Taking accountability for yourself and sticking to it

[plinky2]

I have life long anxiety that has got out of control recently. I’ve allowed it to get out of control. I have never had such a moment of clarity recently, when I suddenly finally realised I was responsible for fixing my own mental health and no one else and I had a choice whether to let things bother me or not.

I realised everything around me had gone to tit and I was blaming everyone else but never myself for it. I have been completely blind/in denial about everything for a long time, finding escapes and excuses, feeling like a victim and blaming others and never being accountable. I’ve gone to counsellors and they didn’t fix me and it was confusing so I needed to keep going back. I was looking for something I never found.

Now I know part of healing is not torture yourself with blame and the causes of mental health are not your fault. It’s not your fault if you had trauma happen to you. I am talking about how you manage your symptoms of the trauma to just keep reliving the pain every day. I thought I was doing well. I thought I was self reliant. Guess what I’m not! I have not been the best healthy partner, friend or parent I could be as I’ve allowed my own fears and anxiety to make it all about ME. When people would try to help me I would tell them they didn’t understand and they were wrong! But then I wanted them to fix things, make me feel better, reassure me. I would go back to over thinking, catastrophising and fixing everything.

I have to put my life back together. I’m going to get therapy. I am working out all my triggers. I need to find coping strategies. I’m going to take accountability for my bad decisions. I was told I have PTSD. I have hidden behind this as a label to allow me to behave as I want without facing any consequences. I haven’t done anything terrible to anyone, more that I am selfish and hard work.

I don’t feel any self pity any more, I actually feel kind of enlightened and excited to know I can be free-er of these feelings if I work really hard.

Has anyone done this work on themselves if so can you give me any tips or advice how to stay accountable? How did it work for you? I don’t want to slide back to where I was every time there is a crisis. I have the SAM app which is really good.

I need to do more work on my inner critic as it’s top Dog recently!

 

[Gloria Rostron]

Just be careful, it can be easier to blame yourself for everything rather than call out other people. Use the word "sorry" sparingly.

 

[plinky2]

Just be careful, it can be easier to blame yourself for everything rather than call out other people. Use the word "sorry" sparingly.

Yes I agree. Thank you. I am only going to say sorry sparingly if it’s required. I do have someone to apologise to for specific behaviours that I did do that upset them and not make an excuse for it or blame them. I did blame them fairly intensely.

I am just going to acknowledge in a blame free way that I am aware of losing control over my anxiety and that I am focusing on solutions not more problems. It’s up to them how they process that information as it might not mean anything to them and that’s ok. I can’t keep trying to think ahead and counteract everything that might happen or worry about a reaction. If they don’t want to acknowledge their side then that is their choice. I don’t think I will feel any better calling someone out unless it’s necessary.

If someone cheats on your or lies to you it’s ok to call them out. But if you let your anxious imagination run wild and make up all kinds of perceived things that were not correct then it wont help to keep going over them and keeping them alive. If it was anxiety talking then that can be acknowledged?

 

[Sunflower91]

Around 5 years ago I got into real trouble with my mental health. I’d started seeing a therapist because anxiety was ruling my life, I was addicted to SH and I could barely function. After a few session of everything basically tumbling out it was pretty clear in the mix was CPTSD which through the journey made it really difficult to pinpoint triggers, it takes a lot for me to not hold someone at arms length and I struggled to feel any emotions other than anger. I’ve come along way since then, still have my off days but I have a lot more mental resilience than I did.

Some of the key things I’d say I’ve learned would be that;

- recovery from any kind of trauma isn’t linear, it’s okay to slip up and have a bad day. Accept it , do what you have to and tomorrow is a new day.

- You’re never going to be the same person pre-trauma and it’s always going to be a part of you. But that doesn’t have to be a bad thing. For me, I think about all of the things I’ve done since then that I never would have done before. But at the same time it’s okay to mourn who you think you could have been.

- there’s a really fine line between accountability and blame. They don’t have to be the same thing. Blame isn’t helpful and can lead to feelings of shame, beating yourself up. Accountability can be being kind to yourself about things too. Acknowledging that you’ve maybe not had the right response to something and being okay with that. A saying my therapist used to use was “you did what you had to to cope and survive” and for me they was something that sat nicely between being accountable that what I’d done wasn’t a good choice, but opening things up to examine and see why I’d done that so I could learn about myself.

-Build yourself time and a safe space to examine how you’re feeling. Sometimes it doesn’t come to you straight away but it’s helpful to figure out what flavour of anxiety you’re feeling and where it’s come from. Does it have a trigger? Where do you feel it? Rather than telling yourself to “not be anxious” or that you have no reason to be anxious, accept that you are. I think it’s different for everyone but there’s nuance in anxiety, sometimes it’s trauma related and other times it’s just regular anxiety but also it could be instinct.

You sound in a good place but also quite hard on yourself and I see a lot in what you’ve written is similar to how I used to talk about myself. I don’t know you IRL but I’d be willing to bet you’re not hard work or selfish. It sounds to me that you try very hard to be the best person you can be, you’re probably a good friend too. Don’t forget to treat your inner self as you would a friend too.

 

[plinky2]

Around 5 years ago I got into real trouble with my mental health. I’d started seeing a therapist because anxiety was ruling my life, I was addicted to SH and I could barely function. After a few session of everything basically tumbling out it was pretty clear in the mix was CPTSD which through the journey made it really difficult to pinpoint triggers, it takes a lot for me to not hold someone at arms length and I struggled to feel any emotions other than anger. I’ve come along way since then, still have my off days but I have a lot more mental resilience than I did.

Some of the key things I’d say I’ve learned would be that;

- recovery from any kind of trauma isn’t linear, it’s okay to slip up and have a bad day. Accept it , do what you have to and tomorrow is a new day.

- You’re never going to be the same person pre-trauma and it’s always going to be a part of you. But that doesn’t have to be a bad thing. For me, I think about all of the things I’ve done since then that I never would have done before. But at the same time it’s okay to mourn who you think you could have been.

- there’s a really fine line between accountability and blame. They don’t have to be the same thing. Blame isn’t helpful and can lead to feelings of shame, beating yourself up. Accountability can be being kind to yourself about things too. Acknowledging that you’ve maybe not had the right response to something and being okay with that. A saying my therapist used to use was “you did what you had to to cope and survive” and for me they was something that sat nicely between being accountable that what I’d done wasn’t a good choice, but opening things up to examine and see why I’d done that so I could learn about myself.

-Build yourself time and a safe space to examine how you’re feeling. Sometimes it doesn’t come to you straight away but it’s helpful to figure out what flavour of anxiety you’re feeling and where it’s come from. Does it have a trigger? Where do you feel it? Rather than telling yourself to “not be anxious” or that you have no reason to be anxious, accept that you are. I think it’s different for everyone but there’s nuance in anxiety, sometimes it’s trauma related and other times it’s just regular anxiety but also it could be instinct.

You sound in a good place but also quite hard on yourself and I see a lot in what you’ve written is similar to how I used to talk about myself. I don’t know you IRL but I’d be willing to bet you’re not hard work or selfish. It sounds to me that you try very hard to be the best person you can be, you’re probably a good friend too. Don’t forget to treat your inner self as you would a friend too.

This is Amazing thank you for sharing, I can’t thank you enough. I love what you have said and so much of it hits home. Your journey sounds really tough, I admire your progress with your self discovery and forgiveness. This is important I agree, to forgive yourself. I am trying this kindness on myself. I did not do the things I did because I enjoyed them, it was out of fear. Someone abusive created those fears for me and I have lived in it ever since. I now hate being trapped in the fear and want to leave. I think I hate the presence of the fear more than it scares me now.

Thing is that person (dad) doesn’t think of me every single day, and I haven’t ruined their life, they don’t invest even 1% or their energy on me at all so I get angry with myself that they have completely invaded mine. That anger has sent me a long way down a negative path and I need to stop walking down it. I cannot spend another 20 years waiting for my father to die until I feel free - he will still bloody haunt me if I let him (someone alive is haunting me now ) so I can have my own funeral for all this pain and hurt that needs to move on and set me free.

I did really well acknowledging my behaviours and taking accountability today and it felt so good to finally say something with belief, conviction and NO BLAME or excuses. I also did explain to them and to myself that I will slip up, yes, I will have bad days I will have things that test me. What I cannot do is let that set me back to the start. I also didn’t say sorry for being anxious or catastrophising, I just said sorry for any of my behaviours that hurt them.

Telling me (or myself) ‘don’t worry’ or ‘don’t be anxious’ is a major trigger I have identified. I feel so intensely invalidated about those statements or the sentiment of that. I will never be able to say to myself ‘don’t worry’, and if someone says it to me I get really defensive and upset and feel like they don’t understand me. What I need to do is label the feeling and ask myself what I want to do about it? Maybe I do need to worry. Not all worry is going to be pointless or silly, maybe it’s valid.

I have been writing down triggers as I find them and staring back at them to work out what is the cause.

I have been hard work, I’ve been very difficult to communicate with and sometimes just plain rude and obnoxious which is not really my personality talking, it’s the overload of stress and anxiety that I have been helplessly wallowing in.

 

[shadowcat5]

My advice would be make sure there’s a difference between accountability and shame.
You are right. Only you can fix yourself. accountability is acknowledging where you can fix the situation and having kindness with yourself. Shame is beating yourself up.

I would say figure out triggers but also what helps them. I find the thing you need to make you better (mine is a duvet day! Curtains closed, favourite YTer on etc)
i find cleaning can sometimes help too

 

[plinky2]

My advice would be make sure there’s a difference between accountability and shame.
You are right. Only you can fix yourself. accountability is acknowledging where you can fix the situation and having kindness with yourself. Shame is beating yourself up.

I would say figure out triggers but also what helps them. I find the thing you need to make you better (mine is a duvet day! Curtains closed, favourite YTer on etc)
i find cleaning can sometimes help too

I have been using cleaning inappropriately! I have been coming home and letting mess in my house make me feel depressed then nagging the kids and making them feel bad all the time. I like cleaning and organising but I put too much pressure on for it to stay clean. I think I need to go out more

shame is a huge thing to move past, you know those movies in your head that play out all the time of all the things you did that make you feel bad or cringe.

I want to make myself happy and to do that I need to be kinder to myself

thank you