The ex

[Redyellowgreen]

A few months ago 6-8 months ago I met someone through work .. he was in a relationship, and due to be married come next year .. however it wasn't a good relationship it was physically and verbally abusive ( not him but his girlfriend ) . He was very open and honest about his relationship. We went out as friends and said he had to be true to himself , that even if he was to get married it wouldn't be a happy marriage and he was only marrying her as at the time he thought it was the right thing to do . He decided to end his relationship and moved out of his house . At this time she also agreed that they were more friends than anything.
Him and his ex were amicable.
As we continued to spend time together. We became closer.
Over the weekend the ex has found out that he is now seeing someone .
Come last night she managed to work out his Instagram password and she hacked into his account.
She has now screen shot our private messages and photos and sent me a heap of abuse to me , horrible messages .
She is also threatening to post our private conversation and photos ( I'm aware this would be classed as revenge porn)
I am now hurt , I feel like my privacy has been violated. And I don't know what I'm ment to do . How can I stop her from doing this. I don't even know this woman.

 

[Ya-Mar]

Personally I wouldn’t have even went out as friends before his relationship ended. If there was 100% nothing serious going on before he left his ex then I would try and discuss it with her and explain nobody will benefit from her posting the conversations etc...

 

[Redyellowgreen]

When we went out was friends we were also with other work friends it wasn't just me and him. 100% nothing going on before he ended his relationship he started to get feelings for me so that was it he ended it and they were amicable

 

[StrawberryCream]

Report her to the police and show them that she went on to her ex’s Instagram account and show them the threatening messages she’s sending you. Pretty sure it’s harassment. Got to disagree with the poster above don’t see an issue with going out as friends? Loads of relationships happen after a friendship, doesn’t mean there was any cheating going on.

 

[Clickbait]

As an outsider, the idea that anyone would want to marry someone who is physically and verbally abusive because “it’s the right thing to do” seems a little strange but people often stay with their abusers because they are trapped and have been made to feel the abuse is normal or deserved.

I’m guessing the version of events you have is from him, you don’t know this woman, and there are no other more independent sources of information about their relationship?

Her reaction is quite extreme if she was fine with their relationship ending, she agreed they were more friends and your relationship only started once he’d moved out. Presumably the messages date from after he moved out too so no crossover at all with them as a couple?

It could be that she wasn’t fine with it at all but as someone who has been classed as verbally abusive, if she didn’t like it surely she’d have made her feelings known. Did he tell her that he’d started a new relationship or had he moved on (and out) sufficiently that they did not have contact any longer?

She may just be deeply hurt and acting out. He may have been misleading you as to the nature of their relationship and what has been said to her.

I think you will probably need to speak to the police if you fear that she’ll be sharing explicit photos of you because as you know revenge porn is a crime. They should be able to advise you and could probably contact her with a warning.

 

[candyland_]

The classic I’m in a bad relationship line.. Rarely true. Are you sure they aren’t still together?

 

[BettyCrockerr]

Hmmmmmmmm


Do you have any real evidence that A) she was genuinely abusive towards him? B) that they have actually called off the wedding C) that their relationship is officially over? Other than him telling you so?


The fact that he was going out socially with you when he was engaged to be married is dodgy - he obviously fancied you even if he never acted on it, so frankly he’s already been duplicitous.


That aside - her behaviour now isn’t on. I’d contact the police and explain the situation to them and see if they can stop her from doing anything else. I’d also ensure he now changes all his passwords etc but I don’t think you can trust him - something isn’t adding up.

 

[Redyellowgreen]

I don't fully have any evidence about the abuse other than 'the rule book' he had to live by and him telli g me that on occasions she would hit him and be verbally abusive

She has given back the engagement ring . There was talks a few weeks ago about the house and he said they wouldn't sell it until after Christmas so she wasn't potentially homeless for Christmas
However Friday she had contacted him to say she would buy him out the property at a ridiculously low price.
He has a very small following on Instagram she's noticed a name she didn't know (me) and started asking questions ... by Sunday she had managed to hack into his account and was reading the messages... and now her pals are sending me the friend requests and abusive messages...

The fact that she has screen shots of me and his conversations and photos makes me feel sick. Why do this to someone else I just feel so exposed.
And now I don't even want to speak to him ... what a right mess

 

[StrawberryCream]

The fact that she has screen shots of me and his conversations and photos makes me feel sick. Why do this to someone else I just feel so exposed.
And now I don't even want to speak to him ... what a right mess

You’re going to have to do something about this like contacting the police and I would do it sooner rather than later. You know her address so they will likely go and give her a warning about releasing any photos and to not contact you anymore, it might scare her off too and you shouldn’t hear anymore from her.

 

[BettyCrockerr]

I don't fully have any evidence about the abuse other than 'the rule book' he had to live by and him telli g me that on occasions she would hit him and be verbally abusive

She has given back the engagement ring . There was talks a few weeks ago about the house and he said they wouldn't sell it until after Christmas so she wasn't potentially homeless for Christmas
However Friday she had contacted him to say she would buy him out the property at a ridiculously low price.


He has a very small following on Instagram she's noticed a name she didn't know (me) and started asking questions ... by Sunday she had managed to hack into his account and was reading the messages... and now her pals are sending me the friend requests and abusive messages...

The fact that she has screen shots of me and his conversations and photos makes me feel sick. Why do this to someone else I just feel so exposed.
And now I don't even want to speak to him ... what a right mess

regarding the above bit In bold - are you only going on what he is telling you though??? Unless you are able to confirm what he’s telling you then how do you know any of its even true??

First off - contact the police. Today - now. Contact them and tell them everything and that she is threatening you and the whole hacking into
His social media/threatened to publish intimate photos etc. The whole lot. They will probably go to see her and I think after that you might start getting to the bottom of what’s been going on.

 

[Clickbait]

I don't fully have any evidence about the abuse other than 'the rule book' he had to live by and him telli g me that on occasions she would hit him and be verbally abusive

She has given back the engagement ring . There was talks a few weeks ago about the house and he said they wouldn't sell it until after Christmas so she wasn't potentially homeless for Christmas
However Friday she had contacted him to say she would buy him out the property at a ridiculously low price.
He has a very small following on Instagram she's noticed a name she didn't know (me) and started asking questions ... by Sunday she had managed to hack into his account and was reading the messages... and now her pals are sending me the friend requests and abusive messages...

The fact that she has screen shots of me and his conversations and photos makes me feel sick. Why do this to someone else I just feel so exposed.
And now I don't even want to speak to him ... what a right mess

So what do the abusive messages say? Are you being accused of something? I just can’t help but feel that there is more to this than you’re aware of even if it just the way he’s handled all of this.

I wouldn’t send abusive messages to the new gf of a friend’s partner full stop, but they must have been told something more than you’d got together after they’d split up for them to get involved surely?

I wonder if you can send her a clear message that says you are not aware you have done anything wrong - that you were told their relationship was over and he had moved out before anything started between you both. That you will go to the Police because sharing of images is illegal and you would rather she did not get into trouble needlessly. Ask her if she wants to talk to you about it.

I hope this man has not been playing you both for fools. What has he said about all of this?

 

[Redyellowgreen]

Thank you all so much for your help and advice.

This is true I don't have any solid evidence other than what he has told me and through a few mutual friend who have said its over and he has returned to his parents house.

He is in bits , as well as all the abuse I was getting she then started burning the remaining belongings he had at the house.
But then I've been ignoring his calls because I don't even know where to start.....

I've been getting told I the worst piece of tit ... that she will get someone to sort me out ... then it was her brother was coming to break my legs

 

[BettyCrockerr]

Thank you all so much for your help and advice.

This is true I don't have any solid evidence other than what he has told me and through a few mutual friend who have said its over and he has returned to his parents house.

He is in bits , as well as all the abuse I was getting she then started burning the remaining belongings he had at the house.
But then I've been ignoring his calls because I don't even know where to start.....

I've been getting told I the worst piece of tit ... that she will get someone to sort me out ... then it was her brother was coming to break my legs

Contact the police. Now.

 

[StrawberryCream]

I've been getting told I the worst piece of tit ... that she will get someone to sort me out ... then it was her brother was coming to break my legs

What the hell? How old is this girl?

 

[BettyCrockerr]

Just to add….

All of this drama - all of the hassle, the doubting, the wondering what’s true & what’s not true, wondering if he’s trust worthy etc

It’s all a big red flag telling you to run as far away from this guy as you can get. This kind of tit never gets better, it will forever be ongoing, and honestly- he’s not worth it. He’s got way too much baggage and too many issues. Forget about him and draw a line under whatever romantic feelings you may have had for him. But you do need to get her off your case and get the police involved.

 

[Redyellowgreen]

She's 29
Thank you he tried to tell me in a message that this is a once off that she will settle down in a few weeks but I shouldn't even be dealing with this right now ..

 

[Tinkerbell cat]

if this is all totally innocent then the ex clearly didn’t want him but doesn’t want anyone else to have him. And now she’s seen he’s moved on is acting out.

However, for her to be acting like this after originally being amicable and saying she thought of him as more of a friend, is a bit strange.

this seems to be just a bit too much to putti my up with in the early days of a relationship. I’d definitely ring the police about the threats, if anything it’ll hopefully scare her off.Her behaviour seems very strange. My ex got on like that and I had to ring the police on him, he was 32 yet getting on like something bloody deranged.

 

[dancingqueen5678]

He could be lying, he could be telling the truth. In all honesty it doesn't really matter. She's out of order completely! I would contact the police. Screenshot and document every single thing both of them say to you. Yes him as well cause who knows his part in this! I would ask a trusted friend who was on the night out with you all to vouch that it was indeed platonic and just a work night out with everyone. Also I would not in any way shape or form reply to her. Do not add any fuel to this fire. Ignore her completely. Do not try to explain yourself. It will be pointless, she won't listen and likelihood is it will just wind her up more. I would probably just block her actually.

 

[Very traditional]

Obviously the ex's behaviour is completely out of order and as others have said you definitely need to contact the police but I was just wondering when did their relationship end and yours begin? As you mentioned about her not being homeless for Xmas which makes it sound like a very recent break up? And the messages and photos she's found on insta, were they definitely from after their break up, not while they were still together? As I could understand why she would be hurt and angry if they were from when she was with him (again, not justifying threatening behaviour but context is helpful).

I do hope you're ok, it's an awful situation to be in, especially so early on in a relationship.

 

[Redyellowgreen]

Obviously the ex's behaviour is completely out of order and as others have said you definitely need to contact the police but I was just wondering when did their relationship end and yours begin? As you mentioned about her not being homeless for Xmas which makes it sound like a very recent break up? And the messages and photos she's found on insta, were they definitely from after their break up, not while they were still together? As I could understand why she would be hurt and angry if they were from when she was with him (again, not justifying threatening behaviour but context is helpful).

I do hope you're ok, it's an awful situation to be in, especially so early on in a relationship.

We went out with friends in June .. there was nothing more other than speaking at work...

Then in August he ended his relationship at this point she agreed that it felt like they were friends and she agreed with the ending of the relationship. He's been back living with his parents since.

The last few weeks things have progressed and we have become closer

I don't know why I currently have so much resentment towards him like i don't even want him to message me