Stale relationships - no judgment!

[Peakyblinders]

Just looking to get some stories really.

- how long do you think someone can stay in a stale relationship? When I say stale I mean no affection, no intimacy, become more like friends etc.

Do you have any stories of this and what happened?

- Have you ever been the “other woman” ? How did that pan out? Did he leave his partner in the end?

- Have you ever ended up looking elsewhere?

- Why do you think people stay so long in relationships that are clearly over?

No judgment here please, just seems it’s happening a lot lately and I am interested to hear people’s perspectives

 

[Mamacita]

I think relationships become stale because people either weren't suited for each other in the first place, or stopped putting effort into the relationship.

People often say grass is greener where you water it and I think with long term relationships it's particularly true.

People expect that a long term relationship is always going to be exciting and keep chasing that excitement from the first year or two. There aren't many relationships where the honeymoon period lasts forever. For most, it changes into a more comfortable relationship and it's not a bad thing

 

[feel a bit nervy]

Been with my partner for nearly ten years I feel like I’ve grown up and he hasn’t, there is no thrill or excitement now and I love spending time on my own a married man gave me some attention and it made me feel really good! I then realised what I needed and wanted so had a serious conversation with my partner. I also asked if there was anything I could do. Now it’s a waiting game to see if there is a change after we put effort in and try to change things. But I don’t know how long to wait?
I don’t think I could have gone through with it with the married man, just getting the messaged was making me nervous.

 

[Peakyblinders]

Been with my partner for nearly ten years I feel like I’ve grown up and he hasn’t, there is no thrill or excitement now and I love spending time on my own a married man gave me some attention and it made me feel really good! I then realised what I needed and wanted so had a serious conversation with my partner. I also asked if there was anything I could do. Now it’s a waiting game to see if there is a change after we put effort in and try to change things. But I don’t know how long to wait?
I don’t think I could have gone through with it with the married man, just getting the messaged was making me nervous.

this is interesting! Thanks for sharing. I think for a lot of people it takes someone else showing interest in them to make them realise they deserve / want more. What did your partner say when you had a chat with him?

I think relationships become stale because people either weren't suited for each other in the first place, or stopped putting effort into the relationship.

People often say grass is greener where you water it and I think with long term relationships it's particularly true.

People expect that a long term relationship is always going to be exciting and keep chasing that excitement from the first year or two. There aren't many relationships where the honeymoon period lasts forever. For most, it changes into a more comfortable relationship and it's not a bad thing

agree but I think there’s a difference between it not being the honeymoon phase anymore… and it just being stale and time to end

 

[Mamacita]

this is interesting! Thanks for sharing. I think for a lot of people it takes someone else showing interest in them to make them realise they deserve / want more. What did your partner say when you had a chat with him?


agree but I think there’s a difference between it not being the honeymoon phase anymore… and it just being stale and time to end

Yeah of course. Some relationships get stale but it's only time to end if you don't want to be together or it just doesn't serve you. If you're committed to the relationship you change things up to make it work.

I recently thought my relationship might be over, no affection, separate lives, being more house mates than partners, it was becoming an issue. We both realised and decided to change things- put more effort, do more stuff together, talk more and actually listen to each other. Also from my perspective I realised I wasn't prioritising the relationship at all and my mind was somewhere else, looking at that grass being greener. This thinking how it could be better made me focus on any negative aspects of the relationship while completely forgetting what's good. It literally warped my mind and perception of the relationship. Now I stopped feeling like that.

Not saying people should stay in relationships if they're unhappy. But if they are committed to the other person, not all is lost when it starts getting stale.

 

[Pretty Hate Machine]

I think a huge amount of couples are stuck in broken relationships nowadays because they will be financially screwed if they split up. Society has made it both socially harder and so so much more expensive to be single.
I've been with my husband for 25 years (we got together young) I was looking into a respite holiday for just me recently after feeling the need to just have a week not caring full time for others and was shocked at the prices for really basic accomodation when it's just one person. Usually shoved in the shittiest room as well from what I could see. This is in the uk, not some exotic holiday.

The couples I've seen stuck in bad relationships, I always advise to get out whilst they can though if possible. Stay too long and the resentment will eat you up and make you bitter. Life is short.

 

[WhatABore]

I ended my marriage for this exact reason.
In the end, it felt like he was a brother or something.
There was no intimacy, no matter how much I tried.
I had brought it up several times over a few years. Nothing ever changed.

When I actually ended it, he said "Well, it doesn't surprise me, you did mention things nearly 2 years ago"
And it didn't seem like he was even bothered about it.

 

[Pretty Hate Machine]

@WhatABore That just so sad isn't it? And such a waste of your time. From what I've seen 99% of the time it's the woman that gets fed up and decides to call it a day eventually. The man is usually too lazy and apathetic to bother and just sits about waiting for someone else to make the hard decisions. Well done for getting out though.

 

[Peakyblinders]

I ended my marriage for this exact reason.
In the end, it felt like he was a brother or something.
There was no intimacy, no matter how much I tried.
I had brought it up several times over a few years. Nothing ever changed.

When I actually ended it, he said "Well, it doesn't surprise me, you did mention things nearly 2 years ago"
And it didn't seem like he was even bothered about it.

that’s really sad but well done for finding the courage to do this! Sounds similar to one of my relationships where he literally couldn’t have been less bothered about me. When I finally did end it he didn’t care at all!!


So why do we think men stay in relationships they’re clearly not happy in?

 

[WhatABore]

that’s really sad but well done for finding the courage to do this! Sounds similar to one of my relationships where he literally couldn’t have been less bothered about me. When I finally did end it he didn’t care at all!!


So why do we think men stay in relationships they’re clearly not happy in?

I think it's just easier for them.
Especially if they've got someone that does a lot for them.
I was the one that cooked, cleaned, shopped, washed, he didn't do anything but play games.
Before we were together his Mum came round 3/4 times a week and did his cleaning and washing and everything for him
I had to practically beg him to get her to stop when we moved in together

 

[Mamacita]

I think it's just easier for them.
Especially if they've got someone that does a lot for them.
I was the one that cooked, cleaned, shopped, washed, he didn't do anything but play games.
Before we were together his Mum came round 3/4 times a week and did his cleaning and washing and everything for him
I had to practically beg him to get her to stop when we moved in together

Absolutely, it's just convenient and changing things require agency from their side so it doesn't happen.

What I forgot to add to my spill about working on things is that both people need to see there is an issue and be willing to change it.

 

[Sunflower91]

I’ve stayed in a couple of relationships for the completely wrong reasons.
One had turned stale but was also completelytoxic. Every time I tried to leave he’d make promises and reel me back in until he found his next victim.

Then my next one I knew wasn’t going well and I had to leave around 4 weeks before it actually did. I was constantly walking on eggshells waiting for his next implosion and the only reason I stayed was because I was living with him and didn’t want to lose my cats. I felt like I had nowhere to go but I did eventually leave (and got to keep my fur children)

I bought a house and lived alone ever since and I can completely see why people stay in relationships for convenience and finance. It’s really difficult being responsible for absolutely everything and having no one to offload some of it to whilst juggling work.

 

[Kim Mild]

I suppose a lot of people stay for convenience, including financial reasons, like someone said.
People might find their relationship stale , but don't want to leave their house, or lifestyle they have become used to.
There's fear of the unknown too

 

[Peakyblinders]

I suppose a lot of people stay for convenience, including financial reasons, like someone said.
People might find their relationship stale , but don't want to leave their house, or lifestyle they have become used to.
There's fear of the unknown too

yes I agree. I think a lot has to do with house and finance etc. it’s a big leap. I’ve done it, but it took a while for me to build up to it. I just wonder how long you can really stay in a stale/unfulfilled relationship before your eyes start to wonder

 

[feel a bit nervy]

this is interesting! Thanks for sharing. I think for a lot of people it takes someone else showing interest in them to make them realise they deserve / want more. What did your partner say when you had a chat with him?

He said he’d noticed a change and would try to put more into our relationship from now on. So now I need to decide a deadline for how long I leave it I suppose. But I also feel like I’m missing a bit of thrill, but that could be undiagnosed ADHD

 

[Peakyblinders]

If you think there’s something missing and you deserve more then go with your gut! Life is too short.