Struggling with life

[pkmid]

I am so fed up right now. My mum passed away last year from a short battle with cancer. We were best friends and it’s devastated me. My younger brother is living in her house (I live with my husband). I’ve had to help my younger brother a lot as he’s learned the hard way by being independent etc. I try to be so patient but it’s hard. The one person I want to talk to for advice isn’t here anymore. My dad is in the same city but not very helpful or involved with us (parents were divorced). Brother got into trouble with the law over the weekend and managed to get a police caution. Problem is my brother just struggles to meet people so I can see his side even if he was being bone headed. Im upset at the thought of what my mum would think. I’m trying my best to support him but it’s so hard. I feel ashamed by association. I’m at my limit to be honest. Life is not enjoyable. My best friend in the whole world has gone and I struggle alot without her.

 

[Pretzeletzel83]

I'm really sorry to hear how crap things have been for you. Do you have any other family members you could ask for support or help?

 

[pkmid]

I'm really sorry to hear how crap things have been for you. Do you have any other family members you could ask for support or help?

Nope not really. I’ve become like a replacement mum but that’s more because we’re so similar and my natural instinct is to support. No grandparents or aunts/uncles.

 

[Pretzeletzel83]

Nope not really. I’ve become like a replacement mum but that’s more because we’re so similar and my natural instinct is to support. No grandparents or aunts/uncles.

Can I ask what age your brother is? You need to take care of yourself first and foremost

 

[pkmid]

Can I ask what age your brother is? You need to take care of yourself first and foremost

Early 20s but was a bit behind developmentally at school

 

[Pretzeletzel83]

Early 20s but was a bit behind developmentally at school

Would you maybe consider getting some professional help? Your GP would be a good person to talk to and he/she could direct you to services available to you. Maybe counseling would help

 

[Jelly Bean]

Try not to be upset about what your Mum would think (easy to say I know), as she would be proud of you and the way you are looking out for your brother. It isn't your fault he got into trouble, and it probably is terribly hard for him too, especially if he lived with your mum. You are both in early stages of grieving. It is so difficult.
Have you considered counselling of some sort? For you and/or your brother? Bereavement services are used to all sorts of complicated circumstances, and it might be good for you to have someone to offload to.

 

[pkmid]

Thank you both. I might look into counselling.

 

[unidentified]

Oh I just want to give you a big hug. My advice to you would be don’t shut out your support system. Lean on your husband and close friends. They are there to support you. I’m not going to pretend to know how you feel because every relationship is different but I lost my mum nearly 8 years ago and she was my best friend too. I have struggled to cope with losing her so much and like you said, that one person you want/need is no longer there. Grief is normal and it is ok to feel all the emotions you are feeling. We shouldn’t feel a need to move past them. If we acknowledge our thoughts and feelings we are more likely to process them but grief isn’t linear and it isn’t quick, it’s an ongoing process.

Your local hospice will have a counselling service for free also with usually a shorter waiting list than the GP. I would suggest getting some additional support for your brother. If he needs helps to live alone does he have any diagnosis whereby you could possibly get in those services? Your GP should be able to help there too. Even if you explain the situation they should be able to point you in the right direction of what those services are and you can always phone your local adult social care number for advice.

 

[Fizzwhizz2020]

Oh bless. I’m so sorry for your loss. I’ve been there myself and I lost my mum suddenly and unexpectedly before I was 25. No one tells you how utterly lost and bereft you can feel. It’s so normal to feel everything you’re feeling, it’s a part of a process of which there’s no quick fix sadly. Just try take it day by and as it comes. You’ll have good, ok and bad days. I wish I’d had counselling, so you might benefit from that. Someone to give you the tools to help you deal with the process. It’s been nearly 20 years and I still miss my mum every day, but the raw grief does subside and lessen. I promise you won’t feel this way forever. It’s almost as if you have to re learn to re live your entire life. You will, give yourself time to feel (even though no one wants to feel it). Sending you so many hugs x

 

[Maria1212]

Firstly im so sorry for your loss. So unfair and cruel to have someone taken from you too soon. But it is really lovely that you were best friends, and i hope the no doubt countless amazing memories you have with her will be able to bring you some comfort. Im a believer in thinking people remain with us to some degree too. Agree with the others that when your head goes to thinking about what she would think about your brother, try to think what she'd think of you instead. I bet she'd be really proud of you for even just coming on here and looking for advice because you want to help your brother.

I can really relate to feeling like you're responsible for your family who are struggling with their issues. My brother is 28 but has never had a life and still lives at home. No job, never has had. My parents are at the point of just sticking their heads in the sand so i feel its all on me to try with him. However its worth remembering that 1. you cant fix people and 2. people need to want to change themselves first.

All you can do is your best, you may not be able to make any big changes FOR him, but just being in his life is no doubt helping, and im sure each interaction you have youre being a positive influence, even if its a small one. But look after yourself first and foremost. youre no good to anyone burnt out.

Bereavement specific counselling as well as general counselling for family/life stresses would be good like others have said. It's sometimes difficult to navigate what supports available to you but your local mental health or bereavement charity as well as your GP are always good shouts to start off with

Remember you can only do what you can, life may not feel good right now, but it will get better. No down point lasts forever. <3