I have been with my boyfriend for almost four years and there is a 24 year age gap between us, with me being the younger partner.
About a year and a half into our relationship, he was offered a job three hours from where we lived. Our relationship would either need to end, go long distance or I would need to move. I chose to move with him and it’s mostly been good. Obviously, I have been lonely at times as I left my friends and family behind and had to find a new job. This was to be expected but mostly it has been good. At the end of last year I was diagnosed with Crohn’s disease and he really helped me through this time and was very supportive.
Things were going well until about April. At this time, he developed a cannabis habit. He started smoking a couple of nights a week after work as he was finding it stressful. This then became five nights a week and then every day. I don’t love this habit and could handle it when it was only a couple of nights a week, but now it is every day I am struggling. I find myself making excuses to go to bed early so that I don’t have to be around him while he is high. He gets very obviously stoned - sometimes almost zombie-like.
His job has been difficult lately and as such he has been very tense. He tells me not to talk to him before work (sometimes fully shh-ing me), insults me sometimes and tells me I don’t understand when I try to offer helpful advice. I feel very neglected in this way. When I raised it with him and mentioned that we need to work on our communication styles, I was told “this is who I am, this is how I speak, you either like me or you don’t”.
The stress and maybe in combination with the weed, has put a strain on our sex life. I feel quite unattractive to him most of the time, even though I take care of myself. When I try to instigate sex, he usually tells me no, slaps my hands away or says he is tired. It took me crying a couple of days ago, for him to realise that I’m not happy in this way. He called me “pathetic” and “overly emotional”. Then when I told him why I was upset he managed to be suddenly ready for sex and told me he wanted to, but I was no longer in the mood.
I have become closer with a male friend of mine. I feel as though I am emotionally cheating at this point as I have been confiding in him about my relationship issues and we have told each other we fancy each other. Conversation in general is quite flirty and I think I like him. I feel guilty for this, of course.
Moving back to my relationship, tonight we had a conversation where he made it very clear that he would not stop smoking the weed. He told me that he “would miss me” and patted me on the leg when I asked him what he would choose if he had to pick between weed and me. He told me that if I wanted to have someone sleep with me “all of the time” that I should find someone who wants to do that. He told me that “he wants me to be happy and that if that wasn’t with him, then to be somewhere where I can be happy and to find someone who can make me happy”.
After this conversation, he was very upset and tearful next to me all evening. Is it time for a break?
