of a person that struggles with anxiety and has also cancelled plans due to mental health in the past - if I ask for space and time, I truly need that. Sometimes anxiety can make you feel suffocated and every single thing can become overwhelming (even messaging). In situations like this I appreciate when my friends just send me a quick message to tell me that they're here for me, whatever it is that I might need, and to send them a message any time/when I'm ready.
Sometimes if it has been a while, such as a week, they will send me a brief message to just "check in" without being too much (such as "hey, how's things? hope you're feeling better and if not remember I'm here." - avoid long emotional paragraphs as they can be too much). I find that when someone sends me multiple or frequent messages after I asked for space it makes me more anxious/ovewhelmed and want to withdraw from this person even more.
I know the financial aspect must be stressful for you, but if she's your good friend, you will sort this out at a later time. When you're in a bad place mentally, all of these things are not a priority and it's hard to have the mental capacity to sort these little things out when you feel like you're drowning. So hopefully she will take some time out and reach out when she is ready, and then you can bring up the money thing and just let her know that you didn't want to say anything beforehand as you knew that she needed time.
(Hope this helps in any way).

 

[Dojacat101]

So she told me she needed space over a week ago after a day out, I personally didn’t think we had a disagreement on the day and I was under the impression we were still messaging as normal until I messaged a normal message and was told that “yesterday was too much for me”. She does struggle with anxiety and it was a social event which I understand and sympathise with. At that messaged I wished her well and said I am there when she is ready and left it until she has cancelled this weekends plans that have been booked for weeks. I hoped we would be on better terms so we could go to the plans but she has cancelled and no mention of the money. Yes it’s not the biggest deal but it seems to me it’s not something she has thought of. However my main concern is my overthinking of what I did that was wrong or whether it was her anxiety etc..

I haven’t said how I feel or felt because I don’t want to make it about me but at what point do I stop waiting for her to be ready and come to me? I’m not used to this because it doesn’t happen so I don’t know what’s common to do. One part of me wants to message because I am upset that we aren’t talking and also plans have been cancelled but I don’t want to smother her and be too much?! sorry for the long reply but I hope it helps with context. Thank you for replying x

Awww girl, I feel for you.
In situations like this it’s so easy to get caught up on text messages, interpreting them in a different way ect. I would suggest giving her a call, or a FaceTime. Text her today saying hey can we FaceTime/ call later for a catch up? Keep it casual. Actually talking to her rather than texting you can understand more where her head is at. Maybe she’s having family or boy problems? Maybe her work is stressing her? All you can do as a friend is be there for her. If she says no I don’t wanna ft or call- I would let her know that you are there to talk whenever.
maybe find someone else to go with you at the weekend? But don’t post too much about it on socials.
let us know how you get on xxxxx

 

[sephylily]

I need some advice that’s impartial from anyone who knows me please.

My close friend said she needs space from me and we haven’t spoken in well over a week. She has now cancelled a plan for this weekend that I paid for and she was going to pay me back when she could.
The plan is non refundable and now I am left worried about her needing space, but without the money too for the plan. I didn’t want to bring up the money as it’s not a priority but I don’t know what to do. Do I ask her if we can talk about things as I’ve been worried every day? We usually talk daily so this is very strange.

Wow something really similar is happening to me. One of my close friends has stopped responding to my messages and hasn't given me the money for our plans either. I've got no idea if she's even going to turn up or not and I'm upset but also annoyed because I wish she would've just said at the start if she didn't want to come. I don't know how to help you but I would be frustrated in your situation and I would mention the money. It's not your priority sure but it might get her to speak to you a bit.